Cal's cold, but before that I've been feeling the effects of how poorly I've
been treating my body. I've had
heartburn, gas..., and an overall feeling of just feeling like crap. I told a friend I'm catching Cal's cold, and they told me to make sure to get home and take some vit C and make some juice.
Good diet has been so far from my mind, that really, something so elementary hadn't even occurred to me. Or maybe I didn't want to think about it... So, yesterday I started my day with a glass of water (which I usually do every day, but hadn't in a while), and then took some Vit C thing that dissolves in water. I ate a banana on the way to work, and at lunch ran up and bought a box of Cuties. I had a couple of those, and for Cal's birthday dinner I ordered a side
of carrots and celery. I did these things in addition to the crap I had (doughnut, soda, pizza brought in to work, Buffalo Wild Wings). But I must
say, my body has responded. I'm sure my body still hates me, but it's rewarding me with allowing me to feel better today than I did yesterday.
I know my body has been starved for anything fresh and non-processed. I've gone days at a time without eating anything healthy. And you know how I weighed myself a few weeks ago or so, and I was at 223, the highest I'd been in years? I then got my crap together and I think I was 217 last time I checked. Well, at the Dr. this week I was 230.... I wasn't going to talk about that number on here. It's so very shameful.... But I spent my awake time during the middle of the night (there's almost always a couple hours of it), really thinking about what I'm doing to myself. My normal reaction would be to beat the shit out of myself. I mean, the Dr. literally doubled the dosage on my new antidepressant
this week. I am so ashamed. So, my mind wants to start tearing myself apart, but instead....I'm thinking well shit, this isn't a great starting point, but let's start putting yourself back together. Not punishing myself...such a novel idea. I have to let my old ways go, before I literally have a stroke or a heart attack. I'm not saying this stuff lightly. I know how I punish myself. I know my sleep patterns would make anyone crazy. I'm sure that my eating habits have sent people younger than me to an early grave. I have no doubts about that one.
In the middle of the night, as I lay there and thought about all of these things. I
thought about all of the reasons I want to live. I want to know what it feels like to truly be in shape. I was in great shape the first half of my life, but I can hardly remember that, and even then, I felt disgusted with my body and felt that I was the only fat person on the face of the earth. So, I want to know what healthy and being fit feels like and appreciate it. I want to put on a sleeveless shirt and feel great about it. Now, I can't even buy a normal short sleeve shirt, it has to be long enough to cover up most of the fat, cellulite, and stretch marks. I know this must sound vain saying this, before mentioning about how I
want to live for my family. I do. I truly do. I can't even imagine the pain I would bring to Brian and the boys if I were to have a heart attack tomorrow, not to mention the fact that Holley would be cussing at my coffin and kicking it (lol...I mentioned that a couple entries ago). So, that's a pain I really don't want to think about. What I thought of was what a great birthday Cal had yesterday. Despite him still being sick, he had a great day. I had to work, but Brian took the boys to breakfast in the a.m., and spend the day with them. I left work an hour early in order to get home and go out to Rockford with them. But first, we let him open his gifts from us (all Nascar related) and a bunch of scented candles. Really, Cal wanted candles. He loves to smell things. Even walking through a store last night, he stopped at a lipstick display
and just started smelling. I thought about how much I love these moments, even though they might not be the norm, how happy they make him. I thought about Ryne and all the things that drive me crazy about him. He really is just like me... Poor kiddo. But I thought about how much I love him and how proud I am of how much love his heart truly holds. I'm not kidding when I say
he's been up for an hour and a half, and he's probably told me he loves me 10
times already. I know he has a nervousness about him, but he is all heart. He always has been. I thought about Brian and how much he loves me and how I've felt my love grow for him. He never says anything about my weight, which is astonishing to me. Sometimes I wish he'd tell me he's worried about me, and wants to support me in losing weight. But he would never say anything that he thinks might hurt my feelings. I actually wish I could change this about him, but he loves in the best way he knows how, and I'm so fortunate to be married to him. So, I'm not going to approach getting healthy out of a place of fear. I want to approach it out of a place of love. A place of love for myself. Loving myself is not always easy, but I feel like I've come a long way in this regard. I am proud of myself for this.
My plan over the next couple of days is to read the blog from start to finish. I don't believe I've ever done that. The only time I ever go back and re-read any entry is if I'm afraid I may have said something that might hurt someone's feelings. I try not to do that, but the blog comes from such a raw place, that I do say exactly what's on my mind. But at the same time, I'm cognizant to the fact that someone may hear about something I've written and it may upset them. For this reason, there are certain things in my life or past, that I consider off limits for this blog. And really, off limits to most everyone. But anyway, I plan to read it in an effort to learn about my bad patterns. I want to come face to face with some trigger points. I don't think going back and reading this is going to be easy. Depression really has taken a hold of my life way too many times. There are things I know I don't want to relive. I'm hoping this exercise will prove to be a valuable one, though. And hey, it's the end of another year, so what better timing? As always, thanks for reading this. I
appreciate the love and understanding that I've heard from some of you over this
past year and a half. You really
have no idea how much some of your messages have touched my heart, and how I
keep your kind words close to my heart.
Wishing you a fantastic day,