more, and started on lots of water. I stayed long enough to make sure that I was sober so I could drive home. I called Tammi on the ride home, and the poor thing got to hear my low, low, low. I swear I'm going to run my friends off. But when I'm like that, it's almost what I want. I just think life would be so much easier without any relationships outside of my house. It's ridiculous. But it's how I feel when I'm in that moment. Friday night was a terrible night for sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and pounding
out of my chest. I couldn't get it to slow down, until I got up and walked around, got some water, took some Ibuprofen and an anxiety med. Sat. morning Brian was called into work. I was so tired. I just wanted to lay there with the blankets over my head, but I knew better. I finally got up and took Cal to breakfast. Ryne's going through some sort of bitchy stage, and he didn't want to come with us. I also ran an errand for the upcoming trip. I was so drained and low, low, low... I couldn't snap out of it. I finally took a nap, but it was filled with horrible nightmares. I remember a good friend and I quit being friends, Brian asked for a divorce, and for my birthday gift was a granny pair of Spanx underwear (which was the highlight of my nightmares). I woke up even worse than before I took the nap. I was so pissed! Anyway, our co. Christmas party (yes, you read that right), was last night. I really, really, really did not want to go. I was so drained.... But I didn't want to let Marie down, as she was really looking forward to it. So, Brian and I ended up going. When we got there, Lynn asked where we were sitting. I said, I didn't know, and she took me to grab out place cards. She said she'd saved hers for when we got there, so she could sit with us. That totally made my night... It made me feel so good, that someone was looking forward to seeing me and hanging out with me. When I'm so down, I can't understand how anyone would want to be around me. So, that was such a nice start to the evening. It became a little awkward when the C.E.O. and his wife sat with us. But Lynn knows them so well, that it wasn't as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. I guess it can't be too bad, as his wife got Lynn and I "slippery nipple" shots. Yuck. But I sucked it down like a big girl ;) Anyway, the whole night was so nice. I love spending time with Brian. He makes me laugh, and is the only one on this planet that can make me feel loved when I can't find it within myself to love myself.
So, thank God, I feel more "normal" today. I hate being down... I can't even express to you how much I hate it... Today I will research foods that help
with depression. Food is the best medicine. I know a vegan diet is the key, but I need to pay extra attention to the depression super foods this week. It's time for me to do something about this. It's time for me to care about myself enough to do it. For every positive thought and motion toward better health, I find 5x more thoughts to sabotage myself. I have to fucking stop this cycle. I really do... I don't like me like this. And if I can't like myself, how can I expect others to like me?
So, here's to a good Sunday. Brian and I are going to get caught up on the Biggest Loser, and I'm
looking forward to that inspiration.