I learned a valuable lesson with the last blog: I should never, ever write on the heels of my cycle. This one kicked my ass. The mental stuff that happens with it is brutal. I got lucky with the last one, as it was more mild, and I thought – hey, maybe the menopause thing (or whatever hormonal stuff) is getting better. Not so much as far as most of the symptoms this time around. Thankfully that’s over and things are going back to normal. I used to feel so crazy with it, and other things in life. I have not felt crazy in quite some time now. It’s funny how distance and observance of things can be so enlightening. In saying this, when the cycle hits (every 3 months), I’m aware of what’s driving it. Anyway, as my hormonal self thought I would – I did not end up eating a cow. I did, however, have a big bite of my son’s burger that next night.
I bitched a lot in the last blog about how hard “dieting” is. Outside of the hormones, I don’t really feel this way. It has made big changes in my life, though. I have to think everything – what is and isn’t worth it. This has all been a big shift, as I went from significant gaining mode to weight loss. There’s a large difference in the last year and a half to what it is has been this last 7 weeks. I’m much more successful when I have everything planned for the day. If I don’t, I usually put myself in a situation where I’m overly hungry. Being hungry is just a part of it, when you go from taking in so many calories to limiting the daily intake. Previously in losing weight, I ate much more than I do now. I’ll always love to eat. So, I’ll work on eating more of the right things instead of paying the heavy price for small cheats. I am proud of most of my choices, though. I was down 1 pound 4 oz this week. I was worried, coming out of the cycle (and maybe still being on it a bit (at least with cramping) – at least that’s how it feels -but um….how to put this….I have only spotted a trace amount. Even without all of this, I’m down a pound – where I had been in weight gaining mode for so long – had I not started this journey, I could have easily been up. Going back to the planning bit, I did not plan my dinner Friday night. Brian and Cal got pizza, and I ate some even though it’s not my favorite thing. It felt heavy and not worth it. Thankfully I only had to dip into my extra points a little bit (I had saved most of them for Saturday, as we had a lot of plans (but didn’t end up making it to party or hockey game with Brian’s illness). So, I consciously ate 3 slices of pizza the night before a weigh in. I normally eat super smart before weighing in, but I chalked this up to being real life and a Friday night. Here’s the thing, I was 4 oz shy of 20 pound weight loss on Saturday morning. Had I not had pizza for dinner, I’m sure I would’ve hit 20 pounds. There is something great that came out of this – I was a bit disappointed to not hit it, but it didn’t bring me down. I didn’t bitch to anyone about it. The scale is having less and less of a hold on me. I feel so much better with my change in diet. My knees feel better, I don’t ever have heart burn anymore, I’m starting to have more energy (even without sleeping well or doing much exercise). The change in diet is a gift – a gift I gave to myself. Nobody else can do this for me. It feels like an accomplishment. I’m not looking for any easy way out. I’m looking to be my best self, and this is a big part of it.
Hard transition time-
We live in a small community. We chose this particular town for the school system. The town is mostly people who grew up here and never left, and those who came here, just like we did, in search of the best public school system in the area. Our little community was totally rocked this week, when a high school senior, who was well-liked, took his own life. I know his parents but not well. I’m FB friends with his mom, so you see these kids grow up. Our boys knew him. I’m close to a lot of people who are close to the family. The devastation throughout the school (kids and staff alike) and the whole community is deep and far reaching. He was a football player and it was first round of playoffs was yesterday. The senior boys brought his jersey out with them as a team captain before the game. One senior broke down in the end zone after scoring. There was so much emotion at every turn. I can’t get on FB without breaking down in tears. So many are affected and it’s such a tragedy in every way. Our kids face so much more than we realize. I was kind of blindsided a few months ago with something with one of our own boys. I felt such guilt for not knowing what he was going through. That situation has changed the way I parent. I’ve worked hard on building on it. What happened this week has driven more conversation with the boys, and it’s not easy – we are the parents – there’s eye rolls, there’s downplaying their own situations, but we have to be annoying. As Caden’s mother said yesterday in a post: Hug your kids tighter. Ask them if they are okay…and ask them again in an hour. And then again tomorrow.
I haven’t really known what to write about this but knew it had to be written about.
We all have moments of feeling alone. We all do. Please know, you are never truly alone. In our hardest moments, it’s hard to see or feel the love people have for us. My prayer, is that you always know how loved you are.