It has now been seven weeks since I chose to leave my job. It is a decision that I believed was well thought out but then again, hindsight is twenty-twenty.

When I last wrote, I spoke of Brian getting a positive COVID test a few days into my newfound freedom from a toxic work environment. In that time, I was glad to be off work. I couldn’t imagine working (even from home) while things were so stressful. I was so worried about him and the boys, my cousin, and myself. Brian was great in trying to make us all believe he was doing okay, even as he looked like death and was constantly coughing what sounded – like his guts up. Brian’s work had been short-handed, so even with his illness, he worked through it (he has been working from home since March or so). He did his best and his coworkers were so appreciative and supportive. I wanted him to take time off, but he knew it would just screw someone else. The blasted virus hit Brian hard. He likely caught it 8+ weeks ago but still has a  cough and fatigue. Thankfully, he seems to have gotten much better over this last week.

If you’ve been in quarantine, you know what a great feeling it is to be free 😊 My first day out, I visited a good friend and she bought us Thai food and we had lovely chat. I was also able to meet another friend the next day and sit by the river and eat. I have a small bubble, but it felt good to get out of the house. It was wonderful to sleep in my own bed again and not feel like I was walking into the death room as it felt like for a time.

Thanksgiving was simply wonderful. Our “adopted son,” Hunter came to spend the holiday with us. He was a rotational who had the misfortune of being placed in Rockford (he’s from NY) at the very beginning of the pandemic. He was out here alone – so far from family, girlfriend and friends. When we started working from home, and realized he had no human interaction, I invited him over for dinner. We would eat outside and it became a weekly thing. I went from thinking, I was doing the right thing by having him over, to truly loving this kid. It has been a great joy to get to know him and he became part of our family, with the boys even referring to him as our “favorite son.” Cal goes so far as to say that it is nice that Ryne is now a middle child. The work situation was awful and was so glad for him when his rotation ended in Rockford and was able to then move on the Wisconsin facility. I missed him and having him “home” for Thanksgiving made our holiday all the better. We had done a lot of hiking through the pandemic and was wonderful to get in another hike on Black Friday.

It was also Thanksgiving that Caleb said that the one and only person in his bubble was now getting migraines. He had just spent hours with her in a car that Tuesday. We dismissed it and then became a little more alarmed when we learned on Friday that she had gone in for a COVID test. Cal began to complain of symptoms. He has always been anxiety ridden about the virus, so we still weren’t too concerned, thinking it might be psychological – until that evening when her mother tested positive. Caleb began to feel worse and by Sunday (the day his friend came back positive) had become very ill. His test took a few days but was then confirmed he, too, had COVID. It was one of the worst things ever – seeing your son so sick. I was his caregiver (Brian was working) and was shocked to test negative. Still, by the time the test came back I was already too far in with him. Caleb had most symptoms you hear about. He was the sickest he’s ever been. I was so scared as his chest was so heavy feeling. The poor kid….was just so awful. He lost weight and color (which is hard to imagine with how white this kid is). This virus did this to a healthy, sixteen-year-old, swimmer. Thankfully, he is all those things and the worst of it was about a week. He still struggles with fatigue and headaches but is doing much better. His school just went to remote learning, and it has helped. He had returned to school for a couple days and would have to nap twice after school. Being home all day now has been helpful to his recovery. Swim season was also postponed in its first week, just as he got sick. So, he is lucky that he didn’t have to miss out on the season because of the illness.

Again, I was grateful that I wasn’t working. I would not have been able to take care of Caleb the way I did, had I been working. Because I was Caleb’s caregiver, I need to quarantine an additional two weeks after he got out of quarantine. I get out next week. I will have spent nearly four of six weeks in quarantine. Ryne has been lucky through it all. He has not had any symptoms. We don’t know if he was A-symptomatic or didn’t get it. He did not want to test. We were also able to separate him from Cal, so his quarantine was less than mine. During this quarantine, he did lose his job, though. There were cuts and out of 17 employees in his dept, 13 were cut. This is a real bummer, as it was his first real job. It was good for him in a lot of ways. Caleb is a lifeguard and has had his hours cut dramatically through the pandemic, as well.

My former boss and the site leader were let go a couple of weeks ago. I guess timing is everything. I would not have left my job, had this happened earlier. I then of course began to second guess my decision, but even another month in that situation would not have been good for me. My eating, soda consumption, wine intake was all out of control, as well as my blood pressure.

This will seem off topic, but it is not. In the economy crash/housing crisis of 2008, Brian lost his job. We were blindsided as he worked for DHL, the third largest delivery company in the world. He was in a union and had seniority. DHL decided to pull domestic service and just like that, Brian and 95% of US employees lost their job. To say the situation was stressful, does not even cover it. There were no jobs. After a year of not working, he went to school to work on wind turbines. After graduation, there were no jobs in the NW. It had now been two years since he worked and ended up taking a job in IL. The plan was for him to gain experience and then find a job in NW. There were still no jobs, so after nine months of the family being separated, we decided to move the family to IL. The plan was to be here for one year and then move back. I left my job of 10 ½ years and came out here with no job prospects. It took a while but thankfully did get a job. In all that happened, we had to start completely over, financially. It was a truly devastating situation and one I never want to go through again.

I have always been a fish out of water here in Illinois. The boys were doing good here, Brian has moved up in his job a couple of times and loves what he does. It felt like it was a good fit for them but not for me. Finally, I began to see God’s plan for taking me here, but then for the same reason, I ended up becoming angry with God and questioning what I thought was his path/reason (certainly not my finest time).

We have established roots here. We promised the boys they would graduate here as we had moved them too much. The plan was still to move somewhere back in in NW after Cal graduated, but then with Cal wanting to go to college here (Ryne is couple years ahead of him in school) and considering Brian’s age and love for job – I knew we would be here until Brian retired. I have done a lot of work on myself and through therapy. I work to accept a life here. It feels in a lot of ways as if Illinois equals turmoil. It is here that I got so sick and could have died. I’ve gone through so much here but thankfully, I feel like I’ve grown into a different, stronger person. I have the greatest therapist. I would not say I have a lot of friends here, but I have loving, good people as friends. I was meant to know them. We have been adopted into a wonderful family out here. There are many reasons, I cannot wait for this pandemic to end. I am a social person and it has been hard to be apart from those I care about out here (and of course not being able to travel to see friends and family). The pandemic is a real fuck. I bitch, but we are so lucky. I have had friends end up in the hospital and some lose parents to this fucking thing.  As sick as Brian and Cal got, thank God, they are okay.

Anyway, I digress. Last week, Brian got a call on his day off from some mucky muck that he had never heard of, saying his last day was in six days. Brian’s department duties were being moved to India. Uh, what the fuck?! Brian works for a worldwide company, and they had always been assured their jobs were protected – that U.S. sites require U.S. monitoring. (They also monitor all over the world). Yes, the company that Brian worked through COVID for, didn’t take his bereavement time because they were short-handed, was given six days notice from someone he had never heard of. This was especially shocking as they had just hired someone a few weeks ago. Merry Fucking Christmas, right?
I feel terrible for Brian. He has worked for them for more than ten years. We live in Illinois because of this job. Brian has shut down. It has been a lot to process. I have been an absolute wreck. Of all the timing to walk away from my job. Caleb is the only one in the house with a job and offered to get me and Brian on at the parks district. He is so sweet. My biggest fear is over health insurance. Brian has great insurance and my guess is the COBRA payment will be larger than unemployment benefits. I’m getting 3D mammograms every 3-6 months. We need to keep it. Immediately, my head went to the food bank lines you see on t.v. If there is a dark place, I can go there.

Yesterday I went for a drive and got my favorite lunch (baked potato with cheddar cheese, broccoli and cauliflower). I spoke with a friend on the phone (without crying), listened to music and sat by the river and ate. It was a mood lifter. Not long after I got home, a friend text to say she had done a porch drop and left the most thoughtful gift and Christmas arrangement for the family. If we had not moved out here, I would not know her or the other kind, loving people I have become close with.  My head is on a lot more straight now. When it happened, I recoiled at being someone who always makes things happen, but now I am in that head space. Thank God, we had saved money for me to quit my job. The money was not meant to live on without Brian’s job, but it is money. There are so many others out there who were not as fortunate.

We are honoring our commitment to stay out here for the boys. I’m focusing on all of the good that has happened in this short time since leaving my job. My blood pressure was scary. I have  gotten that down. I’ve lost a good chunk of weight. I get 10,000+ steps in on most days. Physically, I feel so much better. It is nice not to have that awful swelling in the hands from eating out. I’ve only drank twice in past 6+ weeks. I’m proud of all of this, especially in the midst of all we have been through. I have been in talks with a company for a couple of months now. I have not been able to go in for third interview because of the quarantines but there is still hope there as I meet with him at the end of the month. I have had no interest in a management position, but he has done a good job of selling it to me. I also had a phone interview the other day (with another company) and have a follow up Zoom interview with the management team on Monday. I did not know that I wanted to work yet but we adapt with what is going on and now I would just be truly grateful. Nothing is certain in this economy. I do not think either of them is a slam dunk but I am blessed to at least have interviews so close to the holidays and at a time when unemployment is so high. Brian has also been applying place and really hope he is able to stay working in the field of wind energy. Oh, and he was told yesterday – they need he and his partner to stay on through the end of the month. We are extremely fortunate to get these unexpected two extra weeks of work. The other crew was not so lucky.

I remain grateful for the friends who are always reaching out as they know I’m not one who initiates a lot of conversations. I crawl into a shell and am blessed so many know how to still reach me.
​
I know this was a lot and am not sure if anyone is still reading – but it has made me feel better to write this all out. If you are in a similar situation with this economy, I wish you all the best.

~Jen
I’ll leave you some Dolly. I’ll be fine and dandy.
​

Happy Friday to you! I hope this week treated you well in spite of this crazy ass pandemic that is surrounding us all.

In recent months, I had written about the stress of my job. It is hard to know exactly how much the pandemic added to everything at work. Things had been rough due to changes in upper management beforehand and then the addition of a senior manager over our department. It is fair to say they created a toxic environment within our department. I held on, even as I saw friends/coworkers cry nearly every day, given impossible goals, lose their jobs after 29 years and some with 20, on and on. We worked from home for several months, and Brian would see what I was going through daily. He saw me work seven days a week for months in attempts to support and represent the team, do meaningless required spreadsheets and presentations, and adapts to the daily changes in requirements. I did start to save money in case the day came when I did need to walk away, but I did not want to let inept management be the reason I left. I planned to work through it but became tougher as decisions were being made – that were unethical, at best.

Once we were required to return to the office, my anxiety level increased. My diet shit the bed. I started drinking more often and could not come to terms with being around so many who did not wear masks or did the chin mask thing. Most departments had the option to work from home but ours did not.
With all of this going on, last month, I went in for my fifth or sixth 3D mammogram in the past eighteen months. Prior to 3D, I was used to extra ultrasounds (I have dense tissue) and even had a biopsy done nine years ago. 3D was a game changer, though, I would get clear scans, until a year and a half ago. We kept an eye on something during this time. With this last mammogram – if there was minimal or no growth, I was supposed to be moving on to regular yearly scans. This time, there were new things to watch. I came back in once again, for the extra scans. I sat there with a pile of nerves, even as they came back once again during the same visit, getting more pictures at the radiologist request. My stomach was in knots, as now I knew we were looking at multiple things and the words from the technician scared the shit out of me. She returned with a brief description and again said, we need to see you in six months. I could not hide my emotions as I said, why do we keep doing this? She gave me the reasons but also gave me advice, telling me she is a breast cancer survivor. It was a rough day, filled with anger and confusion. I reached out to a friend of mine who is in the medical field and has a strong history of breast cancer in her family. She helped put me fears at ease. I have not really discussed any of this with many people. If I didn’t feel like things are going to be okay, I would not be discussing it now. My prayers and faith tell me things will be good when we look in sixth months. My friend explained things in better ways for me to understand and digest. There is no need to hit the panic button. Just a need to be proactive and aware.

The evening of the last mammogram, I started reflecting on my lifestyle, especially since returning to the office. I thought of all the anxiety I feel every day and how I let that affect my diet and drinking habits. I really thought, this fucking place is going to give me cancer. I then decided to take that Friday off and really evaluate things with work and if I wanted to continue. Thursday I was pulled into a last minute, late meeting, where I watched a strong woman (that I don’t have a lot of direct meetings with), break down and cry after being berated and questioned. I have known her well since I started working there and had never seen her cry. In that moment, I did not need to make a decision on Friday – I knew I was quitting.

There were a million reasons, not to quit – I am half of our household salary. Who the fuck did I think I was thinking of leaving a job, when so many are struggling? I can’t leave my coworkers to go through this alone. We need to continue to put more money away for retirement. We are paying college tuition, swim, on and on and on…. I was thinking of letting everyone else down until I realized, I need to do this for me.

Brian left to fly back to the west coast for my last week of work. We strongly considered me going with him, but the elementary school had just closed for two weeks, due to COVID, and I was afraid the same may happen to the H.S. I didn’t want Cal to be alone for that. He has always taken this thing extremely seriously, as we all have in this house. Brian chose to fly home to help with a family matter, and although we both worried about travel amid a pandemic, it was the right call to make.

The last week of work was emotional in a lot of ways. I take a lot of pride in the job I do. Many people reached out and wished me well and had the nicest things to say about my performance. I am quite proud of the job I did and the positive changes I brought to the company. It’s hard to leave something when the job you do, becomes part of your identity. It became part of my self-worth.
My coworkers wanted to have a going away party at our local watering hole. I have not been eating in restaurants or going to bars since the pandemic began. I did want to say goodbye to those I was closed to and decided to have just a few people over to the house, along with their kids. It was the first time we’d had more than two people in the house. We had a lovely time and I felt really loved and appreciated.

Brian had returned the night before. It was late and he was tired and went right to bed. A cousin had reached out the day before, stating she was in Chicago and wanted to come visit us. It turned out she was able to pick Brian up from the airport and bring him home for me.

On my last day, I left work after lunch and came home to take a nap. I was having a terrible cycle and needed to rest before people came over. When I got up, it was the first time I had  really seen Brian since returning the evening before. He looked and felt awful. I knew two of the people were already on their way over from Wisconsin but considered calling the gathering off. He always gets sick when traveling and we chalked it up to that and he chose to stay in the room - only coming out briefly to say hello to everyone.

My cousin was to leave Saturday but decided to stay longer. It was nice to see family but knew the following week was going to be tough – a lot of emotion about leaving the job and money.

Brian was still sick on Monday and his cough was getting much worse. He kept assuring me it was just his regular sickness from travel. Tuesday, I called the Dr and set up a tele-visit for him. He went to get tested for COIVD that day.
Twenty-four hours later, we learned he had COVID. My heart sank. I had dread to tell the boys, who had been so careful and taken everything so seriously. I knew Cal would be panicked. My cousin was still here, so it broke my heart to tell her, as she had been the one to drive him the one and half hours from airport.

I immediately reached out to the coworkers who had been to my home. Brian reached out to his two closest friends who he had spent time with, in Washington, along with their spouses and kids. Brian also told his folks, who he had spent a few days with in the same house. I was in shock. I’d been telling myself, I was worrying for nothing – as I do – that this was not COVID. Brian had worn two masks on the plane as well as gloves. He most likely got it in the airport or on the plane. I told a couple friends that night and over the next few days as different friends text or called to say hi. It was a shock to all, as I hadn’t told many he traveled or had been sick.

Brian’s cough continued to get even worse and he had no energy and was tired all the time. His body ached and had no appetite. He ended up losing ten pounds.

I was panicked everyone in the house was going to get it. There was tons of door handle cleaning, Lysoling of toilet seats, etc.

Brian was quarantined to our bedroom, my cousin downstairs and I slept on the couch.

I began to feel quite sluggish and eventually would have fluttering of the heart and often became lightheaded. I immediately took a test, which would take several days to come back. One night I got woozy in a way I’d never felt before. I nearly passed out face first into boiling water. I began to feel much better after only four days or so. My face broke out with a couple of rashes and bumps all over the rest of my face. Thankfully, a good friend is also my dermatologist and the meds are working well. I have a bit to go but have come a long way. With all of this, my test came back negative. I was shocked. I still don’t know if it was a false negative, as has happened to a few people I know who went on to test positive only days later – or if I my body had been reacting to all the anxiety of the COVID situation in our house. I was worried the boys would become sick, had guilt about my cousin picking Brian up at the airport. I was worried about myself – obese with high blood pressure. My heart broke with every coughing fit from Brian. I’d just left my job. It was election week and there was tons of stress about that, and having a house guest on top of it all. I didn’t bother to re-test as it really didn’t change anything, if I had it or not. We were in quarantine, regardless.

Nothing over the counter, touched Brian’s cough but prescription cough syrup did help a bit. It took quite a while for the cough to really calm down. Brian’s complexion was grey but is getting better by the day. He still has a bit of a cough but it is not bad and sounds more normal.

Brian did pass it along to his friends and their families. Thank God, none of them got as sick as Brian. I also prayed every day that Brian’s folks did not get it. They did not test, so I am not sure if they did not get it or were, for the most part A-symptomatic. My cousin tested negative and after ten days was able to leave our house. Our boys also remained healthy and did not get tested. It is said that COVID is most contagious in the beginning. We feel like this is why a lot more people didn’t get it after that first few days of Brian contracting it.

Brian has worked out nearly every single day of 2020. He is in the best shape he has been in years. This virus kicked his ass. He was able to start working out again this week but has a while before he can get back to where he was pre-virus. He kept saying, he could see how it could be so hard on the elderly. It is awful shit.

I am not making any political statements here. I am just telling you, first-hand, what we have gone through. This virus is a mother fucker. Please, please, please take it seriously. Please wear your mask and please keep your bubbles small. Please stay home over the holidays. I say all of this with love.

This last month has certainly been life changing but there is a lot of good here. The anxiety from my job is gone. I have not had wine in 2 ½ weeks, when I was sometimes drinking 2-4 times a week, after returning to the office (not easy to admit). I have not had Pepsi in a week and a half. There has been a lot of hiking and appreciation of every little thing, including my friends who were truly there for me through this. One sent elderberry syrup, another grocery shopped and cooked for us, while another left me some wonderful goodies last weekend. I had a few friends who checked on us every single day, during this COVID stuff. I have a smile on my face as I finish writing this post, that was not easy to write. I have the last of a candle burning that my auntie sent me and am taking it in.

Please stay safe my friends,

​Jen
 
 

I left the house around 7 this morning to hike with my dog. We hiked about five miles and had a wonderful time. I was hoping the boys would be up when we got home, but I knew that was a long shot. We have some school shopping to do today and wanted to get an earlier start when there would be less people out. Since returning home, I’ve iced the knees, watered the plants, cleaned, dishes, put dinner on in the crock pot, showered….blah, blah, blah. Cal poked his head out about half an hour ago and asked him to start getting ready, he mumbled, “in a bit.” I now hear Ryne up and it’s 12:10. This…is parenting….you’re trying to do something nice for the boys and it feels like pulling teeth. I guess I shouldn’t generalize, this is parenting in my house 😊

The knees have been bothering me for quite some time. I just had my eleven-year anniversary of microfracture surgery. At the time of surgery, we were told I would need another surgery within five years. The surgeon also told Brian I would never be the same. Well, he was wrong, I’ve done some awesome things in that time. Now, though, it’s to the point that I needed to go in and figure out the inevitable – do I need surgery in one or both. I saw the ortho this week and was basically like, let’s get this fixed. I can’t do as much. I have a lot of pain, etc. He showed me the x-rays and showed x-rays of what the shape of knees should look like and what mine look like. He showed me bone spurs. He showed me narrowing and explained a lot of holes. He said, he wished he could go in there and remove the spurs to help with the pain, but there is too much damage – that won’t help. There are no surgery options outside of me needing double knee replacement. I was reeling of course, and he could see this. He was good and read me well, saying he knows it’s hard for me to hear, that I like hiking and I was an athlete, but we have to start thinking about things differently. He told me he’s not going to tell me not to hike but I need to be aware of how much I do and realize I could hurt for days after. He told me to never do another squat or lunge and to never get on another treadmill. He gave me exercises day….) to strengthen the quads to help the knees out. He wants me to ice each side, 10-15 min, 8-10 times a day….. He gave me cortisone shots in each knee, saying he could do it 3x years. Essentially my knees are like worn out tires and it’s up to me use them how I want in the end but know I need to make concessions, etc. We talked about my weight, because I do know that each extra pound puts 4-5 pounds of extra pressure on the knees. I’m far from happy with my weight and that’s on me. He said, even if I weighed 100 pounds now, I would still need surgery, I would still have pain. Still, there are things to do to help me get as far as I can on these things. I was quite devastated – going into the appointment thinking I would get help that might take me out 6-12 weeks or so but would be better. It has been hard to wrap my head around it, and didn’t even discuss with friends until last night. I hiked 5 miles yesterday morning as well as today. I wanted to go more both days but the advice is ringing in my ears. I will not let this stop me from doing the things I love. Life is not promised. I will be smart but move forward and get the most out of this broken-down body…. He spoke a lot about being so young for this, same as they have for my neck. I know I need another neck surgery. The surgeon told me I need two and am just going on until I know it’s time. I’m okay but it’s daunting to know it will happen again. I currently do 4x 20 neck exercises every single morning and night. They say I need back surgery. I feel okay there most of the time but have seen the x-rays and MRIs. These are real issues and things I will one day need to address. For now, I count my blessings and thanked God this morning for the ability to hike, as well as so many other things in this life.

I’ve just yammered on and on about my knees, so I will keep this next part short. I write without shame. I’ve had too much shame in my life, and unjustified shame at that. I’m a human. A human who tries. A human with a good heart. I’ve written a lot about my struggles with my hormones with age. It can be completely debilitating. We were hoping I was far into menopause when I quit having a cycle on the pill. However, going off the pill made my cycle come back and every 24-25 days at that. Where the hell was that consistency all of those years of trying to get pregnant? The physical part of it is not great but better than the terrible issues I used to have. The mental is still there and it would go longer, so my Dr sent me to an OB (3 month wait) but he is considered the best. Her plan was for me to take the IUD and help control things that way. Unfortunately, the IUD could make my issues worse and I braced for what I knew was coming next – antidepressants. He explained a lot to me and I trust him. I tried the antidepressants when I was extremely ill with the potassium issue (without knowing what was causing my issues) but it just made things worse. I tried a while ago again and while it helped it had a terrible side affect of anxiety, so I quit taking just a few weeks in. I’m glad to say, this one is helping. It has helped to keep me more level. I had one bad day of sadness, the day my cycle hit, but I didn’t have it the week leading up or the entire time and even after. I am so grateful for this help. I do not tell you this in the embarrassment of taking something. I’ve never judged anyone for doing what they need to help themselves but for me, I’ve always held myself to a different standard – one undeserving of compassion and love. I thank God, that I don’t view myself in that light anymore.

Two or three years ago, I read the book, Love Languages. I highly suggest if you haven’t read or even just want to take the quiz. When doing my quiz, I could not separate how I showed my love versus what made me happiest in receiving love. I scored highest in gifts and services. I only thought about how doing those things for others brought me real joy. I was also at a point in my life, where I thought my only worth was to give – that I wasn’t worthy of receiving. I’ve done a lot of work on myself and as selfish as this sounds, I love receiving gifts and acts of service. Ha! I’ve especially come to know this during the COVID time as friends and family have reached out in the most thoughtful ways. I truly makes my heart smile. Look, it can be a card, anything. I love knowing I’m thought of. My friend hand made me some earrings and I got those a couple weeks ago and made my day. I think of her every time I wear them. Another friend brought me a water bottle with my initial, as a completely unnecessary thank you to something. I will always think of these people when I use them. We recently cleaned out the unfinished side of our basement. It had become a room that was just piled with stuff from the moves, etc. We went through every box. I finally went though my stuff in leaving my last job. There was an “mmmm chocolate” copy of something one friend taped to my desk one day as a private joke. There were two empty Tic Tac containers. There were other things, too. I’m far from a hoarder but couldn’t throw them away. It’s the little things that makes us feel loved sometimes, even when we think we are undeserving. My prayer for you is that you always feel that love in whatever love language touches you the most, or even the least. It’s all love.

It has been difficult lately as two the closest people in my life are going through the hardest and most painful times they’ve every experienced. It is difficult to know I can’t heal their pain or even make them feel better. All I can do is let them know I’m there for them and let them know how they loved they are. I know so many in this position right now. We all want to help people. We feel helpless. Have mercy on yourself.
 
I really hope this whole post didn’t feel like a downer. I have a great sense of peace about myself. I feel healthier, mentally, than I have in an awfully long time. I will get there physically as well, while still having compassion for the ways I’m using food to cope with this fucking pandemic.

Please, go out there and make the most of your day. It is ours to make what we want of it.

Much Love,
Jen

WTF 2020? I wasn’t sure how to start this post, but I figure this kinda sums up life for most of us.

I’ve been working from home the past four months or so. I’ve really enjoyed working from home. For the first time, I have an office with a window. It has been lovely watching the birds and people walk by with their dogs. I’m in a lot of meetings – far too many fucking meetings – and it has been great to turn the mic off while letting out frustration. Sometimes, I’ll just take the headphones off and do some laps in the house to cool down. Work has been insanely stressful. I think most who work in a manufacturing environment are feeling the heat. I’ve been lucky in that I haven’t been furloughed or received reduction in salary while most I know in mfg have taken some sort of hit, including layoffs. My department is completely dilapidated, so I pray there will be no changes to our work force. I’ve been working crazy, long hours. Working from home has helped, because I haven’t lost time with the commute or the craziness of putting on a bra or anything. It all does need to come to an end, though, as I do report to the office again on Mon.

Living through a pandemic certainly helps to put a lot of things into perspective. I haven’t enjoyed what I do for a long time. The current climate of where I’m working, is just not healthy. Not long ago, a former coworker of mine, opened her email and just thought – I can’t do this anymore and quit right there. The job was taking too much of a toll on her health. I was happy to hear she did this, as I knew what she was feeling and had been worried about her. There are days, that I too, feel like the job is not worth it. I’ve been saving money to give myself options. The thought of walking away from the most money I’ve ever made is scary, but what’s even scarier to me these days, is living through this intense stress every day. Even though, I realize I can’t live like this, I am being cautious – the job market is terrible now. Brian and I lived through having to completely rebuild from the ground up after the crash of 2008-10. The company Brian worked for and thought he’d retire from was essentially gone in the blink of any eye. There’s much to consider but I do know what’s most important in life – and it’s not the size of the paycheck.

The COVID crisis really did do a number on me for a couple of months. My anxiety level was through the roof. I ate and drank (meaning wine) everything in sight. All the changes I’d made to my diet were suddenly out the window. I work about eight feet from our pantry, which is also right next to the fridge. I’d get stressed and walk over and grab a couple cookies, repeat an hour later, and so on. I was grocery shopping without thought, buying Hostess products and all sorts of shit that should never enter the house. I cooked up a storm, without regard for health, using butter nearly daily. Our whole house was really hunkered down. Brian and I would only go shopping every few weeks (and buy enough for two months with every trip) as to limit exposure to the outside world. I’m not sure how I would have reacted, had Caleb not been so sick a month or two before the world went crazy. He scared me to death. He couldn’t shake the fever and was so weak. He would get these terrible bloody noses and I was cleaning blood off his bedroom wall and the bathroom. When he was younger, he had a terrible immune system. Seeing him this sick, worries me that he still may not have a great immune system, so the thought of bringing COVID home to him – scared/s the shit out of me. Who the hell knows, though, maybe he had it then. I’d been sick with what I thought were terrible allergies for six weeks or more, with terrible fatigue and lost sense of taste and smell for quite a while, even after getting better. I thought maybe it was an allergic reaction to CBD oil, so I quit taking that, but it didn’t make a difference in how I was feeling. But we are just like many, who think maybe we had it but probably didn’t. I just know, I don’t want to see my kids get that sick or for them to see their parents (who both have high blood pressure) go through it.
Thankfully, the awful anxiety about COVID did wear off and I began to leave the house. At one point, I remember I had not been in my car in nearly a month. I went for a drive and it was like the weight was lifted from my shoulders. I also started seeing my therapist again. Simply being in a room with someone outside my house was a big step. I did wear a mask for a while but have not for the last couple of visits. Presently, I’m the only patient she sees in person, which helps to put my mind at ease. I know some reading this will think I’m crazy – but we are all different and hope that you pause before casting judgment or thinking of it in a political sense. This is my truth. I have not handled it well, but I am getting much, much better.

Once, I was able to stop and breathe, I really focused on the things I thought would bring me peace and happiness. I bought my first hummingbird feeder and that is probably the best $20 I’ve ever spent. I started listening to new music again. Through this, I have been lucky to have lots of Zoom happy hours with different friends. There are three of us who have spoken nearly every Friday night since this started, including for over three hours last night. These friendships have been so good for the soul. More than anything, we laugh, but there are the occasional tears. We can talk through anything. I learned about “Flawless” from them, and it is my second favorite $20 ever spent. It’s a facial hair remover and it’s a lifesaver. I also got one for the eyebrows as couldn’t wax for so long.

Through this time, I have tried to do things that just made my soul feel good. I’ve always tried to be someone who did those types of things but COVID has made me a more generous person. My friends have also been generous in so many ways. I’ll randomly get gifts in the mail from people who are thinking of me, and I’m always beyond grateful. A few people have given us masks, including a work contact from China who was upset we didn’t have any at the beginning of things (when we were told didn’t need masks). This kid sent us two packages of masks from China. Another friend ordered me one that she thought was fitting (Ninja warrior 😊, while a close friend’s mom made our family masks. This will always stay with me. Her husband is battling terminal brain cancer, and she took the time and effort into wanting to know were taken care of. Just thinking of her act of kindness, makes me tear up.

In thinking of what makes me feel good, I also started following through with things I should have always been doing. For the past few months, I have made sure to do all of my neck exercises every single morning and night. I have always been notoriously lazy when it came to brushing my teeth at night. I would go in stretches of being better about it but now I haven’t missed a night in months. I’ve also made it a point to make my bed every day. It is so simple but makes me feel good – should’ve been doing this all along. Anyway, the COVID situation had made me put a lot of thought into the things/people that make me happy.

Brian and I celebrated 28 years together and 25 years of marriage last month. Celebrating during a pandemic looked a lot different than it normally would, but we had a nice night. We took a drive and got takeout from our favorite restaurant and ate it on the river. I am really proud of our marriage. As anyone who is married knows, marriage is not easy. Sometimes it feels like the easiest thing on earth while other stretches, it feels like it’s not simply not feasible. We have been through a lot but I’m lucky to be married to someone who loves me the way he does. We have doing quite well, which is quite an accomplishment for two people who have been around each other pretty much 24/7 for several months.

Our youngest got his drivers license this week, which freaks me out to no end. I am so proud of him. COVID had been especially hard on him as he did not see any of his friends for months. He has recently started relaxing more and will hang out with friends outdoors. He is doing well as is Ryne. Ryne is super social and had been home for a couple of months before we let him have a couple friends over (outside) to socially distance while celebrating his 19th birthday. We knew this would open the floodgates and it did. He now spends nearly every day with friends (he has a tight group of five or so). They are cautious and I’m proud of how well he handles all of this.

I have really been into hiking again, which has felt so good. The parks were all closed for a couple months, but once they opened, it was great to get back out there. It was also the beginning of seeing friends. I have hiked with some friends and have also had some drinks and meals with friends on our deck or on theirs. Being around people has been huge for my mental health. I’m not nearly as social as I once was, but I do truly treasure spending time with my friends – these days. I did bite it a few weeks ago when hiking. I felt a giant sneeze coming on and was freaked out about it getting on my friend, who was walking behind me, and of course was clenching trying not to piss my pants. Amid sneezing into my elbow, I caught a root with my foot and next thing I knew was on the ground. Lots of parts of my body were sore but my knee felt it the worst. I was limping and think that is what ended up throwing my back out. I haven’t hiked since as have been heeling but I did start walking couple miles this week and plan to try small hiking tomorrow and hope the back/knee hold up.

I’m not much of a t.v. binge watcher, but the COVID days have allowed me to watch Dead to Me, Upload, and the movie Wine Country. All of which I give super big thumbs up. I felt so hip with the binge watching.

I know people who have gotten terribly ill with COVID and have a friend and a relative who have each lost someone (both in their late twenties) to the virus. The virus not only affects those who are sick and their loved ones, it touches anyone who is going through any other medical issues. There is no more of a helpless feeling than to have a love one in the hospital and you’re not able to travel or go to the hospital (as no visitors are allowed) or to even be there for your other loved ones as you can’t be near them after travel. Picturing those in the hospital – alone and scared is gut wrenching. We are not the only ones that have gone through this. So many close to me have experiences losses or have had family that had babies and cannot be there. It’s a cruel time all over the world. I pray every morning and night for the end to this damn thing.

I’ve talked about a lot of things, including the terrible anxiety I had in the beginning of all of this. I’m really happy to say, that I’m in a great place now. I’ve gotten my eating habits back in the healthy zone and have taken off some of the fifteen pounds I gained between Costa Rica and the virus months. I really do have a peace about me and am so glad to see the family doing well, also.

I hope this entry has found you well. I know we all are dealing with this in our own ways, some are not at all changed by the threat of the virus while some I know still won’t leave the house. Whatever side of the spectrum you fall on, I wish the best for you. Please take good care of your mental and physical health. Also, I hope this time, has also given us a lot of pause for thought on what is most important in this life.
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-Oh, you must know this song.
Much Love,
Jen

Good morning and happy Saturday! I’m hoping this post finds you healthy and well. To me, this has felt like the longest week ever, and I can’t even imagine what those working in the health care system, and so many other essential positions are feeling. I last wrote three weeks ago. At that time, I made the conscious decision to not write about the virus. Truth be told, it had been stressing me out for a while. I have daily communication with colleagues and suppliers in China, and their well-being had weighed heavily on me. The people I work with are always respectful and polite but rarely do they talk about personal matters. In this situation, however, they were always sure to let me know if they and their families were safe but always very clear about the seriousness of the matter. The virus was just starting to move globally when it was time for my sister’s wedding. If it weren’t her wedding, I would not have traveled to Costa Rica. I would have canceled any other trip, due to concerns of international travel. Thankfully, we all did go (and were safe) and it could not have been more meaningful to be able to see my family before all of this really started here in the states.

Since the virus has hit the states, I have really heard the most compassionate pleas of safety from those I work with in China. They reached out immediately with tips and an emphasis on how seriously to take all of this. Thankfully, they are starting to come out of this, and just now – some are now being allowed to travel home. Many have been stuck in Wuhan. The plants are still far from running at full capacity. This is a lot to come back from.

Two weeks ago today, a cousin (on my mom’s side) reached out to some of us with her pleas of taking the virus seriously. She had lost a cousin (from her dad’s side) that morning from the virus. Her cousin was 30 years old with no underlying conditions. So, yes, we have been taking this seriously in this house.

The boys have been out of school for two weeks (since the Gov made the decision to close them). I’ve been working from home for the past two weeks, which is a big relief. I’m so thankful to have this option. Our formal dining room, now has my full set up of laptop, two screens, etc.  I enjoy working from home and feel like I am much more productive than being in the office. We still have Skype meetings, but there are much fewer meetings, and more time to get actual work done. Work itself, is incredibly stressful. I work mostly with the U.K. and China. The U.K. is hit hard right now, too, and I have some suppliers that are shut down and others are affected by their supply chains. For the most time, here in the U.S., most of my suppliers are running, although at lower capacity. I’m only aware of one that is shut down. The company I work for is deemed “essential,” but not for every product. So, we do have some employees that are not able to work during this time. I feel lucky to have a job, even in this very stressful climate. I’m confident I’ll have a job, as long as our doors are open, but of course, I have concerns about the company – just as probably most who work in manufacturing do. Every day, I remind myself how lucky I am, and for the first time in my career – I have an office with a window, and I truly appreciate being able to see people walking their dogs and other signs of normalcy in such a stressful time. Brian is still working, but he does have to go into the office. They have experimented with having them work from home, but they need the equipment that’s in their building. I hate that he works in Chicago, where the numbers are exploding, but he is often the only person in the office. So, he uses precautions in the interactions he does have, using the elevator, etc. I feel so lucky that, we as a family, are all on the same page in how seriously we approaching all of this.

Before everything broke here in the states, Cal had influenza B. He was so ill. It was truly scary. He was getting nose bleeds, so I was cleaning blood off his bedroom walls and the bathroom wall daily. During this time, I kept thinking about my colleagues in China and not being able to comprehend what some of them were going through and having to watch those you love be so sick. Now, of course, it is in the states. A friend is now on day 7 of waiting for the results of the test for her daughter, who had been so ill. It took until day 11 of being sick, for her to be able to get her tested. Thankfully, she is recovering, but their family is still separated (other kids going to stay with their father until they knew was safe). My good friend that I do WW with, has a close friend, who lost her 29 year old daughter this week to the virus. This girl had no underlying issues. It has been tearing my friend apart. I just feel for so many people during this horrible time.

I’m sorry for rambling, but I often get things out in writing. I’m not writing to cause panic or talk about politics. I’m writing to get things out that have been swimming in my head. I just truly want people to take it seriously. We have the power to stop this thing.

The last couple of years, I know I’ve changed as a person. Things happened in life, that made me put up every protective layer. For the most part, I quit doing the types of things I had done for others. I hated that I let a situation change me like that, but really, a change in that way needed to happen to some extent anyway. In recent months, I had become more open and giving of myself. With all that’s been happening in the world, my defenses are all down. I’m doing things that make my soul feel good. My hope is that I come out of this period of time, a much better person than when I went in. I hope that we all do. My soul feels good and I’m grateful.

I know this post has been quite dark, but we do have a really bright spot in our family – as my niece is expecting her first baby. This is the first baby from a niece or nephew on my side of the family. Jaynee told me on my birthday, and it was the most wonderful gift – hearing how happy she is. I’m not sure how traveling will be working but hopefully our plans for the 4th of July will still be on, and I can feel that baby bump.

I was able to have a nice, long conversation with a forever friend yesterday, and I told her I’ve been drinking more wine lately and was burned out and had to buy beer. I can’t even remember the last time I bought beer for myself. She laughed and said she was getting sick of vodka and had to buy wine. I laugh even thinking of that conversation. We are all dealing with things in our own way. I was also blessed enough to talk to my aunt Clara yesterday who had just returned home to Alaska after being out of state. She is now in a 2 week quarantine, and I died laughing when she told me about insisting she ride in the back of my uncle’s truck to get a ride home from airport. I can just picture her back there. She is just the best. I also had a skype call with another friend last night and we had our own version of happy hour. It was so fun, but also….dear God….the angle was not good from my phone. It’s a good thing I’ve come a long way in my self-image, or I might be scarred. I was actually supposed to be at a concert last night and am really just thinking of that. So far, I’ve had an event and two concerts postponed, and a canceled trip for my cousin’s wedding. I feel for my cousin as they had to make the decision to cancel the wedding, but they are still getting married – just without having everyone around. She’s truly happy and am truly delighted for her and their future.

I’m a slow typer…especially post neck issues, but I have text messages from a few friends, just as I’ve been working on this. I’m grateful for all of the love and the love I have for myself. Rejoining the land of the living was a really slow process, but I’m thankful to be present and accepting of all the good and love. My prayer is that we all feel it. My continued prayers for all of you and our good health and happiness.

Much Love,
Jen
I'll leave you with a song I just find so beautiful. Hope you enjoy.

Happy Sunday! Losing an hour is always a tough pill to swallow. For me, it won’t really hit until tomorrow and then I’ll bitch all week about how it’s really only blah, blah, blah time.

I turned 48 a couple of weeks ago. It’s really hard to wrap my head around. It simply doesn’t seem possible. Some years I get freaked out about aging, but this year I really didn’t give it much thought. Life has just been so busy, I didn’t think much about my birthday at all. I usually have plans lined up and some plan of mental attack of dealing with it, but this year I was more focusses on travelling for my sister’s wedding the following week. It was a nice day, though. It’s always great to hear from friends and family. I received some thoughtful messages, cards, and gifts. The celebration continued into the vacation where my friend treated me to an estuary excursion and returned home to a sweet card that had been lost in the postal system. In all, I feel blessed to still be on this earth and have so much love around me.

My baby sister got married last weekend in Costa Rica. I had never traveled out of the country by myself, and I had some serious anxiety about it all. This wasn’t helped by a storm that was supposed to hit the area the night before I traveled. I had to cancel my trip out of Chicago and had to fly out of Milwaukee. Luck was on my side, though, as a friend was changing her travel plans (to FL) because of weather also. We got a room the night before in Milwaukee and it was so nice catching up with her during the drive/stay. The flights were quite rough and ended up getting in late as they had to change flight patterns. Once we arrived I was so relieved that most signs also were in English. We had been warned not to take taxi and best for private transportation, so I had arranged for my own driver. It was exciting to see someone out there holding a sign with my name. I’m not a fancy person, but I felt fancy. The feeling continued once arriving at the resort. It was stunning. I was rooming with a friend who wasn’t due in until later that night, but luckily, I ran into friends and family right away. From the start, I was at my most comfortable – even in another country. It has always been hard for me being so far away from everyone, but I’m grateful that it’s as if no time has passed whenever we meet up. A large group of us had breakfast, early in the trip, and I appreciated the moment for all that it was. I felt complete.

My lifelong friend Caity and I roomed together. It made the experience all the more better. We just have an ease around one another and a trust that has been built over our entire lives. We have traveled together before, so we knew we would mesh well. We had a family of monkeys that was living in the tree outside our patio and had the best time just watching them. 50 people came for the wedding and most of us stayed at this same resort. A lot of time was spent by all in the pools up by our room. There were 2 swim up bars. It was 90-95 every day we were there, so the pool was heavenly. I did do some exercises each day in the pool, as I knew I was consuming a shit ton of calories. I knew how bad those pina coladas were for me, but it didn’t stop me from drinking then 😉 There were a lot of family meals and adventures. Zip-lining in Costa Rica had been on my bucket list for years (I even have a couple doing it on their honeymoon in my book). I was freaked out in the beginning as it was hella windy and you had to use your hands to hold on to one line and the other for the brake. My hands don’t always work well, and I don’t trust them, but I got over my phobia about it on the first run and had an absolute blast! The experience was made better by doing it with my sister Nealy’s family. They are some of my favorite people.

My weight is not where I’d like it. I’ve still got quite a ways to go in my journey. It was on my mind before the trip, but as always, being around close family and friends – I just forgot about it. In the craziness of canceling/booking new flight and having to leave my house earlier – I forgot to pack my swimsuit. A new friend that I met on the trip, offered up a 2 pc suit to borrow. I was like…fuck no….but she was so encouraging and I’m so happy she let me wear it. I felt so free. I was one of the biggest people there, but I didn’t even think about it. I just enjoyed it all. Nealy had given me a dress for my birthday (for the wedding). It was sleeveless and I brought a sweater to cover my arms. My army are super flabby. My neck has really limited what exercises I can do with my arms. I’m really aware of how fatty they are. By the night of the wedding, wearing the sweater wasn’t even an option. I was completely comfortable in my own skin during the whole trip.

The wedding was absolutely stunning. Brooke is the most beautiful bride I’ve ever seen. A wedding at the ocean, during the sunset….perfect. Brooke is so happy and it just made something so wonderful – even better. The whole night was a pure celebration of love, not only between Brooke and Tony but for all of us in attendance, love and appreciation for each other. We danced the night away and I can still hear the laughter from it all. It was just a magical night.

As much as I love the trip and should’ve stayed longer, it was nice to get home to Brian and the boys. I really wish they could’ve experienced it all with me. As much as I cherish adventure, I thrive on routine. I was exhausted this week and thought it was from the trip but woke up in the middle of the night Wed, to a cycle that decided to wallop me. I had some emotional moments last week, and thought it was from leaving my family but I think it was mostly the dang hormones. I’m so lucky it didn’t hit while I was on my trip. I didn’t eat all that terrible on the trip (with a few exceptions). I ate a ton of fresh fruit every morning. I was mindful but also knew I was taking in thousands of calories in alcohol. Also, when you’re eating out 3 meals a day, it’s always worse than one thinks. I had prepared to pull it together when I got home but the period got the best of me. The night I usually eat my baked potato with broccoli and cauliflower, I had a double butter burger with cheese and fries… Still, I pat myself on the back for staying away from soda (since Nov). I was up over 5 pounds over those 2 weeks, but I’m okay with that. In my life, I’ve never been close to being okay with a gain. I know I’ll work it off. I was good with food choices yesterday and also hiked. Today I’ll do the same. I’m so grateful to be in a healthy head space when it comes to the scale. It has taken me a lifetime to get here, but for now, I’m here. Thank God.

My prayers have been quite full for a while now. They are not only full of gratitude for the love and good health in my life, but for so many I’m close to, along with loved ones of close people to my life who have been going through some serious health issues. I’m not close to many people at work. I just kinda do my thing. I get along with people, but I’ve treated this job much differently than anywhere else I’ve worked. In saying that, there are a few people, including Toy, our receptionist (I’ve mentioned her on here before – the most genuine soul I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing). She had some serious issues in November, and did try to return to work for a short while but it is out again. One of the closest people in my life, also came to work where I am and has been going through his own serious health issues. He has also been out for a while and am not sure if he’ll be able to return. Another man, Barry had been in my prayers for many months. Barry is a corporate manager and not in our location. I haven’t worked directly him that many times, but I’ve always really liked and respected him. He’s so damn smart. I’d heavily considered going to work for his department and felt so privileged that he thought highly enough of me to want me on his team. Barry was released back to work after beating lung cancer. At the end of summer, he was out here and we had great all-day meeting and group of us went to nice dinner that evening. Barry was sitting across from me and we talked wine, food, etc. I was so happy he was back and well. He ended up flying back to NC in the middle of that night as intense pain had started in his back. From there, he’d been to hell and back and eventually finding another tumor. It was removed and after spending couple months in hospital/rehab (the tumor had taken away his ability to walk). He was released a few weeks ago and we were all hopeful for full recovery. Pneumonia set in immediately and he passed away a couple of weeks ago. Barry was the direct boss to the person I’m closest to at work and I felt so badly for him and all Barry and his family had been through. I was crying when I found out and as if she knew (although I had not told her anything about Barry), the bff text to say hi and check in. I told her what happened and she said, WTF is happening all around you? She’s right – I’ve only mentioned work friends. It has been much more than this. It has been a lot to carry and there are moments I’ve totally broken down in feeling helpless to help them. My prayers have never been so full. Still, some prayers have been answered for some and hope is there for others. I’m so grateful in that I have only had smaller moments of depression in the last several months. It’s controlled through luck, diet, therapy, dialogue, on and on. I’m always vigilant in working on my mental health. When I feel myself going down, I fight – knowing how lucky I am. I thank God every single day. I know what so many are going through, and my life is incredibly blessed.
I know this post was all over the place, but that’s life – for all of us.

Here’s wishing you a wonderful Sunday and awesome week. We all have so much to be thankful for.
~Jen
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Here’s the new Dixie Chicks single. They have always been one of my favorite bands, and I can’t wait for May 1 when this new album drops. My therapist introduced me to the term, “gaslighting,” a while ago. I know we’ve all experienced being gaslighted at some time or another. Enjoy. 

Happy Superbowl Sunday! I’ve had an early start to the day, but I still have a lot to do. Why not write and procrastinate? Brian always watched the game with his grandfather. When his grandfather passed away, we would still go to his grandmother’s house and watch the game with his family. Since living out here, we usually just do something at home. Another family often joins us, as they are today. I’m keeping it simple this year. It has been increasingly hard for me to be around food that isn’t good for me. I go in spurts, where I don’t even notice it, but now, it calls to me. In large part, if it’s out of sight, it’s out of mind. When the fam leaves sweets, chips, etc out on the counter – I have to quickly put it away. During the holidays, I was snacking on whatever was left out and it slowed my progress. If I’m going to have an off-week, I want it to be because I chose to indulge in things I love – not snacking on shit. Today is a good mix of healthy-ish and fattening food. My plan is to eat mostly the healthy stuff and take tastes of the other. I know my choice have consequences. Today is no different than any other day, I guess. It’s all about the choices we make. I’ve worked hard on making this journey something that is going to stick for the rest of my life. I allow myself to be human and have come an awful long way in having compassion for myself. This morning, I’ve given a lot of thought to the weight I gained after losing so much. I’m no longer beating myself up for it. My heart breaks for the girl who thought that coping through food and alcohol was the only real choice. And yes….I still do that to a certain extent, but I’m aware of it all. Those choices are by far the minority. Each day, I put real thought into what choices I’m going to make.

Work has been hella stressful. I’ve been working a lot of hours and it’s often hard to shut off my mind. We’ve long been short-handed and this past month we also lost a coworker to medical issues. What my coworker/friend has been going through had been really weighing on me, and I’m glad he’s off for a while so he can take care of things. So, I am thankful that he’s out, and we will manage the way a department always does when you’re short-handed. At the same time as all of this, there has been a lot of changes made at the company I work for. We have a shit ton of chiefs but not enough Indians (hey, I can say that because as Brian says – I’m the feather kind of Indian, not the dot kind – yes, he’s all mine folks 😉 I don’t want to bail on my shrinking department but just started exploring different opportunities. I had two interviews with different companies this week. One position isn’t for me, but the other one would be a strong consideration. I think the interview went really well and expect to hear something within the next few days. It would be about a 10 min longer drive – taking me back to the city I used to work in, but I actually really like that city. I’m down there every 2-3 weeks anyway it seems, as my head therapist and massage therapist are both there – plus it’s an easy meeting point for my friends and I (since I live in BFE). My fingers are crossed for an offer – would give me a lot to consider.

I’ve been trying to focus on the eating I’m doing right and not give to much weight to the fact that I could be doing better than I am. My food choices are so much better than before. I think of every single thing that goes into my mouth – even when making the unhealthy choices. Awareness and accountability have always been key for me. I quit drinking soda in Mid-November. That was difficult and some days – still is – I mean….I dreamed last night that I drank a Diet Coke. Yes, my issues run really fucking deep. I still drink wine but am much more mindful when I do and what’s driving my desire to drink (like…even just typing this thinking of how much I love wine). I don’t drink at home very often anymore. A couple weeks ago a friend was over and we just chatted for a few hours – and didn’t drink. For me, that was big. I’m still unsure of today during the game, but I don’t think I’ll drink then, either.

The area I’m really lacking is exercise. There is still some fear to it as it seems like I end up at p/t whenever I get back into it, but mostly it’s my lame excuses. I am busy between work, appointments, swim (meets 3x week – half are out of town), blah, blah, blah….but I have some mental block on it. My hope is to get out to walk 5x this week as the schedule is much lighter and it takes some of my excuses away.

I’m down 39.2 pounds as of yesterday. I’m really proud of this. After new years, I started running a Biggest Winners group for weight loss. My numbers are not near what so many do. I didn’t offer to do it, because I thought I’d win anything, I did it because I truly want everyone to be successful in being healthier. I’m human and seeing such big numbers from people I sometimes feel inadequate but also know that they are working really hard for their achievements and quickly think of how far I’ve come and will continue to go. Comparison in anything is really unhealthy, and I’m glad that I’ve come a long way in this. We all have our own journey and need to focus on ourselves.
I just wanted to check in and let you know that things are good. In fact, this week, the Dr allowed me to cut a BP med in half. For me, this is bigger than anything the scale might show.
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Here’s to good health. Thanks for reading.
 
Jen

2019 was quite the year. I’ve been thinking a lot about it, and I can’t decide if it was the longest year ever or if I blinked and it was over. One thing I know for sure, the year brought me more personal growth than any other.

I began the year full of anger I'd been holding onto. This isn’t something I admit easily. I’ve gone most of my life not knowing anger. I would hear people talk about anger, hatred, and think – holy shit, they need to let that stuff go. Life’s too short for that crap. I’d never been able to connect with angry songs. When bad things would happen in my life, I’d always blame myself or make excuses for others. I honestly never really even sat and thought about forgiveness. It was just something I did without thought. At some point, I began to see myself as a puppet. Like I would visually see myself reacting to pulls of the string (in the way I thought people wanted me to). If I didn’t visualize this, I saw myself balled up in a corner with hands over face, protecting myself. I felt this way for quite some time. I slowly began to cut the strings on the puppet and worked on changing how I saw myself. I was making progress and one day, a lot of things just came crashing down. It wasn’t one thing. It was so many. I was so mad at myself for a lot of reasons. I was also pissed at accepting mis-treatment, dishonesty, gaslighting, on and on. I hated having anger. It is not a good look on me. I tried to release it. I didn’t want it. I tried to force forgiveness but learned it can’t be forced. If it’s not earned, it just takes time. I’m thankful for the work I did on myself and for time. I retreated from nearly everyone: trusting nobody. I believed I couldn’t truly be loved and working through this has been a work in progress. I’ve worked a lot more on me this last year, than I ever had. I’ve always lived me life through empathy, putting others in front of myself. Through a myriad of things (illness, surgery, disappointment, etc), I’ve realized we really just have ourselves. Nobody else can truly understand what it means to walk in our shoes. Nobody feels our joy, our pain, just us. I need to take care of me. I need to put myself first. The year may have started with anger – and bled into a lot of the year – but I’m grateful to have a lot of that gone. I will never give others the power to destroy me again. I realize my worth. I truly do. I’m deserving of being treated well. I no longer identify with the puppet – who had a voice that wouldn’t be heard. I feel sad when I see her. Thankfully in 2019 I never saw myself as the girl who needed to cover up in the corner, but it took a lot of the year to continue to heal from the things that led me there.

No matter what is going on, life continues to go on around us. I continued to work and ended up going to England and Ireland to visit suppliers. I had never been out of North America. Even though it was travel for work, I was able to experience so much. I loved it and can’t wait to see more. Around the same time, the bff and I met up in Arizona to visit and see spring training games. We have traveled a lot together, and it is always wonderful – but this was truly one of my favorite trips. The year brought more travel, when Brian and I went to Alaska for my mom’s wedding reception. It was a fairly last minute trip, but I am so glad we were able to go. My mom married her high school boyfriend (they had dated 50 years ago), and to see them find love with each other, was magical. I love seeing her so happy.

In the early months of 2019, I was still recovering from the cervical fusion. I really felt like I would never get there, but my neck finally started to turn better and had some good months before starting to have issues with dropping things and hands shaking. I was terrified that I needed more surgery, but thank God, I was diagnosed with thoracic outlet syndrome which is largely treated with physical therapy. I did p/t for the past 4 months or so, and in the last 6 weeks – started to see the biggest improvements. It was so defeating, month after month, to be evaluated and hear I needed more p/t. As of the end of the year, I’m 75% of where my p/t would like to see me. Even though I’m not all the way there, I’ve come a really long way. Because it’s the new year (and new deductible), I’ve decided to take a break from it. I will continue to do home exercises. Before I get out of bed every morning and before sleep, I do 4x20 different neck exercises. This will just be something I always have to do. I’m also working on strength. There has been some improvement, which was really exciting. I went from not using any weight on specific exercises to 2 pounds, to using 5 pounds on one of them. It doesn’t sound like much, but in my world – it is huge. I’m really encouraged by where my neck is at this point in time.

Ryne graduated high school this year. My mom was able to come out for graduation, which was so nice. Having my son graduate, hit me hard. It’s hard to wrap my head around my baby boy being 18. We are lucky to still have him home, as he’s attending a local community college. He make us really proud. Caleb just turned 16…like…how? It’s true, when they say – don’t blink. He’s been thriving with school and swim. Just yesterday, his coach made a point to stop me and talk about how well he did at the meet. Brian continues to love what he does for a living. I’m happy that he gets to spend his days doing something he enjoys. He’s also been working out for the past several months and I’m proud of him. I’m proud to be his wife. He’s a good man and father.

In May, I’ll have been with this current company for 2 years. I still do miss the people I used to work with. I heard from one of the guys on Christmas, and it made me so happy. I still care about all those people. I do not have the same connection where I’m at now, but I also won’t allow the closeness that came with the previous job. One of my old coworkers does work with me now, and he and I will always be close. I also have one other close relationship from work, but other than that, I just put my head down and do my job. In this past year, I’d given a lot of thought about living up to my true potential. I’ve never wanted to be in management and started to second guess that decision, wondering if it was the low self-esteem that I’d had for most of my life holding me back. When the opportunity for advancement came up here, without hesitation, I was like fuck no…..declining to interview. At least I know, without hesitation, that I’ve made the right decisions over the years in just doing what I do. I’m well respected and that feels great. Even with all of that, I know in my heart of hearts, I need to make a living doing something I love. I don’t love what I do. I also have bills – and these last months have been brutal with very large, unexpected expenses. Once things settle down, though, I owe it to myself to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. If I’ve learned anything in these last couple of years – it’s that life is too short to spend my precious time faking my way through the day.

Speaking of life being precious, on 9/14/19 I started Weight Watchers. I made the choice to start taking care of myself after the sudden death of my cousin. Troy’s death was not weight related, but it made me think about all of the love in this world and our family and friends who love us. I had been hurting over a lot things for too long. I let it steal my joy. It was stealing my life through my mental and physical health. I gained….okay….like going to say it here….75 pounds since starting to become ill 2 years earlier. I felt shame for this for a long time, but I know all of the things I went through in those two years. I wish I dealt with it all through healthier measures, but I didn’t. I’m lucky that I did not gain all of the weight I had lost, back. I joined WW, as it was the least expensive way for me to weigh in, in front of someone every week. The program works, as do most programs that make you aware and accountable of what you eat and drink. I’ve followed it in a healthy way, although I certainly haven’t been perfect. December was tough with the hormones (Dr has taken me off the pill, so it’s like the Wild, Wild, West up in my body and head sometimes). I was on steroids after getting a root canal, blah, blah, blah. I’ve had a weight gain of .4 and .8 along the way, but overall I am down 31 ½ pounds. I’m proud of my efforts. I feel so much better than I did just those few short months ago. I have a long way to go, but I can’t think of it that way. I take it one week at a time. The scale has really slowed down this past 7 weeks, but I thank God that the scale has a lesser hold on me than it used to. I know my efforts and take accountability where needed. For a long time, I let the scale define me. It no longer does. Now, it’s just an annoying bitch I have to face every week. Ha. Look, that’s progress in my world.

2019 was full of a lot of good and bad, but I am so grateful for it. I’m grateful for the love and support. I’m grateful for finding the love within myself that had been missing. I was off work from 12/23-1/1. It was such a nice way to end the year. Everyone in my household was off school/work, so we were able to spend a lot of quality time together. I spend time with good friends. There was a lot of healthy reflection. I’m so grateful for 2019.

2020 (outside of the NYD hangover 😉 has started out good. I’ve been eating well, and I’m looking forward to continuing to increase my physical activity. I’m excited for Brian, who is going to visit his brother and his family, this coming weekend. My baby sister gets married in Costa Rica at the end of next month. I’m so looking forward to seeing her marry her true love and seeing my family and some good friends. My cousin is getting married over Memorial Day, outside of Portland, OR. I’m really hoping to get there to see her special day and more family. In July, we will have my 30 year class reunion (like seriously….how in the fuck are we that old?). Brian and I are going to Alaska for that, and it is always a wonderful time to go home and see friends and family. I’m excited to see the boys continue to grow and shape their lives this year. Brian and I are doing well and will be celebrating out 25th wedding anniversary in June (28 years together). I look forward to this year and discovering myself even more – and continuing to grow more comfortable in my own skin. Happy New Year everyone. Thanks for reading.
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~Jen

Did you use that extra hour to get some more sleep? Yeah, me neither. I do love getting more time to be lazy in the mornings, though. I’ve been awake since 2:40 as my Fitbit app says. Brian is sick, so I slept on the couch. I really should not have been so lazy and went downstairs and changed out the bedding and slept on a real bed last night. I’ll know better for tonight. This body is not made for sleeping on a couch.

I learned a valuable lesson with the last blog: I should never, ever write on the heels of my cycle. This one kicked my ass. The mental stuff that happens with it is brutal. I got lucky with the last one, as it was more mild, and I thought – hey, maybe the menopause thing (or whatever hormonal stuff) is getting better. Not so much as far as most of the symptoms this time around. Thankfully that’s over and things are going back to normal. I used to feel so crazy with it, and other things in life. I have not felt crazy in quite some time now. It’s funny how distance and observance of things can be so enlightening. In saying this, when the cycle hits (every 3 months), I’m aware of what’s driving it. Anyway, as my hormonal self thought I would – I did not end up eating a cow. I did, however, have a big bite of my son’s burger that next night.

I bitched a lot in the last blog about how hard “dieting” is. Outside of the hormones, I don’t really feel this way. It has made big changes in my life, though. I have to think everything – what is and isn’t worth it. This has all been a big shift, as I went from significant gaining mode to weight loss. There’s a large difference in the last year and a half to what it is has been this last 7 weeks. I’m much more successful when I have everything planned for the day. If I don’t, I usually put myself in a situation where I’m overly hungry. Being hungry is just a part of it, when you go from taking in so many calories to limiting the daily intake. Previously in losing weight, I ate much more than I do now. I’ll always love to eat. So, I’ll work on eating more of the right things instead of paying the heavy price for small cheats. I am proud of most of my choices, though. I was down 1 pound 4 oz this week. I was worried, coming out of the cycle (and maybe still being on it a bit (at least with cramping) – at least that’s how it feels -but um….how to put this….I have only spotted a trace amount. Even without all of this, I’m down a pound – where I had been in weight gaining mode for so long – had I not started this journey, I could have easily been up. Going back to the planning bit, I did not plan my dinner Friday night. Brian and Cal got pizza, and I ate some even though it’s not my favorite thing. It felt heavy and not worth it. Thankfully I only had to dip into my extra points a little bit (I had saved most of them for Saturday, as we had a lot of plans (but didn’t end up making it to party or hockey game with Brian’s illness). So, I consciously ate 3 slices of pizza the night before a weigh in. I normally eat super smart before weighing in, but I chalked this up to being real life and a Friday night. Here’s the thing, I was 4 oz shy of 20 pound weight loss on Saturday morning. Had I not had pizza for dinner, I’m sure I would’ve hit 20 pounds. There is something great that came out of this – I was a bit disappointed to not hit it, but it didn’t bring me down. I didn’t bitch to anyone about it. The scale is having less and less of a hold on me. I feel so much better with my change in diet. My knees feel better, I don’t ever have heart burn anymore, I’m starting to have more energy (even without sleeping well or doing much exercise). The change in diet is a gift – a gift I gave to myself. Nobody else can do this for me. It feels like an accomplishment. I’m not looking for any easy way out. I’m looking to be my best self, and this is a big part of it.

Hard transition time-

We live in a small community. We chose this particular town for the school system. The town is mostly people who grew up here and never left, and those who came here, just like we did, in search of the best public school system in the area. Our little community was totally rocked this week, when a high school senior, who was well-liked, took his own life. I know his parents but not well. I’m FB friends with his mom, so you see these kids grow up. Our boys knew him. I’m close to a lot of people who are close to the family. The devastation throughout the school (kids and staff alike) and the whole community is deep and far reaching. He was a football player and it was first round of playoffs was yesterday. The senior boys brought his jersey out with them as a team captain before the game. One senior broke down in the end zone after scoring. There was so much emotion at every turn. I can’t get on FB without breaking down in tears. So many are affected and it’s such a tragedy in every way. Our kids face so much more than we realize.  I was kind of blindsided a few months ago with something with one of our own boys. I felt such guilt for not knowing what he was going through. That situation has changed the way I parent. I’ve worked hard on building on it. What happened this week has driven more conversation with the boys, and it’s not easy – we are the parents – there’s eye rolls, there’s downplaying their own situations, but we have to be annoying. As Caden’s mother said yesterday in a post: Hug your kids tighter. Ask them if they are okay…and ask them again in an hour. And then again tomorrow.
I haven’t really known what to write about this but knew it had to be written about.

We all have moments of feeling alone. We all do. Please know, you are never truly alone. In our hardest moments, it’s hard to see or feel the love people have for us. My prayer, is that you always know how loved you are.
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~Jen