I’ve been good at the eating part. I left most of my extra weekly points from last week, on the table. Because it’s real life, we don’t get to carry them over…boo! Brian started out doing this with me, but he didn’t last long. He does say he’s going to start again, but I don’t really push him. It’s not his fault I got fat again. So, the family often eats a different dinner than me. I will sometimes eat the same thing, minus the meat, and in measured out portions. We make spaghetti with ground turkey. I have mine with steamed broccoli. As you can imagine, it is a point killer – so although the first night isn’t as hard (except watching everyone chow down on French bread), it’s the second night that gets to me. I know I can’t do it two days in a row, so I eat whatever it is, that in my head, isn’t near as good as a heaping plate of spaghetti and bread. Other than meals, it has become much easier to reach around the cookies, chips, etc in the pantry. At work, it’s the sweets that always seem to be around. A vendor brought in the box of large cookies from some famous bakery. They decided to put them on my desk, since I’m centrally located….all day I watched ppl chow down on those damn things. When they first arrived, I pulled out my bag of WW cookies (3 points). I must admit – not nearly as satisfying. I watched ppl down 3 cookies. They can get away with it. I can’t. I have a serious eating problem, that I’m working hard to address. That same day, a nice woman from work offered me some candy from this basket she brought over. I respectfully declined. She pushes it closer, “Are you sure?” I didn’t have any, but our team was working on decorating for Halloween, so she came over again later, saying, “You’re working so hard, you deserve some candy.” Again, I politely said no thank you. She kept insisting, and my supervisor chimed in – she said no. I know she wasn’t trying to be malicious, but it is not easy turning stuff down all of the time.
Eating at work is the biggest mind fuck. To combat the cravings, I keep treats in a drawer and usually have one a day. There could be some little 2 point piece of WW "candy," or the 3 point cookies, or the bag of 1 oz Cheez Its for 4 points. The biggest help is the fruit I keep on the top of my desk. Right now, it’s an apple and couple ‘lil Cuties. I’m starting to crave the apple instead of thinking, stupid apple in my head as I choke it down. Progress.
My weigh in went well. I’m now down 18 pounds since 9/14. The weight is already starting to come off a little more slowly. I know how this goes and won’t be surprised if I start hitting a pound a week before too long. Still, I work hard on not focusing on the numbers. My mind is much more straight this time around. The scale used to own me. I still have some freak out moments, but other than when I missed a week weighing in, I haven’t gotten on my scale at home (and yes…that caused me to freak out). I am not seeing the results yet. Brian is always really good about telling me he sees it or that he can tell when he has his arm around me. I am fitting into some old fat clothes, that I had outgrown, though. I was pretty pumped when I could again wear my favorite pair of fat jeans. I let myself go so badly, that 18 pounds is merely a drop in the bucket. Still, I’m so happy that I’m not completely starting over. This is manageable. It’s going to take a while, but I’m confident I’ll get there. 18 pounds also means 90 pounds of pressure off of my knees. This is certainly helping.
It’s getting close to my cycle, my body has been starting to rebel now for the past week +. I expect it will be here any day, and it is totally fucking with my head. It’s like I can’t turn off the constant repeating thoughts. It’s anxiety 24/7. Part of why I’m writing on my lunch break, is so I don’t go buy some giant burger somewhere. I don’t think I’ve had red meat, since starting this, but I didn’t go into this – thinking I was stopping meat. I have just really cut way, way back. Eating meat, just isn’t the best thing for me as a person or my approach to weight loss and health. Still, I’ll bet I eat a fucking cow by the end of this week. I’ll count those stupid points, but no poor animal is safe at this point. Let me tell you, the mandarin orange I just ate is no substitute. I even contemplated going to try that new Impossible burger at BK, but that thing is 20 points (I get 28 in a day). For that, I’ll just have the real thing and get whatever iron (smothered in cheese and mayo) my body thinks it is craving. For now, I’ll put it off for another day – or dinner. We’ll see.
Ah…thanks for letting me get this out. This time around, I really haven’t been talking to my friends about the weight loss thing. I don’t talk to anyone after a weigh in (except of course my friend I’m doing this with), and it is not the biggest focus in my life – although huge to me. IDK. This is a totally different journey. All in all, the motivations are the same. I want to feel better and be healthier. Parts of my life felt as if I was living in the Twilight Zone while going through this before. It does make me sad that I fell off, but I can’t do anything about getting so ill and then surgery – I could have handled it better, but I didn’t and can only give it my best now. The Twilight Zone stuff didn’t start the weight gain. It just feels better and more for me….this time around. It’s probably hard to trust anything I say/do when it comes to weight loss – since I gained so much back. I don’t blame you if I’m not motivating to you, but maybe you can relate. We all have our own stuff, whether it’s food, or whatever (insert thousand different things). The bottom line is, we are all humans trying to be our best selves. Here’s to us and winning our own private (or not so private) battles and wars.
Have a wonderful week.