I wish I could say that I’ve been kicking ass and taking names, but the truth is- I’ve hit a rougher patch, than I have through this whole process. I haven’t totally fallen off, but the motivation is waning and forced. It has been hard to talk about, because I’m not impressed with myself. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been up a couple pounds, and have now settled with just a one pound weight loss in 3 weeks. This has been a crazy journey, and one that I have not known how to talk about. I reached out to a friend last week, and I told her I wasn’t doing great with the diet and would write to her about it, but life was crazy and I was never able to write. She had a great suggestion, and told me to send her pics of everything I’m eating. It’s a great idea in theory, but I worry so much about being judged on my choices. Anyway, she called me that night, just as I was on my way to a class (more on that later), and I told her where I was going. I hadn’t told anyone I was doing it, because the thought of it all overwhelmed me. Without me saying how big it all was that I’ve been going through, she showed up at my work the next morning with lunch, a nice card, and a Lara Bar (I had given one to a co-worker the day before and explained to my friend that every time I give one away, it feels as though I’ve given away a kidney). I was really quite overwhelmed that she picked up on everything I was going through, without me ever talking it through. Friends like that are hard to find.
My diet has not been as strict lately. I have days of feeling great about my choices, to days where I know I made more bad choices than good. I have not been able to get in the swing of things, since my trip home. At first I was sure it was because I was reminded of all I’ve left behind, being out here, but now I’m unsure. It’s been too long. I shouldn’t still be this affected. I’m also back on the Diet Coke. I had gotten off of it long enough for it to get out of my system, but then I got back on. Frustrating. I usually don’t drink any on the weekends, but it’s a terrible work habit. It makes me feel gross, and I need to get a handle on it. I’m also struggling to hit my 10k steps every day. Every evening, I go home with the intent to walk Jesse. Most nights, I sit down and then lose my will. I don’t sit on a couch all night, watching t.v. or anything (for the most part anyway). I am busy around the house, but it’s not enough. Also, it’s not something that fills my soul. Having time to myself, just even to walk the dog, is critical to my better mental health. There are no excuses. The weather is actually perfect out here, these days.
Knowing all of this, I decided to force my own hand and join a weight loss competition in my town. I didn’t go into it, thinking I was going to win (weird for me-because I’m so competitive). I really just wanted to be around like-minded people and find my missing motivation. You weigh-in once a week, and workout twice. I guess you could describe it as a high intensity boot camp, but I didn’t know that going in. The first class was emotional for me in many ways. I felt good, pushing myself. I felt stupid doing so many modified versions of exercises and still getting my ass kicked. I felt my body (back and knee) saying are you fucking kidding me…we can’t handle this. It felt great to meet a couple of people who were so athletic and who treated me as an equal, even though I know I stuck out like a sore thumb. I know it’s a weight loss competition, but I believe most of the people are in there, because they take the class from this trainer. There isn’t much weight to be lost in that group. I need to go back and look, but I believe it’s for 3 months. I haven’t been able to walk right, after only two classes. My back is jacked up and my knee is unforgiving. Still, I’m hopeful my body will get used to it. In all honesty, I don’t think it will-but I will stick with it. I’m really hoping it helps turn my focus around.
The positive is: I’m still able to keep it together on the weekends. I try and fill most of my time activities that keep me moving. On Saturday, I hiked in the morning and then kayaked in the afternoon. There was a time when either one of those activities would lay me out, so doing both in one day-and being okay-was awesome. In all actuality, the kayaking was really big for me. A couple of years ago, I read an article about a woman who lost 100 pounds. She talked about finding a passion for kayaking. I was so impressed by her, and I remember thinking I was too fat to kayak. My goal was to be able to do it last summer, but that came and went. I had visions of immediately tipping the kayak as soon as I got in, and guess what? That didn’t happen. I was just like any other kayaker out there. I didn’t think of myself as the fat chick on the water. I just enjoyed the ride and spending time with my friend. Here’s the thing though….I probably could’ve kayaked two years ago, when I told myself I was too fat. Don’t get me wrong. I was pretty fucking heavy, and I still am, but I still could’ve done it. I let me weight stop me from a lot of things. Don’t let that happen to you. Be stronger than me. Be more confident and sure of yourself than I am. You miss out on too much of life, waiting for the circumstance to be just right.
As you can tell, I’ve been pretty hard on myself, as I’m really in my first real cross-roads during this weight loss. In saying all of this, I think of the good things about where I am every single day. A few weeks ago, the owner of the company I work for was in town, and he stopped by my desk and asked if I could give a speech to the company about my weight loss, etc. I know he really doesn’t want me to do it, but he was acknowledging my loss in his way. It really meant a lot to me, that he saw me as some sort of inspiration. I think about finally hiking over 7 miles (7.5) a week and a half ago. I’d wanted to do that for a while. I think of being past the last loop on a belt I bought after I’d already lost some weight, and how I barely used to make to that first loop. Yesterday a great friend from WA, that I haven’t spoken with in a while, sent me a snapchat video showing me that she was about to emotional eat and telling me her story. I was so moved that she reached out to me, including what was leading her to eat that piece of cake. I couldn’t figure out how to video her back, so I had to ask Ryne (I really don’t understand the snapchat) how to reply with a video. I looked at myself in the phone and didn’t cringe. Trust me…I’ve always been a cringer, even at good weight. I sent her messages back and forth. Now, I’ve never even done a face time with anyone on my phone or computer. That’s how deep my insecurities run…. But at 45 years old, with still weight to lose, I did it, and loved it. I will hold onto these things. I will hold onto the encouragement I’ve gotten from so many of you. Thanks for being here for me, in this journey-because it truly is a journey. One I hope to see through. I’ve got to get back to it.
Enjoy your hump day everyone. Oh, how I wish you could hear that guy yell it to me from across the shop every Wed. It makes my day.