Writing the last blog really took a lot out of me. It made me think of a lot of things I choose not to dwell on, especially from the beginning of the process. I guess the takeaway from all of that is-there is no ideal time to start a weight loss journey. I wasn't mentally prepared to start it when I did. I wasn't mentally prepared for what life would bring me, but you know what....thank God I had started it. Thank God, I had made this commitment to myself. I shutter to think of all of the food I would have turned to (oh, and probably alcohol), if I hadn't just started. I am the weakest person I know, when it comes to food. I think about it non-stop, even now, although less. Please just take this away from my experience. If you've been thinking about starting...start tomorrow....whether you've done the grocery shopping yet or not, whether you have dinner plans in place already or what have you. You can control how many calories you put in your body. Trust me, your future self will thank you. I'm thankful every single day, that I'm on this journey-even in the toughest of tough times.
I was down 2 pounds at my weigh-in today. That's certainly not overly impressive, especially given I was only down 2 the two weeks prior. I did get measured at that last weigh-in and was down 5 1/2" in 5 weeks. I was really happy with that. It just goes to show, that although the scale is pretty good indicator of what's going on, it's not always the only bench mark. Now, the two pounds over the last two weeks is a fairly good indicator of my lack of effort. I wasn't able to get many steps in during that time, I drank as much in a week, as I normally drink in a month, and mentally, I just wasn't there. Most of my food choices were decent, but the alcohol and lack of physical effort shows in only two pounds lost. I'll still take it-don't get me wrong. I just really know I could've done better. I've worked hard this week (no wine), and I've gone meatless this week. I feel better and am really glad for a body that already seems to be responding to the changes, well beside my swollen, blistered leg.
Once again, I wrote about nothing I planned to.... I wrote the 100 pounds, without notes, without much self editing, and without too much thought. I'm not overly proud of how it came out, but I am proud of getting it out. I guess the biggest issue I've had with losing 100 pounds, is the shame in ever letting myself get to a place where I needed to lose 100 pounds, and then some...I kept thinking about a friend of mine who weighs 100 pounds and thinking, "I've lost a whole Kelly." Today, I heard a Sheryl Crow interview and she said she weighs, 110 pounds...soon, I'll have lost a whole Sheryl Crow. While I'm super proud of what I've done and how I've done it....there within lies my struggle...the shame of ever getting that big...the shame of being as big as I am now. Hopefully one day I won't look at it that way. I pray, I'll be able to look at my stretch marks and loose skin and be thankful I'm not still stretching it all out. I'm getting better about my body image, even having worn shorts outside of the house (for hiking, to the park once to walk, and even while hiking with a friend). I never, ever would've done that before-no matter how bad the humidity. I also need to constantly remind myself, I can no longer find anything that fits me in the Plus size section. It's all heady stuff, but I'm getting there...a little at a time. Shame is an awful thing, that nobody should carry. Hopefully one day soon, I'll be comfortable in this new skin.
I'll leave you with a song by P!nk. I'm excited to see her again next month. I remember seeing this Grammy performance on live on t.v. and it instantly made me an uber fan. And yes, she's this good every time. If you haven't seen this, you must watch. There you are, sitting in the garden, clutching my coffee, calling me sugar, you called me sugar... This is a brilliant song. Enjoy.