I'm glad to have a month under my belt now with this change in lifestyle. Yes, I still hate the word diet (it's a temporary word), but I'm still searching for the perfect expression of the changes I have made. I'm still loving getting out there and walking when I can. The weather is rapidly changing, and soon it will be so cold out here, that it will hurt to breathe. It's 52 out now, and I returned not so long ago from my walk. I can live with this weather. It was a bit windy, but the sky was clear and the moon and stars above were absolutely beautiful. I had a great time hiking last weekend and have already made plans to go both days this weekend. I enjoy being in the moment of the walk: taking in the sights, smells, and watching Jesse busily sniffing around. She must have some sort of bloodhound in her. Tonight we walked in an area, where we don't go often. We walked by the house where Ryne is spending the night. Jesse stopped and peed in the front yard. It was the only time she peed in our 2 1/2 miles. I guess she's marked our house here, and she just wants to remind Ryne that she rules the roost. She totally cracks me up. I wish I could say the walking was always smooth. My body likes to remind me of my excess weight. Sometimes I hardly feel anything, and then on little, simple walks like tonight, I feel all the feels. After I'm done writing, I'll soak in the tub. My back and knee were unforgiving tonight. I'll take it, though. I feel...even if it's those feels...I'll take that over being unconscious.
My eating continues to be mostly good. Even when I'm not eating as good as I want, I'm still almost always under my calories. I'm still making choices that I'm proud of. When I picked up a supreme pizza for White Five the other night, I got myself a baked potato. Sure, the potato had cheese and I added a little sour cream, but it also had steamed broccoli and cauliflower. It was still a better choice for me, than pizza would've been. It's been having a terrible day and heading toward Taco Bell, only to talk myself out of it, and end up at Subway getting a 6" egg white on wheat with pepper jack and veggies, along with soup. The calories were the same as what I planned on spending at Taco Bell, but I like to think I chose smarter calories. These examples show I'm still eating out too much, but it's still a fraction of what it used to be. I'm enjoying the journey. I like learning new, healthy options. It seems like I'm learning something almost daily. It's nice for a person who likes to think they already know everything ;) Today, my friend Emily brought lunch to work for us. She brought a sandwich and salad in a jar. If you haven't seen them (which I hadn't before she started doing them), you must check them out. I LOVED it. I can't wait to make my own. They stay fresh for up to five days. It would be great to prep those suckers up on Sunday for the week. I'm still blown away by the support I have around me during this. I'm truly grateful to many for walking along side me in this much needed journey.
I went into this week's weigh-in with much anxiety. It's still such a vulnerable place to be, doing this in front of someone. I was happy to be down 2.4 lbs., but really I would be much happier only weighing in once a month or so. We also did my measurements. In a month, I'm down 10 1/4". I don't know what's good or not. I've never taken measurements, but I can tell you I feel it in a big way. I'm really happy to feel the changes in my body. Of course, wouldn't you know it...2 1/2" came out of my boobs. C'mon! I never had boobs until I got heavy. Don't take these suckers from me. I kinda like 'em. Anyway, I'm down around 12 lbs in a month, and I'm just happy to be going in right direction. Overall now, I'm now down 40 pounds from my heaviest weight ever (by a mile) that I hit not so many months ago. It's funny...the number 40 doesn't mean much to me. It should. I know I should be jumping for joy, but mostly I feel shame. I feel shame that I ever had forty to lose to begin with. I feel extreme shame, that I have much more than forty still to go. I feel shame, that losing forty pounds, hasn't made me not fat. I'm still fat. I'll be fat for quite some time. I wish I could enjoy this. I wish I could make myself smile over it, the same way I force myself to smile big when I hit 10k on my fitbit. I don't think it's healthy that I'm not overly proud of it. I wish it were something I could talk about proudly with my friends. I'm not there, yet. I have a lot of work to do in my head when it comes to everything to do with my weight. I must be making progress, though. I'm conscious. I'm aware of everything I'm doing to my body. It's been a long time since that has been the case.
I should go do some soaking. I hope you're having a great evening, doing the things that make you happiest.
I'll leave you with a song that's been in my head all day. It has no special meaning, but Weird Al was on Howard this morning, and they played a clip from I Lost on Jeopardy, which made me think of Greg Kihn and my favorite song by them. Yes, there is no easy thought process in this head of mine. I hope it brings back some good memories for you. Greg's right in that, they just don't write 'em like that anymore.