Life has seemed very overwhelming lately. I've been choking on the anxiety of it all, and that sucks. I really feel like I'm emotionally unstable sometimes. I seem to have no control. It's all such a far cry from the years I went without crying. Really, years, and I never cried. That's probably not healthy either, but I'd take that over sudden tears that I have no time to talk myself out of. Of course, this isn't all the time, but it's enough to question my own sanity. It's a very frustrating feeling. I'm a control freak. I'll readily admit that, so I guess it makes sense why I'm so frustrated with myself. There's just a couple of things I find myself ill-equipped to deal with, and then when I try to talk about it-I'm just a rambling fool and am frustrated with my own word choices. So, I kick myself even harder afterward. Again, maybe I should go back to the person that never shared how I was truly feeling-ever. Again, healthy is probably somewhere in the middle. I've been grappling with this for a few months now, but I talked to H.P. on the phone the other night.... Talk about a lifesaver. It's funny, how she has this way of making me feel justified in my thoughts or actions and makes me feel less crazy. It's like my crazy is this big, overwhelming meal I need to cook and all I can look at is everything I have to do, how I don't have everything to make it, etc. H.P. breaks it into little, doable parts for me. She takes me away from the person who feels they need to figure it all out in that moment, the person who can't forgive herself, the person who can't put herself first. She puts those into little side dishes, so I can see the things I need to see on their own. As always, I am truly, truly blessed to have her in my life. She took a weight off of me, and for the moment: I'm not choking on my own anxiety. I'm not faking it. I'm enjoying the moments. I try to make the most of everyday, but the days when it doesn't feel like work, are the best.
So, now that I'm dealing with some stuff, can I be skinny? Oh, it doesn't work that way... I don't think it work this way either: planning your diet over ice cream-as my friend/co-worker did today. Yes, very seriously we talked about "Monday." This stuff seems to always go better in teams, so hopefully Team Ice Cream will work. We both want to be thinner for various reasons, including the obvious. But more than appearance, for me, I just want to be active again. I want to feel like I can walk on the beach at my cousin's wedding, and not worry about holding everyone up. I want to be able to take the unplanned side-tours the bff and I always seem to take in Chicago, when she's here next month for my birthday. Yes, this is no shit...we always have walking Google Maps on, but seems to take us three miles, when it is supposed to be around the block. I know I'll still be fat in a few weeks, but hopefully 10k steps a day between now and then makes me feel like less of an invalent come drunken bar hopping time.
At the end of the day, a friend and I sometimes text about what our favorite part of the day was. Cal and I are now talking about it everyday. I love it. Anyway, I thought I'd share mine. I hadn't seen Sarah since the brain aneurism, in person anyway. I've only seen photos and videos through her husband. Anyway, I was able to visit with her a bit tonight. Her smile is still the same. She was cracking jokes about nearly dying, much to the dismay of Alex and her oldest son. It was fantastic. The road to recovery is going to be very long, but it was so very nice to see her. Please continue to keep her in your thoughts and prayers. Really, when I hear that you guys are doing this for her, it makes my heart smile. She's one of us-except cooler. She really is :)
I heard this song while waiting at a stopped train tonight, while trying to pickup Cal from swim practice. I'm certainly not saying, I'm cured! I'll never ever be sad again... I just always loved this song, and I am feeling better. Evenness is something I'll have to always work on I guess, but I am grateful for every single moment I'm able to be present-even if it is in Illinois ;)