Brave

This has been an insane week. 
I'm not really sure where to start...  I haven't been feeling well since last
Sun.  It's almost terrible allergy
like, but it's really kicked my ass. 
One night, I got home from work about six and went straight to bed.  It was the only night that I didn't
have to get the kids to baseball.  I literally didn't get up until the next day. 
Crazy.  A full week later, I still don't feel good.  I got a decent night of sleep, though.  So, I am feeling a little better.  My Mom started getting allergies in her 40's.  I'm praying I'm not somehow allergic to the dog.  It's probably just some
crappy illness.  Maybe it's even my hormones.  I feel the way I feel going into a bad period.  It's a little early, but who knows..  Hopefully that's all it is.

Jesse has certainly kept us on our toes this week.  She is a total sweetheart, but she is chewing EVERYTHING....  I had errands to run yesterday morning, and while I was out, I noticed that the corner pocket of my sweats had been chewed out.  At this weight, there isn't much that fits (and even those were fat pant
purchases), so I'm making sure to have my 2 (that's all....) pairs of jeans that
fit okay out of reach.  She's really starting to feel at home now.  She is such a fantastic addition to our family.  She's also been forcing me to get out and walk her, even when I haven't been feeling good.  I need that push.

We're still waiting on some important news for Brian.  Hopefully tomorrow we'll have some direction.  Fingers and toes crossed....

This week has brought more of the crazy ass Midwest weather.  Tornado sirens don't go off too often around here, but two went off in one night.  Caleb was a wreck.  He was screaming, "this is how it ends.  We are going to die."  It was very hard to calm him down.  Thank God for his obsession with Candy Crush. 
It finally took his mind off of things for a bit, while we were down in the basement.  With the storms, Cal slept in my room, twice this week.  Plus, I've been sick, so Brian has slept on the couch a couple of nights.  The other night he finally slept in here, and I'm not one that loves to be touched when I'm trying to sleep, as I can never get comfortable.  But I was so grateful once he was back in here, and thankful to have his arm around me.  I loved it. I missed it.

For the umpteenth time, it appears the house might be selling.  I don't want to get my hopes up, since we've been down this road so many times.  I know better than to believe our realtor.  It will be nice to have it behind us, but it could be terrible timing. If all goes well, the closing probably won't jive with our plans to visit Vancouver this summer.  So, our timing might be altered, which would suck, since we're trying to coordinate with my AZ in-laws.  The stress of this house....good Lord, I hate it.  

Okay, I've written 3 paragraphs now, and I found myself deleting each one.  Why did I choose to tell people I know about this blog? Anonymity would make some things so much easier!  I'll just say that this week has been a draining one in terms of trying to sort through some relationship dynamics.  Okay, that makes it sound like it's something weird.  Family dynamics to be more exact.  I find myself in the same place I was 7 years ago, when I made certain decisions about who I wanted in my life (really, the first time I ever made a decision based on what was best for me at the time).  It's all come back up again, and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm very saddened by the situation. I have a lot of issues when it comes to this one relationship, and I still don't know what the best thing to do is. There are so many variables when it comes to family.  It's not just as simple as it just being about you.  There are other peoples feelings to consider.  I can tell you: I wish this were easy, but it's not.  There has been a ton of thought about all of this, this week.  Many days later, I've done nothing.  I have no answers.  I just have an overall sadness.

Yep, lots going on this week.  I've been pulled in a million directions.  Work continues to kick my ass and steal my family time.  So, I'm so very grateful for this weekend. Yesterday I was able to get some important errands run.  I had Cal with me, as Brian (who is now a coach) and Ryne had baseball practice. It was nice to take Cal out to a nice breakfast and after take him to an authentic barber shop.  The barber had to be in his 70's.  He was great with Cal and really put some good time in on Cal's hair. It was so very Mayberry.  I loved it, and Cal really liked him.  We left  and Cal told me he wants to go back.  The whole experience was so great, until I noticed Cal's hair in the light later....  Holy shit did he miss some spots!  lol  But you know what, I'll probably take him back again.  

You can well imagine what my house looked like, with me being sick all week.  Yesterday was nice for me to be able to get some of it cleaned up. We are so busy during the week, that I worked really hard on swallowing my resentment about the house looking like it did.  Thank God I was able to get over it by evening time.  Brian made tacos and burritos and the family played Life (always a good idea, until you start the game...goes on forever :)  

I must say yesterday brought me something better than anything else I'd
experienced that day....sobering thoughts about my weight.  Thoughts are always there about my weight.  Always.  But yesterday I think I made some good progress in my head.  This is going to sound so silly...but I held the fat yesterday...I wrapped my hands around it. I moved it around.  I owned it....  I did this.  I need to fix it.  It's plain and simple.  I've been lost in my head lately.  I can't do that.  Physically and mentally I'm becoming something I'm ashamed of.  It has to stop.  It has to.  I can't live like this.  Only I can change it.  I pray to God that I will.

Sara Bareilles has a new c.d. out.  I think it will be my next album purchase.  The first single is called, Brave. I haven't heard it all that many times, but the first time was on Sirius.  She sang it with just her and the piano.  I loved the
message.  I pray that we all will
be Brave.  I truly
do.


Much Love,


Jen


You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a
drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of
love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way
that words do
And they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and
no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if
you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out

  Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And
let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just
wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna
see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I
just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been
there, everybody’s been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear
and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop
holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live

  Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your
brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out

  Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And
let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave


  Innocence, your history of silence
Won’t do you any good
Did you
think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you
tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall
out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave


  I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I
wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna
see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you
be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just
wanna see you

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