Happy Hump Day, all! Finally, the downhill slide on what has proven to be quite the crazy week. Last week I was unable to do much for walking as I had twisted my knee while hiking the weekend before. I was actually pretty freaked out about it, as it is my knee surgery knee. It has been 8 years since the surgery, and it's never been quite right since. Lately, though, it's been swollen more than ever. Tweaking it immediately sent my head into a tailspin thinking I needed surgery again, and every dark place it would take me. I remained disciplined as far as not doing too much during the week, but when Saturday came around, I got my hike on. Sure....I should have eased into it, but nobody has ever accused me of being overly smart. My knee was quite swollen by the time I was done, and a busy day/night had me end at 22,000 steps. Anyway...a terrible hangover (Rod Stewart, Cyndi Lauper concert), and a knee the size of a melon, kept me grounded on Sunday. Here's the thing....hiking and walking have been my anti-anxiety med, and taking it away has been difficult for me. Going into Monday, I was dying to get back out there. I had some time after work and was bound and determined to go hiking after work (I know right-on a weekday!). Because I live so far from, you know, civilization, I decided not to drive all the way home and pick up Jesse. Instead, I stopped at a trail on my way home. I knew I'd be by myself, so I had planned on bringing my pepper spray, but couldn't find it that morning. I get up to the park, where there's rarely anyone, and there's a guy just sitting there in his car. I got a really bad vibe, even choosing to stretch on the passenger side of my car, so he couldn't watch. I was thrown off my game and should've just left, but I was bound and determined to hike. I got a quick start and knew the trail went off in two directions, hoping if he followed me, he'd be going the other way. I kept looking over my shoulder and after I got down a ways, realized in all the frenzy, I'd forgotten to put on bug spray. I wanted to turn back, but was too freaked out by that guy. It's gotten a bit cooler, so the bugs haven't been as bad, so I didn't panic. I get a half mile down or so, and see the guy driving down the hill (parts of the trail run parallel to the road). I was seriously thinking about turning around for the spray, when the guy turns around and goes back up. This really freaked me out, as I figured he saw me, as I was wearing a bright pink shirt. Now, I was really committed, but the bugs were now awful. After a while, I tried what I thought were a couple of short cuts (this trail is about 3 miles), but they just lead me to walking more. The bugs got so thick, I felt like I was going crazy, the buzzing in my ears, killing ten at a swat, blood dripping off my hand from killing mid bite. I was really nervous, because I was fairly certain I'd developed an allergy to bites this year. By the time I returned back to my car the creeper was gone (in all actuality, he was probably just a guy waiting for his g/f or something). I looked in the mirror and my nose was already very swollen, and an eye was half swollen shut. I drove right to the pharmacy to p/u Cortizone 10. When I undressed to shower, I found I was covered in a rash over half my chest, entire stomach, thighs, and waistline. I've never experienced anything like it. I was panicked but showered off using a natural soap and caked myself in the Cortizone. I then took a couple of Ativan to calm myself down. I was pleasantly surprised to get up the next morning and find that most of the swelling had gone down on my face and neck (at one point my eye was completely swollen shut). I got up showered again with the soap, caked myself again with Coztizone, took another Ativan and went back to sleep for another couple of hours before going into work late. My calves were disfigured from the swelling and were very painful and hot to touch, along with my elbow areas. I called the Dr. and they suggested taking Benadryl, too, to help with the swelling (apparently Ibuprofen doesn't help that type of swelling). I was supposed to come in, if it didn't help within an hour. I did see a tiny sign it was working so opted not to go in. I took another Benadryl in the middle of the night, and when I woke up this morning most everything was much better, with the exception of one of my calves. It is still hot to touch and now has about 30 blisters. I'm no medical professional, but I'm guessing I have an infection. I'll repeat my processes again tonight, and if it's not better tomorrow-will go to Dr. I find the whole thing ironic...I went out searching for natural ways to deal with anxiety and took meds I hadn't taken in forever. Go figure.
Writing the last blog really took a lot out of me. It made me think of a lot of things I choose not to dwell on, especially from the beginning of the process. I guess the takeaway from all of that is-there is no ideal time to start a weight loss journey. I wasn't mentally prepared to start it when I did. I wasn't mentally prepared for what life would bring me, but you know what....thank God I had started it. Thank God, I had made this commitment to myself. I shutter to think of all of the food I would have turned to (oh, and probably alcohol), if I hadn't just started. I am the weakest person I know, when it comes to food. I think about it non-stop, even now, although less. Please just take this away from my experience. If you've been thinking about starting...start tomorrow....whether you've done the grocery shopping yet or not, whether you have dinner plans in place already or what have you. You can control how many calories you put in your body. Trust me, your future self will thank you. I'm thankful every single day, that I'm on this journey-even in the toughest of tough times.
I was down 2 pounds at my weigh-in today. That's certainly not overly impressive, especially given I was only down 2 the two weeks prior. I did get measured at that last weigh-in and was down 5 1/2" in 5 weeks. I was really happy with that. It just goes to show, that although the scale is pretty good indicator of what's going on, it's not always the only bench mark. Now, the two pounds over the last two weeks is a fairly good indicator of my lack of effort. I wasn't able to get many steps in during that time, I drank as much in a week, as I normally drink in a month, and mentally, I just wasn't there. Most of my food choices were decent, but the alcohol and lack of physical effort shows in only two pounds lost. I'll still take it-don't get me wrong. I just really know I could've done better. I've worked hard this week (no wine), and I've gone meatless this week. I feel better and am really glad for a body that already seems to be responding to the changes, well beside my swollen, blistered leg.
Once again, I wrote about nothing I planned to.... I wrote the 100 pounds, without notes, without much self editing, and without too much thought. I'm not overly proud of how it came out, but I am proud of getting it out. I guess the biggest issue I've had with losing 100 pounds, is the shame in ever letting myself get to a place where I needed to lose 100 pounds, and then some...I kept thinking about a friend of mine who weighs 100 pounds and thinking, "I've lost a whole Kelly." Today, I heard a Sheryl Crow interview and she said she weighs, 110 pounds...soon, I'll have lost a whole Sheryl Crow. While I'm super proud of what I've done and how I've done it....there within lies my struggle...the shame of ever getting that big...the shame of being as big as I am now. Hopefully one day I won't look at it that way. I pray, I'll be able to look at my stretch marks and loose skin and be thankful I'm not still stretching it all out. I'm getting better about my body image, even having worn shorts outside of the house (for hiking, to the park once to walk, and even while hiking with a friend). I never, ever would've done that before-no matter how bad the humidity. I also need to constantly remind myself, I can no longer find anything that fits me in the Plus size section. It's all heady stuff, but I'm getting there...a little at a time. Shame is an awful thing, that nobody should carry. Hopefully one day soon, I'll be comfortable in this new skin.
I'll leave you with a song by P!nk. I'm excited to see her again next month. I remember seeing this Grammy performance on live on t.v. and it instantly made me an uber fan. And yes, she's this good every time. If you haven't seen this, you must watch. There you are, sitting in the garden, clutching my coffee, calling me sugar, you called me sugar... This is a brilliant song. Enjoy.
Love, Jen
Writing the last blog really took a lot out of me. It made me think of a lot of things I choose not to dwell on, especially from the beginning of the process. I guess the takeaway from all of that is-there is no ideal time to start a weight loss journey. I wasn't mentally prepared to start it when I did. I wasn't mentally prepared for what life would bring me, but you know what....thank God I had started it. Thank God, I had made this commitment to myself. I shutter to think of all of the food I would have turned to (oh, and probably alcohol), if I hadn't just started. I am the weakest person I know, when it comes to food. I think about it non-stop, even now, although less. Please just take this away from my experience. If you've been thinking about starting...start tomorrow....whether you've done the grocery shopping yet or not, whether you have dinner plans in place already or what have you. You can control how many calories you put in your body. Trust me, your future self will thank you. I'm thankful every single day, that I'm on this journey-even in the toughest of tough times.
I was down 2 pounds at my weigh-in today. That's certainly not overly impressive, especially given I was only down 2 the two weeks prior. I did get measured at that last weigh-in and was down 5 1/2" in 5 weeks. I was really happy with that. It just goes to show, that although the scale is pretty good indicator of what's going on, it's not always the only bench mark. Now, the two pounds over the last two weeks is a fairly good indicator of my lack of effort. I wasn't able to get many steps in during that time, I drank as much in a week, as I normally drink in a month, and mentally, I just wasn't there. Most of my food choices were decent, but the alcohol and lack of physical effort shows in only two pounds lost. I'll still take it-don't get me wrong. I just really know I could've done better. I've worked hard this week (no wine), and I've gone meatless this week. I feel better and am really glad for a body that already seems to be responding to the changes, well beside my swollen, blistered leg.
Once again, I wrote about nothing I planned to.... I wrote the 100 pounds, without notes, without much self editing, and without too much thought. I'm not overly proud of how it came out, but I am proud of getting it out. I guess the biggest issue I've had with losing 100 pounds, is the shame in ever letting myself get to a place where I needed to lose 100 pounds, and then some...I kept thinking about a friend of mine who weighs 100 pounds and thinking, "I've lost a whole Kelly." Today, I heard a Sheryl Crow interview and she said she weighs, 110 pounds...soon, I'll have lost a whole Sheryl Crow. While I'm super proud of what I've done and how I've done it....there within lies my struggle...the shame of ever getting that big...the shame of being as big as I am now. Hopefully one day I won't look at it that way. I pray, I'll be able to look at my stretch marks and loose skin and be thankful I'm not still stretching it all out. I'm getting better about my body image, even having worn shorts outside of the house (for hiking, to the park once to walk, and even while hiking with a friend). I never, ever would've done that before-no matter how bad the humidity. I also need to constantly remind myself, I can no longer find anything that fits me in the Plus size section. It's all heady stuff, but I'm getting there...a little at a time. Shame is an awful thing, that nobody should carry. Hopefully one day soon, I'll be comfortable in this new skin.
I'll leave you with a song by P!nk. I'm excited to see her again next month. I remember seeing this Grammy performance on live on t.v. and it instantly made me an uber fan. And yes, she's this good every time. If you haven't seen this, you must watch. There you are, sitting in the garden, clutching my coffee, calling me sugar, you called me sugar... This is a brilliant song. Enjoy.
Love, Jen
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