For the first time in months, I've put together a good week and a half of healthy diet and walking. In reality that's really not all that long, but son of a bitch, if it doesn't feel like it is. I want to see immediate results, but I know that's not how it works. It seems as if I put on a bunch of weight overnight, but really - it happened over many months. I can't expect to lose it all at once, but we all want instant gratification. I long to look down and see this stomach gone again. The great new is, I'm not starting all the way over. This is all manageable. I'm disgusted that I gained as much as I did, but the only thing I can do about it, is change it all now. I was down 4 pounds 4 ounces over the past week. I'll take it! Of course….I know I was capable of more, and I replay some of the decisions I made over and over…but I'm a total work in progress that way. I've gone back to counting calories. I really hate it, but it's a necessary evil. I know how to eat right, and if I was totally in the zone - I wouldn't need to track. I'm not there yet. I don't trust myself. At the same time, I cheat where I can, and I know that's what I'm doing. I bought cans of Pepsi, so that when I broke down, I'd only be consuming 150 calories, instead of the 250 in a bottle. I did that one time….and I was pissed it took away from my food. I'm trying to work within 1400 calories, so every one counts. The rebel (and blooming idiot) in me, then went to Diet Coke. I haven't had a lot of it, but I should have zero. I know the stuff is poison. Still, I'm playing the calorie game, and that's stupid. I have really upped my water intake, though. I'm averaging about 110 ounces a day. By far, that's the most I've ever consistently drank. It feels good. I normally battle water retention, but I'm keeping myself flushed, and it's helping a great deal.
Also, today is Day 15 without any alcohol. A friend (43 days ago) decided to quit drinking for a year. I was texting her one night about it (while drinking) - telling her how proud I was of her - when she suggested I do it, too (only 21 days). In my head, I scoffed at her - pffftt, it's summer! Still, it stuck with me, and a couple of mutual friends and I talked about her accomplishment. One of my friends said we should do the 21 days, but I was still thinking, fuck to the no, it's summer! When they decided to do it, I said I would join them. Really, I did it to support them…I mean…there was no real reason for me to stop…. Day 1 was the day I had 4 appointments in one day, including the epidural in my neck. I soooo wanted to make it all go away with a glass of wine. Day 2 (in my head….) was the day after all of those appointments and stress. I went to the grocery store and didn't walk to the wine section. I love looking at wine and knew I couldn't be trusted. The first four days were torture. Telling me I can't have something, makes me want it more. Most importantly, as the days went on, I realized how much I'd been using drinking to deal with my anxiety. I'm never considered myself an alcoholic. I'm not a daily drinker, although it had been much more often since I started getting sick, and since. When I drank beer, I only drank socially. We had a keg-o-rater at one point, and I never once just poured a beer to enjoy by myself. Wine on the other hand, has become a completely different animal. I love everything about it: the way it relaxes me, make me more social, helps me sleep, the taste, the beauty of it, the warmth, and on and on. My problem wasn't in the social drinking, it was drinking alone. It became a crutch to a certain extent. So, this little exercise in not drinking has been really good for me. I hope I've thrown that crutch away. Now, don't get me wrong - I'll drink again soon. I do love it. I just don't plan to depend on it. The last ten days have been much easier than the first five (even through dinner with friends who were drinking, wedding receptions, BBQ's, etc), but some shit I've been able to push down and avoid through alcohol - now demands my attention. I can't hide from it. My sleep has suffered, and I have a lot of work to do on myself. Still, I'm at least aware of it…the same way I'm aware of how I use food….alcohol and food can smell a shit show from a mile away. Oh, and by the way - my friends folded on Day 12, so I'm especially proud of continuing on - if they would have folded earlier, I would have followed them.
A friend and I check in with each other nightly to see how our day went with food and exercise. It's a really nice accountability piece. I screen shot her My Fitness Pal for the day, and we compare. She is much more disciplined than me when it comes to food. For the most part, she doesn't even hit 1200 calories. She and I started gaining about the same time, for similar, but different reasons. I have a shit ton of admiration for this woman. She not only is climbing a metaphorical mountain, but she's running up it - barefoot.
I'm back :) Took Jesse for a walk with a friend and her dog. 13,000 steps for the day -which makes me happy for a weekday.
I'm back again…Cal gave me a rundown of the first half of season 4 of Dawson's Creek.
While driving home tonight, I heard this song that always kicks my ass. Thankfully it wasn't a commercial hit, so I only hear it every six months or so - by accident. I remember my blue tooth just coming on randomly while driving to my first ever evaluation (to the place I weighed in at for that year and a half or so). I was a blubbering mess on that drive. Ugh. The song has that kind of power. Tonight I was driving Brian's car and flipped it over to CD, and it came on some old mix CD I had in there. This time, I felt like I was going to puke, though. No tears, just nausea. #progress Anyway, I've been loving on this new song, and she sings about how good she is except for every time I hear that song. I always thought for me - there's thousands of songs that bring different emotions - since music is such a big part of me. Anyway, I was reminded tonight, that there really is that one song. I hope you like Every Time I hear that Song, I think we can all relate, whether we have that one or a thousand.
I would like to leave you with a request….I ask that you pray for Cori and her family. Cori lost her husband, suddenly, to an accident. Cori is one of us. I first met her through boot camp and this blog. She has been a big supporter, even promoting it on FB, without me asking. She is a really genuine soul, and I like her a great deal. When I saw her at the visitation, she asked all sorts of questions about how I was feeling. In a nutshell, that's the kind of person she is. I can't imagine the depths of her loss, and feel so much for her and her girls. Please keep them, as well, as her husband Randy in your prayers. Thank you so much.
~Jen
Also, today is Day 15 without any alcohol. A friend (43 days ago) decided to quit drinking for a year. I was texting her one night about it (while drinking) - telling her how proud I was of her - when she suggested I do it, too (only 21 days). In my head, I scoffed at her - pffftt, it's summer! Still, it stuck with me, and a couple of mutual friends and I talked about her accomplishment. One of my friends said we should do the 21 days, but I was still thinking, fuck to the no, it's summer! When they decided to do it, I said I would join them. Really, I did it to support them…I mean…there was no real reason for me to stop…. Day 1 was the day I had 4 appointments in one day, including the epidural in my neck. I soooo wanted to make it all go away with a glass of wine. Day 2 (in my head….) was the day after all of those appointments and stress. I went to the grocery store and didn't walk to the wine section. I love looking at wine and knew I couldn't be trusted. The first four days were torture. Telling me I can't have something, makes me want it more. Most importantly, as the days went on, I realized how much I'd been using drinking to deal with my anxiety. I'm never considered myself an alcoholic. I'm not a daily drinker, although it had been much more often since I started getting sick, and since. When I drank beer, I only drank socially. We had a keg-o-rater at one point, and I never once just poured a beer to enjoy by myself. Wine on the other hand, has become a completely different animal. I love everything about it: the way it relaxes me, make me more social, helps me sleep, the taste, the beauty of it, the warmth, and on and on. My problem wasn't in the social drinking, it was drinking alone. It became a crutch to a certain extent. So, this little exercise in not drinking has been really good for me. I hope I've thrown that crutch away. Now, don't get me wrong - I'll drink again soon. I do love it. I just don't plan to depend on it. The last ten days have been much easier than the first five (even through dinner with friends who were drinking, wedding receptions, BBQ's, etc), but some shit I've been able to push down and avoid through alcohol - now demands my attention. I can't hide from it. My sleep has suffered, and I have a lot of work to do on myself. Still, I'm at least aware of it…the same way I'm aware of how I use food….alcohol and food can smell a shit show from a mile away. Oh, and by the way - my friends folded on Day 12, so I'm especially proud of continuing on - if they would have folded earlier, I would have followed them.
A friend and I check in with each other nightly to see how our day went with food and exercise. It's a really nice accountability piece. I screen shot her My Fitness Pal for the day, and we compare. She is much more disciplined than me when it comes to food. For the most part, she doesn't even hit 1200 calories. She and I started gaining about the same time, for similar, but different reasons. I have a shit ton of admiration for this woman. She not only is climbing a metaphorical mountain, but she's running up it - barefoot.
I'm back :) Took Jesse for a walk with a friend and her dog. 13,000 steps for the day -which makes me happy for a weekday.
I'm back again…Cal gave me a rundown of the first half of season 4 of Dawson's Creek.
While driving home tonight, I heard this song that always kicks my ass. Thankfully it wasn't a commercial hit, so I only hear it every six months or so - by accident. I remember my blue tooth just coming on randomly while driving to my first ever evaluation (to the place I weighed in at for that year and a half or so). I was a blubbering mess on that drive. Ugh. The song has that kind of power. Tonight I was driving Brian's car and flipped it over to CD, and it came on some old mix CD I had in there. This time, I felt like I was going to puke, though. No tears, just nausea. #progress Anyway, I've been loving on this new song, and she sings about how good she is except for every time I hear that song. I always thought for me - there's thousands of songs that bring different emotions - since music is such a big part of me. Anyway, I was reminded tonight, that there really is that one song. I hope you like Every Time I hear that Song, I think we can all relate, whether we have that one or a thousand.
I would like to leave you with a request….I ask that you pray for Cori and her family. Cori lost her husband, suddenly, to an accident. Cori is one of us. I first met her through boot camp and this blog. She has been a big supporter, even promoting it on FB, without me asking. She is a really genuine soul, and I like her a great deal. When I saw her at the visitation, she asked all sorts of questions about how I was feeling. In a nutshell, that's the kind of person she is. I can't imagine the depths of her loss, and feel so much for her and her girls. Please keep them, as well, as her husband Randy in your prayers. Thank you so much.
~Jen
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