I've still got some stomach thing going on, but I've pulled my fat ass out of bed, and I'm going to take it head on. I think cleaning will make it feel better! Brian is at Wal-Mart grocery shopping now, so I should go clean out the fridge and get ready, for actual food to enter our home.
So, I've spent the past day trying to take stock of my life, and my role in my actual happiness. It's a funny thing...that we have the ability to control our level of happiness. I know I get caught up in taking care of things, fixing things, controlling things...even sometimes my family and friends. Maybe deep down, if I think I'm helping others, (or hurting without realizing it), I don't have to work on my own shit. That's over. I know I'm unhappy living out here in bum fuck Egypt, so I need to put on my big girl britches and address it head on. I'm going to give myself a schedule this week, that gets me out of the house. It's 35 mins. to the gym, but I'm commiting to going there 3 times this week. I may even figure a day where I can make the 2 hour, each way drive to get to Whole Foods and Costco. I've let myself get caught up in this funk, which is absolutely ridiculous. I have so many things in my life, that make me rich. I have a husband that I love, and that loves me back, and actually enjoys spending time w/ me, I have 2 amazing kids, and I have friends and family that can be unmatched. My therapist helped me to work hard on loving myself, and opening myself up, without a total fear of rejection or pain. There are reasons all of us have issues, I've just had a hard time getting past some things in my life. It's silly, really, and weak. I need to get back to work on myself, and that's what I'm pledging to do. If you have some of these issues, or whatever issues you may have, I ask you also to put yourself first. To define what's real in your life, and what makes you happy. It's so easy to lose sight of sometimes, especially as parents. I know a lot of times it's hard for me to move forward, not being able to deal with the hand that Cal's been given. The guilt that comes with that. The wonder, if it's something I did. Then the guilt, that it could be so much worse, and why can't I just embrace it totally. Caleb is so amazing. I love to see his progress. I need to just sit back and enjoy it, instead of always thinking big picture, and about the things I can't control. There's that word again: control. This control freak, needs to find a way to live without it. I know it will take this feeling that's always in the pit of my stomach, away from me.
Okay, I've done enough ranting today. I do want to take this moment to thank Tammi for being there when I needed her, as I knew she would be. For letting me wake her up at 2:30 a.m., and telling me some things to help me remember that I'm a good person and that I'm worthy. I should know this myself, but sometimes we need to hear it. When I needed to hear it, you were there. Just as I know so many of you guys would be. This website isn't always easy for me to do, but I'm thankful that it's a way I can always convey to you guys how thankful I am to have you in my life. I'm not always the best at expressing it, so please always know you all have a special place in my heart.
Enjoy your Sat,
10:30 dollar size pancake and green tea (I still feel sick to my tummy)
1:00 bowl of spaghetti
3:00 small bowl of raisin bran w/ rice milk (getting an appetite back)
8:00 Some cheese lasanga (not smart...did not make me feel
4:00 Walk 4 miles