I've also spent a little time on fb this morning. I looked at a picture that my friend and I took on Friday night. I hate looking at pictures of myself. I really, truly do... In fact, essentially the only pictures I even allow of myself are when I'm half in the bag. No shit. It's the only time that I'm not terrified of the camera. I hate pictures so much that ever since Amy decided she wanted to go to NYC for her birthday, all I can think of is...fuck. That means pictures. I've
got so many great pictures of friends and family from over the years. But when I look at a vacation photo or what have you, instead of enjoying that memory, I go right to my weight and appearance. In fact, a couple of weeks ago, I got kind of dressed up to go to that gallery opening. I actually felt decent about myself. I'm in jeans and a t-shirt or sweatshirt most days for my job. (Clothing can easily get ruined doing what I do). So, it felt good to play the part of a real girl (woman sounds too grown up for me). A friend and I had our picture taken that night, and when I looked at it, I nearly died. My stomach was sticking out. Like a pregnant lady my stomach was sticking out... btw... I really need to
give birth to all this soda, sugar, buffets, fast food, etc. We did a few retakes with me sucking my stomach in, but really it didn't help much. It's kind of hard to suck in your chins, cheeks, shoulders, etc. I'm so glad that when she posted the picture on fb, she did not tag me. I do not want to ever see that picture again. And it's sad, since it's of me and a long time friend.
It's kind of a shame that I saw that picture this morning on fb of me and my friend (the one from 2 days ago). My Sunday morning had me going in the right direction. I'd been thinking about getting my nose repierced now forever, but I kept saying in 10 or 20 lbs or whatever, before I could do it. This morning I thought, just do something you want to do for yourself, and try to enjoy it. Quit letting life pass you by... So, even though looking at myself (through photo) reminds me of what/who I am, and all that goes with it. I'm trying to
bring myself back to an hour ago, when I decided to live my life without
apology. I've really worked hard on that lately. I think I've led my whole life based on apology. Apology for my looks, my weight, my smart ass sense of humor, my seemingly colossal failures at every turn. Now, living without apology is something I aspire to and have been working toward, but by no means am I there. But I have taken that approach with a couple of things, and it has been healthy to me. I took it months ago in regards to a friendship that left me feeling drained too often. I had to finally go (to myself): if they don't like me for who I am, I can't control it. And I'm not going to try to. I'm worth that. That was very healthy for me. Because as much as most people that know me think that I'm one of those people that really don't care about what people think about me...it couldn't be further than the truth. I see myself through the eyes of everyone else, and what I see is never good. But now I'm getting off track again... Oh, that's right. I'm going to live my life for me, today without apology! Did I convince you? I'm trying to convince myself. So, in that effort, if the Piercing Pagoda ever answers their fucking phone to let me know if they
pierce noses, that's what I'm going to do. Yes, I'm going to do it at some damn kiosk thing at the mall. Not a piercing shop like the last time. I know if I wait to research to find the best one, it's not going to get done.
Okay, this entry was all over the damn place today. But that's how I roll. And in the interest of no apology, I have a couple of friends that are always telling me when I talk about wanting to change who I am: "I hope you never change. Because I love you for who you are." Or something as gay as that. But it's nice to know that those couple of friends who really know the depths of my crazy, love me for it. No apologies needed.
Cheers to a no apology kind of day... And happy Grammy's!