In large part, I have not been good about getting my steps in. I feel great about the weekend though, doing 3 ½ mile walks each day. My commitment to myself this week, is to be better about being active. During the week, it is difficult between P.T., kids activities, appointments, etc. I know that it’s doable, though. I just have to want it enough. I just have to figure out what my block is on being active. Usually, I have that part down, way before I address the food issues. This time, it’s opposite.
Last week, after an appointment, I was able to meet up with a friend (former co-worker) for dinner. I really enjoy her and it was such a nice dinner. She brought up the blog and offered encouragement in my writing. I’ve kept that with me all week, and it is what is driving me to write today. Writing truly is a healthy exercise for me. It goes to show, you never know what kind of impact you can have on someone’s life. To you – thank you.
I have kept on the straight and narrow as far as my diet goes. It is not easy, especially when the company brings in warm apple cider doughnuts (from local apple orchard) and cider. The smell lingers everywhere. I had gone into the day, thinking I was going to allow for one, but when I saw that it was 80% of my point value for the day – decided it wasn’t worth it. It was hard enough making it through one day, but they had the leftovers out the next morning. Ugh. Friday a coworker brought in a pumpkin loaf and it is still sitting 10 feet from me.
I managed to refrain from eating the sweets on Friday and was saving my points for after-work drinks with co-workers. I planned on having a salad for lunch, but when a group went for Thai, I couldn’t resist. Most of my points went to lunch, so I had two Michelob Ultra when we went out. I don’t love beer (anymore), but it was a better option than wasting points on cheap wine. Friday was a tough day emotionally. There were small triggers, but mostly it was just this heavy blanket that was with me. I felt it coming on all week. The beer worsened my feelings of sadness. I bought the boys home some dinner, but because of the heavy lunch, I decided to eat something at home. While I was driving home, I felt this heavy pressure on my chest (like an elephant was sitting on it). I couldn’t breathe. I then realized, that I had been dealing with everything the past year and a half through food and alcohol (although I haven’t been drinking much in recent months). My go-to was/is gone. I just wanted to numb it all, and I didn’t help my situation by eating a rice cake when I got home – haha. I did later eat something else, too. Idk…it was the big epiphany on why I had been feeling down, when I should be feeling up. I seriously was mourning the loss of food….how fucked up is this? It made me sad, that I couldn’t just open a bottle of wine and eat some Mexican food to make everything better in that moment. I have come a long way in recent months, as far as depression goes. I’m truly thankful for this. Still, it is a part of me (at least for the time being). I knew the food or wine wouldn’t really cure everything, but honestly…it helps in the moment….when work gets stressful….going to that 7-11 in the cafeteria, helped in the moment…. I know that these are just moments, though. I’ve kept the eye on the prize – better health and weight loss. I get too overwhelmed and even ashamed when I look back on how my emotions have dictated my eating habits. I have to just take it all one day at a time. I would say, one weigh in at a time, but the scale doesn’t get that kind of ownership over me. I put the scale away when I started WW. I’m tempted all the time, to pull it out, but I just have to take it one week at a time.
A friend and I are doing WW together. We weigh in at 7:30 A.M. on Saturdays. So far, we’ve also gone to do fun things afterwards (hiking, errands, breakfast, check out cool shops etc). I knew I was within my points this week (and left many on the table), but because I had been feeling down – my head had started to play tricks on me. I was expecting to gain, but for the second week in a row, I was down 2.5 pounds. In the three weeks I’ve been doing WW, I’m down 12.5 pounds. I’m really proud of this. I immediately started feeling better physically once I started watching what I was eating. Even now, as I look at my hands when I type, there is no water retention in my hands. I hadn’t seen my real hands in a long time. I will need to continue to work through the battles in my head. I know…I’m worth it….I’m more than sadness or depression. For the most part, I feel good. It’s frustrating as fuck when it comes to visit. It shouldn’t be like this. I have a good life. I know this.
Yesterday was a much better day, and it showed in my energy level. I had more done by 8 A.M. than I normally have done in a day. The sadness is still lingering a bit today. It’s not ready to completely leave…But I will take this. I’m winning this battle and sometimes it’s the most you can hope for.
Diet continues to go well today and back to P/T tonight. I haven’t found my “cow in the middle of the path” today, but no doubt it is there. There is so much that is unique and awesome about every day.
Thanks for listening. Hope you have a wonderful week.
-And happy, happy birthday to my dear Sister Nealy - tomorrow. xo