A cousin was supposed to come and some friends and everyone bailed on me
last second. I hate going to events by myself. Anyway, it was my friend’s sister’s thing, and their whole family was there (huge family). The more wine I drank, the more I missed being around my own family and friends. So, maybe that was a normal cry? Or maybe not…maybe somewhere in the middle. I’ve had so much anxiety, I’d definitely been drinking more than I normally do, so that’s got to stop. I really need to slow that down. Also, I’m giving my keys to
someone whose job it will be to give my keys to someone I don’t know. I’ll need to prove that I’m okay by the time I’m ready to leave. This has been the most self-destructive period of my life, and again, that’s not okay. I’m working on these things. I know I’ve been stupid. I’m wrecking my body, brain, and making terrible decisions. At some point I’m hoping I’ll stop disliking myself and start to believe in my own self. The self-negative talk has been BRUTAL…..
Have you seen the HBO series, “Girls”? I heard Lena Dunham on Stern a couple of weeks ago and was completely captivated by her wit. I started by renting the first five episodes and watching them at one sitting. Sunday I went in for the second half of the season. The show is so FREAKING BRILLIANT. It’s so smart, that I don’t think I should understand it. Really, just crazy, fucking awesome. So, I’m plugging through the first few episodes loving every moment, and then episode 9 came along. Holy fuck…. I hadn’t
identified with her character too much until this episode. And then….for the first time someone in my life spoke my insecurities. It was almost too hard to listen to. It really shook me up hard. In the episode she and her bff/roommate get into a big fight, and her roomie tells her there are a 1,000 things I could say to you about yourself right now, but I’m not cruel so I won’t. Lena’s character tells her, please, throw one at me….because the odds are I’ve thought about those same thousand things in the past half hour about myself. You think nobody can love me as much as I love myself??? Well, I hate myself, so there.
I hate myself. To which the roomie throws something terrible at her and they fight. But at one point, Lena says, you know when we were at the book signing? I spent the whole night thinking I’ll bet you wish she (author/friend in the episode), were your best friend. That you wish anyone was your best friend instead of me. I’m not good enough. You can’t be proud of me. I’m not
deserving. Okay…fuck….it’s like she looked right inside of my insecurities while writing this and put them to film. It was horrible. I actually felt physically sick. I hated watching it all unfold. I equally hated the next episode where she was full of self-destruction. I swear, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything that affected me in that way, about myself. Cray. Cray. Am I too old to say that? Do people still use that term?
So, I won’t go into more detail of what I’ve been putting myself through lately. I
think about how fortunate I am to have all that I have. And then it makes it worse, because I haven’t been able to enjoy it or been secure enough about things to let me know it’s okay to be happy. Fucking sucks. But I’m not defeated. I’m here. I’m writing this out for myself, and for those of you who can identify in some level. Trust me, like Lena said, there’s nothing you can say to me that I haven’t already thought (in a negative manner, in the past half hour). But let me tell you this, it scares me to death that someone will say something. I just can’t ever get past hearing it from someone else, because then, for the rest of my life I will always know that to be fact….no matter how much therapy, drunken girl talks, awesome comments from my wonderful
husband, etc. can erase hurtful word that have been said to me.
Well, here’s hoping this entry left you feeling good about yourself, and knowing, HEY….at least I’m not as messed up as that chick.