Double Fours finally arrived. It's funny, usually birthdays give me fits. I get anxiety about being another year older, stress about all of the things I haven't accomplished, etc. But this year was a bit of an anomaly. I was on the cusp of going through my normal birthday blues issues, when I just thought-hey! It's double fours. For some reason the flow of 44 just works for me. Look, I'll embrace my crazy in this instance. It's worth it.
I started writing another entry talking about my birthday week and a half, but truthfully it just sounded braggy. That's not what I wanted to do, but I'll keep it for myself-to help me remember the little things that have made this past couple of weeks so great. In a nutshell, I was able to see Amy on Grammys night (something we've wanted to do forever), had some great friends/family think of me in great and unique ways, and had a girls weekend getaway with my friend Diana. Really, it has been really fucking cool.
The Friday we left for our weekend, I got the results back from x-rays that had been taken on my neck and back. I had a pinched nerve under my shoulder blade which started the whole thing. I went in just wanting to feel better with what turned out to be a pinched nerve, but I learned all sorts of crappy things about my neck and back. I'm told the type of issues I have aren't caused by weight and have been there a long time-likely from sports when I was younger. After a lot of thought, part of that might be true, but who is kidding who. The weight I've gained, especially this last year and a half is really mind boggling. I don't know that many who set out to gain this kind of weight in this amount of time, could actually do it. If that was my intention, I hit a home run. Sometimes I see the weight gain, other times I don't care enough to look. I know it's a result of many things. Things I need to work on, some of which I can't control. We will be here for six more years. I won't change that. But I've got to start attacking this one day at a time, or even minute at a time. Sometimes I'll be great for 59 minutes, but then that last minute of that hour I decide to eat/drink whatever. The saying really is true, "A moment of the lips, a lifetime on the hips." And in this case---those moments on the lips will always be in my neck and back.
In my thinking about my weight, I've been wondering what would be enough...if anything could ever be enough. I look back at this picture, and I think, what I wouldn't give to be at that weight again (just 6 years ago)....but I remember this picture. I remember how horrible I felt when I saw it. How I only saw the weight, how much more I needed to lose, how much far I needed to go... I remember wanting to post the pic of Ryne but being horrified by my own image. This isn't my thinnest, but it sure as hell is nothing compared to today. And even though there was some there, I was healthy. I ate healthy. I was active. I thought about everything that went into my body. But even practicing good healthy habits, couldn't quiet the demons in my head about my appearance. So, moving forward, I need to work on that. I need to quiet those voices. The voices are there, whether I'm 100 pounds overweight, or a college athlete. I need to appreciate the weight loss as it starts to come off. I'm desperate to feel proud of myself.
Well, I've had a nice, lazy day, but I need to get to it. The sun is out, and it's actually in the 50's. It's time to get out and get moving. Hoping the sun is shining wherever you might be.
~Jen
I started writing another entry talking about my birthday week and a half, but truthfully it just sounded braggy. That's not what I wanted to do, but I'll keep it for myself-to help me remember the little things that have made this past couple of weeks so great. In a nutshell, I was able to see Amy on Grammys night (something we've wanted to do forever), had some great friends/family think of me in great and unique ways, and had a girls weekend getaway with my friend Diana. Really, it has been really fucking cool.
The Friday we left for our weekend, I got the results back from x-rays that had been taken on my neck and back. I had a pinched nerve under my shoulder blade which started the whole thing. I went in just wanting to feel better with what turned out to be a pinched nerve, but I learned all sorts of crappy things about my neck and back. I'm told the type of issues I have aren't caused by weight and have been there a long time-likely from sports when I was younger. After a lot of thought, part of that might be true, but who is kidding who. The weight I've gained, especially this last year and a half is really mind boggling. I don't know that many who set out to gain this kind of weight in this amount of time, could actually do it. If that was my intention, I hit a home run. Sometimes I see the weight gain, other times I don't care enough to look. I know it's a result of many things. Things I need to work on, some of which I can't control. We will be here for six more years. I won't change that. But I've got to start attacking this one day at a time, or even minute at a time. Sometimes I'll be great for 59 minutes, but then that last minute of that hour I decide to eat/drink whatever. The saying really is true, "A moment of the lips, a lifetime on the hips." And in this case---those moments on the lips will always be in my neck and back.
In my thinking about my weight, I've been wondering what would be enough...if anything could ever be enough. I look back at this picture, and I think, what I wouldn't give to be at that weight again (just 6 years ago)....but I remember this picture. I remember how horrible I felt when I saw it. How I only saw the weight, how much more I needed to lose, how much far I needed to go... I remember wanting to post the pic of Ryne but being horrified by my own image. This isn't my thinnest, but it sure as hell is nothing compared to today. And even though there was some there, I was healthy. I ate healthy. I was active. I thought about everything that went into my body. But even practicing good healthy habits, couldn't quiet the demons in my head about my appearance. So, moving forward, I need to work on that. I need to quiet those voices. The voices are there, whether I'm 100 pounds overweight, or a college athlete. I need to appreciate the weight loss as it starts to come off. I'm desperate to feel proud of myself.
Well, I've had a nice, lazy day, but I need to get to it. The sun is out, and it's actually in the 50's. It's time to get out and get moving. Hoping the sun is shining wherever you might be.
~Jen
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