Happy Thursday - here's hoping you were able to steal of few pieces of candy from your kids! I mean, it's not healthy, so you're really just looking out for them. We started the night with 300 mini candy bars. (Okay…maybe 290 after Cal and I hit it). We ended the night with 6. The last trick-or-treater asked if he could just take the rest of our candy (some big balls for an eight year old). I guess I should've said yes, as one of the boys ended up eating them after their bedtime anyway. It was a fun night of sipping wine while watching all the kids run around with huge smiles on their faces. It was little bit of a bummer, as it was my first official year without either of my kids going. As much as I'd love it, I guess they can't stay little forever. With a senior and a freshman, that has been hitting me hard lately.

I met with the surgeon last week and finally was cleared to get rid of the God forsaken brace. As happy as I was to throw it in the dumpster, there were a lot of nerves (no pun intended) as well. That brace had held my head in place and up for six weeks. Removing it, meant muscles that hadn't been used in a long time, suddenly had to work. My neck does did not turn much at all, and my neck has been crazy sore, but there is a night and day difference between yesterday and today. There were a lot of good things that came out of the appointment, and anything that wasn't great - I'm choosing to not acknowledge. I will focus on the good and will get through it all. I am confident in that.  I've been cleared to go back to work on Monday. I will have been off of work, nearly 2 months. For a time, the weeks were the longest of my life, to suddenly - shit that went by quickly.

I have physical therapy 3x a week as I try to get back to some normalcy. I've had enough p/t over the past two years, to last the rest of my life - but this stint is by far the hardest. I'm so much weaker than I thought it was. It's like starting over with so many things. In addition to being in the brace, there were a lot of muscles that hadn't been used for quite some time leading up to the surgery - my neck just wasn't working. So, I'm getting my ass handed to me on things that don't even use weight. It's crazy. I really underestimated this whole journey, but I am giving this recovery all I have. On top of p/t, there are exercises I have to do 3x day. I've also really been trying to get steps in. I have definitely over done it a few times, and I have to reel myself back in with the walking at times, but I'm really proud of that part of it all. The plate in my neck is solid, so walking a lot isn't going to hurt anything, but I've gone as far as my body will let me at times. It's still in healing mode and my body has its limits.

There is the physical scar from the surgery and a couple emotional scars as well. Thank God, they are all beginning to fade. Time and distance from the ugliness of surgery and the place it can take you, will hopefully all go away one day. In an effort to move forward with everything (and finally being in a place physically to do it), there have been a couple of outings. Tuesday night, a friend and I decided that day - that we were going to see Theresa Caputo (the Long Island Medium) speak. I think I may have mentioned before, that getting ill, made me aware that some people may really have this gift. We lucked out with front row tickets and a lot of the readings were done right (literally) next to us. (My friend said I should've worn my neck brace, so she would come talk to me- haha!) Hearing Theresa bring peace and comfort to so many that were hurting was really a neat experience. She did come up to me right at the end and say, "Wasn't I going to talk to you?" I thought she was, because she made definite eye contact with me several times, but then the lady directly behind me, said it was her, and she got the reading.  She needed it more than me. One thing about being right in the middle of the action was, my friend and I were on the jumbotron A LOT. Let me tell you…..I was not pretty. I just kept thinking I look really fucking tired and fat…..I don't think the jumbotron does many people a lot of favors, but it wasn't easy to take in. I look tired, because I am. Sleeping doesn't go well, because I toss and turn, and I have a neck that's in constant pain - so I wake up often. It's hard to put together any good stretches of sleep. The weight…well, it is a lot higher than I wish it was. I finally got on the scale yesterday morning and only because I had a Dr. appointment later in the day and wanted to know. Honestly, I thought it would be much worse than it is. I might be up a few pounds from before the surgery, but going into it I wasn't happy with my weight. I take comfort in the fact, that living a more normal life is getting easier, and I'm making some better decisions now. It's also nice to be moving more. I'm excited to really get after this.

I met one of my very favorite people for lunch today. She's one of those people who always make me feel great about everything in my life. It's like she has a superpower and is so wonderful about spreading that around to so many. We are able to share whatever is going in our lives and try and work through our insecurities together. She ended our lunch date with, "The next time we meet, maybe we'll be able to figure it all out." I said, " Well, we didn't make any fucking progress today but maybe with help of wine - next time we'll solve all of the world's problems." So, here's to all of us and figuring it all out one step at a time. We are all in this together. Let's be the person that helps one another though it all. Cheers!

I'll leave you with a song I've heard tons of times over the years. Probably when it was released in the 70's and my mom had KSTK playing in the living room and again when it was re-released (I believe my junior year of h.s.) when Rod did it Unplugged. It's so funny how the meaning of music or how much the melody can speak to us in different ways over the years. I heard this recently and fell in love with it all over again. I bought it (yes, I'm probably the only person on the planet who still buys music on iTunes) when I recently made the CDs for my friend. Thank God for making CDs for other people, because I'm too cheap to purchase music otherwise. I do, however, keep a list of music I want on my phone, and then when it's mixed tape time, I'll finally break down and get it. Enjoy.
​
~Jen

Happy Friday! It's a great day to win 970 Million dollars….How nuts is that? I'm usually playing these large drawings with coworkers, but I'm not back at work - so I guess I'll have to figure out how to spend that kinda money all by my lonesome. Challenge, accepted! Actually, I love doing this with the people I work with. It's always so fun to listen to how having money could change their life (from the dream of living on an island to the things that move you to tears). Right now, I just think how nice it would be to not have to rush back to work after I get this brace off. I wouldn't need to win the whole jackpot for that. I'm not greedy. I'd take 970,000.

This week has been much better than the previous weeks. I'm less sore, and the mind is finally less cloudy. Hey, I've even stuck to my normal hair hschedule. I've been lucky enough to spend a lot of time with Brian (when he was off) and different friends. Getting out of the house is huge, and thankfully, I've felt less like a freak show when in public. I'm quite a ways from 100%, but in these last couple of weeks I have had a few 9,000+ step days. Funny enough, pre-surgery, I thought I'd be hitting 10k steps a day in week 2. Ha…so naïve in so many ways… I've even had to adjust my thinking for when this brace comes off (hopefully Wednesday!). My body is forcing me to listen, and I am. I will say that I'm stoked to hike, though. They will be shorter hikes than I'm used to, and the thought of a challenging hike is overwhelming…but it is so close  - I can smell it. Sitting at home, honestly sometimes my skin crawls…like I can actually feel it crawling. It makes me nuts. I have to remember that feeling when I'm 100% and want to be lazy.

I made a CD for a friend's birthday. Yes, this shows my age, and I could give a shit. I hadn't made a CD in quite some time. I wish it were as easy as it sounds - but son of a bitch if iTunes doesn't always throw some wrenches in there, and I had to do something to my computer just to make it work. From there, I was inspired. I made some CDs for another friend. It brings me happiness to make something that I know someone will enjoy, and she always does. While burning her CDs, iTunes again threw in a wrench, and it would burn the wrong playlists. Thank God for a new fangled thing called Google, so I could find a way around it (and for enough time on my hands that I had the patience to do so). I worked on finding the joy this past week. I was glad to be in a place where I could do so. I knew how important it was for my own mental wellness. Doing things that brought me peace and happiness, became my mission for the week. I'm grateful it has helped in a lot of ways.

I have the normal nerves I think most people would have about my appointment with the surgeon next week. I know the surgery has helped in a lot of ways, and I am stoked about that, knowing things will only continue to improve. The thing is…my neck still does not turn - less than before the surgery. I found this by accident while driving. Then, I tested it yesterday. I know I'm not supposed to yet, but I truly feel I'm at a point where it was okay to try that once. It may just be that the muscles are tight or weak from being in the brace 99% of the time for the past 5 weeks, and I pray that's it. It has to be.

I had a lot of anxiety about the posts I've done since the surgery. I know they have been raw, but that is the place I've been in. I especially second guessed the last post. Trust me in, nobody wants to write things like that. It's not an attention I seek. Yet, you have validated why I write like I do. I don't want anyone to feel like they are alone - because they/you are not. The honesty I've felt/heard from some of you this week, has truly touched me. Touched me, because you trust me with the things you had chosen to keep inside. It is so important to let those things out. That's what this blog does for me. I often write about the things I don't talk about with anyone. This is my way to let it out. We all need a way to let it out. It is critical for our self-care.

We all have our obstacles, our goals, and winding roads we are trying to navigate. I've been thinking a lot of about this and really, truly how lucky I am that my obstacles are so minor in the grand scheme of things. I honestly believe I will end up recovered from nearly all of these current issues. I'm blessed beyond measure. My Uncle Chris lived his whole life with cerebral palsy. He always gave life his all, and did things people never thought he'd be able to. Uncle Chris had a real spunk about him. He passed away, unexpectedly, at the end of last week. Since his passing, I have this video in my head, of him running, and talking with ease - of him laughing with my Grandma Mona and Aunt May. Uncle Chris is finally able to do the things we take for granted every day (I'm so very guilty of this). I can't wait to one day play Go Fish again with him, and I know, we will both still cheat and laugh our asses off about it. Please go out and live your life to the fullest today, no matter what that means for you. We owe it to ourselves, and the many people we love, who have lost the privileges we are so very blessed with.

I will leave you with a song by an artist that a friend recently insisted I listen to - and she was right - this gal is phenomenal. I love the lyrics to this song.
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~Jen

There is something amiss in the house. Jesse has been super affectionate since last night. She snuggled up to me at bedtime and didn't leave my side for quite a while. This morning, I fed her, but she came back to bed - again snuggling. When I came out to the living room, she jumped on the couch - once again, laying with her head right next to my lap. I've moved to another seat while I write, but she has remained out here, snoring away. I'm a little afraid I have some terminal disease or something she's picking up on. She is typically not much for affection. When I got sick, was underfoot for a while, knowing something was wrong. After this surgery, she's just been pissed that I can't take her for walks. Let me tell you, she wouldn't make a great therapy dog. I say all of this in jest (mostly), but I am loving this side of her. She is my little partner in crime, and I love her to death. 

I would love to write that everything is going swimmingly, but in all honesty, depression came with the surgery and doesn't want to let go.  Nobody wants to hear that side of it. People will text with good intentions, and they just want to hear that you're good - hearing someone isn't doing well is just uncomfortable. It's just human nature. I get it. It's what I want to hear from people when I check in on them. We want the people we love to be crushing life, to be enjoying every moment. Depression has shown its ugliness in different ways.  It has fed on the physical pain, the sleep deprivation, the vulnerabilities, the fear, the loneliness that comes with surgery. I think most people who have had surgery and/or illeness can relate in some way or another. It's of enough concern that it was a big topic, as part of the pre-op instructions. It was the only part of the pre-op appointment that they spoke directly to Brian, as if I weren't there. "She will need to get out and walk. Walk as much as she can. It's important to get some sun. Get her out as much as possible. It is necessary in keeping the spirits up. They will be low."  Of course, I wasn't worried too much about it - after going through all I had with the illness, I knew I could never be that low again - after all, it wasn't mental illness it was caused by physical illness. Haha....while true in a lot of ways, I should've called me out on my own bullshit. Depression is something that lives within me. I work with it all the time. I do things to stave it off. It's something I'll always have to address, and yes, since the illness, I haven't had a true blue bout with it.  Even now, through everything, I like to think I'm stronger than it, that I'm weak when it comes to visit. In fact, this time around, I keep focusing on the mental and physical improvements. Thank God, I am no longer spending entire days crying. Thank God, I'm not in terrible pain. It sucks that's what I have to measure against, but it is the truth. Also, the truth, is that I realized yesterday that I hadn't washed my hair in 5 days. (It is not comfortable, but I was much better about it in the beginning). I only realized this, after I was having the fight with myself in the morning to go brush my teeth. That's typically one of the first things I do, when I get up. Lately....every little thing is a struggle. It's funny, because I was reading "Girl, Wash Your Face," when all of this finally became apparent to me - when I finally admitted to myself, how much I've been struggling. I'm guessing there would be some sort of copyright infringement if I wrote, "Girl Wash Your Hair."

I write about these things, because I know I'm not alone, even when feeling my loneliest. You've told me I'm not alone. The words so many of you have written to me, make me feel like it is my duty to write my truth, no matter how painful.

This is my truth, but it does not mean, I don't try to fight it. I say try, because sometimes, winning is simply getting up from the near fetal position to feed my dog. Other times, it means, getting out and walking, when I don't want to do a fucking thing. I know I have to get better. I hate feeling like I do. It's like a weighted blanket, that I feel now, even as I type. I feel it in my heavy arms and eyes.  I'm so lucky in that I've come through the worst and I'm at a point where I plan how I will fight it. As backwards as this is, this morning, it meant driving thru McDonald's. I know McDonald's is unhealthy as fuck - but I drove....which I haven't done much of (only cleared for very short drives), and I can't wear the brace when driving. Driving is far from comfortable for me at this point. Still, to be able to turn on the radio and do something so small. Tomorrow is a big day for me, Brian and I are going to Costco. I planned this last week. Being in a car for long, is not easy yet (even as a passenger- just uncomfortable), but I need to do things that make me feel more human. I love Costco - way more than any person should. It's about an hour and a half from here, and I know the day will wipe me out, but I need this. Each day, I plan things that will hopefully bring me out of this. I read and started watching Ozark (but really binge watching t.v. is just a way to escape, and I need to tackle) - so I don't watch many in a row. Yesterday, I spoke with two friends on the phone. They are both people that are really good for my soul. I hadn't told one of them about the surgery yet, so she was a bit shocked, but as always, we had a wonderful conversation with laughter and tears. We just get each other. I'm not entirely sure why I am unable to reach out a lot of the time. I think it's because I've started to think of myself as damaged goods and a burden. I want to be funny....someone people like to be around...being like this....well, it's not what anyone wants. Those friends were good medicine. I think the strength for me to make that call, and the other called me after some texts - started after a good morning. A friend of mine turned 49 yesterday, and she had taken the day off of work. She had asked if I would walk with her and then go to breakfast. I was honored to spend part of her day with her. She's a great person, and has a true, authentic view on life. We have planned for some fun things in her slide to 50. Getting out of the house goes a long way for me. I feel bad, that it always requires people coming to get me, and that I'm still limited on what I can and can't do, but big breath, it is a help, and I am trying to help myself.

I made comment to my friend that I know a lot of people with birthdays this week. She pointed out that Oct 6 is the most popular birthday - apparently because of NYE. You learn something new every day.

My friend bought Ed Sheeran tickets last October. The concert is next weekend in Minneapolis. I had been excited for the girls trip and concert for the past year. I'm unable to go, as the travel would be too much. If the concert were in Chicago, I would be all over it. A weekend away is just too much. I have been good about realizing a lot of what I can and can't do. I'm also unable to Caleb's meet this weekend, which is heartbreaking. Earlier this week, I did do too much, and had to dial things back again. Having so many limitations has been especially tough in my fight against depression. A lot of the ways I work through things are physical: hiking, cleaning, concerts, adventure. I'm having to find new, sedentary ways to work through things....a brain that replays the same things over and over.

I try and focus on the great things in my life. Brian is just coming off a week of working nights. I'm always so nervous when he works that schedule, because he's so tired and has so much driving. I'm glad we'll be able to spend time together today and tomorrow. Although, I'm sad about missing the meet, I'm also glad he and Cal will have that time together. They boys are both dong well, and make me proud in a lot of ways. Jesse is suddenly full of rainbows and sunshine. My good friend has been hoping to adopt through foster care and just had the cutest kids come to stay with them (4 months old and 5 years). A lot of people I love have birthdays this week (including my sister).  Again, although I'm unable to do Ed Sheeran, I'm happy for my friend, who deserves that wonderful weekend. The list, goes on and on. I think about these and many other things every day. I think about how I'm getting better and my neck is healing every day. In 2 weeks, I should have this brace off. I should be able to move my neck and have my independence back. 

Life isn't always as easy as we'd like it to be. My struggles don't even begin to touch what so many are going through right now - unimaginable pains.  It's not as easy as it sounds - pulling out of it. There is no "snap out of it." We all wish it were that easy. Still, we fight, because we are worth fighting for - our relationships are worth fighting for. So, if you are in a dark place, please know you are loved. Know someone understands and is here if you ever want to talk.

​~Jen

From some of the greats: I've been uptight and made a mess. But I'll clean it up myself I guess. Oh, the sweet smell of success. Handle me with care.

Take a deep breath - you made it to Friday! Honestly, I get my days confused a lot these days. The surgery on my neck, was 3 weeks ago yesterday. The days just kind of blend into one another, when you aren't working. Thankfully, I have a lot to look forward to today, and actually know it's Friday. My friend is taking me to A Star is Born tonight. The Kris Kristofferson (I soooo love that man) and Barbara Streisand version is one of my all-time, very favorite movies. I'm really limited on what I can do, so I watch A LOT of television. I've seen like ten billion interviews and commercials leading up to this new version. I must say, I've drank the kool-aid. I've super stoked for this and believe it will be wonderful. I'm looking forward to getting out of the house in a huge way.

As I've written about, I had a lot of nerves (no pun intended) about the surgery working, how much was in my head, worrying we were fixing the wrong thing, etc. Nobody could seem to agree on what was causing what. It does make you feel crazy. Thank God, I have a primary care physician who was dogged in helping me get answers. When I was told I needed surgery, they said there was no way to know until they got in there if my weakness would be fixed - concerns of the nerve being too damaged. That was really hard to hear, but I chose to believe it would be fixed. More than anything, my strength has been my biggest concern. I was also told I had another area of my neck that would likely need surgery, but it could be next year or 20 years from now. Okay…again, nobody wants to hear that but you choose to believe  you may never need it. The pre-op appointment was the day before surgery. I again expressed how important it was that I get my strength back. This time, the doctor pulled his chair up right in front of mine, looking me directly in the eyes - telling me my nerve was smashed. That it was going to be a long road to get my strength back to my baseline, and that the baseline was my strength that day, not what it was before. I was crushed…..He reminded me again, that the surgery would assure it wouldn't get worse….The possibility of another surgery, then turned to, "You need another surgery on your neck, and this surgery may not fix everything." It hurts my heart to even write this. I came out of that appointment, feeling so sad….

The surgeon said it all went well. There were three nerves bunched behind the disc. They removed the disc, freeing my nerves, removed bones spurs and added a plate with four screws. I must admit, I was completely unprepared for the physical pain and emotion pain that would come with surgery. I knew there would be pain - I've had knee surgery. This, however, flattened me.

The first week the pain was truly unbearable a lot of times. I lived on painkillers and muscle relaxers. I remember it was being truly miserable, but there's probably a lot about that first week I don't even remember. The pain (which was centralized mostly at the surgery point in the back of my neck) began to improve, but then the pain changed and moved to my shoulder and arm. My arm swelled, and was put on steroids to knock down the inflammation and swelling, etc. The nerves were angry, and I was feeling all of it. The second day on steroids, was great. The pain was much better, and I felt like I had really turned a corner. I went off of the painkillers and muscle relaxers thinking everything had been fixed through the steroids. Holy shit was I wrong. I went through the withdrawals of the painkillers but pain returned, and I had to make the really difficult decision to start them again. In the first week, I slept a lot. I would take 2-3 naps a day and sleep at night. There is no great sleep when you're in pain and in a neck brace, but it was sleep. The steroids then stole my sleep. I've been off of them for over a week, and my sleep is still fucked up. I could no longer nap, and one night, I got less than 3 hours. So, I was on painkillers (downers), muscle relaxers that make you drowsy and steroids that take away sleep. I felt every bit of it. I only took the painkillers a couple more days, but even so, that week was incredibly dark. Had I not been through the potassium issue, I would not have known what this kind of darkness was like. I just kept telling myself it would pass, but it grabbed hold of me and wasn't letting go. I was very upset by some people that I love that were not there for me during this time (surgery - on). I am not proud of dwelling on it or how much I've done for others and feeling so abandon in my time of need. Again, it's unbecoming. I despise self-pity, but it owned me for those days. Still, there are some parts of that, that sting. I was worried I would come out of this, a changed person. Why would I do things for people, if people aren't there for me? Thank God, I no longer feel this way. If anything, I come out of this with even more empathy, than I had before.

I turned that corner I had been praying for at the end of last week. There has been steady improvement every day. There was even a day this week that I didn't take Tylenol (that shit is nasty and can't wait to stop - but I am not able to take ibuprofen for a few months yet). There are definite, huge improvements that are already evident- post surgery. My left hand did not work right, and there were certain things I could not do. I could do them the next day. The shaking has stopped, and I no longer worry about things slipping from my hand. I do panic a little, the couple of times I've fumbled things - but I think that's more of my being clumsy or things still working themselves out. Per instructions of surgeon, I cannot lift my arms above my shoulders. I can't lift heavy things or push or pull anything. The neck brace is on at all times, exception showering, so I don't know how well I can turn my neck yet. The pain has gone way down on those accidental time that I turn, and I really do feel improvements every single day. My follow up to see if I can return to work is 10/24. I have every confidence that everything will be a go at that time, and I can get rid of this godforsaken brace. I can't wait to turn my neck and see where my strength is. I do believe I will get my strength back. I will be stronger than ever. Before surgery, I had this thought that after my 6 weeks, I could return to boot camp or do this or that. Reality has reared its ugly head. I respect my body and what it's going through. It is supposed to be a 6 month recovery time, and I can see that now. I do look forward to continually improving, though, just as I am right now.

When you're home with orders to rest (and walk - and I'm rocking that part), there is a lot of time for reflection. Some might say - too much time. I'm not supposed to clean, do laundry, vacuum, etc., so it's all a little maddening. I am doing some cooking, though. Last night I made a nice dinner and pancakes this morning. When doing things, there is great care to not overdo it, though. Really, for the last 11 months or so, I've been sick on some level or another (at least I knew something was wrong last November). It does take its toll. I'm not as strong as I thought I was before going through all of this. I have so much respect for those who fight through their ailments. Legit. There are some true warriors out there. In fact, I'm sure there are people we know, that are fighting for their lives right now, and we have no idea. After ending up in the hospital in April and being told I could have died (I do not say that lightly…. I do not talk about that part of it), this journey has been frustrating. I've been hard on myself, knowing I got a second chance at life but still knowing things weren't right. I think a lot of those things have been fixed with this surgery.

I'm grateful this all started when I was at my lowest weight and healthiest, physically. I think that saved my life. Still, since the hospital I've gained weight. I have beat myself up over and over about it. After all of this self-abuse, I finally have some clarity. It was a year ago, that I went on my first zip line, after being too heavy to do it in Maui. That moment was huge for me. It was huge that my best friend recognized what it meant to me and made it happen. As sick as I was, in February, I again zip lined, even jumping off the platform backwards (and I'm a total chicken shit). It is time to celebrate how far I've come. I am much heavier now, than I wish I was, but I will get control of it again. I certainly haven't been eating well since surgery, but 6 days a week, I have been making my fresh smoothies and adding Juice Plus to it. It is a way of taking care of my body. I've been drinking shit tons of water, and now that I 'm more able, I'm going to work on healthy recipes. I do want to lose the weight, but I'm in no race. I'm more concerned with rewarding my body for saving me. I haven't been on a scale in over a month. I don't know when I'll get on one again. I recognize I have a lot of work to do on myself mentally and physically. It is a work in progress. I'm excited to be healthy - and getting back to a smaller pant size will feel great.

I mentioned the feeling of abandonment, but the fact of the matter is - there have been many people here for us. From texts, cards, meals, visits, etc., it has all meant so much. I have this friend who works more than anyone I know. She is in the medical field, and she cares so much about her patients - it really runs her life in a lot of ways. She is always working. She took Monday off after working many days in a row. She is not one to take time off, and I'm proud of her for taking a day for herself. On her one day off….she came and took me to lunch in a neighboring town, came back and picked up my dog, so we could go out to her property. My dog was in 7th heaven out there. We made some pumpkin bars from pumpkins she'd grown and gathered fresh eggs. It was everything I needed. It was the best medicine. It means so much, that she chose to spend her very precious personal time with me. There have been wonderful moments like that, and those things will stay with me forever. So, when we are at our lowest low and feeling sorry for ourselves and wondering why we put ourselves out there- why we are there for people….it' s because we have the power to change, like in my case on Monday, a really hard day for someone and turn it around. When people are hurting, they are at their most vulnerable. Let's be the person who helps in whatever way we can, no matter how big or small. We are all human. We are all imperfect, but we can choose to be good. Let's do that.

Okay, time to wake up. I'll let you go. I needed to write. I finally got to a place where I could. This is home for me. Thanks for being here. Have a wonderful weekend.

I'll leave you with this wonderful new song I've discovered with all of the television I've been watching. It's by Rita Wilson (Tom Hanks wife), who knew? Fantastic lyrics.
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~Jen

I saved this saying a long time ago. I go back and forth all the time, in knowing that I give myself away for others all the time - to feeling like the most selfish person that ever existed. I guess there's a bit of that in all of us. I don't know that I'll ever figure out how to reconcile it, though. A friend of mine pointed out that I put others first, last weekend. It's not the first time she's mentioned it to me. I know she's right. I'd heard something similar from another friend the weekend before. I wish I were wired differently. I truly do.

I changed my eating habits 4 weeks ago. I also started drinking shit tons of water. I've always known how important it is, but I've never really gotten after it. I bought a 30 oz. water bottle, and that was really instrumental in getting me to drink more. It's an easy way for me to track my intake. If you're struggling, you should try it. I'm averaging about 120-150 oz a day. I still don't love it, but I get a real satisfaction each time I finish the 30 oz bottle. I also added some fresh juice to my diet. I use what I have on hand (but always make sure to have celery as that is supposed to really help with high BP), and it normally doesn't taste the greatest - since I'm just randomly throwing things in ther. It does feel really good to know that I'm getting those nutrients, though. My addiction to food is always there, but it all is getting easier - the longer I do this. I remember this from my very long run of eating healthy, also. I've passed up a lot of really yummy looking foods. The other day, I gave away this giant, fresh, macadamia nut cookie. I thought about it for 3 days after. Food is a true head fuck for me. It's just the thing that's always the most comforting, and soothing to me. I was down 1 1/2 pounds this week. I was disappointed with it, knowing how well I ate, but I had to put it all in perspective - I'm down 8 pounds in 4 weeks. I'm never going to be the person that has giant numbers, but I am determined, and I know I'll get back to where I need to be - eventually. Celebrating 8 pounds in four weeks, would be so much easier, if I didn't look back at my weight chart and was reminded that I put on 6 pounds in a week not so long ago. I can put it on so fast....which is why I have to turn down that macadamia nut cookie - it could lead to 3, and then soda (off for nearly 2 weeks now), and then fast food....and on and on. Food addiction is a bitch. I've found myself, once again, obsessed with My 600 Pound Life. It is a motivator for me, and it's nice to feel like I can relate to people (even if on t.v.) when it comes to food.

I really need to appreciate that 1 1/2 pounds also, because it was done with very little exercise. I have been in a lot of pain in these past weeks (and terrible headaches). Last week was especially bad. My body was done, and I had to listen to it. Being in pain like that, wears a bitch out. It was early bedtime every single night. My sleep is then fucked up, because I go to sleep too early and end up waking up at 3. Or, I toss and turn all night, because I'm in pain, and every time I move - it makes it worse. I've never had to deal with pain in this way before. It's a real MOFO.

I've mentioned that my recovery from the potassium deficiency has not been smooth. It has been a real struggle. Mostly, I've doubted myself - I've felt crazy. There haven't been easy answers. Things probably would have been different, if I hadn't had the stomach issues (and ended up going through colonoscopy and endoscopy) to find that it was all mostly caused by stress. I've never been able to forgive myself for dealing with things the way I did/do. I should've been able to deal with it better. So, going through all of that, knowing that the real pain was caused by my head - causing my colon to spasm, sucks. So, I came out of the very real potassium issue that way fucked me up to not rebounding the way the doctors expected. The most prominent thing, was my weakness. I came out of it much weaker than before I ended up in the hospital. I've felt like it's an overall weakness, but the left side was much more affected. When the answers for that, didn't come right away - again I doubted myself. I would try to do things, chastising myself, saying this is in my head- you can do this. I can't even do basic things with my left hand, and all signs have pointed to neurological issues. I know I didn't have a stroke, but my body responds like I did. I've hated every second of it....being weak, feeling weak minded, feeling bat shit crazy.... I did physical therapy, which was not good for me. That's when the pain really started. We knew I had bone spurs and a significant deteriorated disc, and the hope was the p/t would make things better, but really it awakened too much. I had about a week to 10 days during it when it looked like it might help (post epidural in my neck), when I began to be able to move my neck better, but then nearly everything actually got worse. Then thing is, I probably started feeling the affects of the potassium issue in November, so for months I was out of touch with my body, until it finally got to the point where I couldn't move.  I came out of that, to a body that is weak. With all of this, I'm really out of touch with my body. I would complain about how difficult my new SUV was to see out of, but after I could actually move my neck for that week, I realized it was that I hadn't been able to move my neck in so long and didn't know it. The good news is, I'll be having surgery on my neck on the 13th. My prayer is that it fixes the things they believe it will, as well as the things that haven't made sense. The biggest concern (I mean outside of the scary parts of having surgery), is they have no idea if my strength will come back. There is concern that the nerve might be irreversibly damaged already. I do not have these specific shooting pains in one area, and the doctors have been surprised by this....so this concerns me that I'm not having them, because that nerve is already dead. Hopefully that is all wrong, and everything comes back. Because - the thought of not getting my strength or grip back is really too much for me to take. I'm certainly no doctor, though, and hopefully it all gets restored. 

I've been holding so much in, that I could write for hours - but I've spent too much time on heavy things. I will tell you - that I did finally get my garage door fixed (the damn thing nearly caused divorce). The repairman was a couple of hours late, and about five minutes after he arrived - he asked to use our bathroom - where he proceeded to take a dump over the next half an hour. When he finally finished, he asked if he could smoke while he worked. The whole thing really was comical, but we can look past all of that, as we have a door that now automatically opens. Thank God. I couldn't do that now.

I wish you a fantastic week - leading up to a 3 day weekend. We all have obstacles, and I know mine are so minor compared to many, but we all have to figure out our own, best ways through these obstacle courses called - life. We can do it...I know we can.

~Jen
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For the first time in months, I've put together a good week and a half of healthy diet and walking. In reality that's really not all that long, but son of a bitch, if it doesn't feel like it is. I want to see immediate results, but I know that's not how it works. It seems as if I put on a bunch of weight overnight, but really - it happened over many months. I can't expect to lose it all at once, but we all want instant gratification. I long to look down and see this stomach gone again. The great new is, I'm not starting all the way over. This is all manageable. I'm disgusted that I gained as much as I did, but the only thing I can do about it, is change it all now. I was down 4 pounds 4 ounces over the past week. I'll take it! Of course….I know I was capable of more, and I replay some of the decisions I made over and over…but I'm a total work in progress that way. I've gone back to counting calories. I really hate it, but it's a necessary evil. I know how to eat right, and if I was totally in the zone - I wouldn't need to track. I'm not there yet. I don't trust myself. At the same time, I cheat where I can, and I know that's what I'm doing. I bought cans of Pepsi, so that when I broke down, I'd only be consuming 150 calories, instead of the 250 in a bottle. I did that one time….and I was pissed it took away from my food. I'm trying to work within 1400 calories, so every one counts. The rebel (and blooming idiot) in me, then went to Diet Coke. I haven't had a lot of it, but I should have zero. I know the stuff is poison. Still, I'm playing the calorie game, and that's stupid. I have really upped my water intake, though. I'm averaging about 110 ounces a day. By far, that's the most I've ever consistently drank. It feels good. I normally battle water retention, but I'm keeping myself flushed, and it's helping a great deal.

Also, today is Day 15 without any alcohol. A friend (43 days ago) decided to quit drinking for a year.  I was texting her one night about it (while drinking) - telling her how proud I was of her - when she suggested I do it, too (only 21 days). In my head, I scoffed at her - pffftt, it's summer! Still, it stuck with me, and a couple of mutual friends and I talked about her accomplishment. One of my friends said we should do the 21 days, but I was still thinking, fuck to the no, it's summer! When they decided to do it, I said I would join them. Really, I did it to support them…I mean…there was no real reason for me to stop…. Day 1 was the day I had 4 appointments in one day, including the epidural in my neck. I soooo wanted to make it all go away with a glass of wine. Day 2 (in my head….) was the day after all of those appointments and stress. I went to the grocery store and didn't walk to the wine section. I love looking at wine and knew I couldn't be trusted. The first four days were torture. Telling me I can't have something, makes me want it more. Most importantly, as the days went on, I realized how much I'd been using drinking to deal with my anxiety. I'm never considered myself an alcoholic. I'm not a daily drinker, although it had been much more often since I started getting sick, and since. When I drank beer, I only drank socially. We had a keg-o-rater at one point, and I never once just poured a beer to enjoy by myself. Wine on the other hand, has become a completely different animal. I love everything about it: the way it relaxes me, make me more social, helps me sleep, the taste, the beauty of it, the warmth, and on and on. My problem wasn't in the social drinking, it was drinking alone. It became a crutch to a certain extent. So, this little exercise in not drinking has been really good for me. I hope I've thrown that crutch away. Now, don't get me wrong - I'll drink again soon. I do love it. I just don't plan to depend on it. The last ten days have been much easier than the first five (even through dinner with friends who were drinking, wedding receptions, BBQ's, etc), but some shit I've been able to push down and avoid through alcohol - now demands my attention. I can't hide from it. My sleep has suffered, and I have a lot of work to do on myself. Still, I'm at least aware of it…the same way I'm aware of how I use food….alcohol and food can smell a shit show from a mile away. Oh, and by the way - my friends folded on Day 12, so I'm especially proud of continuing on - if they would have folded earlier, I would have followed them.

A friend and I check in with each other nightly to see how our day went with food and exercise. It's a really nice accountability piece. I screen shot her My Fitness Pal for the day, and we compare. She is much more disciplined than me when it comes to food. For the most part, she doesn't even hit 1200 calories. She and I started gaining about the same time, for similar, but different reasons. I have a shit ton of admiration for this woman. She not only is climbing a metaphorical mountain, but she's running up it - barefoot.

I'm back :) Took Jesse for a walk with a friend and her dog. 13,000 steps for the day -which makes me happy for a weekday.

I'm back again…Cal gave me a rundown of the first half of season 4 of Dawson's Creek.

While driving home tonight, I heard this song that always kicks my ass. Thankfully it wasn't a commercial hit, so I only hear it every six months or so - by accident. I remember my blue tooth just coming on randomly while driving to my first ever evaluation (to the place I weighed in at for that year and a half or so). I was a blubbering mess on that drive. Ugh. The song has that kind of power. Tonight I was driving Brian's car and flipped it over to CD, and it came on some old mix CD I had in there. This time, I felt like I was going to puke, though. No tears, just nausea. #progress  Anyway, I've been loving on this new song, and she sings about how good she is except for every time I hear that song. I always thought for me - there's thousands of songs that bring different emotions - since music is such a big part of me. Anyway, I was reminded tonight, that there really is that one song. I hope you like Every Time I hear that Song, I think we can all relate, whether we have that one or a thousand.

I would like to leave you with a request….I ask that you pray for Cori and her family. Cori lost her husband, suddenly, to an accident. Cori is one of us. I first met her through boot camp and this blog. She has been a big supporter, even promoting it on FB, without me asking. She is a really genuine soul, and I like her a great deal. When I saw her at the visitation, she asked all sorts of questions about how I was feeling. In a nutshell, that's the kind of person she is. I can't imagine the depths of her loss, and feel so much for her and her girls. Please keep them, as well, as her husband Randy in your prayers. Thank you so much.

~Jen

I saw a meme with this tree last week, saying something about how the tree never gave up (the text didn’t save for some reason). I put it in my phone for the blog, and saw this other tree in Colorado last weekend. I think it’s too much to be a coincidence. Let’s be a mother fucking tree.

Happy Friday! I had a short work week, but it still felt incredibly long. We returned home from vacation at 1:45 A.M. on Tuesday morning. That same morning, I had an 8:15 A.M. Dr appointment with labs, work for a couple hours, MRI, appt with Spine Center, and then another appt to have a cervical steroid epidural on my neck (and yes, it hurt like a mother fucker – and is still sore). It certainly wasn’t the best planning, but when dealing with doctors, we are often at their mercy.

We had a quick weekend out to Colorado to spend it with the bff and her husband. It was Brian’s first trip out there, and we were always on the go. I was happy he finally got to see what I’ve been raving about (CO). As always, I loved spending time with the bff – and it was good for our husbands to get together.

The summer has been busy with lots of fun, summer type stuff. There has been some great concerts, a Broadway musical, and time with friends and family. As always, I feel spread too thin, but the bigger part of me always wants to live life for every second. I’ve always been that way, but getting sick has even added to that…it’s funny how much it has stayed with me…. A few weeks after I started at my job, a woman came back to work and immediately introduced herself. She had just returned from surgery on a herniated disc in her neck (of all things), and we instantly connected. She just opened up, and it was as if she were speaking for me (not knowing anything about me). She’s a bit older than me but spoke about what her injury did to her, menopause and how it’s affected her whole life, etc. It was so nice to hear someone just speak her truth without thought. She saw me the next day and apologized for what she considered ramblings of personal issues. Of course, I told her how much appreciated her and her openness. I don’t have any illusions of us being great, personal friends or anything (I am honestly not looking for something like that in my life right now), but it’s wonderful to know that someone, who understands, is there. When we see each other for our brief moments, they are meaningful.

Speaking of a plate that is overly full, I’m writing from my new laptop. The teenagers have thrashed my other one, and it is too big for me to carry around and work from. I bought this new one, so I could work on the blog more often and the book. The funny thing is, I bought it a few weeks ago, and this is the first time I’ve had time to use it. I’ve finished reading through the last professional edit on the book and have been making some adjustments. For the first time, in quite a while, I’m excited about the book – on some levels – really excited. A childhood friend asked to read it, and she did a lot to help give my confidence back. She couldn’t put it down and blamed me for keeping her up nights, reading. She had the same responses and some of my initial beta readers, and that made my soul happy to have written it.

So, I’ve briefly summed up my summer, but what is missing – is the most important part: good health. I have been off the rails in some really big ways. There are moments of healthy eating in there (a lot of smoothies, periods of no soda), but I have fallen off hard recently. I’m at a time in my life, where I should be doing everything to the tee. My body has and is going through some shit, and I need to treat it with the respect and love it deserves. Instead, I let my head get to me, and turn to food. A couple of weeks ago, I finally followed up with the spine Dr. on my neck MRI. I’ve got a good sized herniated disc, along with a lot of other crap (some that was there last year and some new). The professionals all seem to have different reasons for how the weakness started when I got sick or others with how it would have no relation to what happened. I do know, nothing was this bad before I ended up in the E.R. In addition, though, I really can’t be sure if some of it wasn’t happening before. I was so out of touch with my body, but I was so sick, I had no idea. I kept pushing and pushing….and pushing when there was nothing there. Anyway, the surgeon seems to think I need surgery, but for insurance reasons, physical therapy is required first. I am hoping that the p/t helps and pushes it off – but surgery does appear to be inevitable. I didn’t take any of it well…how weak I still am….and the outlook  -and of course – when I needed to treat my body well, didn’t. Although, I’m limited on some of the things I can do or how long I can last or push, there’s no reason for me to do as little as I have been. I’ve been wallowing, and that’s not me….it’s bullshit, and I’m trying to turn it all around. I mean, really….I’m writing this on a Friday night…with no wine in hand…

Jesse and I are going hiking with a friend and her dog tomorrow morning. I’m stoked, but at the same time, quite sore from p/t tonight and worried about being the girl that holds them up. I worked hard to not be that girl, so it sucks to be back here. I also plan on going Sunday as well. I’m hoping the natural vitamin D, fresh air, and genuine love for the outdoors will catapult me into a great week. I really need it. I hate the weight gain, and it’s all on me….I did this to myself. I’m the only one that can undo it.

I plan on doing some real meal prep work on Sunday. I have to start making time for these things, that mean the most. I’m never going to succeed if I don’t put the time and energy into it all – walking and good food. I’ll never quite understand why we don’t always do this…..we are worth it, right? We should take care of ourselves in every way. A lot of people talk to me  about their mental struggles or dietary issues. I always wish they could see what I see in them. I want them to see how they deserve the very best – and should give that to themselves. One of the people I love the most, reached out to me this week, about her struggles. This woman….she is one of a kind. When people know her, they remember her. She has the energy and glow about her. Everyone wants to be her friend. I wish I could capture that somehow, so I could show it to her. As you get ready to head into another over-filled week, I hope you stop and remember to take care of yourself first. I’ll promise to do it, if you do. After all, we are pretty bad ass and deserve great things.
​
Here’s to a great weekend and week. How blessed are we to be who and where we are? Cheers with my water bottle (party foul – I know).
Jen
I’m not crazy. I’m just a little unwell. I know, right now you can’t tell. But stay a while, and maybe then you’ll see – a different side of me.

Here we are again, Friday Eve! I really am enjoying my new job. The people and the company seem great. It's a very strange sensation to not be drowning in work, though. I really do like to be busy. It is getting busier, but spending full days at work without enough to do or staring at spreadsheets, gives this chick way too much time to think. This week is better than last, and I know soon enough, I'll be swimming at a comfortable pace.

I was really struggling with having all that extra time to evaluate everything. It made me think about things that are best left alone. I've done some hard work on myself these past few weeks. I'm still reeling in a lot of ways (mentally) from being so ill. I am thankful every single day I'm no longer in that place. I remember it all so vividly - from the terrible night sweats, to the debilitating constipation, the fatigue, and the depression, etc. that enveloped me for so many months. It's still hard to understand how a potassium deficiency could have done all of that, but it sure the hell did. Anyway, I have developed a real fear of it happening again. I have this irrational fear that little things will harm me (pushing myself too hard, etc). You'd think having all of this so close to me, I'd really be on top of my diet. Sadly, I'm not. More than anything , I know I should be - need to be. The deficiency wasn't caused by my diet, but I'm certainly not helping myself with the way I've been eating. It's like I have tapeworm. I find myself once again, telling myself that I'll get back to it on Monday. I know one doesn't need to wait for Monday - that's a trap. Still, I'm making a million excuses in my head. The free time only feeds all of these thoughts.

There has been some good that's come out of the extra time. I've really focused on what I want out of this life and how to get there. Clearly, I'm failing in epic proportions with the diet, but I've thought a lot about writing. The last professional edit on the book was 2 1/2 years ago. I know the reasons, I stepped away from it - coming and going in small moments since then, and I simply couldn't live and breathe it the way I needed to. It is a lot of fucking work, and it's not something one can do half-heartedly or while feeling defeated or waning in confidence.  Thankfully, the extra time lately, convinced me I needed to make it a priority. I finally finished this edit - 2 1/2 years later. I still have a lot of work to do before it will be ready for another professional edit, but I feel good about it. I forgot how much I love the characters and the story. I see it all in my head again, and see what I need to do. I'm willing to spend the time to get there.

I also thought a lot about this blog. I do love it, but writing when I'm failing at my diet, is really difficult. There's nothing like publicizing what a loser I feel like. Still, I'll be true to it. I too, am proud of this thing. It's also necessary for me. It's the way I get things out. I work really hard on trying to really be there in my friendships, but I'm shutdown, and I can't seem to escape that. My therapist thinks it's not healthy - not confiding in friends, etc. I know it's important, and those things were always so easy for me. I honestly don't know why I can't seem to do it. I try, but I won't force it. One day. So, this blog is the place I talk about all of this. For some reason, it's just easier.

Brian and the boys went out to Washington to visit family and friends, for a week and a half. I would have gone, but I had just started the new job. They really had a great time. I'm sorry I couldn't experience it with them. It was really good for me, though, too. When I talk about having too much time, I'm not talking about them being gone - being at home was easy (just being slow at work that gets me). I always seem to be running everywhere, and my time doesn't ever seem to belong to me. It was such a strange sensation, making my own decisions about how to spend my time. At first, it was overwhelming. I've been alone, very little in my life. I've been with Brian since I was young (26 years together, last Sun actually), and I've always taken care of him - then him and the boys. Just thinking of me was something that I haven't done much of in my life. I have to say….I really enjoyed it. I cleaned, and it would stay clean. I cooked what I wanted, and ate out with friends. I watched what I wanted on t.v. I worked a lot on the book. I did projects that I'd been asking Brian to do forever and felt a real satisfaction and doing those things. I'm almost scared that I enjoyed it all too much…haha. I used to never be able to handle being alone well. It's nice to know that I've grown out of that.

I wrote a blog a couple of weeks ago, but I didn't publish it. Mostly, because I had all of that time on my hands, and I talked about some deep shit. Nobody wants to hear that, and I don't need to expose every part of me - especially all of the parts I don't like about myself. Anyway, I did want to share this part (which is just how fucked I am, choosing to share this part of it, ha) :

The relationship between diet and health really became evident yesterday as I quite unexpectedly pissed myself. Yeah, you read that right. I thought, Oh I need to head to the restroom, and all of a sudden, it just started coming out of me. There was nothing I could do. After having two kids, and when I was super heavy, there were emergencies and a lot of close calls – Oh, and God forbid you sneeze – but this was a first. To just have it happen and happen to the extent that I have to dry myself in the restroom while holding my leg in the air with the hand dryers, was a complete shock. I couldn’t understand why it happened. All day I was wracking my brain, and then Captain Obvious hit me upside the head – it was my breakfast choice. I’ve been really good about drinking my smoothies for breakfast lately, until yesterday. There’s usually not an in-between with my breakfast decisions (or any for that matter), I’m mostly good or mostly bad. Being the new person, I stopped by to buy the team doughnuts yesterday morning. This didn’t mean, I needed to eat any – I mean, until recently I hadn’t eaten one for 1 ½ years. I skipped my smoothie and bought myself a slice of breakfast pizza (and later had 2 cake doughnuts as well…), but the kicker was: a 32 oz Diet Coke. In an effort to get away from pop, I’d at least quit the Diet Coke. Pepsi has been my drink of choice, each day as I think, this is the last one. Because I started counting calories again this week (even the really bad ones), I went back to Diet. That’s what did it. Diet soda is the fucking devil. I had realized before that it messed with my bladder. I’ve been reminded once again, and hopefully for the last time. Really, the situation could have been catastrophic: people could have seen me. It was very apparent what happened. It was all preventable. Diet soda fucks with my bladder and is terrible for my skin. Lesson learned for the millionth time. Stay away from the crack.

-Thankfully, I haven't had one since. Gawd, throwing my leg in the air, while pulling my pants out to hold under the dryer, all the while praying nobody walked in is something I won't get over for a while.

Having the extra time, has been a good exercise in reminding myself that I am the only one that's responsible for my own choices, decisions, and happiness. I've been a little down this week, but today is the first day of my period. I know what's causing it. I'm making decisions to help get through it. Tonight, that means, playing Pandora in the background, while sipping a glass of wine and writing. After being sick, I've very aware things if I'm off at all. When I start to get off (that's what she said), it always scares me, because I remember being sick and how bad that was. I have to remind myself that I'm no longer ill, and this is just something that everyone goes through to some extent or another. It's a relief to going into it knowing it's normal, bearable and will be short lived. I choose to learn from all of this and to build upon it.

Last Friday, a friend and I saw Brandi Carlisle in concert. It's only fairly recently that I've really come to know and appreciate her music. She's now among my very favorites. I hadn't been to a concert in quite some time, and it will be the first of many this year. I feel as alive at a concert as I do zip lining. (which I also plan to do more of). Anyway, I'll leave you with the Story. You probably know this song, and there are many others I could add, but with lyrics like this, it had to be - And all of my friends who think I'm blessed. They don't know my head's a mess. No, they don't know who I really am. And they don't know what I've been through like you do. And I was made for you.

Please keep my friend Joanne and her Dad in your prayers tonight. She's one of us, and she lost her mom last night. I know she'll appreciate your good thoughts and prayers.

Have a wonderful night and weekend,
​
Jen

​Happy Monday! For a long time, I wondered if that was a real thing…I mean, it is Monday. Yes, it is a happy Monday. We all have so much to be thankful for, even in the worst of times - as some people I love are experiencing now. I'm in awe of the grace they are going through their pain with and how they choose to look for the good despite the hand they've been dealt. I hope to grow up one day to be more like them.

I so wish I were writing to tell you how I've been kicking ass and taking names. Hopefully, that is coming soon. My diet has been nothing short of atrocious. I'm eating like I'm on My 600 Lb Life. There you are sitting in the garden, clutching my coffee - calling me Sugar, you called me Sugar. Sorry, I'm listening to music as I write, and that line always gets me (Glitter in the Air by Pink).  Anyway, it's like I've been eating to fill the voids, to mask the pain, to fill an emptiness. The funny thing is, I haven't really been down. I'm not sure if it's anxiety, but whatever it is, I began to put my shit back in order today. I had been up 8 pounds from my lightest weight for a while, but with the end of my job, a different offer that I really considered before deciding to stay with the original offer, and my Aunt passing away, I just ate and ate and ate….and after not being on the scale for a while, I got on to find I'd gained another 20 pounds in addition to the 8 I'd gained - oh, but that was the end of last week…I got on today and was up another 4. I'd been doing well for so long, I forgot just how quickly I can gain. My metabolism sucks, but mostly it's how out of control I get with the food. I have to work to keep my weight down - just like we all do. I threw it all out the window, but I'm grateful to have "awareness" back. I can honestly say I'm more disgusted by my body and my appearance than I was at my heaviest weight. I couldn't see it then. I can see it now. Every pound of it. With all of this, I'm trying to have some compassion for myself. This is something I've never been very good at, but I have had a lot on my plate lately. I'm beyond thankful that the worst of my illness is behind me. In fact, just in this last week, one of the things that was left over from the episode finally got much better. The one side of my body is much stronger, too. I really truly considered going to Boot Camp tonight, and had told myself I would do half of the reps. Being weaker on one side has made my walk different, though, and I'm putting uneven weight on my foot and leg. I'm afraid if I jump, I'll end up breaking something. It's a weird feeling. I did quite a bit of walking this weekend and really noticed just how off it all is. I know I need to push myself, but I think I should take smaller steps before BC. I'm really hoping I can get there soon, though. I miss the support of it all. I've started again with the 10,000 step daily goal, along with eating like an out of control baboon.

Caleb had a swim meet out of town this weekend. He did so well, and it was exciting to him so pumped up. There were long days at the pool, and it really gave me too much time to think. You know what I mean? There are things I wish I could just quit thinking of or replaying, but my brain just doesn't want to cooperate. Still, I work on the positive with things (as people I love do). I have so much fucking good in my life - why can't I over-think about all of that? I know some of you can relate but wish you couldn't. It's frustrating to say the least.

My new job seems really great. I enjoy the people I work with. I get a little overwhelmed, as is expected - starting a new job is never easy for someone who lacks confidence. In saying this, I must say it's the best start I've ever had to a job - by far. I had been really nervous that I made the right decision in which one to take. Happily, though, I do know it was the right decision to leave my last work place. I'll never believe that I'm one to stay in an office all day, but I am an adult (or so they tell me), with adult bills and adult responsibilities. If I have to have a desk job, this seems like a good fit.

It has been nearly two months, since the potassium hit its low point and put a good scare into me. I think it had been affecting me since at least December, though. That's when I really started noticing some things I couldn't explain or control. Going through all of this, has really stayed with me - there are parts of it I think about every day. Someone I love very much, emotionally told me that she needs me to take care of myself - that she can't lose me. It breaks my heart that she should even ever have to worry about that - especially given the loss she'd just endured. I don’t think I'm going anywhere, but I thought a lot about the promise I made her today as I once again became aware of my food choices. I believe we should all think of our lives like this - wanting to be the healthiest for us and those who love us. We just have this one life on earth. Let's live it to the fucking fullest.

-I'll ask you to please include my Aunt May in your prayers tonight. She will be forever and loved by many.

I'll leave you with a song, I've only heard a few times now - but it always hits me. It's a good one.
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Have a wonderful - and healthy week,
Jen #teamdontdie

Happy Friday Eve! Holy shit…am I grateful the weekend is nearly here.

I returned to work last week, and have been running ragged ever since. I was able to limit my hours which helped, but Brian was working, and the boys schedules were brutal. There were late nights every night that week. This week is exactly the same. So, instead of travelling to Ryne's game tonight and arriving late (after dropping Cal at swim practice), I decided to sit out this game, and give myself a rest. If I knew Ryne were playing (as he's supposed to tomorrow night), then I wouldn't have missed it. Unfortunately, he hasn’t gotten much playing time this year. It has been a real bummer, and certainly not how the coach explained to him the season would go. So, with games every weeknight last week and this week, I sat this one out. I guess things happen for a reason, as I would have been out of town, when I got the call that Cal had started to feel ill at practice and had to run down and get him. (He's fine, though).

Today, it has been a month since my first episode with the potassium. Two days later, it happened again on a much bigger scale, and I was in the hospital. It was beyond scary for a while, but I have continued to heal rapidly. Even so, I'm getting incredibly frustrated that I'm not all the way cured. I worry about how long it will take to have full strength on my left side. The neurologist was supposed to refer me to physical and speech therapy. I don't need the speech any longer (it's 99% normal now), but I haven't gotten the call from the physical therapy office I requested. I'm sure it has been lost in the shuffle, but I haven't pushed it as I knew I was no longer going to be working in Dixon (more on this later). I didn't want to start something I couldn't finish. So, I push myself with walking when I can, and I find out, after the fact, when it has been too much. My brain wants to go, but my damn left leg is not cooperating. It is getting better, though. So, I struggle with how much to push myself. I want to try running a bit, but I worry my leg will give out underneath me. I need to grow a pair, and just try it. A new boot camp starts next week, and there's a big part of me that wants to go and just see what I can do. The rest of me says, girl that would be fucking stupid…let yourself heal. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I'm just getting increasingly frustrated, when I need to just breathe and give it all some time - and remind myself of just how lucky and blessed I am.

For quite a while, I've been unhappy at my workplace. I've been in purchasing for what feels like a million years. There are parts of purchasing that drive and fulfill me. In my current position, I have none of that. My days are spent reacting to issues. My feet are never set under me, and instead of doing the things I'm best at and drive me - I'm simply putting out fires. I have a physical reaction some days, while walking in from the parking lot. I haven't enjoyed working there for a long time. There were a few rounds of major layoffs, and the place has never been the same since. It's like a light went out and the laughter left. So, I've been serious about leaving and have interviewed (and actually had other offers), but I hadn't found the right fit for me. Before getting really sick, I had a phone interview and then a 3 1/2 hour in-person interview. It went really well, and I was expecting an offer, but they are a worldwide organization, and the process has been really drawn out. I guess that all happened for a reason. If it were a normal situation, I would have just started when everything went down. Instead, I got the offer the Friday before returning to work. The following Friday, I gave my two weeks notice. All that I've been through, solidified that life it too short to be spent doing something that doesn't feed your soul. I have a week left at my current job. It is getting increasingly difficult for me, as I truly love so many of those I work with. I feel very alone out here in some ways, and they are there for me- every day. I missed them when I was home with the illness. I didn't miss the job - I missed the people. Today, things were really hitting me from the one guy, who we yell out one another's name when we see each other (even if across the plant), to another who always has an energetic "Happy Hump Day" on Wednesdays. If it wasn't for where I work, I wouldn't know "White Five," who became my brother. I feel like I'm abandoning him there, and it breaks my heart. My immediate co-workers are truly fantastic people. Really, the list goes on and on. I will miss a lot of people, but at the same time, I'm excited for this new opportunity at the new company. It felt so comfortable through that long ass interview. It was familiar, as it's so similar to the place I worked for ten years. I'm worried that I leave my current job a much more jaded person than before I started (and less trusting), and it's a real concern that I'll bring that to the new workplace. That isn't me…. I'm overly trusting and naïve, but in my life, I have been rewarded for having an open heart. I hope that all isn't loss - but seeing some of the things I've seen here - worries me. I need to remember all the good. I've received so much support (as being hauled out by an ambulance recently - people just want me happy and healthy), but there has been an equal amount of Oh Shit…what are we going to do. One of my supplier's really had the most complementary things to say, and that goes so far with me.

I was doing really fucking awesome with my diet until this last week. Giving notice was very hard for me, oh, and I bought a "new to me" vehicle. It's nothing special, but it has 200,000 less miles than the one I've been driving. Ha! It's not fancy, but at the same time, it's fancy to me. I had to ask the dealer how to use the remote start (although I can't remember how). I didn't want a car payment, but I was smart about what I bought, and have to just let the money part not be a stress. All of this, and the thought of starting a new job at 46 years old - oh and not being fully recovered…. - has been a lot. The countdown lunches have begun, with every day this week and every day next week are already accounted for. I do best when I don't eat out…oops.  An ex-coworker came and took me to lunch today. It really was nice to visit with her. I was absent from so many relationships as I was sick - it's nice to ease back into the friendships that are important to me.

I hope your day has been wonderful and your Friday and weekend are even better. I hope you can give yourself permission to be human - as I have - tonight. I went to get a bottle of wine, and walked past some Suzy- Q's. Yeah, it went down. I need to be better, but I'm so working on not beating myself up. Life is too short. I think about that daily now. Please, make the most of every day here, while making health a priority - without feeling deprived every moment of every day.

I hope you enjoy this song. It certainly resonated with me.
Cheers,
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Jen