A journey is full of so many steps. There are some steps forward, backward, missteps, but they are all part of our journey. There isn't such a thing as a perfect journey. It might turn out to be your perfect journey, but it's full of all of those types of steps. I have to tell myself this every day as I take my different steps or stumbles toward my goals. I would say this has been my biggest lesson in wanting this to be the rest of my life. My head tell me: you know how to do this: simply eat a vegan, whole foods diet, and everything you want to happen will happen. Maybe that will be part of my journey one day, but at this point, I honestly don't see it that way. Right now, I incorporate a lot of those principles into my diet, but it's not the basis for my diet. Honestly, I'm just trying to be smarter. I keep harping on this, but it's true: I just think about everything I eat. My diet today is night and day from what it was just a month and a half ago. I'll need to improve as I go on, but I'm learning something everyday during these steps. For the first time in my life, I'm learning to really forgive myself for not being the person I think I should be. My whole life I've beat myself up about not being good enough in whatever area of my life. You name it, and I've beat the shit out of myself for it. These past couple of years (most especially this last year), it's really hit an all-time high (or low-I guess) on how I perceive myself, how I disappoint myself. It's gotten me to a place where I simply dropped off the face of the earth to people outside of Illinois. I quit returning phone calls, texts, etc. It all happened without me really knowing it. I would always tell myself, I'll get back to them later, when I have more time, etc. Later would never come. I've sat there with the phone in my hand (actually even did this Friday night), wanting to reach out to say hello, but then I think about what I have to offer. What will I say when people ask how I am? What will I say when they ask about the book I haven't been able to touch in many months? What will I say when they ask about my job? My family (that I always feel I'm failing?) It's overwhelming to me. I have been called out on it by people that love me, my lack of communication, which only leads to even more silence. Some have handled it with nothing but love, while I've also seen anger. This has been going on for even more months than I care to admit. I'm working on it, though. I'm making myself go out of my comfort zone. I even had a phone conversation today with someone I should never go more than a week without speaking to, and it had been since August. It's all part of my steps... I'm just glad I have steps, that I'm not standing still or walking backwards, as I have for so long now. These steps have allowed me to recognize some of my issues and address the weight. These steps are taking some of this weight off that has been weighing me down in every single way. My steps aren't perfect. In fact, I'm a little nervous that I may even be up a pound or so this weigh in. Not being able to walk without feeling like I want to cry didn't help things. Eating out more than I should also didn't help at all. But still, I thought about every bite, and I never went off the rails. I just didn't do as well as I can. I hope that I'll be at a loss, but I can't be certain.
Today's steps have led to my first 10,000 since last Sunday. My back is so much better. The stars aligned for my chiropractor appointment on Thursday. The chiro had actually learned a new technique that morning at a seminar. The back issue was partly tied to a permanent back issue I have for which I have never received relief from a chiro. This new technique worked on where the bone and muscles meet and moving the muscles back into place. Tears rolled down my face on Thursday as it was so painful, but when she was done I was able to stand up straight. Friday's appointment wasn't as bad and again I had improvement. I'm sore and afraid to lift any weight, but I'm able to walk. I got steps in between Cal's races today at his swim meet. I don't feel comfortable walking Jesse yet, as I'm afraid if she pulls, my back will pull, too. I feel it pulling with most steps, but it's manageable. I'll be alright. Tomorrow should be better than today, and I have a chiro appointment. I'm so very grateful to be moving again. It was really depressing having something I've come to love taken away like that.
There are a few people who have helped me with my steps along the way. I've mentioned my friend from work, who I've been doing lunches with a couple of times a week (I provide a healthy lunch on M and she on W). She has been a tremendous help to me in this journey. On Thursday, her position was eliminated. It's heartbreaking. She's good at her job. I will miss her. I will miss her always being so positive with me and each step. In fact, even in her selflessness today, she text that she will miss being along side me in this journey and want to be kept up to date. That really meant a lot to me, that she would think of that, in the midst of all that's just come upon her. I'm grateful to her and others that are there for me. I'm grateful to my friend who helped me run errands yesterday, lifting the things I can't for me. She gave me her whole day, between watching Cal swim and the things I needed to do. I'm grateful to White 5 for coming out to watch Cal swim, too, even though he has every reason in the world to not drive the hour out here. I also took on a project this week, that became really overwhelming very quickly. I'm grateful to those that recognized it and offered their help. I'm grateful they see the same vision I have for this project. I'm grateful for their time and money. I can't wait until it's done. I've really thought about all of these people these past few days. I'm so blessed to have always surrounded myself with the best of people. The type of people who would always stand by me, just like those are doing now, even when I've done my best to push them away.
I could write and write tonight, but I should stop for now. I just felt this overwhelming need to write about what I've been going through. This blog has taught me that I'm not the only one out there experiencing some of these things. Becoming so distant is a first for me, but I am seeing a way out of it-maybe a baby step in the right direction. Whatever steps you're wanting to take, I hope you keep your eye on the prize.
I once again ask you to pray for Jeff. Please pray for relief for him and his family. Please pray that his prayers are answered soon. I also ask that you keep White 5 in your prayers. His last round of chemo should start tomorrow, and I pray his numbers are good. He's ready for this part to be over and then onto the last portion of his treatment plan.
I'll leave you with a fantastic song by Kenny Chesney and Pink. May we all set the world on fire in our own way. One step at a time.
Jen
Today's steps have led to my first 10,000 since last Sunday. My back is so much better. The stars aligned for my chiropractor appointment on Thursday. The chiro had actually learned a new technique that morning at a seminar. The back issue was partly tied to a permanent back issue I have for which I have never received relief from a chiro. This new technique worked on where the bone and muscles meet and moving the muscles back into place. Tears rolled down my face on Thursday as it was so painful, but when she was done I was able to stand up straight. Friday's appointment wasn't as bad and again I had improvement. I'm sore and afraid to lift any weight, but I'm able to walk. I got steps in between Cal's races today at his swim meet. I don't feel comfortable walking Jesse yet, as I'm afraid if she pulls, my back will pull, too. I feel it pulling with most steps, but it's manageable. I'll be alright. Tomorrow should be better than today, and I have a chiro appointment. I'm so very grateful to be moving again. It was really depressing having something I've come to love taken away like that.
There are a few people who have helped me with my steps along the way. I've mentioned my friend from work, who I've been doing lunches with a couple of times a week (I provide a healthy lunch on M and she on W). She has been a tremendous help to me in this journey. On Thursday, her position was eliminated. It's heartbreaking. She's good at her job. I will miss her. I will miss her always being so positive with me and each step. In fact, even in her selflessness today, she text that she will miss being along side me in this journey and want to be kept up to date. That really meant a lot to me, that she would think of that, in the midst of all that's just come upon her. I'm grateful to her and others that are there for me. I'm grateful to my friend who helped me run errands yesterday, lifting the things I can't for me. She gave me her whole day, between watching Cal swim and the things I needed to do. I'm grateful to White 5 for coming out to watch Cal swim, too, even though he has every reason in the world to not drive the hour out here. I also took on a project this week, that became really overwhelming very quickly. I'm grateful to those that recognized it and offered their help. I'm grateful they see the same vision I have for this project. I'm grateful for their time and money. I can't wait until it's done. I've really thought about all of these people these past few days. I'm so blessed to have always surrounded myself with the best of people. The type of people who would always stand by me, just like those are doing now, even when I've done my best to push them away.
I could write and write tonight, but I should stop for now. I just felt this overwhelming need to write about what I've been going through. This blog has taught me that I'm not the only one out there experiencing some of these things. Becoming so distant is a first for me, but I am seeing a way out of it-maybe a baby step in the right direction. Whatever steps you're wanting to take, I hope you keep your eye on the prize.
I once again ask you to pray for Jeff. Please pray for relief for him and his family. Please pray that his prayers are answered soon. I also ask that you keep White 5 in your prayers. His last round of chemo should start tomorrow, and I pray his numbers are good. He's ready for this part to be over and then onto the last portion of his treatment plan.
I'll leave you with a fantastic song by Kenny Chesney and Pink. May we all set the world on fire in our own way. One step at a time.
Jen
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