How to take those first steps.?.

As my Step-Dad used to say, Oofta.  Boy this has been a week of ups and downs but mostly downs.  The highlight was definitely that hike, though.  I wanted to do it again this morning, but I guess not badly enough to go out in the 30 degree weather, and wet snow.  It is way too early in the year  for this bullshit .  I've decided I need to really start pushing myself physically.  I've been walking every morning with a friend, which works great, because it makes this non-morning person get a good start to the day.  She's content to go at the same pace and not do any more than what we are doing.  I want to continue to do this with her, but I'm not going to do it every weekday anymore.  The weather is supposed to be a little better this week, so I think I'll do some hiking instead.  I've asked her if she would be interested in hiking, but she says she's not really "outdoorsy."  So, I feel bad, but for me, it's better mentally and physically.  I've got to start turning my head around.  I have to.  My head goes to such bad places sometimes.  I scare myself.  I'm coming off a hard day, which there was no reason for.  I worked to turn it around.  After my walk, I was really happy to see the job the guy did on the property (mowing, weeding, etc.)  It had gotten out of control.  The property is over an acre, and ugh, a lot to take care of.  Anyway, I was thrilled with what he did, and it was for a good cost (friend of a friend).  I then paid bills, and had to run to Rockford to make my car payment.  The bank was literally across the street from the movie theater, so I decided to preoccupy my mind with a movie.  I'd known since I woke up, I was going to have to fight for happiness in the day.  The only movie playing around that time was, "Gone Girl."  My friend and I were supposed to see it that day, but the times didn't work out for her son's school schedule.  So, I felt bad, but I saw it without her (guess I'll see it again with her).  I'd been wanting to see it, since I'd read the book.  The movie turned out really good, but the issues I have with it are the same ones from the book.  Overall, though a thumbs up.  After I got home, though, the day continued to swallow me whole.  I drank some wine, hoping it would relax me, but it just made it worse.  My saving grace was that Caleb wanted to watch t.v. with me.  It helped to settle me down.  Anyway, I absolutely hate it when I am overcome with....I hate to say it, but depression.  When it just envelopes me.  I fucking hate it.  So, I'm going to make a list of goals and things I think will help improve everything.  Leaving IL would be at the top of the fucking list, but we know I'm trapped here, serving at least an 8 year sentence (when Caleb graduates).  But it does no good to think about any of that...  My birthday is in 4 1/2 months, so I've got to come up with some sort of physical goal (mud run....1/2 marathon....something that seems out of reach), and at a destination away from here.  When I gain more confidence, I'll ask a friend to do it with me.  The nice thing is, a lot of my friends are athletic and would be up to the task.  My birthday's are usually never my favorite day, so maybe having a way to celebrate will be nice.  I'll also continue to look for a job.  I think that's crucial to turning things around.  In the meantime, I'll find somewhere to volunteer.  I've been thinking about it for a while, and I just need to do it.  It's going to be a busy weekend, if all goes according to plan, so hopefully I can come up with a good list on Mon.

Well, I should get ready.  Brian is all excited to go to a chili fest in town, here.  I'm not looking forward to it, as I'm sure there won't be a meatless option, and it's freezing ass cold outside.  But, it's important for us to have some time together outside of the house.  In all honesty, he hasn't been my favorite person the past couple of weeks, and that has to turnaround.

Here's hoping you all have a wonderful weekend! 

Jen