Happy Friday! There are only 5 more alarm clocks until the four day weekend. I’ve counted down all week, just trying to get through this work week. It helps :)

Are you all done with your shopping? Because we live thousands of miles from most of the people we love….. I’m always forced to shop a little early. I need time to get everything boxed up and shipped out, so it arrives on time. I spent nearly the whole day last Sunday, wrapping and boxing. Seriously, there are 28 people on my Christmas list. We both come from big families, so the number has gotten a little out of hand over the years, plus I have a couple of friends I love to buy for. It can all be overwhelming, but for the most part, I really do enjoy shopping for their gifts. There are a few things that make my heart smile, thinking of how those gifts might make that person feel. I truly do love Christmas, and I try to be in the spirit, but it really is so hard being so far from everyone. There are always some blue moments, but they don’t last long, as Brian, myself and the boys, do have each other. That’s what matters most.

Life has been unbelievably busy lately, as I’m sure it has been with you, too. It’s just that time of year. In addition to the craziness, my job duties are changing. It was the strangest thing….I had a review (just the time of year they do them – as I have only really been here 4 months) the day before I went to Florida. It went really, really well. The day I returned from Florida, we were all pulled into a meeting by our boss, saying we were all now going to report to someone else, and our job duties are changing. It seem nuts to me that we weren’t all told of this during our review or the new manager wasn’t brought in, but I guess everyone has their way of doing things. I guess we all get paid the same amount of money in a day, despite what we do. When having a desk job gets to me too much, I look at a little sticky note that says how much I make in a day. I’m there to provide for my family, and not because I’m fulfilled by what I do. Maybe one day that will change, but for now, I’m happy to have a job that contributes to keeping a roof over our head. I also do work with some pretty cool people, and am lucky enough to have found my little tribe. I do still miss my old coworkers a ton, though. I still hear from some of the guys, and it always make me happy. One of them recently reached out to tell me he got engaged, and how he did it. I’m over the moon for them, and feel blessed that he thought to tell me.

In addition to work, Caleb has two swim meets a week. He is so into it, and I couldn’t love it more for him. He also has two-a-day practices, which means super early drop offs in the morning and pickups from practice at night. I have physical therapy 2x week and now therapeutic massage once a week, so thank God Ryne can drive – because I wouldn’t be able to do many of the therapies without his help. Oh, and I have head shrink therapy, often once a week. You’d think with all of this attention, I would be Wonder Woman by now, right? Ha…. It has all been a frustrating ride, but as promised, I really had it kicked up a notch this week. I’m really hoping I start to see some results. It sure would be nice to be able to raise my arms past my shoulders or turn my neck more. With the change in p/t and adding the massage, I really think I’ll start to see improvement in just a few weeks.

I’ve still got anxiety, but some days aren’t as bad as last week. I’m heading in the right direction, and hoping it will soon be a thing of the past. I’m way over-eating, although there had been some better days in there, and I’ve been drinking shit tons of water. I’ll always wish I could handle things better, but I think I’m am improving in how I deal with some of it.

I hope you have a wonderful week and are able to enjoy the moment of it all – instead of feeling all of the pressure of obligations, finances, etc. We just have to keep reminding ourselves of what it is all about. Remember, to take care of yourself first. You’re worth it.

~Jen

December 8th. How in the hell did that happen? Seriously….I guess being in Florida last weekend, where it was in the upper 80’s certainly didn’t help my perception of the season. It has been a bit of a mother fucker of a winter here already (and technically, I don’t think it’s winter yet). We had a crazy ass snow storm here a few weeks, and we got 13 ½” at my house in about 24 hours. Yay for Midwest living… Thankfully, it was short lived and now it’s just cold. Real cold.

I’ve had a crazy amount of anxiety in recent weeks. I’ll feel it in my stomach or find myself just shoving food in my mouth, as if that will stop it. Sometimes I’ll know what’s causing it, while at others – it is nothing in particular. It hits me the worst while at work. I stare at computer screens all day, and there’s just too much opportunity for my mind to wander. Today, has been a really busy day, and a good one, but it’s with me today – as if to tease me – anxiety be like, we own you bitch. I was asleep by 8 last night (waiting for the day when my old night owl self comes back), and had decent enough sleep (for me) and was awake about 4:30 this morning. I can’t bitch about that, given my bedtime. I laid there for a while and Brian woke up, so we had some time together before I got up about 6 to clean and make pancakes for the boys. Cal had a meet today, so he had an early start. I got my hair colored this morning, ran errands, and got my first therapeutic massage since the surgery. I then shopped at my favorite store, and picked up the biggest salt lamp ever, before getting Christmas shopping done at a dept store. There should be no time or room for anxiety, but still….it’s there. I work with it and do my best not to let it control me. I guess doing our best, is all of us can really do…

So, doing my best is all relative I guess. Mentally, I work hard to beat it, but physically I have been a mess. It all ties together, I’m sure. I’ve been eating like shit, so it makes sense that I’m having these issues. It’s like a snowball rolling downhill. Anxiety, then eat like shit, which feeds the anxiety, and then I eat more shit. You know… I have been starting my days off good with a smoothie, but it’s “downhill” from there. I need to fix it. I hate the way I feel. I hate that I had to buy more pants that fit today. I hate the way I look. It all feeds off each other, but the good news is, I have the power to fix it. Tomorrow, right?

While I was talking myself into going on the Florida trip, I thought, I was going to do some traveling this year, and my health wasn’t going to stop me as it had stopped me from so many other things I wanted to do. I then realized that I had been to Washington, Alaska, Colorado, and now Florida in 2018, so although I was never stoked about any of them beforehand, I still did them – and was glad for different ways for each of them. So, I am proud of myself for not giving into how shitty I’ve felt this year, all of the time, anyway. I am exceptionally grateful for Nurse Kristy talking me into this Florida trip. The trip was a definite setback this week, with my body, but mentally it was huge. She and I have been friends since we were freshman in college. I’ve always referred to her as the easiest friend I’ve ever had. We can go for months without talking, but it’s always as if no time has passed when we do see each other. It wasn’t long after we were in the car when she picked me up, that we were knee deep in deep conversation. She said, “I’m going to be one of your new best friends before this trip is over.” I thought about her comment, and realized she is one of my best friends. I feel like I failed as a friend, that she didn’t know that going in. I really try to make those closest to me, know how loved they are. I’ve been caught up in myself and my own shit, that I have taken some of those relationships for granted. Another close friend actually called me out on my distance, in recent months. Wake-up call, received. I really am going to work on being a better person for the people I love and who love me.
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The trip was truly lovely. NK spoiled me rotten. She owns the condo, she rented a car and hauled me to all sorts of cool places and had friends who took us boating. I’d never seen the Gulf of Mexico and it was such a nice feeling to wade through those waters. We ate fancy foods, drank and drank…and drank. We started Sunday morning off with 3 ½ hours of bottomless mimosas and bloody Mary’s. Yeah, and then we were afraid to quit drinking, so we kept on. I’m proud of myself for keeping up as much as I did both days but do feel bad that I had to crash out early on her both nights. She’s totally understanding and cool about it, though. With all of the neat things we did, my favorite times were just us, sitting in the condo, having drinks, listening to music (she even brought one of my CDs I’d made her years ago), and having great, real, conversation. Seeing her made me homesick, even though we weren’t even home. I mean, if I lived there, we could go see Bob Seger together! Man, I miss having my concert friends.

While having my teeth cleaned the other day, the dental hygienist made mention of stubborn stains. She asked if I’d been drinking more coffee. I told her I didn’t drink coffee, she then said, tea? I said, “No, wine, it’s been a rough year.” She laughed and said, she has the same problem, but didn’t have the kind of year I did. It was kind of surreal, as the last time I’d been in wasn’t too long after the potassium thing and now post cervical fusion. She asked a lot of questions again about the potassium stuff and the surgery. I hate that, that is a focus of conversation. I hate that I let it be. I’ve let is own too much of me. I’m working hard in p/t to get stronger, but  we still don’t do anything with weight. I definitely feel like I should be much further along by now and am frustrated with myself. I keep hearing it takes time, but I think I’m somehow holding myself back. I feel like I’ve been pushing but have been cautious…scared about a lot of things. I really think I need to dig deeper this week. It’s the promise I have to myself and to you. What’s the worst that can happen, right?...

So, I realized the other day that I never came back and told you that the reason I pissed myself that day (remember…at work….full on piss that I couldn’t stop and had to dry out under a hand dryer in between people from working going in the restroom) was from my fucked up nerves. It wasn’t Diet Coke -although that is still the devil. The surgeon couldn’t believe I didn’t have more issues than I did. -I was never far from a bathroom. I’m still that awkward as fuck girl that does something like that. I’m also the same awkward AF girl that when told a woman at work is deaf, thought it was a different woman. Seriously…every time I talked to this woman, I would talk slowly and made great care to make eye contact and couldn’t understand why she didn’t make better eye contact – until the real deaf woman had a conversation with me after a couple of months of me making a fool of myself. I’ve been thinking lately about just how different I am…how I’m the one who is always going to say something that requires foot in mouth….but I am me. NK helped me ease up on myself and realize that I am someone who is worth loving, despite all of the reasons I beat myself up. I am not perfect, but I am worthy of love. I’m forever grateful to her (and therapy) for helping in this journey of learning my worth. I pray that you don’t have these same issues I have, but if you do, know that I am there for you, if you need to talk anything out.

I’m about to start dinner, and pour a glass of wine. Brian is going to build our first fire of the year. For now, both boys are under the same roof (hoping Ryne doesn’t ditch us soon). I’m really looking forward to being home with the family tonight and enjoying our warm home – with Jesse under foot. Cheers to a wonderful Saturday night for you as well, whatever that may mean in your world. Treat yourself with kindness and love.
Cool video below:
I’m going down. Follow if you want
I won't just hang around
Like you'll show me where to go
I'm already out
A foolproof idea, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted

​Cheers,
Jen

We made it to the short week! I'm awfully pumped for someone who has only been back at work for 2 weeks + 1 day. I really thought I was ready to return to work, although I knew it wouldn't be easy. I'd done some hiking and pushed myself in a lot of ways. Still, nothing could prepare me for full days without my neck having rest. I work with dual screens, which certainly hasn't helped the situation. Plus, the added tension that comes with working didn't help my cause. There were a couple of nights in that first week, when I'd head to bed and my legs literally buckled underneath me. There was nothing left to give. Last week was a little better. I started spending my lunch hours in my car with the seat reclined, just getting some much needed rest during the day. 

I also have physical therapy 2-3x a week in the evening. Holy shit balls.... I will say tonight was the easiest for me to get through. I've been wanting to write for some time now, but I knew I couldn't possibly do it after p/t, and look at me...writing and don't look now - may even staying up past 8. Myofascial release has been huge in my recovery. I missed it last Wed after having major electrical issues in my vehicle (that only has 40,000 miles). It was a harrowing ride home, and I could feel everything was like a knot afterward, and I should have just shown up late to p/t and had her just do the massage part - but I chose a glass/es of wine instead. Anyway, slowly but surely I am improving. Yesterday, I didn't even think about limitations and did a shit ton of cleaning and cooking. It felt so good to have the house look so nice. Last night, my whole body ached and was worried I was sick. I went to bed really early (shocking...), but this morning I felt much better. I then realized I had done too much yesterday, but I wouldn't change a thing. It was another step toward feeling human.

Lately, I've noticed there have been times when I've felt like my old self. I had to take pause and think about it, because it has been so long since I've been myself- I'm not really sure what that looks like. I had a year where I dealt with trauma and went right into last November when I started to realize that I wasn't feeling right. This past year my physical issues have dominated me. I can sum up the past two years with trauma/reaction and ailments, but thank God that isn't the whole story. There has been a lot of good in there, too. I've just let the other crap control too much. So, although I've lost parts of me along the way, and there are injuries emotional and physical that I'm still working through - I haven't lost all of me. Hopefully, I've left some of the things behind - that needed to go. We all have to choose how to deal with life. I wish I were better at dealing with things, than I am - but I am getting much better at it. I've learned to accept myself in more ways and embrace who I am. I am especially grateful to see some parts of me return, and am grateful, that I get to appreciate them more. This might all sounds like complete self-absorption, but you must understand - I needed that....I put too many people in front of myself. Honest, to God I do. I started to wonder, if I had actually given every piece of me away.
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On may way home tonight from physical therapy, I drove past where boot camp is being held. This happens often, and how I've accepted it has changed. In the beginning, all I could think about is, I bet I can return next week or month or whatever fairy tale I would tell myself. Now, I am much more realistic about things. I would love to be able to return in January, but I have a long fucking way to go before I'll be ready for anything like that. I hope I am, but I can't beat myself up if I'm not there yet. My body hasn't like that fact that I had a neck fusion. I know it takes time...I kept hearing that...but of course I thought I could beat the timelines, and that won't happen.

A picture the family and I took last year for our Christmas card, came up on my timehop this morning. I was really happy to see it. It took me back to that moment, of the 4 of use (with all but Ryne being anything but photogenic) trying to get a decent picture. We had some good laughs. I wasn't at the weight I wanted yet - probably 10 pounds away, but I was satisfied with where I was. Fast forward a year, and there has been a lot of weight put on. The first 45 years of my life, I would have beat the shit out of myself for how I let myself get over this past year. The 46 year old is much more compassionate. I'm not happy, at all, with where I am, but I am making small changes to fix it, and those will lead to big changes. More than anything, I'm so glad that looking at that photo wasn't all about my weight (it was the first family photo we'd taken since the boys were small because of my weight...), it was about going back to that moment an Ryne trying to hug and kiss Brian who was trying to get away. For me, this is huge progress and undoubtedly a result of learning to get through so much this past couple of years.

My family is in Seattle or headed to, as I type. We are having a family reunion. I couldn't go, as I really couldn't miss work after being out for so long. As it got closer, I did look into actually flying in on Thanksgiving morning and returning Sunday. It would just be me and the boys, as Brian has to work, and they can't get out of holiday work. Brian was supportive in us going, but then I returned to work and realized just how hard functioning like that was. I knew the trip would take a toll, and I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. Nobody wants to go to something like that - when they aren't quite themselves. I am really sad, but have worked hard on focussing on the positives of being home. I made our Thanksgiving dinner last night and we had another family come over. It was also a nice little celebration of buying our house 3 years ago. The boys and I will spend Thanksgiving day at a friend's house. I will also have a Thanksgiving dinner at another friend's the following day (Brian will be working and our h.s. football team has made the state championship, and the boys will be travelling to the game for marching band). I'll also get a little shopping in that day. I will also be doing our local Turkey Trot. I've had anxieties about doing it alone and undoubtedly coming in last - by A LOT, but I told a coworker I'd signed up (without telling her any of my anxieties) and she said it sounded fun and asked if she could do it with me. Another friend later said she wanted to walk it with me, which really made me feel good - as she is a runner. This Turkey Trot....means a lot to me....it's a new start. It may still be 2018, but I'm starting my new year now. This calendar year is going to end on a great note.

I may not be able to travel to see my family this weekend, but I have had plans to meet a friend in Florida the following weekend. She has a condo down there and has already rented a car. I bought the insurance on the ticket, just in case I thought I couldn't do it, but I won't do that to her - or me. The flight isn't too long, and it's only  a weekend. The sun, sand, and beach will do me good, but more than anything, having a weekend with Nurse Kristy will be just what the Dr. ordered. I am someone who normally thrives on adventures and first, and with this being my first time to Florida there would be a lot to see and do. However, for this trip, all I picture is just good, quality time with a close friend. We'll probably spend most of our time in just chatting and drinking wine. NK is the easiest going person and will totally understand I can't be my more adventurous self right now, and will just appreciate me being there. I miss just hanging out with friends and enjoying a night of talk and wine. I'm very much looking forward to this.

I know, I know....this is a long post, but I really need write about this. There was a lot of hurt with some people not being there after the surgery or things that went along with it. People I've always tried to be there for. I know, this is life. We are not all the same in how we reach out, etc. Time heals a lot of those wounds. But with this, there is the opposite also. Some friends were there in huge ways, and I never could have expected that. I will always remember them for this. In my time of need, they were there. When I returned to work, our receptionist, said she had a card for me - that H.R. wouldn't give her my address. I've only worked here a few months, but this woman, is truly the kindest, most caring person I've ever met. I think anyone that is ever in her presence feels it. She had told me that she prayed for me every morning and evening, "Whenever I get to "J", I pray for Jennifer." Yes, this woman prays for someone in every letter of the alphabet! Anyway, she gave me the sweetest card, and a $50 Visa gift card. I was floored...it was completely unnecessary, but I know it made her feel good to do it. It brings tears to me eyes, just thinking of it. I promised her I would use it on something just for me - and I'm going to get new sunglasses before my Florida trip. We all can't be as kind as this woman is in every day of her life, but it just reiterates how we have the power to turn someone's day around by simple gestures. I'd received a card in the mail from my department while I was out. I thought H. R. provided them with a card, but when I returned, I heard the story about how this guy (who started a month after me) brought in the card and went around to everyone making sure they signed it for "Jenny," and also heard about how much he asked about how I was doing after the surgery. Again, he was that dude. The dude we can all be. We all have just this one life. I hope we make it the kind of life we can be proud of.

I hope you have a wonderful week and Holiday. -and hopefully you find your local Turkey Trot. It's a great way start the day. 

I'll leave you with a song I absolutely love off of Brandi Carlile's newest album. I like her solo version better, because I'm a sucker for an original, but she put this out with Sam Smith - and that dude can sing, too. Together, they are magical.

​~Jen

Happy Thursday - here's hoping you were able to steal of few pieces of candy from your kids! I mean, it's not healthy, so you're really just looking out for them. We started the night with 300 mini candy bars. (Okay…maybe 290 after Cal and I hit it). We ended the night with 6. The last trick-or-treater asked if he could just take the rest of our candy (some big balls for an eight year old). I guess I should've said yes, as one of the boys ended up eating them after their bedtime anyway. It was a fun night of sipping wine while watching all the kids run around with huge smiles on their faces. It was little bit of a bummer, as it was my first official year without either of my kids going. As much as I'd love it, I guess they can't stay little forever. With a senior and a freshman, that has been hitting me hard lately.

I met with the surgeon last week and finally was cleared to get rid of the God forsaken brace. As happy as I was to throw it in the dumpster, there were a lot of nerves (no pun intended) as well. That brace had held my head in place and up for six weeks. Removing it, meant muscles that hadn't been used in a long time, suddenly had to work. My neck does did not turn much at all, and my neck has been crazy sore, but there is a night and day difference between yesterday and today. There were a lot of good things that came out of the appointment, and anything that wasn't great - I'm choosing to not acknowledge. I will focus on the good and will get through it all. I am confident in that.  I've been cleared to go back to work on Monday. I will have been off of work, nearly 2 months. For a time, the weeks were the longest of my life, to suddenly - shit that went by quickly.

I have physical therapy 3x a week as I try to get back to some normalcy. I've had enough p/t over the past two years, to last the rest of my life - but this stint is by far the hardest. I'm so much weaker than I thought it was. It's like starting over with so many things. In addition to being in the brace, there were a lot of muscles that hadn't been used for quite some time leading up to the surgery - my neck just wasn't working. So, I'm getting my ass handed to me on things that don't even use weight. It's crazy. I really underestimated this whole journey, but I am giving this recovery all I have. On top of p/t, there are exercises I have to do 3x day. I've also really been trying to get steps in. I have definitely over done it a few times, and I have to reel myself back in with the walking at times, but I'm really proud of that part of it all. The plate in my neck is solid, so walking a lot isn't going to hurt anything, but I've gone as far as my body will let me at times. It's still in healing mode and my body has its limits.

There is the physical scar from the surgery and a couple emotional scars as well. Thank God, they are all beginning to fade. Time and distance from the ugliness of surgery and the place it can take you, will hopefully all go away one day. In an effort to move forward with everything (and finally being in a place physically to do it), there have been a couple of outings. Tuesday night, a friend and I decided that day - that we were going to see Theresa Caputo (the Long Island Medium) speak. I think I may have mentioned before, that getting ill, made me aware that some people may really have this gift. We lucked out with front row tickets and a lot of the readings were done right (literally) next to us. (My friend said I should've worn my neck brace, so she would come talk to me- haha!) Hearing Theresa bring peace and comfort to so many that were hurting was really a neat experience. She did come up to me right at the end and say, "Wasn't I going to talk to you?" I thought she was, because she made definite eye contact with me several times, but then the lady directly behind me, said it was her, and she got the reading.  She needed it more than me. One thing about being right in the middle of the action was, my friend and I were on the jumbotron A LOT. Let me tell you…..I was not pretty. I just kept thinking I look really fucking tired and fat…..I don't think the jumbotron does many people a lot of favors, but it wasn't easy to take in. I look tired, because I am. Sleeping doesn't go well, because I toss and turn, and I have a neck that's in constant pain - so I wake up often. It's hard to put together any good stretches of sleep. The weight…well, it is a lot higher than I wish it was. I finally got on the scale yesterday morning and only because I had a Dr. appointment later in the day and wanted to know. Honestly, I thought it would be much worse than it is. I might be up a few pounds from before the surgery, but going into it I wasn't happy with my weight. I take comfort in the fact, that living a more normal life is getting easier, and I'm making some better decisions now. It's also nice to be moving more. I'm excited to really get after this.

I met one of my very favorite people for lunch today. She's one of those people who always make me feel great about everything in my life. It's like she has a superpower and is so wonderful about spreading that around to so many. We are able to share whatever is going in our lives and try and work through our insecurities together. She ended our lunch date with, "The next time we meet, maybe we'll be able to figure it all out." I said, " Well, we didn't make any fucking progress today but maybe with help of wine - next time we'll solve all of the world's problems." So, here's to all of us and figuring it all out one step at a time. We are all in this together. Let's be the person that helps one another though it all. Cheers!

I'll leave you with a song I've heard tons of times over the years. Probably when it was released in the 70's and my mom had KSTK playing in the living room and again when it was re-released (I believe my junior year of h.s.) when Rod did it Unplugged. It's so funny how the meaning of music or how much the melody can speak to us in different ways over the years. I heard this recently and fell in love with it all over again. I bought it (yes, I'm probably the only person on the planet who still buys music on iTunes) when I recently made the CDs for my friend. Thank God for making CDs for other people, because I'm too cheap to purchase music otherwise. I do, however, keep a list of music I want on my phone, and then when it's mixed tape time, I'll finally break down and get it. Enjoy.
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~Jen

Happy Friday! It's a great day to win 970 Million dollars….How nuts is that? I'm usually playing these large drawings with coworkers, but I'm not back at work - so I guess I'll have to figure out how to spend that kinda money all by my lonesome. Challenge, accepted! Actually, I love doing this with the people I work with. It's always so fun to listen to how having money could change their life (from the dream of living on an island to the things that move you to tears). Right now, I just think how nice it would be to not have to rush back to work after I get this brace off. I wouldn't need to win the whole jackpot for that. I'm not greedy. I'd take 970,000.

This week has been much better than the previous weeks. I'm less sore, and the mind is finally less cloudy. Hey, I've even stuck to my normal hair hschedule. I've been lucky enough to spend a lot of time with Brian (when he was off) and different friends. Getting out of the house is huge, and thankfully, I've felt less like a freak show when in public. I'm quite a ways from 100%, but in these last couple of weeks I have had a few 9,000+ step days. Funny enough, pre-surgery, I thought I'd be hitting 10k steps a day in week 2. Ha…so naïve in so many ways… I've even had to adjust my thinking for when this brace comes off (hopefully Wednesday!). My body is forcing me to listen, and I am. I will say that I'm stoked to hike, though. They will be shorter hikes than I'm used to, and the thought of a challenging hike is overwhelming…but it is so close  - I can smell it. Sitting at home, honestly sometimes my skin crawls…like I can actually feel it crawling. It makes me nuts. I have to remember that feeling when I'm 100% and want to be lazy.

I made a CD for a friend's birthday. Yes, this shows my age, and I could give a shit. I hadn't made a CD in quite some time. I wish it were as easy as it sounds - but son of a bitch if iTunes doesn't always throw some wrenches in there, and I had to do something to my computer just to make it work. From there, I was inspired. I made some CDs for another friend. It brings me happiness to make something that I know someone will enjoy, and she always does. While burning her CDs, iTunes again threw in a wrench, and it would burn the wrong playlists. Thank God for a new fangled thing called Google, so I could find a way around it (and for enough time on my hands that I had the patience to do so). I worked on finding the joy this past week. I was glad to be in a place where I could do so. I knew how important it was for my own mental wellness. Doing things that brought me peace and happiness, became my mission for the week. I'm grateful it has helped in a lot of ways.

I have the normal nerves I think most people would have about my appointment with the surgeon next week. I know the surgery has helped in a lot of ways, and I am stoked about that, knowing things will only continue to improve. The thing is…my neck still does not turn - less than before the surgery. I found this by accident while driving. Then, I tested it yesterday. I know I'm not supposed to yet, but I truly feel I'm at a point where it was okay to try that once. It may just be that the muscles are tight or weak from being in the brace 99% of the time for the past 5 weeks, and I pray that's it. It has to be.

I had a lot of anxiety about the posts I've done since the surgery. I know they have been raw, but that is the place I've been in. I especially second guessed the last post. Trust me in, nobody wants to write things like that. It's not an attention I seek. Yet, you have validated why I write like I do. I don't want anyone to feel like they are alone - because they/you are not. The honesty I've felt/heard from some of you this week, has truly touched me. Touched me, because you trust me with the things you had chosen to keep inside. It is so important to let those things out. That's what this blog does for me. I often write about the things I don't talk about with anyone. This is my way to let it out. We all need a way to let it out. It is critical for our self-care.

We all have our obstacles, our goals, and winding roads we are trying to navigate. I've been thinking a lot of about this and really, truly how lucky I am that my obstacles are so minor in the grand scheme of things. I honestly believe I will end up recovered from nearly all of these current issues. I'm blessed beyond measure. My Uncle Chris lived his whole life with cerebral palsy. He always gave life his all, and did things people never thought he'd be able to. Uncle Chris had a real spunk about him. He passed away, unexpectedly, at the end of last week. Since his passing, I have this video in my head, of him running, and talking with ease - of him laughing with my Grandma Mona and Aunt May. Uncle Chris is finally able to do the things we take for granted every day (I'm so very guilty of this). I can't wait to one day play Go Fish again with him, and I know, we will both still cheat and laugh our asses off about it. Please go out and live your life to the fullest today, no matter what that means for you. We owe it to ourselves, and the many people we love, who have lost the privileges we are so very blessed with.

I will leave you with a song by an artist that a friend recently insisted I listen to - and she was right - this gal is phenomenal. I love the lyrics to this song.
​
~Jen

There is something amiss in the house. Jesse has been super affectionate since last night. She snuggled up to me at bedtime and didn't leave my side for quite a while. This morning, I fed her, but she came back to bed - again snuggling. When I came out to the living room, she jumped on the couch - once again, laying with her head right next to my lap. I've moved to another seat while I write, but she has remained out here, snoring away. I'm a little afraid I have some terminal disease or something she's picking up on. She is typically not much for affection. When I got sick, was underfoot for a while, knowing something was wrong. After this surgery, she's just been pissed that I can't take her for walks. Let me tell you, she wouldn't make a great therapy dog. I say all of this in jest (mostly), but I am loving this side of her. She is my little partner in crime, and I love her to death. 

I would love to write that everything is going swimmingly, but in all honesty, depression came with the surgery and doesn't want to let go.  Nobody wants to hear that side of it. People will text with good intentions, and they just want to hear that you're good - hearing someone isn't doing well is just uncomfortable. It's just human nature. I get it. It's what I want to hear from people when I check in on them. We want the people we love to be crushing life, to be enjoying every moment. Depression has shown its ugliness in different ways.  It has fed on the physical pain, the sleep deprivation, the vulnerabilities, the fear, the loneliness that comes with surgery. I think most people who have had surgery and/or illeness can relate in some way or another. It's of enough concern that it was a big topic, as part of the pre-op instructions. It was the only part of the pre-op appointment that they spoke directly to Brian, as if I weren't there. "She will need to get out and walk. Walk as much as she can. It's important to get some sun. Get her out as much as possible. It is necessary in keeping the spirits up. They will be low."  Of course, I wasn't worried too much about it - after going through all I had with the illness, I knew I could never be that low again - after all, it wasn't mental illness it was caused by physical illness. Haha....while true in a lot of ways, I should've called me out on my own bullshit. Depression is something that lives within me. I work with it all the time. I do things to stave it off. It's something I'll always have to address, and yes, since the illness, I haven't had a true blue bout with it.  Even now, through everything, I like to think I'm stronger than it, that I'm weak when it comes to visit. In fact, this time around, I keep focusing on the mental and physical improvements. Thank God, I am no longer spending entire days crying. Thank God, I'm not in terrible pain. It sucks that's what I have to measure against, but it is the truth. Also, the truth, is that I realized yesterday that I hadn't washed my hair in 5 days. (It is not comfortable, but I was much better about it in the beginning). I only realized this, after I was having the fight with myself in the morning to go brush my teeth. That's typically one of the first things I do, when I get up. Lately....every little thing is a struggle. It's funny, because I was reading "Girl, Wash Your Face," when all of this finally became apparent to me - when I finally admitted to myself, how much I've been struggling. I'm guessing there would be some sort of copyright infringement if I wrote, "Girl Wash Your Hair."

I write about these things, because I know I'm not alone, even when feeling my loneliest. You've told me I'm not alone. The words so many of you have written to me, make me feel like it is my duty to write my truth, no matter how painful.

This is my truth, but it does not mean, I don't try to fight it. I say try, because sometimes, winning is simply getting up from the near fetal position to feed my dog. Other times, it means, getting out and walking, when I don't want to do a fucking thing. I know I have to get better. I hate feeling like I do. It's like a weighted blanket, that I feel now, even as I type. I feel it in my heavy arms and eyes.  I'm so lucky in that I've come through the worst and I'm at a point where I plan how I will fight it. As backwards as this is, this morning, it meant driving thru McDonald's. I know McDonald's is unhealthy as fuck - but I drove....which I haven't done much of (only cleared for very short drives), and I can't wear the brace when driving. Driving is far from comfortable for me at this point. Still, to be able to turn on the radio and do something so small. Tomorrow is a big day for me, Brian and I are going to Costco. I planned this last week. Being in a car for long, is not easy yet (even as a passenger- just uncomfortable), but I need to do things that make me feel more human. I love Costco - way more than any person should. It's about an hour and a half from here, and I know the day will wipe me out, but I need this. Each day, I plan things that will hopefully bring me out of this. I read and started watching Ozark (but really binge watching t.v. is just a way to escape, and I need to tackle) - so I don't watch many in a row. Yesterday, I spoke with two friends on the phone. They are both people that are really good for my soul. I hadn't told one of them about the surgery yet, so she was a bit shocked, but as always, we had a wonderful conversation with laughter and tears. We just get each other. I'm not entirely sure why I am unable to reach out a lot of the time. I think it's because I've started to think of myself as damaged goods and a burden. I want to be funny....someone people like to be around...being like this....well, it's not what anyone wants. Those friends were good medicine. I think the strength for me to make that call, and the other called me after some texts - started after a good morning. A friend of mine turned 49 yesterday, and she had taken the day off of work. She had asked if I would walk with her and then go to breakfast. I was honored to spend part of her day with her. She's a great person, and has a true, authentic view on life. We have planned for some fun things in her slide to 50. Getting out of the house goes a long way for me. I feel bad, that it always requires people coming to get me, and that I'm still limited on what I can and can't do, but big breath, it is a help, and I am trying to help myself.

I made comment to my friend that I know a lot of people with birthdays this week. She pointed out that Oct 6 is the most popular birthday - apparently because of NYE. You learn something new every day.

My friend bought Ed Sheeran tickets last October. The concert is next weekend in Minneapolis. I had been excited for the girls trip and concert for the past year. I'm unable to go, as the travel would be too much. If the concert were in Chicago, I would be all over it. A weekend away is just too much. I have been good about realizing a lot of what I can and can't do. I'm also unable to Caleb's meet this weekend, which is heartbreaking. Earlier this week, I did do too much, and had to dial things back again. Having so many limitations has been especially tough in my fight against depression. A lot of the ways I work through things are physical: hiking, cleaning, concerts, adventure. I'm having to find new, sedentary ways to work through things....a brain that replays the same things over and over.

I try and focus on the great things in my life. Brian is just coming off a week of working nights. I'm always so nervous when he works that schedule, because he's so tired and has so much driving. I'm glad we'll be able to spend time together today and tomorrow. Although, I'm sad about missing the meet, I'm also glad he and Cal will have that time together. They boys are both dong well, and make me proud in a lot of ways. Jesse is suddenly full of rainbows and sunshine. My good friend has been hoping to adopt through foster care and just had the cutest kids come to stay with them (4 months old and 5 years). A lot of people I love have birthdays this week (including my sister).  Again, although I'm unable to do Ed Sheeran, I'm happy for my friend, who deserves that wonderful weekend. The list, goes on and on. I think about these and many other things every day. I think about how I'm getting better and my neck is healing every day. In 2 weeks, I should have this brace off. I should be able to move my neck and have my independence back. 

Life isn't always as easy as we'd like it to be. My struggles don't even begin to touch what so many are going through right now - unimaginable pains.  It's not as easy as it sounds - pulling out of it. There is no "snap out of it." We all wish it were that easy. Still, we fight, because we are worth fighting for - our relationships are worth fighting for. So, if you are in a dark place, please know you are loved. Know someone understands and is here if you ever want to talk.

​~Jen

From some of the greats: I've been uptight and made a mess. But I'll clean it up myself I guess. Oh, the sweet smell of success. Handle me with care.

Take a deep breath - you made it to Friday! Honestly, I get my days confused a lot these days. The surgery on my neck, was 3 weeks ago yesterday. The days just kind of blend into one another, when you aren't working. Thankfully, I have a lot to look forward to today, and actually know it's Friday. My friend is taking me to A Star is Born tonight. The Kris Kristofferson (I soooo love that man) and Barbara Streisand version is one of my all-time, very favorite movies. I'm really limited on what I can do, so I watch A LOT of television. I've seen like ten billion interviews and commercials leading up to this new version. I must say, I've drank the kool-aid. I've super stoked for this and believe it will be wonderful. I'm looking forward to getting out of the house in a huge way.

As I've written about, I had a lot of nerves (no pun intended) about the surgery working, how much was in my head, worrying we were fixing the wrong thing, etc. Nobody could seem to agree on what was causing what. It does make you feel crazy. Thank God, I have a primary care physician who was dogged in helping me get answers. When I was told I needed surgery, they said there was no way to know until they got in there if my weakness would be fixed - concerns of the nerve being too damaged. That was really hard to hear, but I chose to believe it would be fixed. More than anything, my strength has been my biggest concern. I was also told I had another area of my neck that would likely need surgery, but it could be next year or 20 years from now. Okay…again, nobody wants to hear that but you choose to believe  you may never need it. The pre-op appointment was the day before surgery. I again expressed how important it was that I get my strength back. This time, the doctor pulled his chair up right in front of mine, looking me directly in the eyes - telling me my nerve was smashed. That it was going to be a long road to get my strength back to my baseline, and that the baseline was my strength that day, not what it was before. I was crushed…..He reminded me again, that the surgery would assure it wouldn't get worse….The possibility of another surgery, then turned to, "You need another surgery on your neck, and this surgery may not fix everything." It hurts my heart to even write this. I came out of that appointment, feeling so sad….

The surgeon said it all went well. There were three nerves bunched behind the disc. They removed the disc, freeing my nerves, removed bones spurs and added a plate with four screws. I must admit, I was completely unprepared for the physical pain and emotion pain that would come with surgery. I knew there would be pain - I've had knee surgery. This, however, flattened me.

The first week the pain was truly unbearable a lot of times. I lived on painkillers and muscle relaxers. I remember it was being truly miserable, but there's probably a lot about that first week I don't even remember. The pain (which was centralized mostly at the surgery point in the back of my neck) began to improve, but then the pain changed and moved to my shoulder and arm. My arm swelled, and was put on steroids to knock down the inflammation and swelling, etc. The nerves were angry, and I was feeling all of it. The second day on steroids, was great. The pain was much better, and I felt like I had really turned a corner. I went off of the painkillers and muscle relaxers thinking everything had been fixed through the steroids. Holy shit was I wrong. I went through the withdrawals of the painkillers but pain returned, and I had to make the really difficult decision to start them again. In the first week, I slept a lot. I would take 2-3 naps a day and sleep at night. There is no great sleep when you're in pain and in a neck brace, but it was sleep. The steroids then stole my sleep. I've been off of them for over a week, and my sleep is still fucked up. I could no longer nap, and one night, I got less than 3 hours. So, I was on painkillers (downers), muscle relaxers that make you drowsy and steroids that take away sleep. I felt every bit of it. I only took the painkillers a couple more days, but even so, that week was incredibly dark. Had I not been through the potassium issue, I would not have known what this kind of darkness was like. I just kept telling myself it would pass, but it grabbed hold of me and wasn't letting go. I was very upset by some people that I love that were not there for me during this time (surgery - on). I am not proud of dwelling on it or how much I've done for others and feeling so abandon in my time of need. Again, it's unbecoming. I despise self-pity, but it owned me for those days. Still, there are some parts of that, that sting. I was worried I would come out of this, a changed person. Why would I do things for people, if people aren't there for me? Thank God, I no longer feel this way. If anything, I come out of this with even more empathy, than I had before.

I turned that corner I had been praying for at the end of last week. There has been steady improvement every day. There was even a day this week that I didn't take Tylenol (that shit is nasty and can't wait to stop - but I am not able to take ibuprofen for a few months yet). There are definite, huge improvements that are already evident- post surgery. My left hand did not work right, and there were certain things I could not do. I could do them the next day. The shaking has stopped, and I no longer worry about things slipping from my hand. I do panic a little, the couple of times I've fumbled things - but I think that's more of my being clumsy or things still working themselves out. Per instructions of surgeon, I cannot lift my arms above my shoulders. I can't lift heavy things or push or pull anything. The neck brace is on at all times, exception showering, so I don't know how well I can turn my neck yet. The pain has gone way down on those accidental time that I turn, and I really do feel improvements every single day. My follow up to see if I can return to work is 10/24. I have every confidence that everything will be a go at that time, and I can get rid of this godforsaken brace. I can't wait to turn my neck and see where my strength is. I do believe I will get my strength back. I will be stronger than ever. Before surgery, I had this thought that after my 6 weeks, I could return to boot camp or do this or that. Reality has reared its ugly head. I respect my body and what it's going through. It is supposed to be a 6 month recovery time, and I can see that now. I do look forward to continually improving, though, just as I am right now.

When you're home with orders to rest (and walk - and I'm rocking that part), there is a lot of time for reflection. Some might say - too much time. I'm not supposed to clean, do laundry, vacuum, etc., so it's all a little maddening. I am doing some cooking, though. Last night I made a nice dinner and pancakes this morning. When doing things, there is great care to not overdo it, though. Really, for the last 11 months or so, I've been sick on some level or another (at least I knew something was wrong last November). It does take its toll. I'm not as strong as I thought I was before going through all of this. I have so much respect for those who fight through their ailments. Legit. There are some true warriors out there. In fact, I'm sure there are people we know, that are fighting for their lives right now, and we have no idea. After ending up in the hospital in April and being told I could have died (I do not say that lightly…. I do not talk about that part of it), this journey has been frustrating. I've been hard on myself, knowing I got a second chance at life but still knowing things weren't right. I think a lot of those things have been fixed with this surgery.

I'm grateful this all started when I was at my lowest weight and healthiest, physically. I think that saved my life. Still, since the hospital I've gained weight. I have beat myself up over and over about it. After all of this self-abuse, I finally have some clarity. It was a year ago, that I went on my first zip line, after being too heavy to do it in Maui. That moment was huge for me. It was huge that my best friend recognized what it meant to me and made it happen. As sick as I was, in February, I again zip lined, even jumping off the platform backwards (and I'm a total chicken shit). It is time to celebrate how far I've come. I am much heavier now, than I wish I was, but I will get control of it again. I certainly haven't been eating well since surgery, but 6 days a week, I have been making my fresh smoothies and adding Juice Plus to it. It is a way of taking care of my body. I've been drinking shit tons of water, and now that I 'm more able, I'm going to work on healthy recipes. I do want to lose the weight, but I'm in no race. I'm more concerned with rewarding my body for saving me. I haven't been on a scale in over a month. I don't know when I'll get on one again. I recognize I have a lot of work to do on myself mentally and physically. It is a work in progress. I'm excited to be healthy - and getting back to a smaller pant size will feel great.

I mentioned the feeling of abandonment, but the fact of the matter is - there have been many people here for us. From texts, cards, meals, visits, etc., it has all meant so much. I have this friend who works more than anyone I know. She is in the medical field, and she cares so much about her patients - it really runs her life in a lot of ways. She is always working. She took Monday off after working many days in a row. She is not one to take time off, and I'm proud of her for taking a day for herself. On her one day off….she came and took me to lunch in a neighboring town, came back and picked up my dog, so we could go out to her property. My dog was in 7th heaven out there. We made some pumpkin bars from pumpkins she'd grown and gathered fresh eggs. It was everything I needed. It was the best medicine. It means so much, that she chose to spend her very precious personal time with me. There have been wonderful moments like that, and those things will stay with me forever. So, when we are at our lowest low and feeling sorry for ourselves and wondering why we put ourselves out there- why we are there for people….it' s because we have the power to change, like in my case on Monday, a really hard day for someone and turn it around. When people are hurting, they are at their most vulnerable. Let's be the person who helps in whatever way we can, no matter how big or small. We are all human. We are all imperfect, but we can choose to be good. Let's do that.

Okay, time to wake up. I'll let you go. I needed to write. I finally got to a place where I could. This is home for me. Thanks for being here. Have a wonderful weekend.

I'll leave you with this wonderful new song I've discovered with all of the television I've been watching. It's by Rita Wilson (Tom Hanks wife), who knew? Fantastic lyrics.
​
~Jen

I saved this saying a long time ago. I go back and forth all the time, in knowing that I give myself away for others all the time - to feeling like the most selfish person that ever existed. I guess there's a bit of that in all of us. I don't know that I'll ever figure out how to reconcile it, though. A friend of mine pointed out that I put others first, last weekend. It's not the first time she's mentioned it to me. I know she's right. I'd heard something similar from another friend the weekend before. I wish I were wired differently. I truly do.

I changed my eating habits 4 weeks ago. I also started drinking shit tons of water. I've always known how important it is, but I've never really gotten after it. I bought a 30 oz. water bottle, and that was really instrumental in getting me to drink more. It's an easy way for me to track my intake. If you're struggling, you should try it. I'm averaging about 120-150 oz a day. I still don't love it, but I get a real satisfaction each time I finish the 30 oz bottle. I also added some fresh juice to my diet. I use what I have on hand (but always make sure to have celery as that is supposed to really help with high BP), and it normally doesn't taste the greatest - since I'm just randomly throwing things in ther. It does feel really good to know that I'm getting those nutrients, though. My addiction to food is always there, but it all is getting easier - the longer I do this. I remember this from my very long run of eating healthy, also. I've passed up a lot of really yummy looking foods. The other day, I gave away this giant, fresh, macadamia nut cookie. I thought about it for 3 days after. Food is a true head fuck for me. It's just the thing that's always the most comforting, and soothing to me. I was down 1 1/2 pounds this week. I was disappointed with it, knowing how well I ate, but I had to put it all in perspective - I'm down 8 pounds in 4 weeks. I'm never going to be the person that has giant numbers, but I am determined, and I know I'll get back to where I need to be - eventually. Celebrating 8 pounds in four weeks, would be so much easier, if I didn't look back at my weight chart and was reminded that I put on 6 pounds in a week not so long ago. I can put it on so fast....which is why I have to turn down that macadamia nut cookie - it could lead to 3, and then soda (off for nearly 2 weeks now), and then fast food....and on and on. Food addiction is a bitch. I've found myself, once again, obsessed with My 600 Pound Life. It is a motivator for me, and it's nice to feel like I can relate to people (even if on t.v.) when it comes to food.

I really need to appreciate that 1 1/2 pounds also, because it was done with very little exercise. I have been in a lot of pain in these past weeks (and terrible headaches). Last week was especially bad. My body was done, and I had to listen to it. Being in pain like that, wears a bitch out. It was early bedtime every single night. My sleep is then fucked up, because I go to sleep too early and end up waking up at 3. Or, I toss and turn all night, because I'm in pain, and every time I move - it makes it worse. I've never had to deal with pain in this way before. It's a real MOFO.

I've mentioned that my recovery from the potassium deficiency has not been smooth. It has been a real struggle. Mostly, I've doubted myself - I've felt crazy. There haven't been easy answers. Things probably would have been different, if I hadn't had the stomach issues (and ended up going through colonoscopy and endoscopy) to find that it was all mostly caused by stress. I've never been able to forgive myself for dealing with things the way I did/do. I should've been able to deal with it better. So, going through all of that, knowing that the real pain was caused by my head - causing my colon to spasm, sucks. So, I came out of the very real potassium issue that way fucked me up to not rebounding the way the doctors expected. The most prominent thing, was my weakness. I came out of it much weaker than before I ended up in the hospital. I've felt like it's an overall weakness, but the left side was much more affected. When the answers for that, didn't come right away - again I doubted myself. I would try to do things, chastising myself, saying this is in my head- you can do this. I can't even do basic things with my left hand, and all signs have pointed to neurological issues. I know I didn't have a stroke, but my body responds like I did. I've hated every second of it....being weak, feeling weak minded, feeling bat shit crazy.... I did physical therapy, which was not good for me. That's when the pain really started. We knew I had bone spurs and a significant deteriorated disc, and the hope was the p/t would make things better, but really it awakened too much. I had about a week to 10 days during it when it looked like it might help (post epidural in my neck), when I began to be able to move my neck better, but then nearly everything actually got worse. Then thing is, I probably started feeling the affects of the potassium issue in November, so for months I was out of touch with my body, until it finally got to the point where I couldn't move.  I came out of that, to a body that is weak. With all of this, I'm really out of touch with my body. I would complain about how difficult my new SUV was to see out of, but after I could actually move my neck for that week, I realized it was that I hadn't been able to move my neck in so long and didn't know it. The good news is, I'll be having surgery on my neck on the 13th. My prayer is that it fixes the things they believe it will, as well as the things that haven't made sense. The biggest concern (I mean outside of the scary parts of having surgery), is they have no idea if my strength will come back. There is concern that the nerve might be irreversibly damaged already. I do not have these specific shooting pains in one area, and the doctors have been surprised by this....so this concerns me that I'm not having them, because that nerve is already dead. Hopefully that is all wrong, and everything comes back. Because - the thought of not getting my strength or grip back is really too much for me to take. I'm certainly no doctor, though, and hopefully it all gets restored. 

I've been holding so much in, that I could write for hours - but I've spent too much time on heavy things. I will tell you - that I did finally get my garage door fixed (the damn thing nearly caused divorce). The repairman was a couple of hours late, and about five minutes after he arrived - he asked to use our bathroom - where he proceeded to take a dump over the next half an hour. When he finally finished, he asked if he could smoke while he worked. The whole thing really was comical, but we can look past all of that, as we have a door that now automatically opens. Thank God. I couldn't do that now.

I wish you a fantastic week - leading up to a 3 day weekend. We all have obstacles, and I know mine are so minor compared to many, but we all have to figure out our own, best ways through these obstacle courses called - life. We can do it...I know we can.

~Jen
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For the first time in months, I've put together a good week and a half of healthy diet and walking. In reality that's really not all that long, but son of a bitch, if it doesn't feel like it is. I want to see immediate results, but I know that's not how it works. It seems as if I put on a bunch of weight overnight, but really - it happened over many months. I can't expect to lose it all at once, but we all want instant gratification. I long to look down and see this stomach gone again. The great new is, I'm not starting all the way over. This is all manageable. I'm disgusted that I gained as much as I did, but the only thing I can do about it, is change it all now. I was down 4 pounds 4 ounces over the past week. I'll take it! Of course….I know I was capable of more, and I replay some of the decisions I made over and over…but I'm a total work in progress that way. I've gone back to counting calories. I really hate it, but it's a necessary evil. I know how to eat right, and if I was totally in the zone - I wouldn't need to track. I'm not there yet. I don't trust myself. At the same time, I cheat where I can, and I know that's what I'm doing. I bought cans of Pepsi, so that when I broke down, I'd only be consuming 150 calories, instead of the 250 in a bottle. I did that one time….and I was pissed it took away from my food. I'm trying to work within 1400 calories, so every one counts. The rebel (and blooming idiot) in me, then went to Diet Coke. I haven't had a lot of it, but I should have zero. I know the stuff is poison. Still, I'm playing the calorie game, and that's stupid. I have really upped my water intake, though. I'm averaging about 110 ounces a day. By far, that's the most I've ever consistently drank. It feels good. I normally battle water retention, but I'm keeping myself flushed, and it's helping a great deal.

Also, today is Day 15 without any alcohol. A friend (43 days ago) decided to quit drinking for a year.  I was texting her one night about it (while drinking) - telling her how proud I was of her - when she suggested I do it, too (only 21 days). In my head, I scoffed at her - pffftt, it's summer! Still, it stuck with me, and a couple of mutual friends and I talked about her accomplishment. One of my friends said we should do the 21 days, but I was still thinking, fuck to the no, it's summer! When they decided to do it, I said I would join them. Really, I did it to support them…I mean…there was no real reason for me to stop…. Day 1 was the day I had 4 appointments in one day, including the epidural in my neck. I soooo wanted to make it all go away with a glass of wine. Day 2 (in my head….) was the day after all of those appointments and stress. I went to the grocery store and didn't walk to the wine section. I love looking at wine and knew I couldn't be trusted. The first four days were torture. Telling me I can't have something, makes me want it more. Most importantly, as the days went on, I realized how much I'd been using drinking to deal with my anxiety. I'm never considered myself an alcoholic. I'm not a daily drinker, although it had been much more often since I started getting sick, and since. When I drank beer, I only drank socially. We had a keg-o-rater at one point, and I never once just poured a beer to enjoy by myself. Wine on the other hand, has become a completely different animal. I love everything about it: the way it relaxes me, make me more social, helps me sleep, the taste, the beauty of it, the warmth, and on and on. My problem wasn't in the social drinking, it was drinking alone. It became a crutch to a certain extent. So, this little exercise in not drinking has been really good for me. I hope I've thrown that crutch away. Now, don't get me wrong - I'll drink again soon. I do love it. I just don't plan to depend on it. The last ten days have been much easier than the first five (even through dinner with friends who were drinking, wedding receptions, BBQ's, etc), but some shit I've been able to push down and avoid through alcohol - now demands my attention. I can't hide from it. My sleep has suffered, and I have a lot of work to do on myself. Still, I'm at least aware of it…the same way I'm aware of how I use food….alcohol and food can smell a shit show from a mile away. Oh, and by the way - my friends folded on Day 12, so I'm especially proud of continuing on - if they would have folded earlier, I would have followed them.

A friend and I check in with each other nightly to see how our day went with food and exercise. It's a really nice accountability piece. I screen shot her My Fitness Pal for the day, and we compare. She is much more disciplined than me when it comes to food. For the most part, she doesn't even hit 1200 calories. She and I started gaining about the same time, for similar, but different reasons. I have a shit ton of admiration for this woman. She not only is climbing a metaphorical mountain, but she's running up it - barefoot.

I'm back :) Took Jesse for a walk with a friend and her dog. 13,000 steps for the day -which makes me happy for a weekday.

I'm back again…Cal gave me a rundown of the first half of season 4 of Dawson's Creek.

While driving home tonight, I heard this song that always kicks my ass. Thankfully it wasn't a commercial hit, so I only hear it every six months or so - by accident. I remember my blue tooth just coming on randomly while driving to my first ever evaluation (to the place I weighed in at for that year and a half or so). I was a blubbering mess on that drive. Ugh. The song has that kind of power. Tonight I was driving Brian's car and flipped it over to CD, and it came on some old mix CD I had in there. This time, I felt like I was going to puke, though. No tears, just nausea. #progress  Anyway, I've been loving on this new song, and she sings about how good she is except for every time I hear that song. I always thought for me - there's thousands of songs that bring different emotions - since music is such a big part of me. Anyway, I was reminded tonight, that there really is that one song. I hope you like Every Time I hear that Song, I think we can all relate, whether we have that one or a thousand.

I would like to leave you with a request….I ask that you pray for Cori and her family. Cori lost her husband, suddenly, to an accident. Cori is one of us. I first met her through boot camp and this blog. She has been a big supporter, even promoting it on FB, without me asking. She is a really genuine soul, and I like her a great deal. When I saw her at the visitation, she asked all sorts of questions about how I was feeling. In a nutshell, that's the kind of person she is. I can't imagine the depths of her loss, and feel so much for her and her girls. Please keep them, as well, as her husband Randy in your prayers. Thank you so much.

~Jen

I saw a meme with this tree last week, saying something about how the tree never gave up (the text didn’t save for some reason). I put it in my phone for the blog, and saw this other tree in Colorado last weekend. I think it’s too much to be a coincidence. Let’s be a mother fucking tree.

Happy Friday! I had a short work week, but it still felt incredibly long. We returned home from vacation at 1:45 A.M. on Tuesday morning. That same morning, I had an 8:15 A.M. Dr appointment with labs, work for a couple hours, MRI, appt with Spine Center, and then another appt to have a cervical steroid epidural on my neck (and yes, it hurt like a mother fucker – and is still sore). It certainly wasn’t the best planning, but when dealing with doctors, we are often at their mercy.

We had a quick weekend out to Colorado to spend it with the bff and her husband. It was Brian’s first trip out there, and we were always on the go. I was happy he finally got to see what I’ve been raving about (CO). As always, I loved spending time with the bff – and it was good for our husbands to get together.

The summer has been busy with lots of fun, summer type stuff. There has been some great concerts, a Broadway musical, and time with friends and family. As always, I feel spread too thin, but the bigger part of me always wants to live life for every second. I’ve always been that way, but getting sick has even added to that…it’s funny how much it has stayed with me…. A few weeks after I started at my job, a woman came back to work and immediately introduced herself. She had just returned from surgery on a herniated disc in her neck (of all things), and we instantly connected. She just opened up, and it was as if she were speaking for me (not knowing anything about me). She’s a bit older than me but spoke about what her injury did to her, menopause and how it’s affected her whole life, etc. It was so nice to hear someone just speak her truth without thought. She saw me the next day and apologized for what she considered ramblings of personal issues. Of course, I told her how much appreciated her and her openness. I don’t have any illusions of us being great, personal friends or anything (I am honestly not looking for something like that in my life right now), but it’s wonderful to know that someone, who understands, is there. When we see each other for our brief moments, they are meaningful.

Speaking of a plate that is overly full, I’m writing from my new laptop. The teenagers have thrashed my other one, and it is too big for me to carry around and work from. I bought this new one, so I could work on the blog more often and the book. The funny thing is, I bought it a few weeks ago, and this is the first time I’ve had time to use it. I’ve finished reading through the last professional edit on the book and have been making some adjustments. For the first time, in quite a while, I’m excited about the book – on some levels – really excited. A childhood friend asked to read it, and she did a lot to help give my confidence back. She couldn’t put it down and blamed me for keeping her up nights, reading. She had the same responses and some of my initial beta readers, and that made my soul happy to have written it.

So, I’ve briefly summed up my summer, but what is missing – is the most important part: good health. I have been off the rails in some really big ways. There are moments of healthy eating in there (a lot of smoothies, periods of no soda), but I have fallen off hard recently. I’m at a time in my life, where I should be doing everything to the tee. My body has and is going through some shit, and I need to treat it with the respect and love it deserves. Instead, I let my head get to me, and turn to food. A couple of weeks ago, I finally followed up with the spine Dr. on my neck MRI. I’ve got a good sized herniated disc, along with a lot of other crap (some that was there last year and some new). The professionals all seem to have different reasons for how the weakness started when I got sick or others with how it would have no relation to what happened. I do know, nothing was this bad before I ended up in the E.R. In addition, though, I really can’t be sure if some of it wasn’t happening before. I was so out of touch with my body, but I was so sick, I had no idea. I kept pushing and pushing….and pushing when there was nothing there. Anyway, the surgeon seems to think I need surgery, but for insurance reasons, physical therapy is required first. I am hoping that the p/t helps and pushes it off – but surgery does appear to be inevitable. I didn’t take any of it well…how weak I still am….and the outlook  -and of course – when I needed to treat my body well, didn’t. Although, I’m limited on some of the things I can do or how long I can last or push, there’s no reason for me to do as little as I have been. I’ve been wallowing, and that’s not me….it’s bullshit, and I’m trying to turn it all around. I mean, really….I’m writing this on a Friday night…with no wine in hand…

Jesse and I are going hiking with a friend and her dog tomorrow morning. I’m stoked, but at the same time, quite sore from p/t tonight and worried about being the girl that holds them up. I worked hard to not be that girl, so it sucks to be back here. I also plan on going Sunday as well. I’m hoping the natural vitamin D, fresh air, and genuine love for the outdoors will catapult me into a great week. I really need it. I hate the weight gain, and it’s all on me….I did this to myself. I’m the only one that can undo it.

I plan on doing some real meal prep work on Sunday. I have to start making time for these things, that mean the most. I’m never going to succeed if I don’t put the time and energy into it all – walking and good food. I’ll never quite understand why we don’t always do this…..we are worth it, right? We should take care of ourselves in every way. A lot of people talk to me  about their mental struggles or dietary issues. I always wish they could see what I see in them. I want them to see how they deserve the very best – and should give that to themselves. One of the people I love the most, reached out to me this week, about her struggles. This woman….she is one of a kind. When people know her, they remember her. She has the energy and glow about her. Everyone wants to be her friend. I wish I could capture that somehow, so I could show it to her. As you get ready to head into another over-filled week, I hope you stop and remember to take care of yourself first. I’ll promise to do it, if you do. After all, we are pretty bad ass and deserve great things.
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Here’s to a great weekend and week. How blessed are we to be who and where we are? Cheers with my water bottle (party foul – I know).
Jen
I’m not crazy. I’m just a little unwell. I know, right now you can’t tell. But stay a while, and maybe then you’ll see – a different side of me.