I’ve been sitting on this blog for a short while. How do you write about losing 100 pounds? It’s all so overwhelming to me. It’s a number I’m not comfortable with. I think mostly, because I still have another 25 pounds to go. In the beginning, I was excited about the numbers. Brian has been extremely supportive this whole time, and I was always happy to tell him about my Wednesday weigh-ins. In recently months, when he asks how much I’ve lost, I just say, “a lot.” I have a friend I also quit telling. In my head, I don’t want her to always think of me as the fat person. It’s all head fuck stuff, but it’s real, and that’s why it’s all so hard for me to write about. I can’t even say exactly how long it all took me. I know the highest weight I saw on a scale at a doctor’s office. I waited a long time to see over 100 lbs. less, dressed, in that same office again. I flipped our family calendar over today, and there’s a picture of me in Maui with my family last year. I know I’m about 85 pounds less than that (taken March or April of 2016-and I can really tell a difference with that pic), but I can’t remember if I gained weight after and that’s when I saw that weight, or if I had lost before (which I know I lost a little before that trip). I got serious about losing weight last summer and had taken some off, but by October, I was putting it back on again. That’s when I made myself go out of my comfort zone. I wasn’t able to be accountable to myself, so I started weekly weigh-ins with a weight loss coach. I don’t know how much I’ve taken away as far as knowledge about weight-loss, but I do know having to weigh in, in front of someone was a big deal for me. I hate the scale, so sharing my numbers with someone, was like unzipping my soul in front of her. In my weight, are my struggles. Exposing oneself like that, was not an easy feat. Still, I did it, week after week, tears upon more tears, and dropping the f-bomb while on the scale, time after time. I weighed in for the first time on 10/8/16, and I’m 70 pounds down from that date. In that same time, I’m down 34.5” (if I figured it all right).
It has not been easy since October. I’ve experienced more pain in that time frame, than I even knew was possible. Still, I plug away at it, and I’m so grateful for all of the times I did not run to food, when I wanted to. It’s still a conscious decision-time after time. I’m so grateful that my body has begun to heal with the weight loss, and I’m able to push myself more and more. Hiking has become my church. I feel so close to everything when I’m out there, and my body rewards me for every step. I’m grateful for those who have and still do, hike with me, even though I’m slow as molasses. I’m thankful for those who have checked in with me on weigh-in days, or at random times to see how I’m doing or talk about how they’re doing in their journey. It’s funny, since talking about 100 pounds, is so difficult, because on the whole, I love talking about it. I can feel myself light up, every time someone asks, seemingly out of nowhere, how I did this. I’m happy to share my experience, and proud that I’m not sending anyone on some crazy diet type thing. I’m also blessed to be married to someone who remained attracted to me through it all, but I can tell you this, he’s way more handsy these days-ha. Really, it’s just eating smart and being active. I have no real rules. I’ve learned things about my body in limiting things, though: red meat doesn’t love me. Soda makes my skin gross (and I’m on the Diet Coke right now-and it’s noticeable), sugar is the devil. I would have never known these things, before I made changes and could actually give my body a chance to respond, in a way I could recognize. Yes, I still eat red meat (I even had a burger on Sat-but felt like shit afterward). I still struggle most with soda. I go off for weeks/months, and then it creeps back into my life. I wanted to eliminate it this week, but my period is kicking my ass, so I will wait a few days. Sugar is the trap door I work hardest to avoid. My taste buds have changed, and
I have really learned to appreciate natural sugars. I try to average 10,000 steps a day (I love my fitbit), and I love the energy this all gives me.
As I type, I’ve had tears, thinking of things, and I’ve smiled…knowing just how far I’ve come. I actually fit pretty good in my airline seat last month. I remember the time before when I’d flown, I’d promised myself I wouldn’t fly again, until I’d lost weight. I’m thrilled for the energy it gave me to be as active as I was in Alaska. I love that I’ve grown to dislike television (except My 600 LB life-that’s my crack), because I hate sitting still. I love that I got hit on at Wal-Mart yesterday, by a random stranger. (okay, maybe not so much hit on, but he was giving me the smile-if you know what I mean). In that moment, when I wanted to look around and see who he was smiling at, it reminded me of how far I’ve come…that I’m just another person now-not someone who felt unworthy of being looked at.
I don’t know if any of this has made sense, but I knew I needed to write, and I don’t know when the right time was going to be. I kept making excuses, but this blog has always been about honesty, and now you know.
Here’s to good health for us all.
Cheers, (red wine is good for you ;)
Jen
It has not been easy since October. I’ve experienced more pain in that time frame, than I even knew was possible. Still, I plug away at it, and I’m so grateful for all of the times I did not run to food, when I wanted to. It’s still a conscious decision-time after time. I’m so grateful that my body has begun to heal with the weight loss, and I’m able to push myself more and more. Hiking has become my church. I feel so close to everything when I’m out there, and my body rewards me for every step. I’m grateful for those who have and still do, hike with me, even though I’m slow as molasses. I’m thankful for those who have checked in with me on weigh-in days, or at random times to see how I’m doing or talk about how they’re doing in their journey. It’s funny, since talking about 100 pounds, is so difficult, because on the whole, I love talking about it. I can feel myself light up, every time someone asks, seemingly out of nowhere, how I did this. I’m happy to share my experience, and proud that I’m not sending anyone on some crazy diet type thing. I’m also blessed to be married to someone who remained attracted to me through it all, but I can tell you this, he’s way more handsy these days-ha. Really, it’s just eating smart and being active. I have no real rules. I’ve learned things about my body in limiting things, though: red meat doesn’t love me. Soda makes my skin gross (and I’m on the Diet Coke right now-and it’s noticeable), sugar is the devil. I would have never known these things, before I made changes and could actually give my body a chance to respond, in a way I could recognize. Yes, I still eat red meat (I even had a burger on Sat-but felt like shit afterward). I still struggle most with soda. I go off for weeks/months, and then it creeps back into my life. I wanted to eliminate it this week, but my period is kicking my ass, so I will wait a few days. Sugar is the trap door I work hardest to avoid. My taste buds have changed, and
I have really learned to appreciate natural sugars. I try to average 10,000 steps a day (I love my fitbit), and I love the energy this all gives me.
As I type, I’ve had tears, thinking of things, and I’ve smiled…knowing just how far I’ve come. I actually fit pretty good in my airline seat last month. I remember the time before when I’d flown, I’d promised myself I wouldn’t fly again, until I’d lost weight. I’m thrilled for the energy it gave me to be as active as I was in Alaska. I love that I’ve grown to dislike television (except My 600 LB life-that’s my crack), because I hate sitting still. I love that I got hit on at Wal-Mart yesterday, by a random stranger. (okay, maybe not so much hit on, but he was giving me the smile-if you know what I mean). In that moment, when I wanted to look around and see who he was smiling at, it reminded me of how far I’ve come…that I’m just another person now-not someone who felt unworthy of being looked at.
I don’t know if any of this has made sense, but I knew I needed to write, and I don’t know when the right time was going to be. I kept making excuses, but this blog has always been about honesty, and now you know.
Here’s to good health for us all.
Cheers, (red wine is good for you ;)
Jen
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