Really? It's the end of 2011 already? In a lot of ways this has been the greatest year, but also the worst year. It's been quite the journey looking back and taking everything into account. There have been quite a few smiles, but it's also sucked owning my own bad judgments that I made during the year, too.
I've never done this before....given a recap of the year like this. I feel a bit silly, and of course narcissistic.... I'm so grateful that you guys have been with me the past 5 months, I thought I'd mostly do this for me, to learn from and take stock of, and for you, as I always try my best to be utterly and completely honest on here. Now, that has not always been in my own best interest, but I guess that's the way this native rolls. lol
The Highs of 2011 (in no particular order)
In March we had my "going away" party. It was a few months too soon, but we didn't know that at the time. 5 of my friends came into town. Yes, actually travelled to see me and wish me well. One from Anchorage, Montana, and even one from Reno. It was so cool! I would've never believed that people cared about me that much. Along w/ our old Wrangell crowd, some others came out to join us for some limo, drinks, stripper-oke (yes, just like it sounds :), sports bar, and regular karaoke. It was the best, and I have nothing but absolutely fond memories of that couple of days (along as some kick ass pictures)!
I also recently started attending church regularly. Although, I've always considered myself a believer, and someone who prayed every day. I just didn't feel like God required one to go to church in order to honor him. I still don't think he does, but I love the peace that it brings me. I love how close it makes me feel to him, when I'm inside the doors of the church. I've also been very blessed to find some new friends there, too. It was probably the first time out here, that I didn't feel, "lost" or "hopeless."
In 2011 my Cousin Melinda married her partner of 10 years, Sandy. Oh, it was so beautiful. Most of the family flew in from all over North America. My friend Cookie was even cool enough to make the trip w/ the boys and me, since Brian was working in IL. I love my family so much, and it was so great that we were all together. I wish their marriage was federally recognized just as in a man/woman marriage. I truly think it's bullshit that at this day and age, my cousin and her wife don't have the same rights as those who have marriages that last 17 days, 52 days or whatever bullshit goes on. They have 10 strong years together and 2 beautiful daughters together.
My friend L.P. and I started "Pizza Wed's." We would alternate houses and get us and our kids together for food and fun. I think we started it for the kids, but it ended up being for us. She is probably my "newest" friend, but I'd say, also one of my closest.
This year has brought me this website. I grew a pair doing this. Really, they're there. Oh wait, no those are just two really long short hairs I must've missed while shaving. Anyway, I'm grateful for all of the support I've received because of this. And I'm grateful to have allowed some of you to come to me w/ similar things. Nobody ever wants to feel like they're in this alone. And we aren't. Not one of us.
In May I had a really fun trip to see a friend in Denver. It was full of good fun, and good stories. I never thought I'd openly pee in a park, in the middle of the day, but I guess sometimes you gotta do, what you gotta do.
In June, our family was finally brought back together when Brian flew out to get us for the drive to the midwest. I didn't realize just how hard those 8 months had been. I can honestly say, that our relationship now, is as strong as its ever been. I love him wholeheartedly. (Of course I still wish he'd pick up after himself....:) He loves me, even when I can't find the strength to love myself.
Along with our family being joined together again, I am most thankful for the meds that I'm on. I felt so weak....admitting that I needed them, but for me, they are working. I went from having horrible anxiety and depression, to what the Dr. scored as Severe depression to Mild depression in a very short time. We are both hopeful there will be no clinical depression/anxiety in the future. I feel alive again, and I'm so fucking happy about this, I can't even express it.
Some Good/Some Bad
At the end of April, I left my just of 10 years, 4 months. I really was ready. I was ready to dedicate myself more to my kids. It was so hard juggling their needs (esp. Cal's therapies, etc), with a full time job. It got really difficult for that 8 months Brian was working out of state, too. I was also crazy, bored in my job.... Although a lot of my responsibilities had changed over the years, buying is buying. I'd also gone to doing nearly all of the overseas buying, which is the part of my job I hated the most. I was never happy about sending American jobs overseas for, in a lot of cases, subservient product. I can honestly say I don't miss the job. I do miss the $ and the benefits, though :) But mostly I miss the people that I worked with. There are some really stellar people there. It's the reason, people never seem to leave the co. Although, in all honestly, I'm glad the move finally forced the change.
Things I'm glad to leave behind in 2011....
Definitely along with the bad of 2011, is my friend Gerry Walker's mountain biking accident. He's been in the I.C.U. since 12/26. There have been some good signs, but the whole thing is so very terrible. He's unable to talk, yet, because of the tubes. He's able to move one side a little better than the other, and they've been fusing parts of her vertebrae together. I hope I'm getting this information all right to you guys. Now, G is one of the nicest guys ever. In fact, I've been wanting to hook he and Tammi up together for quite some time. He's the kind of guy that you want your closest of friends to marry. You know he'll be good to them. He loves life and has more adventure than nearly anyone I know. Please continue to keep him in your prayers for a speedy, full recovery. Thank you.
We may soon be saying goodbye to our Vancouver house.... There are finally a couple of offers in on it. I love that house. I truly, truly do.... I wish it weren't worth 1/2 of what it was 4 years ago, but we can't control the economy. Selling it will definitely be bittersweet, but mostly bitter. I will miss that house, but mostly I will miss living in Vancouver. Brian's job will never take us there, so I guess it's the end of the Vancouver era...
I had to put our dog Sara down this year. This destroyed me like nothing else. I hated that Brian was gone, and it was all on me. It was the single most painful moment of my life. I still think of it every once in a while and cry. She was my girl. When I was sick earlier this week, I felt Junior laying on my legs, and it woke me up. I thought this was weird, since he never does this. I reached down, and he wasn't there. I reached over, and he was beside me. The feeling didn't go away though. I truly feel it was her. She always watched over me. She always worried about me. Man, I miss that dog. She was my girl. Writing this, will be the only thing that makes me cry during today's blog.
Okay, the last of the "bad." I'd be lying if I didn't mention Vegas. It wasn't only the trip, it was the subsequent emails that followed.... I don't know that I've ever been so hurt by words that someone said to me. Total devastation.... In looking back, had my meds been right, it probably wouldn't have affected me as much as it did, but it still would've torn me apart. I've had a lot of different feelings, mostly about the emails, but slowly it's not affecting me as much. Afterward, I learned that I'm able to really accept an apology. A whole hearted apology. Before, I always thought of them as empty words. Now, now....this whole blow up was on both of us....trust me. We're moving forward, but it's not the same, yet. Well, it will never be the "same" which is probably a good thing. It's NYE, and I don't know what she's doing tonight. It's weird. Going from talking to someone every day, to trying to say the right things when we talk, and to avoid anything about that trip or the email... I am thankful that we're moving forward, though. And in those words, I'm probably not doing our current friendship justice. We are very important to each other. She's still my, "ChristinaWithout this incident though, I never would've been forced to stick up for myself. Maybe for the first time ever, I didn't blame everything on me (it did take a few days though). I realize now, that I am a good friend to have. I'm certainly not perfect. But I would do anything for any of my good friends or maybe even anyone, and I definitely would've done anything for her. Before the "fight." I don't think that I realized I really am a valuable friend. Maybe in the process, I even learned that I did, indeed love myself.
So in all of that terribleness, a lot of good came from it, too. For so many years, I'd confided everything into that friend. I never leaned on my other close friends. I'm so afraid of getting hurt, I guess I just banked on the one person in this world that I didn't think would hurt me. That was just stupid. No friendship is perfect. In fact, a friend was recently talking about a horrible fight that her and her bff had several months. I remember they didn't talk for a few mos. I asked her how they could just go back to being "bffs" and she said, had they said everything they really needed to say, they never could've gotten past it. So, it's a positive for us that we are moving forward. Anyway, I digress. In temporarily losing that friend, it brought me closer to old friends. In a phone conversation, when I told a friend about the email, she actually cried with me. Wow.... She cried with me. That was huge for me. I would never think that someone would care about me that much as to feel my pain like that. This has all taught me a great lesson in friendships. Never leave people out of your life, just because you don't "need" them in that moment. We need to all do a better job of letting our friends know how much we love them. Even if it's just a quick text, etc. You never know how they may be doing on the other end, and just how much they need to hear that from someone. There's no reason you shouldn't be that someone.
Well, shit fire. I may be typing into 2012. I'm so sorry for all of the rambling....
Here's what I'm hoping for out of 2012
Continued good health for all of us and our families
Allowing more good people into our lives
Strengthening my existing friendships
I'd love to know where we are going to live permanently :)
And S.O.B., for the first time in my life, I'd love to be the person that I see, when I look inside...she's athletic, fit, and full of energy. Not, well, this.
Oh, and I'd love more people to be active with this site. Comment more, let me add a page for you to do your own talking, anything. I want us all to be healthy both mentally and physically.
Peace and love to you all. Thanks for reading. May God bless you in the new year.