I smudged the house today for the first time since we moved in. A friend gave me the smudging kit as a housewarming gift. At the time, I didn’t even know what smudging was and had to ask for directions. I remember doing it so vividly, down to doing every single room and what I felt. I spent the most time, in what would be Ryne’s room, as I knew a teenage girl had lived there before. I wanted to keep my boy innocent forever 😊 It’s a great concept – cleansing the home. I’ve thought about doing it again many times over these few years, but I knew it would have to be when nobody was home. None of the boys in my home would show me any mercy if they knew I was up to more hippy dippy stuff. As it is, Brian probably prefers to think it’s just a giant joint that’s been in the closet. Today is quiet, though. Brian and Caleb are out in Vancouver. I was going to take Ryne to the movies, but then he asked if a couple of his friends could come along. They are great boys, but I don’t think 18 year old boys really want to hang out with a mom (let alone someone who has never seen any of the Spiderman movies), so I gave them my debit card and told them to go have fun. Ryne has promised me some together time later, and I’m happy with that. So, here I am, all alone (with the exception of Jesse, who is semi-snoring on the couch), and it’s so quiet. That is one word that is rarely used to describe our household. Smudging this time around, was so different. This was not to take out any bad vibes that previous owners left, this was about us. This was about clearing away any bad energy. There were specific things to address in every room -like the living room, where I spent so much time on the couch after surgery. This house is full of mostly good memories and energy, but today I asked whoever those smudging Gods are to take away anything that isn’t/wasn’t positive.  It feels very freeing.

I haven’t written in quite some time. The absence is the same as they all have been for what feels like a long time: I want to write about weight loss/health success. The truth is, I have failed miserably in this arena. I have told two different friends about how much weight I’ve gained in this past year and a half or so, and both have had the same horrified/shocked look on their face. The look is quickly replaced by pity and then, most importantly unconditional love and questions. I could write a laundry list of reasons (or excuses if you will) on how this has happened, but that doesn’t change anything. I would say the biggest gains have been since surgery, although I’d already started gaining before. Post-surgery, I really had good intentions of getting stronger. My body had been falling apart, and now it could get better. I walked when I was totally drugged up in those days after surgery, when it was essentially shuffling my feet. To pushing myself and going miles (very slowly), but I was doing it, for a short time. In looking back at it, there was this little flame (like on a small candle), and lately I’ve been thinking of the moment it was blown out. I remember the instance and the thoughts that went through my head, and I knew the moment was significant, but I could never have imagined I would not have returned since. I know the fault, really isn’t in that moment, because if something is that fragile, it would have been something else. I was fighting against the depression with everything I had, but eventually it won. In the grand scheme of things, it is still winning.

If it weren’t for the weight, I would absolutely think I’m beating depression. I win a lot of battles. I’ve finally won battles, I’ve had my whole life with it, but I know, I would not be eating like I am and being as non-active as I am – if I were not losing. It’s such a frustrating feeling, knowing I put all of this work into getting better, but I’m still losing to the current. I’ve felt like a different person for quite some time now. For as long as I can remember, I love being in an airport bar. I’ve met such great people and heard such wonderful stories from people I never would have met. At the very beginning of writing my book, I spent a couple hours chatting with a woman who had just published her first book – yes, in the airport bar. I recently went to Alaska, and Brian and I were in the bar and someone sat down next time me, and I remember thinking, in anxiety filled way, please don’t talk to me, please don’t talk to me. I then became panicked about going home. I’m not me, how I am I going to be able to talk to people? Look how much weight you’ve gained….everyone is going to talk… I was not physically or emotionally prepared for that trip. But really, going home was one of the best things that could have happened. I immediately felt the love, not only being around family but being around people I hadn’t seen in nearly thirty years. It’s like this weight was just lifted off of me. I could talk to anyone – anyone could talk to me. I missed that feeling, and it made me realize just how far off I’ve been.

For the most part, the weight wasn’t in the forefront of my brain while in Alaska, but it was still there. I told myself, I wouldn’t let my weight stop me from anything and did a couple of canoe races. I have no upper body strength, and it will never be (even when I get in shape) close to what it was, and then you add A LOT of fat – it’s not a good recipe for climbing out of a canoe and onto the dock. I knew I could not pull myself up, and I did not want anyone having to try and pull me up. So, picture the fat chick, barely throwing one leg over the dock and then pulling her body and rolling onto dock. I pictured how many people had to see that – how they had to be laughing at me. Still, I raced a second time, going through the same anxiety once again. I was not going to let the weight win. Again, I won the battles, but my knees were wrecked on the trip. It was 14 hours of travel to get there, then tons of walking up hills, etc, and my knees were absolutely shot. I was in pain the whole trip and a couple weeks after. I was unable to hike – the thing I looked most forward to. My weight stopped me. The weight also won, in family pictures. I come from this really attractive family. I’ve always felt so out of place in that way – like I don’t belong. Nobody in my family would ever make me feel like that – it’s just how I’ve felt. When I had lost weight, I didn’t think about it. I didn’t hate pictures. But here I was again, seeing myself, surrounded by people I love and thinking, I don’t belong. It’s a shame, I feel that way. It shouldn’t be. So, there were definite feeling of insecurities and reminders of how out of shape I am, but at the same time, it was mostly good. It started to bring me back to me.

A friend and I went out of town last weekend, to see Brandi Carlile (for God’s sake…not the Go-Go  - Brian won’t stop with that joke and the fact that most ppl thinks that’s who it is, doesn’t help), and for the first time since coming back from the trip – a month ago – I felt like myself again. I chatted up strangers at the concert, hotel, breakfast, wherever, and was even sought out by people I didn’t know. I was with a friend I met last year, so she has only known me – as the person I’ve been. She just kept bringing up like really nice, positive things about how engaging I am with people. Like, really….said some of the nicest things I’ve ever heard. It wasn’t until after we got back, I thought – yeah, she just knows this version of me, that I’m not proud of. It does say a lot, though, that even knowing me like this, we have become great friends. That is not always an easy thing to find in your forties.

Since returning from Alaska, I’ve worked even harder on getting back to me. I’ve spent more time with friends in this last month, than maybe I had in the previous 6 months or so. I make myself get out there, even when there are many days when I just want to stay in bed.  I have even forced myself on my family – haha! Teenage boys don’t really want to hang out with their mom, but I keep inserting myself into their daily lives.

As my weight will show, I have a long way to go. There’s a lot of work to do, yet. I could be in Vancouver (my second home) right now with Brian and Cal (Ryne already had other trip planned with friends during part of their trip), but I was out of vacation time and didn’t want to go negative (as it turns out I used my last vacation day to drive them to airport – so not well thought out), but mostly – I didn’t feel in a place to go home. I want to have more energy. I want to be fun all the time. I’m having my moments, but I’m not there yet. At the same time, I’m sorry I’m not there. I miss so many people, and it would have been wonderful to see them.

The other day, I was upset with someone I love, because they have shown total disregard for what a surgeon told them. I started in, trying to get through to them after something happened, but I had to stop myself. Who in the fuck am I to try and fore someone to treat themselves better, when I haven’t been able to do it for myself? Just last week, my doctor (who I love), tried putting some fear of God into me. Have I changed my eating habits much since then? No. I have given a lot of thought to the person who needs to take their health more seriously and to mine. I am a little neurotic sometimes when it comes to the house being clean. I haven’t always been this way, but I certainly can be, as I’m getting older. I thought – you care so much about a clean kitchen, or everyone having clean bedding – but you can’t put that same care into your own body? Like….that obsessiveness is going to things that aren’t nearly as important as my own health. I’m hoping all this thinking things through, writing today, and of course the smudging 😉 is my returning point. This is where I start to put it together. God, I pray it is.

Enough about the weight stuff….I’ve talked a lot about the depression, but I must tell you. It doesn’t own me. Like I said – I win a lot of battles. I do things every single day, to make me happy. From buying new underwear, to taking a long bath. I love the feeling of cooking something everyone in the house likes (not an easy task), taking Jesse for a walk – soaking in Brian’s joy at hitting a huge goal on the bench press- to having my Vita Mix fixed (she needed minor surgery). I consciously make sure to feel the joy in all of these things and more – Oh yeah, can’t forget the Jersey Shore show. Look, watching that is both enjoyable and makes you feel like you really have your shit together – a friend of mine was recently fretting about still being a “work in progress” at her “age.” Listen my dear, watch the Jersey Shore, and you will feel like you’re bathing 1000.
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Lastly, I recently also did something for myself – that I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I did 23&Me. I had always been scared but so curious in a lot of ways. I’m glad I pushed past those fears, even though it really wasn’t what I was expecting. I guess I thought I would learn more out of it, but I did do the health part of it, too. I ordered this, as I was waiting for ultrasound results – that had been done after a 3D mammo. The 3D the year before had been good, so I was a bit freaked out about coming back to have something looked at. It is good, just needs to be checked in another 6 months. The 23&Me also did not have me down with that cancer marker, so that made me feel some relief. (again – someone going through that should have gotten her health together right….) Anyway, I did have an Alzheimer’s marker. It runs in my family. It was definitely not a surprise but nothing anyone ever wants to see. It does not mean I’ll get it. There’s just that chance, I guess. It sucks that we are getting older. We are thinking of a lot of things we’ve never had to before. I had to laugh in Alaska, when I’m sitting there with friends and we are talking about who are kids would go to if we die, wills, surgeries, etc. Boy, have topics of conversations changed as we age! We need to go back to the days of playing f/marry/kill. We have now seen so many go through so many terrible things, either directly or to those we love. I’m going back to health things, as it has been permanently imprinted on my brain lately- I ask that you take care of your emotional and physical being. I know, the Chick who has been rambling on and on about not being able to do it- is asking you to put yourself and your health first. I will, if you will. This I promise to you. Here’s to making our own destiny and not what any dumb marker says. Let’s be healthy together.

​~Jen

Don’t blink….the weekend will be over….your baby will grow up and graduate high school….you’ll realize you’re not in your twenties anymore….you know little things like that. Seriously, it will happen in the time you read this blog.
The urge to write has been there for quite some time, but it is hard to put into words – things I don’t even know if I understand. I’ve gone back and forth on it today, the struggle in my head, before realizing….this is for me and maybe writing will help me in my journey. 

The truth is, I’ve been struggling in a very big way, from the illness….not knowing what it was….to becoming so sick…..to feeling the relief of living through it and believing I would never take another moment for granted….to watching my body fall apart….and not being able to deal with it all mentally or physically. The surgery really took its toll in every way. I’m not proud of the way I’ve reacted (mostly internally) to it all. I felt truly disappointed by some people not being there, that I really needed. In all fairness, I did not reach out and ask for many to be there. I hate that I’ve thought of things I’ve done for others and focused on the fact that they weren’t there for me. My distorted way of thinking has been, they never had to ask me to be there for them…I shouldn’t have to ask them. This way of thinking is not me. I’ve never done anything, expecting something in return. I’ve done them because I wanted to help, and it make me feel good to do things like that. I’ve changed in these past couple of years, in a lot of ways I’m not proud of, but in many ways that were absolutely necessary. I kept giving parts of me away until I left nothing left for myself. Maybe focusing on others was a way to deflect from focusing on the parts of me that I needed to work on. Regardless of the why, it was not healthy. I am not healthy.

There are definite effects from the surgery. My body won’t ever be the same. I have no strength in my hands. Caleb has to open things for me. If you know Cal, you’ll get that 😊  The good thing is, it always makes him really happy to be able to do it for me. I have no feeling in my fingertips or right thumb. My hands don’t always work right. I’m always fumbling things. I still have the occasional shakes. I was told before the surgery, my strength would not be any better (and likely less) than where it was going into surgery, but I was in total belief it would all come back. It did not, and it probably will not. Still, my body is so much better than before the surgery. My neck has finally started turning better. Until recently, I was so nervous, every time I drove. I would have to turn my whole body when I needed to look for traffic, etc. I can now raise my arms above my head and and ¾ up the side. Although my hands aren’t totally reliable, they are so much better than before. I’m not in constant pain. The surgery was a true blessing.

It is frustrating, because I know how lucky I was to get the surgery and have it be successful. I’m also blessed with some people who were truly there after the surgery through today, every step of the way. There were three local friends, who would just show up and would seem to know instinctively what I needed, even when I didn’t have any idea. There is NK who insisted I go to Florida, even when I didn’t think I was in a place to travel. That trip happened for a reason – I needed a good friend in that moment, as much as I’ve ever needed anyone. The trip strengthened a great friendship that was already nearly 30 years old. I have 100% trust in her. The bff will also always be here for me, and I know this, without question. Yesterday, she sent me the nicest text in a moment, that I needed to hear something like that. I’m lucky enough to have such great family and friends, which makes it all the more disappointing that I’ve focused on the negative.

In the last couple of years, I’ve learned what true anger is. Like….so fucking pissed. Anger really is a relatively new emotion for me, and it is not a good look. Thankfully, I’ve been able to leave a lot of it behind and maybe one day it will all be 99% forgotten. I look forward to this. It’s not something I want. I really try to be Zen about things, but this situation has taught me, I really need to get meditation down.  😊

Depression has been with me since before the surgery. I’m lucky enough to know how bad depression can truly get (at my worst with the potassium deficiency). I say I’m lucky, because I’m able to keep things in perspective. I’ve been battling but finally had to break down and try Wellbutrin. I was so tired and my arm and legs were getting so heavy. It seemed to help that part of it, but it brought on horrible anxiety, along with just about every other side effect. I stuck it out because the anxiety was supposed to get better by 30 days into it. It did get better, but it was still there in a big way. I had to stop it. For a week after I finished weaning off (my Dr does not know I’ve done this yet), I thought hey…I’m better. It has come back, though. – in  a big way.

I try and keep busy, which helps. Sometimes I am too busy, and am desperate for life to slow down, but then if it does, I can’t seem to deal with it. I’ve been working on finding a healthy balance.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped initiating conversations with people. I know why this started, but I don’t know why I can’t seem to get it back. I maybe begin 1/10 conversations with friends. I am better sometimes than others, but I still struggle. I’m just super lucky to have friends that are cool enough to not mind that they have to initiate things.

My oldest recently graduated from high school. I had no idea how hard that would be for me. It has hit me like a ton of bricks. Time went so fast. I’ve had a ton of guilt over these last couple of years and how I don’t feel like I’ve been as present (emotionally) as much as I should have been. This kid though…he is an awesome human being. I’m really proud of him. I’ve made a pledge to myself to do everything in my power to not let the depression steal time from me anymore. Around the same time as graduation, it just felt like everything piled up at once. I had worry for Brian on something, unexpected commitments came up, big financial stuff, yada yada yada. The morning after graduation, my whole body hurt. I felt like I was going off the deep end. I called in sick for a couple of days (but did work from home). I think the decision to take care of myself shows definite improvement in how I deal with things. I put myself first, which is something I’ve been working really hard on.

My life is good, and I know this. I know this better than anyone. When we go to bed, my husband puts his arm around me and always says it is the favorite part of his day. We are about to celebrate 27 years together, and he still does things like this. He tells me he loves me every day. He is a great father. My boys are happy, healthy, thriving. I have a good job. We have a roof over our head and don’t have a real need for anything. I say all this, to help explain, that the depression piece of it is total, fucking bullshit. I have gained so much weight since before/after the surgery. I don’t even recognize myself right now. The surgery doesn’t make me eat like shit. The surgery didn’t take away my ability to go for walks or hike. I’ve done that. Again, it was like I blinked, and the next thing I knew I was looking at Ryne’s prom pictures, and cropping myself out of a pic with Brian and myself with Ryne. I’ve been anxiety eating in a big way. I know it makes me feel like shit, but I continue to choose to do it. I know these things, and in the past I would beat myself up over it all. I’m not doing it this time. I have been through some shit. Would you believe, even some stuff I don’t talk about on here, haha! Still, in the grand scheme of things, the surgery, and unspoken shit means absolutely nothing. It doesn’t define me. I’ll grow from this. I’ll beat this (unless I have a heart attack first – which I feel like every single day anymore – and I that does happen, I can say this – even through the muck – I believe I’ve had the best life ever and have been able to see the beauty in so many things). Dramatic much, Jen? I am working on pulling out of this. I have an eating plan set for this week. It is nothing huge, just making steps to get better. One of the gals that has been there for me since the surgery, had her own surgery 6 weeks ago. She reached out to me today wanting us to do something together to get back on track. We will meet with my boot camp instructor  (for private session) on Tuesday to learn some workout techniques and will hold each other accountable. I feel really good about this. I feel good about writing this, even though, I may not publish this. I did not expect this post to go like this. IDK….I’m human….there was a situation that once made me feel crazy. I was not crazy. I think anyone would’ve believed the things I did and was able to see that once I took a step back. I will never feel crazy again. Even now, in the frustration of this brain that doesn’t always seem to work right, I feel sane. Damaged but sane. My body has been rebelling with the heaviness of the limbs, the heavy blanket that seems to envelope my body at time, I recently spotted/bled for 30 days straight, stopped for a few days only to start again. I don’t know what is real, as far as hormones or other things, but I’m also certain my poor diet is cause for some of these things. I have to stop just wanting to change things and actually make the changes that are necessary in order for me to truly make the most of this beautiful life I’ve been gifted.

Big sigh…I just went back and read that. Ha….not what I was expecting to write about buy must be what I needed. I’m going home to Alaska in a few weeks and the timing is stressful to me. I wish my weight was better as well as my energy level. Still, I believe it is just what I need. I can’t wait to take in all those big, beautiful stars in the sky. I can’t wait to see the water, to breathe, real, crisp air. I can’t wait to be around people I’ve known since I was born. Growing up on an island, has created lifelong, trusting friendships, that so many will never know. I’m glad to be going home. It is so fitting that it is happening at a time where I feel like I’m starting over in so many ways – at the place where it all began.

Okay, I’ll have mercy and let you go. Thanks for being here for me.
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~Jen

As I was writing this blog, my sister-in-law sent this photo to me. The timing, especially since my oldest is a large part of today’s writing, was meant to be. Oh, and if you have small kids – when people say it goes way too fast – it’s true. Enjoy every single moment of it. Well, I guess except when they are shitting up their back or puking on you.

Happy Saturday! I returned from vacation on Sunday, so this week felt especially long to me. All week, I kept dreaming of sleeping in, but I got up early this morning and made the trek to the “good” grocery store. You have to get there early, or you are forced to deal with shit tons of people. Thankfully I missed most of the masses.

I went to Phoenix last week to meet the bff. We often get together the first days of March Madness and celebrate our birthdays (falls in the middle). After this winter, we both knew we needed to head somewhere with warm weather. We made the right decision. The weather was perfect. We caught a spring training game, and I was able to meet one of my childhood idols, Bobby Dernier (the Deer). He played for the Cubs back in the day. I was actually teary eyed. He was the nicest man, even taking a picture with me. I sent it to my husband, and he knew who it was the instant he saw it. Amy and I always seem to run into the best of luck when we travel, and our tickets were no exception. We had great seats for an unbelievable deal. That night we ended up at a total dive sports bar, just like we like it. The waitress came over and took our order. I then went to the bathroom and as I’m sitting in the stall, I hear the bathroom door open. The waitress yells, “What kind of bread did you want on your sandwich?” I shit you not….funniest thing ever.

The next day we were able to lay out in the sun. I swear to you, it was like I could feel the vitamin D running through my blood. We then set out for a day of watching March Madness games with my brother-in-law and his wife. I hadn’t seen them in many years, and I really enjoyed spending time with them. They were great hosts to Amy and I.

Our last day, we set out for Sedona. I have always wanted to go there, and it was just as I imagined. We went hiking, but I was really nervous going into it. I had aggravated my knee in boot camp a few weeks earlier, and I’d been feeling it ever since. The weekend before was the boot camp 5k. I ran a little of it but mostly walked. I felt every single thing that ails my body during that 5k. Whenever I would run, my knee felt as if it would go out from under me. I was way last, which didn’t bother me at all. I knew I was doing the best I could. I was really worried about my time, because I felt as if I hadn’t been making progress. When I crossed the finish line, my time was better than I thought, and I just put my head down and cried. I had no idea it was coming. The emotion that has been wrapped up in my healing and a body I’ve failed with gaining weight, all hit me. So, as we set out to hike, I told Amy not to expect much from me. I thought we’d go a few miles. There was a point on the map, that we wanted to make if possible, but really didn’t think it was a possibility. As we got into it, I didn’t want to let her down by not making it (when really she would not have been let down at all). It ended up being further than expected and a lot of it on some nasty terrain. I pushed myself when I didn’t think I could take another step. We made it! It was so beautiful….tearing up just thinking of that accomplishment. We didn’t take water with us, because we didn’t think we were going far….so we were dying. We found some fresh water at the top, and water had never tasted so good. All told we went about 9 miles and according to my fitbit (138 flights of stairs). I really had no idea I could do something like that at this stage of the game. It was well worth the hella sore calves we both had for many days. I will always remember this hike. The whole vacation was wonderful, and may have to make this a yearly thing.

My oldest will be graduating high school in May. It is hitting me like a ton of bricks…. I was listening to the Obvious Child the other day on the way to work. It’s one of my all-time favorite songs, and I’ve heard it a thousand times. This time the lyrics hit differently and I began to cry. We had a lot of fun. We had a lot of money. We had a little son and thought we’d call him Sonny. Sonny gets married and moves away. Sonny has a baby and bills to pay. Sonny get sunnier day by day by day. So yeah, this is going to be a really rough stretch. Ryne also turns 18 the same week as graduation. He has really grown up this year, and it is so fun to watch. He did a play for the first time (we couldn’t see that coming at all). He experiences life in such a great way. He has his first serious girlfriend, and they really seem to like each other. Ryne was just accepted to the University that was his first choice. There is a lot coming at us all so quickly. I think back to my senior year of high school, and it was the most fun time of my life. My cousins Holley and Jouni graduated the same year, and there was a big dinner at my Aunt Fern’s after graduation. The whole family came out (and there’s a lot of us Indians). I don’t remember a lot about the ceremony itself or the all-night lock in party at the school afterwards. I remember that dinner and how wonderful it was. I have been very sad that we are so far away from family. I’ve really felt it this past year but especially now. I wish Ryne could experience the same happiness I did during that dinner. I know it will still be great for him, and we will do our best to surround him with those out here who love him.

Work continues to be challenging but I’m liking it. Well, as much as I can enjoy something while being chained to a desk anyway. When I interviewed for the job, I thought it was over my head – even thought about turning it down. I haven’t felt that way since being there, and especially lately, there has been some really great feedback about my performance. I’ll be going to the U.K. soon for work, and this is the first time my position has made that trip. I feel really grateful to work at a place where I feel so appreciated. I still miss the people from my old job, but am so happy I left the position I was in.

I wish I could leave it all at it what I’ve written, but that isn’t true to how I’ve kept this blog. There is a lot of great in my life, which make the fact that I still fight depression so shitty. There are days I’ve had to give in to it, going to bed really early or whatever, but mostly I fight it with all I have. Things seem to be getting better lately. I always keep it in perspective of the fact that it will never be as bad as when I was sick with the potassium deficiency. My brain was so sick, and I will never forget that- coming up on a year ago. This is manageable and I’m still able to find good in every day. I just have to work harder some days than others. I make sure I get out with friends about once a week. I went on the trip with Amy. I spend a lot of time at home with the family. I make sure to do the things I need to not get swallowed up by this. As I said, it is getting better. I’ve had an approach that seems to help. This summer will go a long way to putting this behind me as well. I’m excited to hike. I can’t wait just to sit on the deck and feel the warm air. The weather is getting there, even though I cussed a the few snowflakes I saw this morning. This is going to be one of my favorite summers. I can feel it….

I’ll let you go and enjoy your weekend. Thanks for reading. I enjoy this outlet, even though I often stop myself from writing here. Writing is a healthy thing for me.
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~Jen

I truly hope the winter is treating you better than it has been us, in the Midwest. It has been some utter bullshit out here. A friend and I were just trading weather memes, that include a crazed Jack Nicholson from The Shining. Yeah, it definitely hits me that way at times. I ended up getting sick in early January, and while I knew I had a sinus infection – I did not want to take antibiotics. I’ve taken so many before/after surgery, and even now, if I visit the dentist. It’s a precaution I don’t love, so don’t want to take more than absolutely necessary. I figured I’d ride out the three weeks a sinus infection is supposed to last, but it took an ugly turn. The weather got really brutal (-60 wind chill, etc), and as the doctor explained, that weather gets in your lungs and spreads everything like wildfire. It got to the point, I had to go in, but the snow was so heavy, no doctors could make it into the office that day….by the time I went the next morning, I had coughed so hard that night, my right eye was halfway shut for a few days. Crazy shit. In order to finally heal, I was forced to stay inside. All told, I was sick 5-6 weeks.

With the weather, I’m grateful to have a job, that allows me to work from home when the elements go bat shit crazy or come in after there’s been enough time to really salt the roads. I’ve seen more accidents this winter, than I’ve ever seen. Even this morning, before I even got out of my little town (35 mph zone), there was a 2 car accident. Today it was ice, as it has been often, as well as snow, freezing rain, etc. One day, just a couple of minutes after Brian and I each passed through the highway, right before getting into town, there was a rollover – closing down the highway, both directions. When these things happen, I get terrible anxiety for the friends I know, who are still driving in the crap. It is truly scary stuff. Coworkers have been involved in accidents, too. I won’t complain about the 2 rock chips in my windshield I’ve incurred. Also, I can’t complain too loudly, as my poor dog Jesse might hear me–she has been really having a hard time with the weather. She hasn’t been able to get walked and has been forced to shit on the deck. She is the saddest thing right now.

2019 has also proven to be a really tough year, in terms of losses suffered by those really close to me. In the midst of it all, two of my favorite people, each lost a parent – services on the same day – in different states. It has been hard with so many losses, being so many miles away from so many I wish I could be there for. During this same time, a friend also visited the Dr. after only missing two days of work. He thought he was getting better from an illness, but felt really drained. The Dr. said he looked good but would run some blood work. A few hours later, she called to tell him, she thought he had cancer. She had him to go the E.R. and within another few hours he was being transported to a large hospital in the city. He is battling a rare form of cancer, and it is all so crazy….how quickly things happen. He is someone I know well, and have long felt protective of him and some of the scars life has left him with. All of these things, are giant reminders that we never know what life will bring. I hope we will all work our hardest out of making the best out of the life we have.

I turned 47 last week, and there was a lot of thinking about how ill I was last year on my birthday. I didn’t talk about those memories with anyone, and I had zero expectations for my birthday – while still feeling excited about a new year. I was simply happy to be in a much healthier place, than I was a year ago. Funny enough, this turned out to be one of my favorite birthdays ever. I just really felt the love and continue to feel the love between gifts that keep arriving and birthday dinners with friends. More than anything, the words I received from so many, were exactly what I needed. I felt every bit of it. I have been increasingly distant in recent years with most people, but regardless – they are still there, loving me. There are no expectations from me, and nobody wants anything from me. My friendship, in whatever capacity is appreciated. I’m truly blessed with the best family and friends. I have always known this. Really….I feel it.

Last Friday, a friend asked if I would take their tickets (killer seats) to James Taylor and Bonnie Raitt (they had a sick pet). She insisted it was a birthday gift. I’m not super comfortable with accepting something so generous, and wished they could go or would sell them. Still, she said how good it would make them feel, if I accepted them. I believe them, and feel grateful they thought of me.  I already had plans with a friend, who was going to take me out to celebrate on Saturday, and instead, it turned into a weekend out of town for us, for the concert. It really was a great weekend, full of laughs, great food, and the phenom Bonnie Raitt. She is simply amazing.

Last month (amidst illness, but it was on my best day – before it all got worse), another friend and I headed to Milwaukee to see Bob Seger. It was a great opportunity to get to know this friend better (I truly enjoy her), and to see someone I’ve always wanted to see. I’ve definitely got the concert bug and have a few others lined up. I’m stoked! I also look forward to it not being -20 (Seger) and driving wind, rain, ice (Raitt). I will appreciate every bit of it.

I started reading, You are a Badass today. I only read for about 20 mins, but it was enough to get myself to write in this blog again. I’ve allowed things to keep me from writing. I have had some strings of really tough days. I’ve gone through a lot lately. I’ve found the courage to say words I could never say. In other places, I’ve also quit saying words, where I had said so many, but they were never heard or honored. At 47 years old, I’m finally using my voice. I’ve always let others voices carry over mine, giving theirs more weight. I feel blessed to finally have a self esteem that is allowing me to know my worth. I guess a person can only be pushed so far – even me.

Although there have been bad days, I’ve never let them happen easily. I still fight the sadness when it comes. I still hate it. I work against it. It doesn’t define me. I wish I didn’t feel things as much as I do, but at the same time, I feel the great and the love so much, too. There are very low, lows (but it is all in perspective after being so ill last year), but there are also a lot of high, highs. I thank God every single day for this life. I will always be a work in progress. It’s ironic, given how my self esteem was so often intertwined with my weight – that as I’m gaining, I’m feeling most powerful. I have been eating like shit. I haven’t been drinking much – rarely at home. Tonight, I did pour some wine before writing, and it has been nice, though. So, where I would at times, deal with things through alcohol, now it has been almost exclusively food. I’m better than that, but I have been gentle with myself. My blood pressure is on one of its totally crazy journeys right now, enough that it makes me too nervous to do boot camp. It is related to situations and my diet. I’ll always have BP issues, but can be managed through good diet and good mental health practices. Today I made some big changes to my diet. I feel good about what’s to come. I’m not beating myself up over anything. I have faith in myself. I respect my body enough to know, that I need to get this BP under control.

Work has been crazy – with all of the new added responsibilities. I most often work through lunch and a lot on the weekends. I’m getting a better handle on things and try and have a healthy attitude about it all. I was bored to tears, before the change in duties. I can now say, I don’t have that issue 😊 With that being said, I’m trying not to wish away the week and only look toward the weekend. In the toughest of days, I am grateful for it all. I will be going on vacation next month – WHERE THERE IS SUN! I’m not counting the days. I’m stoked to go, but I’m trying to make the most of every day. I owe it to myself. I owe it to my friend who is fighting cancer and unable to do the things he wants. I owe it to the swimmer, who did not have use of his legs and swam his ass of at the meet a couple of weeks ago. I owe it to God.

I’ve chopped my hair off. I’m reading a great motivational book. We all do what we do to make the best of situations and our lives. Some days are easier than others for all of us. Let’s continue to be our badass selves…in whatever way works for us. At the end of it all, we are responsible for our own happiness.

And with that Cheers my friends,
​
Jen
-This song is dedicated to the 1990 Girls SE Alaska Champs. And for all the fire inside, we all have. So moving to hear this song in concert.

Happy Sunday! I don’t know about you, but it has been tough for me to get up and do much today. I’m sick, which doesn’t help. I had plans to meet a friend to walk this morning, but this achy body couldn’t get over the view outside – of snow….and refused to go out into the cold. Knowing when to rest and when exercise will help has always been a struggle for me. I’ve been running myself into the ground, and that could be what made me sick in the first place. It could be this brain that refuses to shut off, and finally made my body sick, or hell…it could be the fact that I work in a large office and someone is always sick. Oh, yeah, and there’s the possibility that it’s the hormones (I’ve been spotting 3 straight weeks….). Who the fuck knows. The only thing I do know, is it could be worse, and I’m praying it just stays where it’s at.

I got some shitty news from the surgeon recently and had myself a little pity party for a day or two. I’m supposed to take on, yet another Dr, but fuck if that’s going to happen. Seriously, there just isn’t time. I’m already doing p/t 2x per week (and supposed to be 3), therapeutic massage, and most weeks therapy for the head. It would be nice if my full time job, was just getting better, in every way. It would be nice for you, as well, I’m sure. The funny thing about being a working adult, is that’s where most of our time goes – to make money to spend on Dr’s appointments, a home that we rarely get to spend time in, a car we need to drive to work, etc. It doesn’t seem right, but that’s the way life it. Anyway, I decided, to fuck with the opinion of the surgeon or whoever. I know – real mature. But the thing is, they spend minutes with you. I spend my life in this body. I know I’m capable of more than what someone who spends minutes with me thinks. So, I decided to return to bootcamp. I know the plate is in place, so that is not a worry. I know my body is still very much healing (seriously, today marks 4 months, how can there still be swelling and shit?), but it doesn’t mean I’m dead. I mean, unless you ask my fitbit, as the pulse function no longer works – or if you ask my husband, who questioned if I had a pulse when I told him it wasn’t working. I asked permission of nobody, but I did reach out to the instructor beforehand to say I’d have a lot of limitations and asked her to work with me. I went to my first class, right from p/t (which will have to be the case again tomorrow), which was not ideal – but I can’t make excuses anymore. I need to reclaim my body. I’m so very glad I returned to bootcamp. Just even walking in and seeing faces I hadn’t seen in so long, made my soul happy. Most things are modified and everything is at a slow pace for me, but I feel so alive being there. This step is huge for me, and it will go a long way in my recovery – all the way around.

I finally stopped my anxiety eating. I wish I could say that I were eating better than I have been, but this last week and a half have been a big step in the right direction. I might not be making all healthy choices, but I am thinking about everything I put in my body. Awareness for me, is the biggest key to success. Tomorrow, I will begin to count calories again. I don’t love this process. I get too obsessive about it, and the whole thought of it gives me anxiety – but it is a necessary evil in the short run. I need to remember how much I can have of things, etc.  In all actuality, I have been having issues with obsessive thoughts for a while now, so maybe switching up what my brain obsesses about isn’t the worst thing in the world. My brain has been slowing, but it still won’t stop.
​
My 600 Lb Life returned to T.V. a couple of weeks ago. The show, once again, is all things.  (and One Ton Family, is also awesome). It brings me a sense of peace being able to relate to someone, while also being inspired by watching them change their diet (so far – only success stories). I mean, seriously, if they can change their eating habits – I can, and you can, too.

We said goodbye to my closest work friend on Friday. By far, she is the one I have the best connection with. I’m happy for her new opportunity but will definitely miss her. I wish it were only that part, but my job duties are once again changing – as I will be taking over her responsibilities tomorrow (along with keeping some of my own). It is nice that my bosses think I can handle it, but it really is something I have zero interest in doing. It is a much different type of buying than I’ve done, and it is a job everyone expresses that they know is the worst of them all. One lady told me she was going to retire early, if they made her take it back over. I don’t know…it all pays the same, but life is going to be even busier. I cannot fit more into the week between therapies and the boys with their activities – but the weekends will now require a lot of work hours. I guess it’s just more reason for me to figure out exactly what it is I’d like to do. A good friend here, is always talking about how much she loves her job. I want that feeling one day.

Sometimes life kicks you in the twat, which is what happened to me recently. We learn to deal with things the best we can. We all get kicked in the twat sometimes. Unfortunately, I turned to food, as I have for most of my life when things get bad. It sucks, because I had that part under control for so long (turning to food). All we can do is the best we can in these situations and remember our worth – and remember that we are worth putting healthy food into our body. Truthfully, it has been a rough run, but the way I eat has been not great for the past 14 months, since I first started getting sick. There were some tough times in there in the beginning, and I ran to food. I started to deal with it, but then would run to it again. I worked with a brain that was sick, and I didn’t come out on the winning end. I started to do really well again before surgery, but again, haven’t dealt with that well, either. The cold hard fact is, I have gained 47 pounds in 14 months. I hate saying that number out loud, but this is me reclaiming my life….this changes now. I am not coming into this, like I have in the past – wanting to lose a certain amount a week. I know just in the last week and a half, I feel better, making the changes I have. I don’t know that I have lost, but I don’t feel like I’ve gained. I guess I’ll find out when I get on the scale in a couple of days. I honestly wouldn’t even use the scale this time around, but my bootcamp is a weight loss competition, also. I need to weigh in for me/for our team (go Team Byron). Big sigh…it’s out there….the good news is, I’m not starting over. I’m still way, down from when I started losing weight – probably at least 70 pounds. I’m glad to be getting out in front of it now, before it all came back.

We all have our struggles and they affect us in different ways and to varying degrees. I’ve truly been feeling the weight of being so far from family and friends lately. I don’t feel lonely, but I definitely miss the comfort of sitting across from people I love and trust with all I have. There have been some low moments, and as if on cue – something will come in the mail from one of them. One relative gave me a really meaning piece of jewelry in recent months – another sent me some dishes that were the same as my grandmother’s, the other day. My heart about leaped out of my chest when I opened it. A cousin, who I love with all I have, randomly text the other day that he was driving through Vancouver and thinking of me and how much he loved and missed us. Seriously, there have been countless acts of kindness from friends or family, who haven’t known, that in that moment – I might need that. I’m forever grateful to have been born to the family I have and to the friends that I had the good sense to keep close with all of the years. I’m telling you this, because we all can be that person – we can be kind – we can reach out, simply out of love – nothing else. My hope is that we will all be that person, and we will all receive those random acts of kindness of love when we need it – and if it isn’t there in that moment, I pray that you reach out and say what you need.

I hope this day treats you well. Enjoy the hell out of it, we have just this one life.
 
~Jen

Happy 2019! Hopefully you aren’t nursing too much of a hangover this morning. It’s a nice, quiet morning here in the Midwest. I’m drinking a smoothie. My body may go into shock, with actual healthy stuff in my body. I’m up 7 pounds just since the Monday after Thanksgiving. I gave over-eating my all this holiday season. Caleb is still sleeping, Ryne spent the night out, and Brian is at work. I’m writing in my room, with a salt lamp and candle going in the background. I’m going into 2019 in the most Zen like state I can.

2018 has been a tough year to live through and look back on. In the grand scheme of things, I know I’m a very lucky woman. This year could have turned out much differently. So, instead of reliving all things that made the year very, very difficult – I am choosing to write about the year in review – focusing on the good – and there was a lot of good.

My favorite moment of 2018 was probably when Caleb told me he made the varsity high school swim team. Now, you probably don’t know anything about my son and the struggles he has been through. It’s not something I talk about a lot, and I certainly don’t write about it on here. I know he wouldn’t mind me talking about it. He is open with friends and talks a lot about his Autism with me. Caleb was diagnosed at 2 years and 4 months. There were concerns from the Doctor when he was a year and a half, but at that time, testing did not start until the child turned 2. I had only seen and heard of Autism once at that time. -This was 13 years ago. I don’t have a great memory, but I remember everything about those months and early years. There were therapists for speech, physical therapy, occupational therapy, vision therapy (before he received surgery on both eyes for strabismus), therapeutic pre-school, etc. Caleb had significant issues with coordination. A neurologist told us his muscles were “too loose,” blah, blah, blah. We heard it all. Caleb has pretty significant pronated ankles. He was in braces for years. We then moved out to the middle of nowhere…in the Midwest, and he could do some of the same services in the school, others we would have to pull him from school and drive into Chicago. At some point, we decided it was more important for him to be in school, than the results we were now getting from some of these therapies. In his younger years, the services all had much more of an impact than they were having as he grew older. We put everything into him having the most “normal” school experience possible, even letting him go without the braces on his feet. After a year out here, we moved to the town we are in now – based on their excellent school system. It was here, that after Caleb being in swim lessons for four years….that he finally learned to swim through the local parks district. As is common with people on the spectrum, he always had issues putting his face in the water. When the lessons finished, I asked his instructor if she thought Caleb would be okay joining the club swim team. She told me he was not ready. Thankfully, the following week, I ran into the woman who was in charge of the Parks & Rec club swim program. She asked why Caleb wasn’t swimming and encouraged me to have him join. Fast forward, years later and Caleb made the varsity swim team, as a freshman. It was a dream of his, which he achieved. I’ve always been proud of him and all of his efforts, but I know how big this is to him, and my heart is swelled with pride for him. Brian recently looked at me, and said, “Could you have ever imagined Caleb would be a high school athlete?” Caleb’s life is not the easiest in some ways, but I thank God for swim. I thank God for those who have worked hard to make his dreams come true. I thank God for all that swimming has given him.

Another great part of this year, has been watching Ryne enjoy his Senior year of high school. When I look back, my senior year is my favorite year ever. I’m so glad he’s also having that same great experience. He’s got a lot of friends, and he continues to make really great decisions – like joining the cross country team to “stay in shape.” Ryno is such a smart kid, but unfortunately…he knows that and doesn’t apply himself much when it comes to doing homework or studying. He knows he can get by with minimal effort. His SAT scores were really good, though, and because of that he has gotten some “fast track” applications to colleges, meaning he didn’t have to pay to apply and was accepted right away. I have no doubt Ryne can be whatever he wants to be. He hasn’t decided on a college yet, but my hope is the challenge of college work, will bring out the best in him. It’s all a super exciting time, and I love watching him go through it all. I also have to say, that he and his friends have made a huge difference for Caleb in school. Caleb was bullied quite a bit in middle school, but this year, he is treated like a king from all of these seniors. He is treated differently be the kids in his class, because of it. He even credits one of Ryne’s best friends, as being someone who is always there for him. Ryne also has friends that are Juniors, so I know he’ll still be looked after next year. Ryne is a great kid, who has such good taste in friends. I’m very proud.

2018 was a tough year to get things done, between all of the illness and physical stuff, but I’m stoked to have gotten to a few concerts. Brian and I got out to CO to go to a show and spend time with the bff and her hubby. I was also able to see my new favorite, Brandi Carlile. There was also a couple more shows spent with friends and was even able to do quite a bit of travel. Oh yes, and get in a few Broadway shows. I’m thankful, that as much as this year tried to stop me from having a life – I persevered. 2019 will also be a great year for concerts. I’ve even already gotten some concert tickets and am looking forward to a full year of music.

I left my job this year and went to another company. I still miss the people I used to work with, but I really needed to leave my old job. I think getting a text from my boss, the second business day after being carted out of work in an ambulance asking if I wanted to use vacation time or make-up the time was really eye opening in that I needed to get the fuck out…. I could hardly speak yet, but the concern was about my vacation hours (I’m a salaried employee…). I went to a new company, where after being there less than three months, I had to leave for two months for surgery and the company was nothing but supportive and took care of me financially. I may not love what I do for a living. I’ve known this for years, but making the decision to switch companies was most definitely the right decision.

When I look back, on when I started to know something was wrong with me – I knew in Nov 2017 something was off. I’d been working with that, but really it was probably a couple of months earlier that it all started. That’s when the unexplained constipation started. I was eating so healthy – it didn’t make sense. When I landed in the hospital and my potassium numbers came back, I remember the nurse saying, “You must have been feeling like garbage for a long time.” In the moment, I couldn’t make any connections, though. I was so sick… I’m very lucky my coworker noticed something was wrong with me and didn’t let me drive home, like I wanted. I’m lucky to have gotten the care I got. It was so strange to not be able to move my body, and for the words to be so delayed and stuttered out. From there, my body rebelled and it got to the point where I couldn’t use my left hand or turn my neck. I remember vomiting from the pain the week before surgery on my neck. Again, I’m lucky to have had a great surgeon. I still have a long way to go, but I am on the right track. I’m grateful to friends and family who have been there with me through it all. I know, that none of them understand, as they haven’t been through it. I know what I’ve been through and what I continue to go through. It is my journey, but I wouldn’t be where I am without the love and support of so many. I am a lucky woman.

I’m not going to make a bunch of resolutions, but I will continue to build on the work I’ve been doing already. I have been pushing my strength work every single day. I am going to add in the aerobic part of it that has been missing. Time is an issue, but my life is important enough that I need to make time. I’ll continue to work on myself and the person I am. The people I allow in my life. I deserve better than some of the crap I’ve allowed in my life. I know my worth, and will work on my self-esteem every day. I have issues putting other peoples needs, before my own, and I am changing that.

I work hard on being a positive thinker. I work on this, even when depression comes to visit. For me, it’s the simplest things, in the war against depression. I choose to do the little things, that bring me joy – clean bedding, listening to music as I clean house, taking my car through the “good car wash,” walking and snuggling with Jesse, cleaning my bathroom, and writing. I do these things, even when nothing seems to work – and even if I lose the battle, I continue to win the war. Life is good, even if it doesn’t always come easily. If you have these same struggles, continue the fight, in whatever way works for you – even if nobody understands “your” things. I mean, seriously…cleaning my bathroom does make me happy.

2019 will be a great year for this family. Brian and I have spent a lot of time trying to plan things out. It is so hard with his schedule, and the boys’ schedules, for us all to do things together – but this is the year. I’m excited for this chapter in our lives. We have built our lives together for the past 26 years, and I think year 27 is going to be fantastic.

My hope and prayer for us all, is that 2019 is our favorite year ever. The year will be what we choose to make of it. Happy New Year.
​
~Jen

Good morning! My sleep schedule has been permanently altered since Caleb began 2x practices. I had been awake for a while this morning, when lying still, so Jesse wouldn’t know I’d awaken. I thought…this might be the morning I get back to sleep. In the still of the quiet, my stomach started growling, which to Jesse meant – it’s party time. She really is the best dog. If I would’ve been firm with her, she would have laid back down. Still, there were things to do, so we got up and I started wrapping at 4:30 A.M. for the second day in a row. It really has been a lovely couple of hours, though. I just might be the world’s worst morning person, but when the house is still, and everyone is home sleeping, it is my favorite time to get things done. The Christmas music has been going, the Christmas trees are lit, and a candle is going in the background. Seriously, if it weren’t considered unacceptable behavior, I’d pour a glass of wine and consider it the best morning ever.

I told the boys it was going to be a low key Christmas this year, as they are both taking a band trip to Disneyworld in a few months. It’s not an inexpensive trip, but Ryne went two years ago and had the time of his life. I’m so glad that Caleb moved past his fears and agreed to go this year, as it will be so great to have Ryne there with him for this trip. Ryne and his friends really do watch out for Cal, and, okay, that writing is for another time, I’ll just get emotional. Of course, nothing really changed about this Christmas. Anyway, Ryne gave me zero direction on what to get him – seriously, didn’t tell me one thing (thankfully he and Brian are bff’s and Brian told me what to get). The only thing Caleb asked for was the game, Cards Against Humanity, and Santa very begrudgingly got it for him. Caleb also did tell me, to lay off the clothes. He didn’t want any. I guess part of the charm of Christmas morning is the surprise of it all. Won’t he be surprised when 90% of what we got him was clothes? Ha…once he gets past the disappointment of opening apparel after apparel, he was realize that he really will like all of it. There is Danica gear, Vikings stuff, Under Armor, blah, blah, blah (we are far from name brand people, but they are teenagers and I know it’s a big deal)…He also got an Atari t-shirt to go with the Atari he got (you know, the one Mom really wanted 😉I joke about it all, but it will be a fun morning. We have tons of Christmas/Eve traditions. I think, to all of us, that is the traditions are the best part of it all. Brian is even off of work both days of it, which is not always the case – so we are pumped.

Life continues to be super busy, with physical therapy, therapeutic massage, etc. thrown in there. I’m truly luck to have the physical therapist I do. She is a caring individual, who always gives of her extra time, in an effort to get me where I need to be. I’m also beyond blessed to have the massage therapist I do. She does not take new clients, but as a favor to someone – she took me on. I know this is going to be huge in my recovery. There has been a lot of work put forth this past month, since my last evaluation. So, when my eval the other day, didn’t go all that well – there was definite disappointment. I did gain some range on motion in a couple of areas, but none in the rotation of my neck….or another area I was hoping for. I went backward in one area, but I know that’s because I sit at a desk all day in front of computer screens. I tighten up, plus…honestly, I think I might be carrying stress in my shoulders. I remained the same in everything that had to do with strength. Zero improvement…. I took the eval hard, because I have been working so hard to get better. I gave myself a day to give into the fear and frustration of it all, but have since gotten back to it. Yesterday, I pushed myself the hardest I have. I’m mofo sore today, but I will do the same thing today. At the request of the p/t, I will see the surgeon again next month, but I have mixed emotions of it. I plan to just work my ass off and see what happens. I pray I’m at a place where I can cancel that appointment.

I know the holidays can be a hard time for so many people, for varying reasons. In all honesty, I’ve had a rough run these last weeks. I don’t know how much of it has to do with the holidays, but I don’t think that helps in one way. I have been anxiety’s bitch, and the depression train backed up, until it knew it had a hold of me. I know, for the most part, what it stems from, and I have been in complete defiance of it all. Not this time….no, no, no….I don’t want this, get the fuck away…. I have given my all to hold it all at bay, but for the most part, I have been unsuccessful. And you do have to trust me on this….I work hard against it. I think of the positives of every day and try to be a good person, to myself and others. I had been very much looking forward to this four day weekend, when Friday came and it was not a good day, despite my best efforts. I went to be really early, convinced I was fucked…but thank God for new days. I woke up yesterday, and I was a million times better than just the day before. As a family, we had a really wonderful day – and my head that never stops – slowed down and enjoyed the roses in it all. I thank God, that today, is also good. I have every faith the next days will be as well. I’m hoping that the thief of joy that has been visiting lately has left to only return for only brief moments and leave just that soon (I would wish for it to always be gone, but at some point, you have to own it and work with what you have). If you are facing some sadness today, I pray for the same for you. All we can do, is continue to work hard and never lose sight of how beautiful life is. – How blessed we are that we have this opportunity to be the person we are or work toward the person we want to be.

I guess, I should clean that kitchen before the boys all get up, so they have time to mess it up again. I do love that few minutes of looking at a clean room, though. The morning remains quiet, with the exception of my typing fingers, Jesse and her sleeping breaths next to me, and some Christmas song I’ve never heard, but is lovely. It’s probably being sung by the biggest band in the universe right now, and I would have no idea who that is. In my mind, I still know all things music. I mailed off some mixed CDs for my baby sister yesterday (for her birthday), so we will keep the fact that I’m no longer all that hip to ourselves. We wouldn’t want to disappoint her 😊  Oh- but you can fully trust me on song below.

Merry Christmas my dear friends. Should you need to reach out to anyway, I’m always here.

~Jen
 

Happy Friday! There are only 5 more alarm clocks until the four day weekend. I’ve counted down all week, just trying to get through this work week. It helps :)

Are you all done with your shopping? Because we live thousands of miles from most of the people we love….. I’m always forced to shop a little early. I need time to get everything boxed up and shipped out, so it arrives on time. I spent nearly the whole day last Sunday, wrapping and boxing. Seriously, there are 28 people on my Christmas list. We both come from big families, so the number has gotten a little out of hand over the years, plus I have a couple of friends I love to buy for. It can all be overwhelming, but for the most part, I really do enjoy shopping for their gifts. There are a few things that make my heart smile, thinking of how those gifts might make that person feel. I truly do love Christmas, and I try to be in the spirit, but it really is so hard being so far from everyone. There are always some blue moments, but they don’t last long, as Brian, myself and the boys, do have each other. That’s what matters most.

Life has been unbelievably busy lately, as I’m sure it has been with you, too. It’s just that time of year. In addition to the craziness, my job duties are changing. It was the strangest thing….I had a review (just the time of year they do them – as I have only really been here 4 months) the day before I went to Florida. It went really, really well. The day I returned from Florida, we were all pulled into a meeting by our boss, saying we were all now going to report to someone else, and our job duties are changing. It seem nuts to me that we weren’t all told of this during our review or the new manager wasn’t brought in, but I guess everyone has their way of doing things. I guess we all get paid the same amount of money in a day, despite what we do. When having a desk job gets to me too much, I look at a little sticky note that says how much I make in a day. I’m there to provide for my family, and not because I’m fulfilled by what I do. Maybe one day that will change, but for now, I’m happy to have a job that contributes to keeping a roof over our head. I also do work with some pretty cool people, and am lucky enough to have found my little tribe. I do still miss my old coworkers a ton, though. I still hear from some of the guys, and it always make me happy. One of them recently reached out to tell me he got engaged, and how he did it. I’m over the moon for them, and feel blessed that he thought to tell me.

In addition to work, Caleb has two swim meets a week. He is so into it, and I couldn’t love it more for him. He also has two-a-day practices, which means super early drop offs in the morning and pickups from practice at night. I have physical therapy 2x week and now therapeutic massage once a week, so thank God Ryne can drive – because I wouldn’t be able to do many of the therapies without his help. Oh, and I have head shrink therapy, often once a week. You’d think with all of this attention, I would be Wonder Woman by now, right? Ha…. It has all been a frustrating ride, but as promised, I really had it kicked up a notch this week. I’m really hoping I start to see some results. It sure would be nice to be able to raise my arms past my shoulders or turn my neck more. With the change in p/t and adding the massage, I really think I’ll start to see improvement in just a few weeks.

I’ve still got anxiety, but some days aren’t as bad as last week. I’m heading in the right direction, and hoping it will soon be a thing of the past. I’m way over-eating, although there had been some better days in there, and I’ve been drinking shit tons of water. I’ll always wish I could handle things better, but I think I’m am improving in how I deal with some of it.

I hope you have a wonderful week and are able to enjoy the moment of it all – instead of feeling all of the pressure of obligations, finances, etc. We just have to keep reminding ourselves of what it is all about. Remember, to take care of yourself first. You’re worth it.

~Jen

December 8th. How in the hell did that happen? Seriously….I guess being in Florida last weekend, where it was in the upper 80’s certainly didn’t help my perception of the season. It has been a bit of a mother fucker of a winter here already (and technically, I don’t think it’s winter yet). We had a crazy ass snow storm here a few weeks, and we got 13 ½” at my house in about 24 hours. Yay for Midwest living… Thankfully, it was short lived and now it’s just cold. Real cold.

I’ve had a crazy amount of anxiety in recent weeks. I’ll feel it in my stomach or find myself just shoving food in my mouth, as if that will stop it. Sometimes I’ll know what’s causing it, while at others – it is nothing in particular. It hits me the worst while at work. I stare at computer screens all day, and there’s just too much opportunity for my mind to wander. Today, has been a really busy day, and a good one, but it’s with me today – as if to tease me – anxiety be like, we own you bitch. I was asleep by 8 last night (waiting for the day when my old night owl self comes back), and had decent enough sleep (for me) and was awake about 4:30 this morning. I can’t bitch about that, given my bedtime. I laid there for a while and Brian woke up, so we had some time together before I got up about 6 to clean and make pancakes for the boys. Cal had a meet today, so he had an early start. I got my hair colored this morning, ran errands, and got my first therapeutic massage since the surgery. I then shopped at my favorite store, and picked up the biggest salt lamp ever, before getting Christmas shopping done at a dept store. There should be no time or room for anxiety, but still….it’s there. I work with it and do my best not to let it control me. I guess doing our best, is all of us can really do…

So, doing my best is all relative I guess. Mentally, I work hard to beat it, but physically I have been a mess. It all ties together, I’m sure. I’ve been eating like shit, so it makes sense that I’m having these issues. It’s like a snowball rolling downhill. Anxiety, then eat like shit, which feeds the anxiety, and then I eat more shit. You know… I have been starting my days off good with a smoothie, but it’s “downhill” from there. I need to fix it. I hate the way I feel. I hate that I had to buy more pants that fit today. I hate the way I look. It all feeds off each other, but the good news is, I have the power to fix it. Tomorrow, right?

While I was talking myself into going on the Florida trip, I thought, I was going to do some traveling this year, and my health wasn’t going to stop me as it had stopped me from so many other things I wanted to do. I then realized that I had been to Washington, Alaska, Colorado, and now Florida in 2018, so although I was never stoked about any of them beforehand, I still did them – and was glad for different ways for each of them. So, I am proud of myself for not giving into how shitty I’ve felt this year, all of the time, anyway. I am exceptionally grateful for Nurse Kristy talking me into this Florida trip. The trip was a definite setback this week, with my body, but mentally it was huge. She and I have been friends since we were freshman in college. I’ve always referred to her as the easiest friend I’ve ever had. We can go for months without talking, but it’s always as if no time has passed when we do see each other. It wasn’t long after we were in the car when she picked me up, that we were knee deep in deep conversation. She said, “I’m going to be one of your new best friends before this trip is over.” I thought about her comment, and realized she is one of my best friends. I feel like I failed as a friend, that she didn’t know that going in. I really try to make those closest to me, know how loved they are. I’ve been caught up in myself and my own shit, that I have taken some of those relationships for granted. Another close friend actually called me out on my distance, in recent months. Wake-up call, received. I really am going to work on being a better person for the people I love and who love me.
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The trip was truly lovely. NK spoiled me rotten. She owns the condo, she rented a car and hauled me to all sorts of cool places and had friends who took us boating. I’d never seen the Gulf of Mexico and it was such a nice feeling to wade through those waters. We ate fancy foods, drank and drank…and drank. We started Sunday morning off with 3 ½ hours of bottomless mimosas and bloody Mary’s. Yeah, and then we were afraid to quit drinking, so we kept on. I’m proud of myself for keeping up as much as I did both days but do feel bad that I had to crash out early on her both nights. She’s totally understanding and cool about it, though. With all of the neat things we did, my favorite times were just us, sitting in the condo, having drinks, listening to music (she even brought one of my CDs I’d made her years ago), and having great, real, conversation. Seeing her made me homesick, even though we weren’t even home. I mean, if I lived there, we could go see Bob Seger together! Man, I miss having my concert friends.

While having my teeth cleaned the other day, the dental hygienist made mention of stubborn stains. She asked if I’d been drinking more coffee. I told her I didn’t drink coffee, she then said, tea? I said, “No, wine, it’s been a rough year.” She laughed and said, she has the same problem, but didn’t have the kind of year I did. It was kind of surreal, as the last time I’d been in wasn’t too long after the potassium thing and now post cervical fusion. She asked a lot of questions again about the potassium stuff and the surgery. I hate that, that is a focus of conversation. I hate that I let it be. I’ve let is own too much of me. I’m working hard in p/t to get stronger, but  we still don’t do anything with weight. I definitely feel like I should be much further along by now and am frustrated with myself. I keep hearing it takes time, but I think I’m somehow holding myself back. I feel like I’ve been pushing but have been cautious…scared about a lot of things. I really think I need to dig deeper this week. It’s the promise I have to myself and to you. What’s the worst that can happen, right?...

So, I realized the other day that I never came back and told you that the reason I pissed myself that day (remember…at work….full on piss that I couldn’t stop and had to dry out under a hand dryer in between people from working going in the restroom) was from my fucked up nerves. It wasn’t Diet Coke -although that is still the devil. The surgeon couldn’t believe I didn’t have more issues than I did. -I was never far from a bathroom. I’m still that awkward as fuck girl that does something like that. I’m also the same awkward AF girl that when told a woman at work is deaf, thought it was a different woman. Seriously…every time I talked to this woman, I would talk slowly and made great care to make eye contact and couldn’t understand why she didn’t make better eye contact – until the real deaf woman had a conversation with me after a couple of months of me making a fool of myself. I’ve been thinking lately about just how different I am…how I’m the one who is always going to say something that requires foot in mouth….but I am me. NK helped me ease up on myself and realize that I am someone who is worth loving, despite all of the reasons I beat myself up. I am not perfect, but I am worthy of love. I’m forever grateful to her (and therapy) for helping in this journey of learning my worth. I pray that you don’t have these same issues I have, but if you do, know that I am there for you, if you need to talk anything out.

I’m about to start dinner, and pour a glass of wine. Brian is going to build our first fire of the year. For now, both boys are under the same roof (hoping Ryne doesn’t ditch us soon). I’m really looking forward to being home with the family tonight and enjoying our warm home – with Jesse under foot. Cheers to a wonderful Saturday night for you as well, whatever that may mean in your world. Treat yourself with kindness and love.
Cool video below:
I’m going down. Follow if you want
I won't just hang around
Like you'll show me where to go
I'm already out
A foolproof idea, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted

​Cheers,
Jen

We made it to the short week! I'm awfully pumped for someone who has only been back at work for 2 weeks + 1 day. I really thought I was ready to return to work, although I knew it wouldn't be easy. I'd done some hiking and pushed myself in a lot of ways. Still, nothing could prepare me for full days without my neck having rest. I work with dual screens, which certainly hasn't helped the situation. Plus, the added tension that comes with working didn't help my cause. There were a couple of nights in that first week, when I'd head to bed and my legs literally buckled underneath me. There was nothing left to give. Last week was a little better. I started spending my lunch hours in my car with the seat reclined, just getting some much needed rest during the day. 

I also have physical therapy 2-3x a week in the evening. Holy shit balls.... I will say tonight was the easiest for me to get through. I've been wanting to write for some time now, but I knew I couldn't possibly do it after p/t, and look at me...writing and don't look now - may even staying up past 8. Myofascial release has been huge in my recovery. I missed it last Wed after having major electrical issues in my vehicle (that only has 40,000 miles). It was a harrowing ride home, and I could feel everything was like a knot afterward, and I should have just shown up late to p/t and had her just do the massage part - but I chose a glass/es of wine instead. Anyway, slowly but surely I am improving. Yesterday, I didn't even think about limitations and did a shit ton of cleaning and cooking. It felt so good to have the house look so nice. Last night, my whole body ached and was worried I was sick. I went to bed really early (shocking...), but this morning I felt much better. I then realized I had done too much yesterday, but I wouldn't change a thing. It was another step toward feeling human.

Lately, I've noticed there have been times when I've felt like my old self. I had to take pause and think about it, because it has been so long since I've been myself- I'm not really sure what that looks like. I had a year where I dealt with trauma and went right into last November when I started to realize that I wasn't feeling right. This past year my physical issues have dominated me. I can sum up the past two years with trauma/reaction and ailments, but thank God that isn't the whole story. There has been a lot of good in there, too. I've just let the other crap control too much. So, although I've lost parts of me along the way, and there are injuries emotional and physical that I'm still working through - I haven't lost all of me. Hopefully, I've left some of the things behind - that needed to go. We all have to choose how to deal with life. I wish I were better at dealing with things, than I am - but I am getting much better at it. I've learned to accept myself in more ways and embrace who I am. I am especially grateful to see some parts of me return, and am grateful, that I get to appreciate them more. This might all sounds like complete self-absorption, but you must understand - I needed that....I put too many people in front of myself. Honest, to God I do. I started to wonder, if I had actually given every piece of me away.
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On may way home tonight from physical therapy, I drove past where boot camp is being held. This happens often, and how I've accepted it has changed. In the beginning, all I could think about is, I bet I can return next week or month or whatever fairy tale I would tell myself. Now, I am much more realistic about things. I would love to be able to return in January, but I have a long fucking way to go before I'll be ready for anything like that. I hope I am, but I can't beat myself up if I'm not there yet. My body hasn't like that fact that I had a neck fusion. I know it takes time...I kept hearing that...but of course I thought I could beat the timelines, and that won't happen.

A picture the family and I took last year for our Christmas card, came up on my timehop this morning. I was really happy to see it. It took me back to that moment, of the 4 of use (with all but Ryne being anything but photogenic) trying to get a decent picture. We had some good laughs. I wasn't at the weight I wanted yet - probably 10 pounds away, but I was satisfied with where I was. Fast forward a year, and there has been a lot of weight put on. The first 45 years of my life, I would have beat the shit out of myself for how I let myself get over this past year. The 46 year old is much more compassionate. I'm not happy, at all, with where I am, but I am making small changes to fix it, and those will lead to big changes. More than anything, I'm so glad that looking at that photo wasn't all about my weight (it was the first family photo we'd taken since the boys were small because of my weight...), it was about going back to that moment an Ryne trying to hug and kiss Brian who was trying to get away. For me, this is huge progress and undoubtedly a result of learning to get through so much this past couple of years.

My family is in Seattle or headed to, as I type. We are having a family reunion. I couldn't go, as I really couldn't miss work after being out for so long. As it got closer, I did look into actually flying in on Thanksgiving morning and returning Sunday. It would just be me and the boys, as Brian has to work, and they can't get out of holiday work. Brian was supportive in us going, but then I returned to work and realized just how hard functioning like that was. I knew the trip would take a toll, and I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. Nobody wants to go to something like that - when they aren't quite themselves. I am really sad, but have worked hard on focussing on the positives of being home. I made our Thanksgiving dinner last night and we had another family come over. It was also a nice little celebration of buying our house 3 years ago. The boys and I will spend Thanksgiving day at a friend's house. I will also have a Thanksgiving dinner at another friend's the following day (Brian will be working and our h.s. football team has made the state championship, and the boys will be travelling to the game for marching band). I'll also get a little shopping in that day. I will also be doing our local Turkey Trot. I've had anxieties about doing it alone and undoubtedly coming in last - by A LOT, but I told a coworker I'd signed up (without telling her any of my anxieties) and she said it sounded fun and asked if she could do it with me. Another friend later said she wanted to walk it with me, which really made me feel good - as she is a runner. This Turkey Trot....means a lot to me....it's a new start. It may still be 2018, but I'm starting my new year now. This calendar year is going to end on a great note.

I may not be able to travel to see my family this weekend, but I have had plans to meet a friend in Florida the following weekend. She has a condo down there and has already rented a car. I bought the insurance on the ticket, just in case I thought I couldn't do it, but I won't do that to her - or me. The flight isn't too long, and it's only  a weekend. The sun, sand, and beach will do me good, but more than anything, having a weekend with Nurse Kristy will be just what the Dr. ordered. I am someone who normally thrives on adventures and first, and with this being my first time to Florida there would be a lot to see and do. However, for this trip, all I picture is just good, quality time with a close friend. We'll probably spend most of our time in just chatting and drinking wine. NK is the easiest going person and will totally understand I can't be my more adventurous self right now, and will just appreciate me being there. I miss just hanging out with friends and enjoying a night of talk and wine. I'm very much looking forward to this.

I know, I know....this is a long post, but I really need write about this. There was a lot of hurt with some people not being there after the surgery or things that went along with it. People I've always tried to be there for. I know, this is life. We are not all the same in how we reach out, etc. Time heals a lot of those wounds. But with this, there is the opposite also. Some friends were there in huge ways, and I never could have expected that. I will always remember them for this. In my time of need, they were there. When I returned to work, our receptionist, said she had a card for me - that H.R. wouldn't give her my address. I've only worked here a few months, but this woman, is truly the kindest, most caring person I've ever met. I think anyone that is ever in her presence feels it. She had told me that she prayed for me every morning and evening, "Whenever I get to "J", I pray for Jennifer." Yes, this woman prays for someone in every letter of the alphabet! Anyway, she gave me the sweetest card, and a $50 Visa gift card. I was floored...it was completely unnecessary, but I know it made her feel good to do it. It brings tears to me eyes, just thinking of it. I promised her I would use it on something just for me - and I'm going to get new sunglasses before my Florida trip. We all can't be as kind as this woman is in every day of her life, but it just reiterates how we have the power to turn someone's day around by simple gestures. I'd received a card in the mail from my department while I was out. I thought H. R. provided them with a card, but when I returned, I heard the story about how this guy (who started a month after me) brought in the card and went around to everyone making sure they signed it for "Jenny," and also heard about how much he asked about how I was doing after the surgery. Again, he was that dude. The dude we can all be. We all have just this one life. I hope we make it the kind of life we can be proud of.

I hope you have a wonderful week and Holiday. -and hopefully you find your local Turkey Trot. It's a great way start the day. 

I'll leave you with a song I absolutely love off of Brandi Carlile's newest album. I like her solo version better, because I'm a sucker for an original, but she put this out with Sam Smith - and that dude can sing, too. Together, they are magical.

​~Jen