Ah, a good night’s sleep. I hardly slept Sunday night. It was the Grammy’s, so I indulged in a few beers and went to bed late. About an hour after I went to bed, Cal came in because the storm had woken him up. That’s all she wrote… I was up most of the night. I was running on about 2 hours sleep yesterday, and I felt every bit of it. I made myself get to bed fairly early last night, and I only woke up a few times, and for very brief periods. Lately when I’ve been waking up, it’s for hours at a time. I decided I’d quit fighting it when it happens. It just pisses me off more. So, if I know there’s no chance of getting back to sleep, I write emails to myself about chores or things I need to get done. And hey, I even return texts, emails and such. I’m not always the best about that, so at least the middle of the night can be a functional time. Thankfully I’ve been staying away from the fridge, too. If I’m awake long enough, I’ll end up “starving,” but that seems to be the only time I have any real control over my diet. For now, I’ll take that…
I’ve been weaning off the other med, by taking it every other day. It leaves me
crazy itchy. Like every part of my body itches. Thankfully, other than that one day, that’s about all the withdrawal symptoms I’ve had. It’s such a weird thing: having a physical reaction to the stopping of medication. The only real addictions I’ve ever have, have been food and caffeine related. I know about coming off of that, but I HATE this feeling that my body has become dependent on something. This antidepressant is supposed to be “non habit forming,” which I guess it is. But still tell the body that. I hate being out of control with this stuff. Hopefully this is it…. I really hope I find the best path to deal with all of this. In order for diet and exercise to work and combat depression and anxiety…I guess I need to start dieting and exercising. Who knew that was the fucking key ; )
All in all, things are pretty good. Work has been busy but manageable. The boys are doing good, and I’m feeling better about my parenting skills, as I’ve been fairly “present” lately. I’m hoping that I soon get to a place that I’m on the move so much, they don’t remember how I used to hide out in my room or in a book (in my room, lol). When I look back at the past couple of years, I don’t know that I see it exactly how it’s happened. I feel like I’m a whole different person. This person is much younger than I, much more energetic, funnier, athletic, confident and good to be around, than I really am/have been. What sucks, is when I actually realize…oh, yeah…that isn’t me anymore. I know I have a long way to go, to be the person I want to be on a lot of levels. I hope I have a good base, though… I keep reminding myself that things could be so much worse. In fact, it makes no sense the depths of depression I can go to for no apparent reason whatsoever…
Anyway, I really have no choice. I do want to be a better, healthier person. But really, I have to be. I’m not shitting you, when I tell you that if I keep going the way I go, with my stress level, lack of sleep and eating/drinking habits…I’ll be 6’ under before too long. And most of the time I really don’t want that. Lol… My mind won’t let me go to what it would do to my family. My therapist tried to talk to me about it once, and there was no fucking way I could really approach what that would mean to my family. I have to do it for them. For me. But also, if I’m dead, I’ll be a jealous psycho over my friends going on without me. I have to be here to actually go see the Grammy’s in person. If my friends do that without me, I swear I’ll fucking haunt them. I joke, but I’m not dumb. Kara and I talked about mortality a bit lately, and she read me the riot
act. I saw what she went through when we lost Pat. I still see what she goes through. I can’t ever cause anyone that kind of pain. I’ve got to get serious for once. And that short list goes on…. I never want to lose a friend again. And I don’t want to think about it from their side, either. There are a couple of things I was thinking about saying, but really it’s personal. I know what I mean to a couple of people, and have an idea of what my passing would mean. Oh, and Holley did tell me she’d come beat the shit out of my coffin and scream me down. Whoa….how in the fuck did this get so dark? Just like I told Pops today: it sucks to be inside my head :) And really, I swear to God I’m having a good day. I better quit typing before I talk myself out of it.
Hope you guys have an awesome day. It’s great to be alive. At least I crack myself up.
~Jen
P.S. As I finished this, “Firedamp” came on. I need to be alive to smile every time they do.
I’ve been weaning off the other med, by taking it every other day. It leaves me
crazy itchy. Like every part of my body itches. Thankfully, other than that one day, that’s about all the withdrawal symptoms I’ve had. It’s such a weird thing: having a physical reaction to the stopping of medication. The only real addictions I’ve ever have, have been food and caffeine related. I know about coming off of that, but I HATE this feeling that my body has become dependent on something. This antidepressant is supposed to be “non habit forming,” which I guess it is. But still tell the body that. I hate being out of control with this stuff. Hopefully this is it…. I really hope I find the best path to deal with all of this. In order for diet and exercise to work and combat depression and anxiety…I guess I need to start dieting and exercising. Who knew that was the fucking key ; )
All in all, things are pretty good. Work has been busy but manageable. The boys are doing good, and I’m feeling better about my parenting skills, as I’ve been fairly “present” lately. I’m hoping that I soon get to a place that I’m on the move so much, they don’t remember how I used to hide out in my room or in a book (in my room, lol). When I look back at the past couple of years, I don’t know that I see it exactly how it’s happened. I feel like I’m a whole different person. This person is much younger than I, much more energetic, funnier, athletic, confident and good to be around, than I really am/have been. What sucks, is when I actually realize…oh, yeah…that isn’t me anymore. I know I have a long way to go, to be the person I want to be on a lot of levels. I hope I have a good base, though… I keep reminding myself that things could be so much worse. In fact, it makes no sense the depths of depression I can go to for no apparent reason whatsoever…
Anyway, I really have no choice. I do want to be a better, healthier person. But really, I have to be. I’m not shitting you, when I tell you that if I keep going the way I go, with my stress level, lack of sleep and eating/drinking habits…I’ll be 6’ under before too long. And most of the time I really don’t want that. Lol… My mind won’t let me go to what it would do to my family. My therapist tried to talk to me about it once, and there was no fucking way I could really approach what that would mean to my family. I have to do it for them. For me. But also, if I’m dead, I’ll be a jealous psycho over my friends going on without me. I have to be here to actually go see the Grammy’s in person. If my friends do that without me, I swear I’ll fucking haunt them. I joke, but I’m not dumb. Kara and I talked about mortality a bit lately, and she read me the riot
act. I saw what she went through when we lost Pat. I still see what she goes through. I can’t ever cause anyone that kind of pain. I’ve got to get serious for once. And that short list goes on…. I never want to lose a friend again. And I don’t want to think about it from their side, either. There are a couple of things I was thinking about saying, but really it’s personal. I know what I mean to a couple of people, and have an idea of what my passing would mean. Oh, and Holley did tell me she’d come beat the shit out of my coffin and scream me down. Whoa….how in the fuck did this get so dark? Just like I told Pops today: it sucks to be inside my head :) And really, I swear to God I’m having a good day. I better quit typing before I talk myself out of it.
Hope you guys have an awesome day. It’s great to be alive. At least I crack myself up.
~Jen
P.S. As I finished this, “Firedamp” came on. I need to be alive to smile every time they do.
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