Ah, this blog…. I sometimes go back to the day that I decided to start it. My original intention was to be anonymous. But, I thought I wouldn’t hold myself accountable that way, so I’d better let my friends know about it. You know what I truly believed? I believed that starting this blog was going to jump start me back on a healthy vegan diet, and I really wanted to show people what it could do for you. I wanted to show the foods, the meals, the health that comes with this diet. I was just sure I wouldn’t let people down by failing on my diet. And more than anything, I wanted to help people become healthier. Well, here I am a year and a half later, and the original intent of the blog is just about laughable. I thought I couldn’t be any fatter when I started, and here I am 20-30 lbs heavier. And as far as motivating people? Well, I think we all know the answer to that question. In order to motivate people, one would have to inspire. I think we can all agree that, that hasn’t happened. I was still believing in my own bullshit a month or so ago, when I started the page on Facebook. I thought, ah, this will inspire me; this will inspire others… I think for the sake of my own sanity I need to abandon that a little. It’s something that I can’t clearly live up to. I don’t need one more thing on my plate like that.
I guess, I’m talking about this, this morning as I heard from one of you today and you were saying you were wishing there was something you could do to help me. I had to go back and read the last post to see why you would think that. I guess I can see that… There have been a few posts over the past year and a half that I’ve written while heartbroken or feeling desperate, but that wasn’t one of them. Another friend said something similar a couple of weeks ago, and was offering their own type of support. So, I'm mad at myself for sounding like someone who needs help. I’m mad at myself for making some of
you worry. I hate that. It’s the last thing I want to do. I know my hormones, etc. have sent me on some crazy journeys, but I’m trying. I’m trying to control it the best I can. It’s going to be one decision at a time. Today, it was the decision to not eat sugar cookies or cupcakes from the break room (yes, it’s 8:44 A.M.) for breakfast. My breakfast choice today was going to be 2 bananas, but I forgot them…so I’ve had a couple of Cuties. I’ll munch on an apple in a little bit. For me, I’m going to have to start counting my victories one at a time. I feel overwhelmed on so many levels, that it’s the plan I have for now.
When Brian and I went to the party on Sat. night, Brian asked if I were going to drink wine or beer. I said, I want to drink the one that doesn’t make me cry.
So…I’m going to take a break from drinking. (Except for Friday, as there are already plans on place. But Brian will be with me, and so I’ll be okay.) It’s really a pisser, as I used to like to drink every once in a while. But it’s gotten to be too much, at least once a week, and always too much. And it takes me to terrible depths of unhappiness. So, that’s a big part of my plan. I’m going one step at a time, and I’m hopeful that I’ll soon see the difference that eating clean/vegan can make. I look forward to feeling myself move to a healthier place in every way.
Here’s to your healthy choices today; however big or small.
~Jen
Oh, I saw this come on Sirius this morning, and I actually switched over from the Pink c.d. to listen. Classic song.
"Against the Wind" Bob Segar
It seems like yesterday
But it was long ago
Janey was lovely, she was the
queen of my nights
There in the darkness with the radio playlng low
And
the secrets that we shared
The mountains that we moved
Caught like a
wildfire out of control
Till there was nothing left to burn and nothing left
to prove
And I remember what she said to me
How she swore that it
never would end
I remember how she held me oh so tight
Wish I didn't know
now what I didn't know then
Against the wind
We were runnin' against
the wind
We were young and strong, we were runnin'
Against the
wind
And the years rolled slowly past
And I found myself
alone
Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends
I found myself
further and further from my home
And I guess I lost my way
There were oh
so many roads
I was living to run and running to live
Never worried about
paying or even how much I owed
Moving eight miles a minute for months at a
time
Breaking all of the rules that would bend
I began to find myself
searchin'
Searchin' for shelter again and again
Against the wind
A
little something against the wind
I found myself seeking shelter against the
wind
Well those drifters days are past me now
I've got so much more to
think about
Deadlines and commitments
What to leave in, what to leave
out
Against the wind
I'm still runnin' against the wind
I'm older
now but still running
Against the wind
Well I'm older now and still
running
Against the wind
I guess, I’m talking about this, this morning as I heard from one of you today and you were saying you were wishing there was something you could do to help me. I had to go back and read the last post to see why you would think that. I guess I can see that… There have been a few posts over the past year and a half that I’ve written while heartbroken or feeling desperate, but that wasn’t one of them. Another friend said something similar a couple of weeks ago, and was offering their own type of support. So, I'm mad at myself for sounding like someone who needs help. I’m mad at myself for making some of
you worry. I hate that. It’s the last thing I want to do. I know my hormones, etc. have sent me on some crazy journeys, but I’m trying. I’m trying to control it the best I can. It’s going to be one decision at a time. Today, it was the decision to not eat sugar cookies or cupcakes from the break room (yes, it’s 8:44 A.M.) for breakfast. My breakfast choice today was going to be 2 bananas, but I forgot them…so I’ve had a couple of Cuties. I’ll munch on an apple in a little bit. For me, I’m going to have to start counting my victories one at a time. I feel overwhelmed on so many levels, that it’s the plan I have for now.
When Brian and I went to the party on Sat. night, Brian asked if I were going to drink wine or beer. I said, I want to drink the one that doesn’t make me cry.
So…I’m going to take a break from drinking. (Except for Friday, as there are already plans on place. But Brian will be with me, and so I’ll be okay.) It’s really a pisser, as I used to like to drink every once in a while. But it’s gotten to be too much, at least once a week, and always too much. And it takes me to terrible depths of unhappiness. So, that’s a big part of my plan. I’m going one step at a time, and I’m hopeful that I’ll soon see the difference that eating clean/vegan can make. I look forward to feeling myself move to a healthier place in every way.
Here’s to your healthy choices today; however big or small.
~Jen
Oh, I saw this come on Sirius this morning, and I actually switched over from the Pink c.d. to listen. Classic song.
"Against the Wind" Bob Segar
It seems like yesterday
But it was long ago
Janey was lovely, she was the
queen of my nights
There in the darkness with the radio playlng low
And
the secrets that we shared
The mountains that we moved
Caught like a
wildfire out of control
Till there was nothing left to burn and nothing left
to prove
And I remember what she said to me
How she swore that it
never would end
I remember how she held me oh so tight
Wish I didn't know
now what I didn't know then
Against the wind
We were runnin' against
the wind
We were young and strong, we were runnin'
Against the
wind
And the years rolled slowly past
And I found myself
alone
Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends
I found myself
further and further from my home
And I guess I lost my way
There were oh
so many roads
I was living to run and running to live
Never worried about
paying or even how much I owed
Moving eight miles a minute for months at a
time
Breaking all of the rules that would bend
I began to find myself
searchin'
Searchin' for shelter again and again
Against the wind
A
little something against the wind
I found myself seeking shelter against the
wind
Well those drifters days are past me now
I've got so much more to
think about
Deadlines and commitments
What to leave in, what to leave
out
Against the wind
I'm still runnin' against the wind
I'm older
now but still running
Against the wind
Well I'm older now and still
running
Against the wind
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