Take a deep breath - you made it to Friday! Honestly, I get my days confused a lot these days. The surgery on my neck, was 3 weeks ago yesterday. The days just kind of blend into one another, when you aren't working. Thankfully, I have a lot to look forward to today, and actually know it's Friday. My friend is taking me to A Star is Born tonight. The Kris Kristofferson (I soooo love that man) and Barbara Streisand version is one of my all-time, very favorite movies. I'm really limited on what I can do, so I watch A LOT of television. I've seen like ten billion interviews and commercials leading up to this new version. I must say, I've drank the kool-aid. I've super stoked for this and believe it will be wonderful. I'm looking forward to getting out of the house in a huge way.

As I've written about, I had a lot of nerves (no pun intended) about the surgery working, how much was in my head, worrying we were fixing the wrong thing, etc. Nobody could seem to agree on what was causing what. It does make you feel crazy. Thank God, I have a primary care physician who was dogged in helping me get answers. When I was told I needed surgery, they said there was no way to know until they got in there if my weakness would be fixed - concerns of the nerve being too damaged. That was really hard to hear, but I chose to believe it would be fixed. More than anything, my strength has been my biggest concern. I was also told I had another area of my neck that would likely need surgery, but it could be next year or 20 years from now. Okay…again, nobody wants to hear that but you choose to believe  you may never need it. The pre-op appointment was the day before surgery. I again expressed how important it was that I get my strength back. This time, the doctor pulled his chair up right in front of mine, looking me directly in the eyes - telling me my nerve was smashed. That it was going to be a long road to get my strength back to my baseline, and that the baseline was my strength that day, not what it was before. I was crushed…..He reminded me again, that the surgery would assure it wouldn't get worse….The possibility of another surgery, then turned to, "You need another surgery on your neck, and this surgery may not fix everything." It hurts my heart to even write this. I came out of that appointment, feeling so sad….

The surgeon said it all went well. There were three nerves bunched behind the disc. They removed the disc, freeing my nerves, removed bones spurs and added a plate with four screws. I must admit, I was completely unprepared for the physical pain and emotion pain that would come with surgery. I knew there would be pain - I've had knee surgery. This, however, flattened me.

The first week the pain was truly unbearable a lot of times. I lived on painkillers and muscle relaxers. I remember it was being truly miserable, but there's probably a lot about that first week I don't even remember. The pain (which was centralized mostly at the surgery point in the back of my neck) began to improve, but then the pain changed and moved to my shoulder and arm. My arm swelled, and was put on steroids to knock down the inflammation and swelling, etc. The nerves were angry, and I was feeling all of it. The second day on steroids, was great. The pain was much better, and I felt like I had really turned a corner. I went off of the painkillers and muscle relaxers thinking everything had been fixed through the steroids. Holy shit was I wrong. I went through the withdrawals of the painkillers but pain returned, and I had to make the really difficult decision to start them again. In the first week, I slept a lot. I would take 2-3 naps a day and sleep at night. There is no great sleep when you're in pain and in a neck brace, but it was sleep. The steroids then stole my sleep. I've been off of them for over a week, and my sleep is still fucked up. I could no longer nap, and one night, I got less than 3 hours. So, I was on painkillers (downers), muscle relaxers that make you drowsy and steroids that take away sleep. I felt every bit of it. I only took the painkillers a couple more days, but even so, that week was incredibly dark. Had I not been through the potassium issue, I would not have known what this kind of darkness was like. I just kept telling myself it would pass, but it grabbed hold of me and wasn't letting go. I was very upset by some people that I love that were not there for me during this time (surgery - on). I am not proud of dwelling on it or how much I've done for others and feeling so abandon in my time of need. Again, it's unbecoming. I despise self-pity, but it owned me for those days. Still, there are some parts of that, that sting. I was worried I would come out of this, a changed person. Why would I do things for people, if people aren't there for me? Thank God, I no longer feel this way. If anything, I come out of this with even more empathy, than I had before.

I turned that corner I had been praying for at the end of last week. There has been steady improvement every day. There was even a day this week that I didn't take Tylenol (that shit is nasty and can't wait to stop - but I am not able to take ibuprofen for a few months yet). There are definite, huge improvements that are already evident- post surgery. My left hand did not work right, and there were certain things I could not do. I could do them the next day. The shaking has stopped, and I no longer worry about things slipping from my hand. I do panic a little, the couple of times I've fumbled things - but I think that's more of my being clumsy or things still working themselves out. Per instructions of surgeon, I cannot lift my arms above my shoulders. I can't lift heavy things or push or pull anything. The neck brace is on at all times, exception showering, so I don't know how well I can turn my neck yet. The pain has gone way down on those accidental time that I turn, and I really do feel improvements every single day. My follow up to see if I can return to work is 10/24. I have every confidence that everything will be a go at that time, and I can get rid of this godforsaken brace. I can't wait to turn my neck and see where my strength is. I do believe I will get my strength back. I will be stronger than ever. Before surgery, I had this thought that after my 6 weeks, I could return to boot camp or do this or that. Reality has reared its ugly head. I respect my body and what it's going through. It is supposed to be a 6 month recovery time, and I can see that now. I do look forward to continually improving, though, just as I am right now.

When you're home with orders to rest (and walk - and I'm rocking that part), there is a lot of time for reflection. Some might say - too much time. I'm not supposed to clean, do laundry, vacuum, etc., so it's all a little maddening. I am doing some cooking, though. Last night I made a nice dinner and pancakes this morning. When doing things, there is great care to not overdo it, though. Really, for the last 11 months or so, I've been sick on some level or another (at least I knew something was wrong last November). It does take its toll. I'm not as strong as I thought I was before going through all of this. I have so much respect for those who fight through their ailments. Legit. There are some true warriors out there. In fact, I'm sure there are people we know, that are fighting for their lives right now, and we have no idea. After ending up in the hospital in April and being told I could have died (I do not say that lightly…. I do not talk about that part of it), this journey has been frustrating. I've been hard on myself, knowing I got a second chance at life but still knowing things weren't right. I think a lot of those things have been fixed with this surgery.

I'm grateful this all started when I was at my lowest weight and healthiest, physically. I think that saved my life. Still, since the hospital I've gained weight. I have beat myself up over and over about it. After all of this self-abuse, I finally have some clarity. It was a year ago, that I went on my first zip line, after being too heavy to do it in Maui. That moment was huge for me. It was huge that my best friend recognized what it meant to me and made it happen. As sick as I was, in February, I again zip lined, even jumping off the platform backwards (and I'm a total chicken shit). It is time to celebrate how far I've come. I am much heavier now, than I wish I was, but I will get control of it again. I certainly haven't been eating well since surgery, but 6 days a week, I have been making my fresh smoothies and adding Juice Plus to it. It is a way of taking care of my body. I've been drinking shit tons of water, and now that I 'm more able, I'm going to work on healthy recipes. I do want to lose the weight, but I'm in no race. I'm more concerned with rewarding my body for saving me. I haven't been on a scale in over a month. I don't know when I'll get on one again. I recognize I have a lot of work to do on myself mentally and physically. It is a work in progress. I'm excited to be healthy - and getting back to a smaller pant size will feel great.

I mentioned the feeling of abandonment, but the fact of the matter is - there have been many people here for us. From texts, cards, meals, visits, etc., it has all meant so much. I have this friend who works more than anyone I know. She is in the medical field, and she cares so much about her patients - it really runs her life in a lot of ways. She is always working. She took Monday off after working many days in a row. She is not one to take time off, and I'm proud of her for taking a day for herself. On her one day off….she came and took me to lunch in a neighboring town, came back and picked up my dog, so we could go out to her property. My dog was in 7th heaven out there. We made some pumpkin bars from pumpkins she'd grown and gathered fresh eggs. It was everything I needed. It was the best medicine. It means so much, that she chose to spend her very precious personal time with me. There have been wonderful moments like that, and those things will stay with me forever. So, when we are at our lowest low and feeling sorry for ourselves and wondering why we put ourselves out there- why we are there for people….it' s because we have the power to change, like in my case on Monday, a really hard day for someone and turn it around. When people are hurting, they are at their most vulnerable. Let's be the person who helps in whatever way we can, no matter how big or small. We are all human. We are all imperfect, but we can choose to be good. Let's do that.

Okay, time to wake up. I'll let you go. I needed to write. I finally got to a place where I could. This is home for me. Thanks for being here. Have a wonderful weekend.

I'll leave you with this wonderful new song I've discovered with all of the television I've been watching. It's by Rita Wilson (Tom Hanks wife), who knew? Fantastic lyrics.
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~Jen

I saved this saying a long time ago. I go back and forth all the time, in knowing that I give myself away for others all the time - to feeling like the most selfish person that ever existed. I guess there's a bit of that in all of us. I don't know that I'll ever figure out how to reconcile it, though. A friend of mine pointed out that I put others first, last weekend. It's not the first time she's mentioned it to me. I know she's right. I'd heard something similar from another friend the weekend before. I wish I were wired differently. I truly do.

I changed my eating habits 4 weeks ago. I also started drinking shit tons of water. I've always known how important it is, but I've never really gotten after it. I bought a 30 oz. water bottle, and that was really instrumental in getting me to drink more. It's an easy way for me to track my intake. If you're struggling, you should try it. I'm averaging about 120-150 oz a day. I still don't love it, but I get a real satisfaction each time I finish the 30 oz bottle. I also added some fresh juice to my diet. I use what I have on hand (but always make sure to have celery as that is supposed to really help with high BP), and it normally doesn't taste the greatest - since I'm just randomly throwing things in ther. It does feel really good to know that I'm getting those nutrients, though. My addiction to food is always there, but it all is getting easier - the longer I do this. I remember this from my very long run of eating healthy, also. I've passed up a lot of really yummy looking foods. The other day, I gave away this giant, fresh, macadamia nut cookie. I thought about it for 3 days after. Food is a true head fuck for me. It's just the thing that's always the most comforting, and soothing to me. I was down 1 1/2 pounds this week. I was disappointed with it, knowing how well I ate, but I had to put it all in perspective - I'm down 8 pounds in 4 weeks. I'm never going to be the person that has giant numbers, but I am determined, and I know I'll get back to where I need to be - eventually. Celebrating 8 pounds in four weeks, would be so much easier, if I didn't look back at my weight chart and was reminded that I put on 6 pounds in a week not so long ago. I can put it on so fast....which is why I have to turn down that macadamia nut cookie - it could lead to 3, and then soda (off for nearly 2 weeks now), and then fast food....and on and on. Food addiction is a bitch. I've found myself, once again, obsessed with My 600 Pound Life. It is a motivator for me, and it's nice to feel like I can relate to people (even if on t.v.) when it comes to food.

I really need to appreciate that 1 1/2 pounds also, because it was done with very little exercise. I have been in a lot of pain in these past weeks (and terrible headaches). Last week was especially bad. My body was done, and I had to listen to it. Being in pain like that, wears a bitch out. It was early bedtime every single night. My sleep is then fucked up, because I go to sleep too early and end up waking up at 3. Or, I toss and turn all night, because I'm in pain, and every time I move - it makes it worse. I've never had to deal with pain in this way before. It's a real MOFO.

I've mentioned that my recovery from the potassium deficiency has not been smooth. It has been a real struggle. Mostly, I've doubted myself - I've felt crazy. There haven't been easy answers. Things probably would have been different, if I hadn't had the stomach issues (and ended up going through colonoscopy and endoscopy) to find that it was all mostly caused by stress. I've never been able to forgive myself for dealing with things the way I did/do. I should've been able to deal with it better. So, going through all of that, knowing that the real pain was caused by my head - causing my colon to spasm, sucks. So, I came out of the very real potassium issue that way fucked me up to not rebounding the way the doctors expected. The most prominent thing, was my weakness. I came out of it much weaker than before I ended up in the hospital. I've felt like it's an overall weakness, but the left side was much more affected. When the answers for that, didn't come right away - again I doubted myself. I would try to do things, chastising myself, saying this is in my head- you can do this. I can't even do basic things with my left hand, and all signs have pointed to neurological issues. I know I didn't have a stroke, but my body responds like I did. I've hated every second of it....being weak, feeling weak minded, feeling bat shit crazy.... I did physical therapy, which was not good for me. That's when the pain really started. We knew I had bone spurs and a significant deteriorated disc, and the hope was the p/t would make things better, but really it awakened too much. I had about a week to 10 days during it when it looked like it might help (post epidural in my neck), when I began to be able to move my neck better, but then nearly everything actually got worse. Then thing is, I probably started feeling the affects of the potassium issue in November, so for months I was out of touch with my body, until it finally got to the point where I couldn't move.  I came out of that, to a body that is weak. With all of this, I'm really out of touch with my body. I would complain about how difficult my new SUV was to see out of, but after I could actually move my neck for that week, I realized it was that I hadn't been able to move my neck in so long and didn't know it. The good news is, I'll be having surgery on my neck on the 13th. My prayer is that it fixes the things they believe it will, as well as the things that haven't made sense. The biggest concern (I mean outside of the scary parts of having surgery), is they have no idea if my strength will come back. There is concern that the nerve might be irreversibly damaged already. I do not have these specific shooting pains in one area, and the doctors have been surprised by this....so this concerns me that I'm not having them, because that nerve is already dead. Hopefully that is all wrong, and everything comes back. Because - the thought of not getting my strength or grip back is really too much for me to take. I'm certainly no doctor, though, and hopefully it all gets restored. 

I've been holding so much in, that I could write for hours - but I've spent too much time on heavy things. I will tell you - that I did finally get my garage door fixed (the damn thing nearly caused divorce). The repairman was a couple of hours late, and about five minutes after he arrived - he asked to use our bathroom - where he proceeded to take a dump over the next half an hour. When he finally finished, he asked if he could smoke while he worked. The whole thing really was comical, but we can look past all of that, as we have a door that now automatically opens. Thank God. I couldn't do that now.

I wish you a fantastic week - leading up to a 3 day weekend. We all have obstacles, and I know mine are so minor compared to many, but we all have to figure out our own, best ways through these obstacle courses called - life. We can do it...I know we can.

~Jen
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For the first time in months, I've put together a good week and a half of healthy diet and walking. In reality that's really not all that long, but son of a bitch, if it doesn't feel like it is. I want to see immediate results, but I know that's not how it works. It seems as if I put on a bunch of weight overnight, but really - it happened over many months. I can't expect to lose it all at once, but we all want instant gratification. I long to look down and see this stomach gone again. The great new is, I'm not starting all the way over. This is all manageable. I'm disgusted that I gained as much as I did, but the only thing I can do about it, is change it all now. I was down 4 pounds 4 ounces over the past week. I'll take it! Of course….I know I was capable of more, and I replay some of the decisions I made over and over…but I'm a total work in progress that way. I've gone back to counting calories. I really hate it, but it's a necessary evil. I know how to eat right, and if I was totally in the zone - I wouldn't need to track. I'm not there yet. I don't trust myself. At the same time, I cheat where I can, and I know that's what I'm doing. I bought cans of Pepsi, so that when I broke down, I'd only be consuming 150 calories, instead of the 250 in a bottle. I did that one time….and I was pissed it took away from my food. I'm trying to work within 1400 calories, so every one counts. The rebel (and blooming idiot) in me, then went to Diet Coke. I haven't had a lot of it, but I should have zero. I know the stuff is poison. Still, I'm playing the calorie game, and that's stupid. I have really upped my water intake, though. I'm averaging about 110 ounces a day. By far, that's the most I've ever consistently drank. It feels good. I normally battle water retention, but I'm keeping myself flushed, and it's helping a great deal.

Also, today is Day 15 without any alcohol. A friend (43 days ago) decided to quit drinking for a year.  I was texting her one night about it (while drinking) - telling her how proud I was of her - when she suggested I do it, too (only 21 days). In my head, I scoffed at her - pffftt, it's summer! Still, it stuck with me, and a couple of mutual friends and I talked about her accomplishment. One of my friends said we should do the 21 days, but I was still thinking, fuck to the no, it's summer! When they decided to do it, I said I would join them. Really, I did it to support them…I mean…there was no real reason for me to stop…. Day 1 was the day I had 4 appointments in one day, including the epidural in my neck. I soooo wanted to make it all go away with a glass of wine. Day 2 (in my head….) was the day after all of those appointments and stress. I went to the grocery store and didn't walk to the wine section. I love looking at wine and knew I couldn't be trusted. The first four days were torture. Telling me I can't have something, makes me want it more. Most importantly, as the days went on, I realized how much I'd been using drinking to deal with my anxiety. I'm never considered myself an alcoholic. I'm not a daily drinker, although it had been much more often since I started getting sick, and since. When I drank beer, I only drank socially. We had a keg-o-rater at one point, and I never once just poured a beer to enjoy by myself. Wine on the other hand, has become a completely different animal. I love everything about it: the way it relaxes me, make me more social, helps me sleep, the taste, the beauty of it, the warmth, and on and on. My problem wasn't in the social drinking, it was drinking alone. It became a crutch to a certain extent. So, this little exercise in not drinking has been really good for me. I hope I've thrown that crutch away. Now, don't get me wrong - I'll drink again soon. I do love it. I just don't plan to depend on it. The last ten days have been much easier than the first five (even through dinner with friends who were drinking, wedding receptions, BBQ's, etc), but some shit I've been able to push down and avoid through alcohol - now demands my attention. I can't hide from it. My sleep has suffered, and I have a lot of work to do on myself. Still, I'm at least aware of it…the same way I'm aware of how I use food….alcohol and food can smell a shit show from a mile away. Oh, and by the way - my friends folded on Day 12, so I'm especially proud of continuing on - if they would have folded earlier, I would have followed them.

A friend and I check in with each other nightly to see how our day went with food and exercise. It's a really nice accountability piece. I screen shot her My Fitness Pal for the day, and we compare. She is much more disciplined than me when it comes to food. For the most part, she doesn't even hit 1200 calories. She and I started gaining about the same time, for similar, but different reasons. I have a shit ton of admiration for this woman. She not only is climbing a metaphorical mountain, but she's running up it - barefoot.

I'm back :) Took Jesse for a walk with a friend and her dog. 13,000 steps for the day -which makes me happy for a weekday.

I'm back again…Cal gave me a rundown of the first half of season 4 of Dawson's Creek.

While driving home tonight, I heard this song that always kicks my ass. Thankfully it wasn't a commercial hit, so I only hear it every six months or so - by accident. I remember my blue tooth just coming on randomly while driving to my first ever evaluation (to the place I weighed in at for that year and a half or so). I was a blubbering mess on that drive. Ugh. The song has that kind of power. Tonight I was driving Brian's car and flipped it over to CD, and it came on some old mix CD I had in there. This time, I felt like I was going to puke, though. No tears, just nausea. #progress  Anyway, I've been loving on this new song, and she sings about how good she is except for every time I hear that song. I always thought for me - there's thousands of songs that bring different emotions - since music is such a big part of me. Anyway, I was reminded tonight, that there really is that one song. I hope you like Every Time I hear that Song, I think we can all relate, whether we have that one or a thousand.

I would like to leave you with a request….I ask that you pray for Cori and her family. Cori lost her husband, suddenly, to an accident. Cori is one of us. I first met her through boot camp and this blog. She has been a big supporter, even promoting it on FB, without me asking. She is a really genuine soul, and I like her a great deal. When I saw her at the visitation, she asked all sorts of questions about how I was feeling. In a nutshell, that's the kind of person she is. I can't imagine the depths of her loss, and feel so much for her and her girls. Please keep them, as well, as her husband Randy in your prayers. Thank you so much.

~Jen

I saw a meme with this tree last week, saying something about how the tree never gave up (the text didn’t save for some reason). I put it in my phone for the blog, and saw this other tree in Colorado last weekend. I think it’s too much to be a coincidence. Let’s be a mother fucking tree.

Happy Friday! I had a short work week, but it still felt incredibly long. We returned home from vacation at 1:45 A.M. on Tuesday morning. That same morning, I had an 8:15 A.M. Dr appointment with labs, work for a couple hours, MRI, appt with Spine Center, and then another appt to have a cervical steroid epidural on my neck (and yes, it hurt like a mother fucker – and is still sore). It certainly wasn’t the best planning, but when dealing with doctors, we are often at their mercy.

We had a quick weekend out to Colorado to spend it with the bff and her husband. It was Brian’s first trip out there, and we were always on the go. I was happy he finally got to see what I’ve been raving about (CO). As always, I loved spending time with the bff – and it was good for our husbands to get together.

The summer has been busy with lots of fun, summer type stuff. There has been some great concerts, a Broadway musical, and time with friends and family. As always, I feel spread too thin, but the bigger part of me always wants to live life for every second. I’ve always been that way, but getting sick has even added to that…it’s funny how much it has stayed with me…. A few weeks after I started at my job, a woman came back to work and immediately introduced herself. She had just returned from surgery on a herniated disc in her neck (of all things), and we instantly connected. She just opened up, and it was as if she were speaking for me (not knowing anything about me). She’s a bit older than me but spoke about what her injury did to her, menopause and how it’s affected her whole life, etc. It was so nice to hear someone just speak her truth without thought. She saw me the next day and apologized for what she considered ramblings of personal issues. Of course, I told her how much appreciated her and her openness. I don’t have any illusions of us being great, personal friends or anything (I am honestly not looking for something like that in my life right now), but it’s wonderful to know that someone, who understands, is there. When we see each other for our brief moments, they are meaningful.

Speaking of a plate that is overly full, I’m writing from my new laptop. The teenagers have thrashed my other one, and it is too big for me to carry around and work from. I bought this new one, so I could work on the blog more often and the book. The funny thing is, I bought it a few weeks ago, and this is the first time I’ve had time to use it. I’ve finished reading through the last professional edit on the book and have been making some adjustments. For the first time, in quite a while, I’m excited about the book – on some levels – really excited. A childhood friend asked to read it, and she did a lot to help give my confidence back. She couldn’t put it down and blamed me for keeping her up nights, reading. She had the same responses and some of my initial beta readers, and that made my soul happy to have written it.

So, I’ve briefly summed up my summer, but what is missing – is the most important part: good health. I have been off the rails in some really big ways. There are moments of healthy eating in there (a lot of smoothies, periods of no soda), but I have fallen off hard recently. I’m at a time in my life, where I should be doing everything to the tee. My body has and is going through some shit, and I need to treat it with the respect and love it deserves. Instead, I let my head get to me, and turn to food. A couple of weeks ago, I finally followed up with the spine Dr. on my neck MRI. I’ve got a good sized herniated disc, along with a lot of other crap (some that was there last year and some new). The professionals all seem to have different reasons for how the weakness started when I got sick or others with how it would have no relation to what happened. I do know, nothing was this bad before I ended up in the E.R. In addition, though, I really can’t be sure if some of it wasn’t happening before. I was so out of touch with my body, but I was so sick, I had no idea. I kept pushing and pushing….and pushing when there was nothing there. Anyway, the surgeon seems to think I need surgery, but for insurance reasons, physical therapy is required first. I am hoping that the p/t helps and pushes it off – but surgery does appear to be inevitable. I didn’t take any of it well…how weak I still am….and the outlook  -and of course – when I needed to treat my body well, didn’t. Although, I’m limited on some of the things I can do or how long I can last or push, there’s no reason for me to do as little as I have been. I’ve been wallowing, and that’s not me….it’s bullshit, and I’m trying to turn it all around. I mean, really….I’m writing this on a Friday night…with no wine in hand…

Jesse and I are going hiking with a friend and her dog tomorrow morning. I’m stoked, but at the same time, quite sore from p/t tonight and worried about being the girl that holds them up. I worked hard to not be that girl, so it sucks to be back here. I also plan on going Sunday as well. I’m hoping the natural vitamin D, fresh air, and genuine love for the outdoors will catapult me into a great week. I really need it. I hate the weight gain, and it’s all on me….I did this to myself. I’m the only one that can undo it.

I plan on doing some real meal prep work on Sunday. I have to start making time for these things, that mean the most. I’m never going to succeed if I don’t put the time and energy into it all – walking and good food. I’ll never quite understand why we don’t always do this…..we are worth it, right? We should take care of ourselves in every way. A lot of people talk to me  about their mental struggles or dietary issues. I always wish they could see what I see in them. I want them to see how they deserve the very best – and should give that to themselves. One of the people I love the most, reached out to me this week, about her struggles. This woman….she is one of a kind. When people know her, they remember her. She has the energy and glow about her. Everyone wants to be her friend. I wish I could capture that somehow, so I could show it to her. As you get ready to head into another over-filled week, I hope you stop and remember to take care of yourself first. I’ll promise to do it, if you do. After all, we are pretty bad ass and deserve great things.
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Here’s to a great weekend and week. How blessed are we to be who and where we are? Cheers with my water bottle (party foul – I know).
Jen
I’m not crazy. I’m just a little unwell. I know, right now you can’t tell. But stay a while, and maybe then you’ll see – a different side of me.

Here we are again, Friday Eve! I really am enjoying my new job. The people and the company seem great. It's a very strange sensation to not be drowning in work, though. I really do like to be busy. It is getting busier, but spending full days at work without enough to do or staring at spreadsheets, gives this chick way too much time to think. This week is better than last, and I know soon enough, I'll be swimming at a comfortable pace.

I was really struggling with having all that extra time to evaluate everything. It made me think about things that are best left alone. I've done some hard work on myself these past few weeks. I'm still reeling in a lot of ways (mentally) from being so ill. I am thankful every single day I'm no longer in that place. I remember it all so vividly - from the terrible night sweats, to the debilitating constipation, the fatigue, and the depression, etc. that enveloped me for so many months. It's still hard to understand how a potassium deficiency could have done all of that, but it sure the hell did. Anyway, I have developed a real fear of it happening again. I have this irrational fear that little things will harm me (pushing myself too hard, etc). You'd think having all of this so close to me, I'd really be on top of my diet. Sadly, I'm not. More than anything , I know I should be - need to be. The deficiency wasn't caused by my diet, but I'm certainly not helping myself with the way I've been eating. It's like I have tapeworm. I find myself once again, telling myself that I'll get back to it on Monday. I know one doesn't need to wait for Monday - that's a trap. Still, I'm making a million excuses in my head. The free time only feeds all of these thoughts.

There has been some good that's come out of the extra time. I've really focused on what I want out of this life and how to get there. Clearly, I'm failing in epic proportions with the diet, but I've thought a lot about writing. The last professional edit on the book was 2 1/2 years ago. I know the reasons, I stepped away from it - coming and going in small moments since then, and I simply couldn't live and breathe it the way I needed to. It is a lot of fucking work, and it's not something one can do half-heartedly or while feeling defeated or waning in confidence.  Thankfully, the extra time lately, convinced me I needed to make it a priority. I finally finished this edit - 2 1/2 years later. I still have a lot of work to do before it will be ready for another professional edit, but I feel good about it. I forgot how much I love the characters and the story. I see it all in my head again, and see what I need to do. I'm willing to spend the time to get there.

I also thought a lot about this blog. I do love it, but writing when I'm failing at my diet, is really difficult. There's nothing like publicizing what a loser I feel like. Still, I'll be true to it. I too, am proud of this thing. It's also necessary for me. It's the way I get things out. I work really hard on trying to really be there in my friendships, but I'm shutdown, and I can't seem to escape that. My therapist thinks it's not healthy - not confiding in friends, etc. I know it's important, and those things were always so easy for me. I honestly don't know why I can't seem to do it. I try, but I won't force it. One day. So, this blog is the place I talk about all of this. For some reason, it's just easier.

Brian and the boys went out to Washington to visit family and friends, for a week and a half. I would have gone, but I had just started the new job. They really had a great time. I'm sorry I couldn't experience it with them. It was really good for me, though, too. When I talk about having too much time, I'm not talking about them being gone - being at home was easy (just being slow at work that gets me). I always seem to be running everywhere, and my time doesn't ever seem to belong to me. It was such a strange sensation, making my own decisions about how to spend my time. At first, it was overwhelming. I've been alone, very little in my life. I've been with Brian since I was young (26 years together, last Sun actually), and I've always taken care of him - then him and the boys. Just thinking of me was something that I haven't done much of in my life. I have to say….I really enjoyed it. I cleaned, and it would stay clean. I cooked what I wanted, and ate out with friends. I watched what I wanted on t.v. I worked a lot on the book. I did projects that I'd been asking Brian to do forever and felt a real satisfaction and doing those things. I'm almost scared that I enjoyed it all too much…haha. I used to never be able to handle being alone well. It's nice to know that I've grown out of that.

I wrote a blog a couple of weeks ago, but I didn't publish it. Mostly, because I had all of that time on my hands, and I talked about some deep shit. Nobody wants to hear that, and I don't need to expose every part of me - especially all of the parts I don't like about myself. Anyway, I did want to share this part (which is just how fucked I am, choosing to share this part of it, ha) :

The relationship between diet and health really became evident yesterday as I quite unexpectedly pissed myself. Yeah, you read that right. I thought, Oh I need to head to the restroom, and all of a sudden, it just started coming out of me. There was nothing I could do. After having two kids, and when I was super heavy, there were emergencies and a lot of close calls – Oh, and God forbid you sneeze – but this was a first. To just have it happen and happen to the extent that I have to dry myself in the restroom while holding my leg in the air with the hand dryers, was a complete shock. I couldn’t understand why it happened. All day I was wracking my brain, and then Captain Obvious hit me upside the head – it was my breakfast choice. I’ve been really good about drinking my smoothies for breakfast lately, until yesterday. There’s usually not an in-between with my breakfast decisions (or any for that matter), I’m mostly good or mostly bad. Being the new person, I stopped by to buy the team doughnuts yesterday morning. This didn’t mean, I needed to eat any – I mean, until recently I hadn’t eaten one for 1 ½ years. I skipped my smoothie and bought myself a slice of breakfast pizza (and later had 2 cake doughnuts as well…), but the kicker was: a 32 oz Diet Coke. In an effort to get away from pop, I’d at least quit the Diet Coke. Pepsi has been my drink of choice, each day as I think, this is the last one. Because I started counting calories again this week (even the really bad ones), I went back to Diet. That’s what did it. Diet soda is the fucking devil. I had realized before that it messed with my bladder. I’ve been reminded once again, and hopefully for the last time. Really, the situation could have been catastrophic: people could have seen me. It was very apparent what happened. It was all preventable. Diet soda fucks with my bladder and is terrible for my skin. Lesson learned for the millionth time. Stay away from the crack.

-Thankfully, I haven't had one since. Gawd, throwing my leg in the air, while pulling my pants out to hold under the dryer, all the while praying nobody walked in is something I won't get over for a while.

Having the extra time, has been a good exercise in reminding myself that I am the only one that's responsible for my own choices, decisions, and happiness. I've been a little down this week, but today is the first day of my period. I know what's causing it. I'm making decisions to help get through it. Tonight, that means, playing Pandora in the background, while sipping a glass of wine and writing. After being sick, I've very aware things if I'm off at all. When I start to get off (that's what she said), it always scares me, because I remember being sick and how bad that was. I have to remind myself that I'm no longer ill, and this is just something that everyone goes through to some extent or another. It's a relief to going into it knowing it's normal, bearable and will be short lived. I choose to learn from all of this and to build upon it.

Last Friday, a friend and I saw Brandi Carlisle in concert. It's only fairly recently that I've really come to know and appreciate her music. She's now among my very favorites. I hadn't been to a concert in quite some time, and it will be the first of many this year. I feel as alive at a concert as I do zip lining. (which I also plan to do more of). Anyway, I'll leave you with the Story. You probably know this song, and there are many others I could add, but with lyrics like this, it had to be - And all of my friends who think I'm blessed. They don't know my head's a mess. No, they don't know who I really am. And they don't know what I've been through like you do. And I was made for you.

Please keep my friend Joanne and her Dad in your prayers tonight. She's one of us, and she lost her mom last night. I know she'll appreciate your good thoughts and prayers.

Have a wonderful night and weekend,
​
Jen

​Happy Monday! For a long time, I wondered if that was a real thing…I mean, it is Monday. Yes, it is a happy Monday. We all have so much to be thankful for, even in the worst of times - as some people I love are experiencing now. I'm in awe of the grace they are going through their pain with and how they choose to look for the good despite the hand they've been dealt. I hope to grow up one day to be more like them.

I so wish I were writing to tell you how I've been kicking ass and taking names. Hopefully, that is coming soon. My diet has been nothing short of atrocious. I'm eating like I'm on My 600 Lb Life. There you are sitting in the garden, clutching my coffee - calling me Sugar, you called me Sugar. Sorry, I'm listening to music as I write, and that line always gets me (Glitter in the Air by Pink).  Anyway, it's like I've been eating to fill the voids, to mask the pain, to fill an emptiness. The funny thing is, I haven't really been down. I'm not sure if it's anxiety, but whatever it is, I began to put my shit back in order today. I had been up 8 pounds from my lightest weight for a while, but with the end of my job, a different offer that I really considered before deciding to stay with the original offer, and my Aunt passing away, I just ate and ate and ate….and after not being on the scale for a while, I got on to find I'd gained another 20 pounds in addition to the 8 I'd gained - oh, but that was the end of last week…I got on today and was up another 4. I'd been doing well for so long, I forgot just how quickly I can gain. My metabolism sucks, but mostly it's how out of control I get with the food. I have to work to keep my weight down - just like we all do. I threw it all out the window, but I'm grateful to have "awareness" back. I can honestly say I'm more disgusted by my body and my appearance than I was at my heaviest weight. I couldn't see it then. I can see it now. Every pound of it. With all of this, I'm trying to have some compassion for myself. This is something I've never been very good at, but I have had a lot on my plate lately. I'm beyond thankful that the worst of my illness is behind me. In fact, just in this last week, one of the things that was left over from the episode finally got much better. The one side of my body is much stronger, too. I really truly considered going to Boot Camp tonight, and had told myself I would do half of the reps. Being weaker on one side has made my walk different, though, and I'm putting uneven weight on my foot and leg. I'm afraid if I jump, I'll end up breaking something. It's a weird feeling. I did quite a bit of walking this weekend and really noticed just how off it all is. I know I need to push myself, but I think I should take smaller steps before BC. I'm really hoping I can get there soon, though. I miss the support of it all. I've started again with the 10,000 step daily goal, along with eating like an out of control baboon.

Caleb had a swim meet out of town this weekend. He did so well, and it was exciting to him so pumped up. There were long days at the pool, and it really gave me too much time to think. You know what I mean? There are things I wish I could just quit thinking of or replaying, but my brain just doesn't want to cooperate. Still, I work on the positive with things (as people I love do). I have so much fucking good in my life - why can't I over-think about all of that? I know some of you can relate but wish you couldn't. It's frustrating to say the least.

My new job seems really great. I enjoy the people I work with. I get a little overwhelmed, as is expected - starting a new job is never easy for someone who lacks confidence. In saying this, I must say it's the best start I've ever had to a job - by far. I had been really nervous that I made the right decision in which one to take. Happily, though, I do know it was the right decision to leave my last work place. I'll never believe that I'm one to stay in an office all day, but I am an adult (or so they tell me), with adult bills and adult responsibilities. If I have to have a desk job, this seems like a good fit.

It has been nearly two months, since the potassium hit its low point and put a good scare into me. I think it had been affecting me since at least December, though. That's when I really started noticing some things I couldn't explain or control. Going through all of this, has really stayed with me - there are parts of it I think about every day. Someone I love very much, emotionally told me that she needs me to take care of myself - that she can't lose me. It breaks my heart that she should even ever have to worry about that - especially given the loss she'd just endured. I don’t think I'm going anywhere, but I thought a lot about the promise I made her today as I once again became aware of my food choices. I believe we should all think of our lives like this - wanting to be the healthiest for us and those who love us. We just have this one life on earth. Let's live it to the fucking fullest.

-I'll ask you to please include my Aunt May in your prayers tonight. She will be forever and loved by many.

I'll leave you with a song, I've only heard a few times now - but it always hits me. It's a good one.
​
Have a wonderful - and healthy week,
Jen #teamdontdie

Happy Friday Eve! Holy shit…am I grateful the weekend is nearly here.

I returned to work last week, and have been running ragged ever since. I was able to limit my hours which helped, but Brian was working, and the boys schedules were brutal. There were late nights every night that week. This week is exactly the same. So, instead of travelling to Ryne's game tonight and arriving late (after dropping Cal at swim practice), I decided to sit out this game, and give myself a rest. If I knew Ryne were playing (as he's supposed to tomorrow night), then I wouldn't have missed it. Unfortunately, he hasn’t gotten much playing time this year. It has been a real bummer, and certainly not how the coach explained to him the season would go. So, with games every weeknight last week and this week, I sat this one out. I guess things happen for a reason, as I would have been out of town, when I got the call that Cal had started to feel ill at practice and had to run down and get him. (He's fine, though).

Today, it has been a month since my first episode with the potassium. Two days later, it happened again on a much bigger scale, and I was in the hospital. It was beyond scary for a while, but I have continued to heal rapidly. Even so, I'm getting incredibly frustrated that I'm not all the way cured. I worry about how long it will take to have full strength on my left side. The neurologist was supposed to refer me to physical and speech therapy. I don't need the speech any longer (it's 99% normal now), but I haven't gotten the call from the physical therapy office I requested. I'm sure it has been lost in the shuffle, but I haven't pushed it as I knew I was no longer going to be working in Dixon (more on this later). I didn't want to start something I couldn't finish. So, I push myself with walking when I can, and I find out, after the fact, when it has been too much. My brain wants to go, but my damn left leg is not cooperating. It is getting better, though. So, I struggle with how much to push myself. I want to try running a bit, but I worry my leg will give out underneath me. I need to grow a pair, and just try it. A new boot camp starts next week, and there's a big part of me that wants to go and just see what I can do. The rest of me says, girl that would be fucking stupid…let yourself heal. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I'm just getting increasingly frustrated, when I need to just breathe and give it all some time - and remind myself of just how lucky and blessed I am.

For quite a while, I've been unhappy at my workplace. I've been in purchasing for what feels like a million years. There are parts of purchasing that drive and fulfill me. In my current position, I have none of that. My days are spent reacting to issues. My feet are never set under me, and instead of doing the things I'm best at and drive me - I'm simply putting out fires. I have a physical reaction some days, while walking in from the parking lot. I haven't enjoyed working there for a long time. There were a few rounds of major layoffs, and the place has never been the same since. It's like a light went out and the laughter left. So, I've been serious about leaving and have interviewed (and actually had other offers), but I hadn't found the right fit for me. Before getting really sick, I had a phone interview and then a 3 1/2 hour in-person interview. It went really well, and I was expecting an offer, but they are a worldwide organization, and the process has been really drawn out. I guess that all happened for a reason. If it were a normal situation, I would have just started when everything went down. Instead, I got the offer the Friday before returning to work. The following Friday, I gave my two weeks notice. All that I've been through, solidified that life it too short to be spent doing something that doesn't feed your soul. I have a week left at my current job. It is getting increasingly difficult for me, as I truly love so many of those I work with. I feel very alone out here in some ways, and they are there for me- every day. I missed them when I was home with the illness. I didn't miss the job - I missed the people. Today, things were really hitting me from the one guy, who we yell out one another's name when we see each other (even if across the plant), to another who always has an energetic "Happy Hump Day" on Wednesdays. If it wasn't for where I work, I wouldn't know "White Five," who became my brother. I feel like I'm abandoning him there, and it breaks my heart. My immediate co-workers are truly fantastic people. Really, the list goes on and on. I will miss a lot of people, but at the same time, I'm excited for this new opportunity at the new company. It felt so comfortable through that long ass interview. It was familiar, as it's so similar to the place I worked for ten years. I'm worried that I leave my current job a much more jaded person than before I started (and less trusting), and it's a real concern that I'll bring that to the new workplace. That isn't me…. I'm overly trusting and naïve, but in my life, I have been rewarded for having an open heart. I hope that all isn't loss - but seeing some of the things I've seen here - worries me. I need to remember all the good. I've received so much support (as being hauled out by an ambulance recently - people just want me happy and healthy), but there has been an equal amount of Oh Shit…what are we going to do. One of my supplier's really had the most complementary things to say, and that goes so far with me.

I was doing really fucking awesome with my diet until this last week. Giving notice was very hard for me, oh, and I bought a "new to me" vehicle. It's nothing special, but it has 200,000 less miles than the one I've been driving. Ha! It's not fancy, but at the same time, it's fancy to me. I had to ask the dealer how to use the remote start (although I can't remember how). I didn't want a car payment, but I was smart about what I bought, and have to just let the money part not be a stress. All of this, and the thought of starting a new job at 46 years old - oh and not being fully recovered…. - has been a lot. The countdown lunches have begun, with every day this week and every day next week are already accounted for. I do best when I don't eat out…oops.  An ex-coworker came and took me to lunch today. It really was nice to visit with her. I was absent from so many relationships as I was sick - it's nice to ease back into the friendships that are important to me.

I hope your day has been wonderful and your Friday and weekend are even better. I hope you can give yourself permission to be human - as I have - tonight. I went to get a bottle of wine, and walked past some Suzy- Q's. Yeah, it went down. I need to be better, but I'm so working on not beating myself up. Life is too short. I think about that daily now. Please, make the most of every day here, while making health a priority - without feeling deprived every moment of every day.

I hope you enjoy this song. It certainly resonated with me.
Cheers,
​
Jen

Happy Tuesday! At this point, I'm excited just to know what day it is. It doesn't take long of being off of work to become disconnected from the calendar. A coworker and I often walk in at the same time, and he always says, "Day one of five," or counts down by whatever day it is. These last couple of weeks, I think of the day in terms of doctors appointments, baseball games, swim practices, school meetings, etc.

Two weeks ago, I got up for a doctor's appointment, after a really poor night of sleep. I felt as tired as I ever have. I felt out of it, but I'd been feeling out of it a lot lately. My blood pressure was sky high, and the Dr. seemed really concerned. I'd gone in to talk to her about my hormone issues, and she spent a great amount of time going over everything with me - but her biggest concern of the moment - was my B.P. She told me she was afraid I was going to, "stroke out." She had my attention…that was for sure, but I guess - not enough. I went to work, feeling overly tired and out of it. Brian was off that day, and had told me I didn't look well and should stay home. As usual though, I was being hard on myself - for not getting good sleep. The restlessness was mostly caused by my inability to deal with things, and I was not going to waste a precious vacation day on something I'd caused. I was only at work a short while before realizing, I couldn't function. My brain was foggy, as had been happening lately, but this was in a much bigger way. I went home (but I really shouldn't have driven) and slept very hard. I felt more clear when I woke up, but I was still exhausted. I couldn't get out of bed, missing Ryne's baseball game.

I felt better the next day and into the next morning, but that Thursday afternoon, it all came crashing down. I'd just had a smoothie, herbal tea, and shot of aloe for lunch. I was determined to do everything I could to start feeling better. Suddenly, I felt a rush of blood to my head and was really out of it. I got up to try walking it off, when my coworker/friend who sits next to me saw me, and knew something was wrong. I could answer questions, but it was taking time for things to come out of my mouth. I was going to go home, but she wouldn't let me drive (thank God) and she talked about me going to see a Dr. I felt worse and my speech began to be more affected, and I could no longer stand. By this time, a coworker (who I believe is a volunteer fireman) was involved along with some others, and they called an ambulance. I felt everything quickly getting worse, and thought…shit…I'm having a stroke.

My B.P. was extremely high in the E.R. and fairly quickly a lab on my potassium came back very low. Once they I started getting potassium through I.V. and pills, I began to feel better. It took hours for the use of my legs again, but I was grateful to have them. My speech came back, although with a stutter. I was in the hospital until the following evening when an MRI came back that I had not had a stroke. I was beyond happy to know it wasn't a stroke, but I now had a migraine, I had zero reaction to reflex in my left leg and my speech was still altered. I was told to follow up with my normal Dr.

I knew my left leg was weaker than my right, but I was still able to get around. I hated my speech, but I could at least talk. I went back to work on Tuesday, but it was really tough. I was so damn tired - walking down the hall would tire me out. The next day I saw my Dr (our follow up for the hormones - so it all worked out - because it had taken weeks for me to get in to her for the first appointment. I cannot express how much I love this Dr. She really took the time with me and talked through a lot of things. My leg still had no reaction (and still doesn't), and we found that I was delayed with reaction on my left side. I started to get upset when I had issues with reaction with my arm, but she quickly brought me back in. My potassium was back up, so it was unusual for me to still have issues with speech and weakness. She referred me to neurology, and was able to get me in to see him, two days later.

Neurology was frustrating…. I did not realize just how much weaker my left leg than my right, and I did not know my left arm was so weak as well. Still, we had no answers on why this was happening. My labs were looking good, so he said he wasn't "majorly concerned," and referred me to physical therapy and speech therapy. He also ordered an EEG (which I had yesterday but don't have results yet). Again, the consensus is there was no stroke, because my MRI in the hospital had been good.

What was determined in the hospital was my potassium was being depleted by my B.P. medication. When my B.P. had spiked, the Dr. had doubled that same medication - after two days of the doubled med, I was in the hospital. The irony in all of this - is I nearly took myself off of the B.P. med some months ago. My B.P. was really good, but my Dr. was unable to tell me how much it would go up if I went off of it. I thought I'd give myself a little more time, and then the hormomes/depression stuff started and I stayed on it…

If you've read this blog in recent months, you know I have really been struggling with depression. It hit me like a ton of bricks. It has been unlike anything I've ever experienced. I had this awful fatigue, and my limbs would feel so heavy. I had terrible constipation, and my B.P. began to get crazy high. All of these things….are amongst the top things that happen with low potassium. I spent last night reading stories of people who thought they were going crazy and went into dark places, how tired they were, etc….because of low potassium. I had not been feeling well at all for a while, and then that dreadful O.B. didn't do any labs - instead putting me on an anti-depressant. This last month when things were getting really bad, I chalked it up to the Zoloft. At this point, I don't know how much or if any of the things (outside of not being able to feel a fucking thing) I was experiencing and chalking up to the Zoloft were actually related to Zoloft - or the low potassium. The relief with knowing everything could be a side effect of the low potassium, is the best news ever. I could not keep going on feeling like that. Since leaving the hospital and having the potassium replenished, I have not been experiencing any of those things. I've pooped three days in a row! I know you didn't want to know that, but it is life changing :)

The last three days I've felt better and better. I put my fitbit back on, on Sat. I worked hard and got 3,000 steps. Sunday I worked up to 4,000. Yesterday I worked my ass off (actually too much - I'm kinda down for the count right now) and hit 8,000 steps. My brain wants to go, but I feel my legs not having the strength. As I get more tired, it feels like my left leg is just dead. I worry my legs will just go out underneath me. I want to do so many things (which is a feeling I really missed), but my body is not working with me yet - but it is improving. My speech is improved each day over the past three days as well. It gets worse as I get tired, but it has come a very long way. It had really worried me, as it seemed to be getting worse, day by day for a while.

I don't have answers from my doctors yet, but I'm beyond grateful for a friend of mine, who is a dermatologist. She did a lot of research and told me last night what she thinks could be happening. In a nutshell, it sounds like my muscles are still spasming from the lack of potassium to my muscles.This can go on for a while, although it varies between people. It should be corrected with my therapies and time. (Or my prayer is they stop on their own-soon). This is rare, but it explains why I'm still having the weakness on my left side and in my speech - and why things get worse when I'm tired - my muscles are tired. This mimics (physically) a stroke. My mind has been good through everything, so to me, this sounds like the reason. It's the only thing that makes sense. I pray this is correct, as it means it wasn't a stroke - because I've been fearful it was a TIA stroke or Petite Mal stroke. This has scared the shit out of me. I know these can slip by an MRI, and until the muscle spasm explanation, I truly believed that's what happened.

I'm sorry for my rambling, but it is what has been going on. I will say this….provided I do completely recover - I'm glad this happened. It was terrifying, but I believe it will end all I've been going through in recent months. Yesterday, I totally felt like myself. It had been so long, I hardly recognized it. It felt great. This scare put me back on track with my diet. I finally quit drinking pop. I mean, it only took hospitalization, but hey - I quit. I'm again thinking about everything I put in my body. I'm weaning off of the Zoloft. I'd taken half the dosage the past two weeks and will only take half, every other day for the next two weeks before being free from it. I'm off of the birth control pill and most of my supplements as well. I need to have anything with hormones out of my system for a month before we do the testing for menopause, etc. I still have the awful night sweats and hormone related stuff, but I can live with this for now. I'm excited to keep pushing my body. I'm craving boot camp (I know - wtf….), but I can't wait to go again. The meme above means a lot more…because I was last before, but this will likely be a road to hoe, and I will be last by even further for a while. Then, one day I won't be. I feel like the sky is the limit, and I'm excited to get back to everything these past months have stolen from me. (At the same time, my ass is so kicked today from those 8,000 steps - I need to try and be smart about everything).

My friends and family have been amazing through it all. My friend followed the ambulance and stayed with me until Brian got to the hospital. Other coworkers stopped by the ER as well. I sent Brian home that night for a while to get the boys fed and everything, and a friend kept me company while he was gone. The same friend took me to my dear friend Lynn's, daughter's wedding. I didn't want to miss it, but I could not have done that myself (Brian had to go back to work). Friends have brought over meals, snacks, wine, flowers, and been so wonderful about checking in. A couple of coworkers had asked me for Ryne's baseball schedule at the beginning of the season, and I was so happily surprised when one of them came with his girlfriend on Saturday to watch Ryne play (in the freezing cold). On Sunday, I heard from all three of my coworkers from our little cube land, one even driving 45 min each way just to check in and bring us farm fresh eggs. Really, the people I work with have been great. I was so humiliated to have been taken away from there by ambulance and equally humiliated that they heard my speech that one day at work last week. They have all gone out of their way to make everything feel normal, though.

I weigh 8 pounds more than I did at my lowest. The number on the scale means much less to me, but I have a renewed energy about my health. I was surprised to learn that low potassium is rarely caused by diet, but my eating/drinking habits were not very good that 5 weeks I was on the full strength of Zoloft. I cared about nothing, and eating was the one thing that felt good. That month could have been a small contributing factor to everything crashing, but I'm relieved to know it wouldn't have been the only factor. I know I will forever be diligent about my health moving forward (with of course room for some indulges as I've always made room for). I'm excited to getting to where I was fitness wise and beyond. For now, I know that diet is the biggest change you can make if you want to change your weight. We don't have any excuses - despite how much we can do right now, physically.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and will find out when I will be released back to work. The original note is through tomorrow, but I know she wants to evaluate me again. My B.P. continues to be weird, but I assume the spasms are causing it. My sodium tests are good, so the B.P. is a little confusing.
 
Brian has been off this last week, so it has been nice to have him here with me. We hardly ever get to see one another, so this has been a treat.

I hope this Tuesday is finding you well and you're able to seize the day - in whatever way makes you happiest.
​
~Jen

Happy Saturday! I hope you are enjoying a three day weekend. It's amazing what just one extra day can do for a person.

I saw the above meme, and thought…yes….seriously….sometimes getting out of bed is the win. A while ago, when talking to my therapist about the fatigue - not thinking anyone would be able to understand - she said, "It must be exhausting just getting out of bed and then going to work." Knowing the place I was in, she congratulated me on what I had been able to do. Yes, congratulated me on functioning….and I knew she got it. Just the acknowledgment of the struggle meant so much to me. With the weight loss really came a boundless energy. I reveled in the fact that I was living at all times. I needed to experience life, to make the most of every moment. When the hormones/depression hit, it was if someone just plucked that part of my brain out of my head. During my last actual cycle, I came home from Cal's swim meet and went right to bed. It was probably mid-afternoon. I woke up 17 hours later. I'm not a great sleeper, so that was stunning to me. When I awoke, I just remember thinking I wanted to go back to sleep - but I figured out how many hours I'd been down and made myself get up and go grocery shopping, etc. I did not want to lose to this. The next weekend, I was down 20 hours. Night after night I would get home from work and feed the boys then go right to bed. It was that way for quite some time. It is a foreign feeling to me - this exhaustion. My arms actually feel heavy from my elbows to my shoulders. I feel it right now. Thankfully, this is getting better, though.

I was very hopeful going into my appointment with the OB. I was looking forward to speaking with someone familiar with menopause or whatever the fuck is going on. I believe it was a 5 week wait to get into see her. I took time off of work, drove the half hour to the appointment - where she walked in - without reading any of the notes the nurse had just taken - brought up the spotting/bleeding and said it could be normal for a woman my age and was ready to walk out. I stopped her, got her attention and then she tried to thrown an anti-depressant at me. I questioned her and then she went to a different brand, again I questioned her and now a third brand. She kept bringing up my age, and in defeat I just agreed and let her leave. She was in the room less than ten minutes. I then drove the hour to work, feeling worse than when I had walked in.

The depression continued over the next week, plus. On a Sunday, something really meaningless got to me. It was something small that would have gotten my attention before, but not caused me much pause for thought. This thing had me weeping. I could not quit weeping and on the drive to work the next day, I threw in the towel and decided to try the antidepressant. With all of my being, I did not want to take something. I am a firm believer in food/exercise healing most things. At this point, I was (and still am) taking nine different vitamins/supplements designed for better health and directly to better mental health and menopause. On top of this, I carry calming stones or wear the bracelets, I use essential oil. I also use salt lamps. Still, I could not beat this. In defeat, I started Zoloft that night.

In the beginning, Zoloft really messed my head up. I would get very foggy, and things were not connecting. It actually was scary for a bit, but thankfully that part started to settle down. I knew it would be a process - and not an easy one. From there, I lost my ability to feel things. I went from feeling everything way too much - to feeling  nothing. I've sat across from people who would tell me heartbreaking things, and I would know it was sad and want to be there for them, but I would feel empty, unable to connect. I've worked hard on being there for people during all of this, I truly have. I empathize with things people are going through….it's just all changed. I no longer cry. I seriously can't cry. It is the weirdest feeling. I know this is too much. I just kept trying to go the full month on this to see if it would all even out. I'm a few days away from a month now, and it is getting better - but I am far from myself. Yesterday and today have been the best since taking the med, and I'm praying….it will all fall into place soon. What truly sucks about all that's been going on, is at one point (pre meds), I had 3-4 good days. Those were days that I thought were the beginning of being healed. Then, what would be my cycle hit (an off-month on the pill), and although I don't have a cycle - I still get the feels. In fact, here I am again, coming off another cycle of those feels - but in much different way.

I'm angry this has happened. I truly am. I feel like my life has been stolen from me. I love to live in a moment, to appreciate things that are often lost in the rush of life. I love to think about the best part of the worst day. Through this, I've had to work hard to see anything, to feel anything. The last time I hiked, I repeatedly made myself stop to just look at the trees, Jesse, the creeks, anything to feel alive. It would barely touch me. Working out doesn't give me the pleasure and satisfaction of treating my body well. I've been eating terribly, as my caring about anything has been gone… With this, I have an appointment set up in a week and a half to see an old Dr. of mine. Although she is not an OB, she is someone who listens and takes the time. I will continue to take the Zoloft until she can give me some different direction. My actual cycle will hit this next time, and I am terrified of it…terrified. It's why I won't take myself off of this med right now.

Going through this, I know how lucky I am to have the people I do in my life. I have a friend who has been through some of these exact things, and if I've had wine, I can bring myself to talk to her about it. It is helpful to know some of the crazy things I experience have happened to other people. I have one friend who sends me the sweetest things every once in a while. I know she'll always be there, and that's a comfort. Although I feel alone, I know I am not. I am blessed to have great friends and family, but in going through all of this - I have not wanted to talk to people about it. Who want to hear how fucking sad and depressed someone is, or how they have zero zest for life - or how they feel like they fail every single person in their life that they love? There's a genuine fear of judgment over this being exaggerated, or the choice to take Zoloft, or being the burden I already feel like I am. I don't think I could have understood any of this before, having not gone through it myself. I certainly don't expect people who love me to understand it.

Having said all of this - yesterday and today have been much better than the other days on this med. Yesterday, I functioned much higher than I thought I would be able to do - even going out of my comfort zone on something - and playing the part of a confident, intelligent woman, and nailing it. Going into it, I didn't think I could. Today, the family and I will go bowling together. The part of me - that refuses to lose to this - is reawakening. I will continue to pray to God for mercy through this and to pull through. As it has been, I have felt undeserving of this beautiful life he has given me.

A post like this, was never my intention for this blog. My hope has always been to be in a place to inspire. At the same time, this is where I am….but it is not where I'll stay. I will get through this. I promise.

I hope you all have a wonderful Easter. Please enjoy every single moment of your friends and family.

Love,

Jen

​Happy Sunday! I hope you're enjoying the kind of day that makes your soul glow.

I can't say that my soul is glowing, but I pray it will again soon. The fact that I am writing today (and hopefully I do this without deleting it all when I'm done) is a giant fucking step for me. In normal times, I'm writing in my head - every single day. I'm thinking about changes to the book, sentence by sentence, or deleting the whole first third of it. I write the blog in my head. It's a normal part of my day. I've done none of the above for quite some time. Every time I think about the blog, I would shut myself down. I would beat myself up. Surely, nobody needs to hear about what I've been going through. I hate it. I don’t know why anyone would willingly want to know these things, but my promise to myself has always been to write about the good and the bad. I sat across the table from one of the most important people in my life last Saturday morning and expressed some of the things I've been experiencing. It was really one of the hardest things I've ever done:  to show someone who loves you just how broken you are. She is someone I've always shared everything with and there was no hiding things. She would not allow it. Still, the fear is if people know just how hard things are in that moment, they will leave. It's all a funny cycle, because being this down - I haven't wanted to be around anyone. So, having a fear people will leave, when you don't want anyone - is not rational, but none of this has felt rational or sane.

I've been feeling down for months now. I was finally able to tie it together with my hormones, last month. The spotting and stomach issues started months ago, so it makes sense that I would start to get down, and not understand where things were coming from. There has been no single event, or even group of events that have gotten me sad. It would be a million times easier if that were the case, if I had a real focus on what was causing it. Last month/this month is when the spotting just wouldn't stop. I think it was nearly 7 weeks straight. I've only quit in the last few days. Coincidentally, there were good parts to Friday and Saturday, and now today - when I find the strength to write - but not get out of bed. For a couple/three weeks it was the worst feeling I've ever experienced - especially when my actual cycle hit. It was a madness/sadness I hope nobody ever has to experience. I spent every moment I could in bed. I slept and slept but could never get rested. My body was heavy (and still is but not nearly as bad). It hurt to move at times. I would drive home from work and fight myself from falling asleep at the wheel. Getting through each day and trying to act/function as a normal person is tiring beyond belief.

It was important to a friend of mine who was turning 5-0 for me to be there to celebrate with her. I was not well as the planning was going on, but I figure it would be short lived - that I would long be better by the time of the trip. Tears would stream down my face as I played the part of the friend who was excited to celebrate. I knew my normal self would be so glad I made the plans with her. I kept thinking over and over how blessed I was to have someone want to spend their big birthday with me. I was unable to commit to going home, though. Even believing I would be better, I could not commit to going home and being around people. She decided she wanted it small, and we would leave town. So, although I was flying home, our time was spent out at a lodge an hour from where I used to live. There ended up still being some fallout from some, that I didn't visit while out that way, but I simply couldn't. To me, I felt like, disappointment, failure, burden were written across my forehead. I did not want to be some crying mess (as I was last Saturday morning sitting across from my friend), when seeing people I loved. The funny thing is, at any other time, I would have loved seeing everyone. I really have a great group of supportive, fun, loving friends and family out there. It breaks my heart that depression took that from me.

For the weeks leading up to the trip, I did not think I would be able to go. I was just trying to get through each hour, and the trip was something I couldn't see happening. If the ticket would have been for the week before, I would not have been able to go. It was not until the night before, that I knew I would go. It took everything I had to get on that plane. I just knew I couldn't disappointment my friend - even though in my mind, she would be so much better off without me there - I knew she wouldn't understand.

I met these two friends through an Autism support group. We have been through a lot together, and I really couldn't have asked for better people to be around. I was not myself but tried very hard. For the first time in quite some time, I felt real joy, when I zip lined. Zip lining generally scares the shit out of me. The last time I went, the only time I took one hand off the line was for a photo. This time, I was fearless and did everything but hold onto the rope. I felt so alive. I again felt pure joy, when watching my friend who is now divorced, light up while reading a message on her phone. I pointed to her, and told our other friend, "She's talking to a boy." She looked so happy, and that brought a real happiness to me. She deserves wonderful things.  The last day, the birthday girl and I went to hike Beacon Rock. On a normal day, it's not a real difficult hike. It's pretty steep, but it's only a mile up. That day, however, the trail was covered in snow and ice. Early in the hike, my friend turned around. I was okay with her turning back, as there was another couple that turned back at the same time. I knew she would be safe. There was something in me, that would not let myself turn back. I had to get to the top. Each step was like a chess match. There were places that were a little terrifying,  but I kept going. When I reached the top, I was disappointed it wasn't further up. I desperately wanted to hold onto the feeling of being alive. In the middle of all that has been going on, I think of that hike as my favorite of all time. When I was coming back down, near the end, a grown mother and son were starting the hike. I told them a couple of places that were coming up, that they really needed to watch. The woman looked at me and said, "You're so brave." It was as if she was speaking a foreign language to me. Brave, is far from how I've felt.

I turned 46 this week. I didn't want the day to come. I knew I would have to talk to people. I knew I would have to fake happiness. It was a very different birthday than most, especially recent years. I felt as alone as I've ever felt but at the same time, I was terrified of seeing anyone. I went through great lengths to spend it alone. I was happy when I woke up on Thursday, knowing my birthday was over. Depression wins again….

A good friend was wanting to come for my birthday. I would not let her, but she was persistent and came up with a band that was playing in the town I live in on Friday. I agreed, knowing it was the only way to know she wouldn't just show up at my house on my birthday. Other than the trip, I haven't done anything social in a while. We had a good time, and I was glad she got me out. I know this is huge. Even though I still don't feel right, being able to enjoy myself, was a huge victory. It means I'm getting better, much better.

I made myself get out and hike yesterday. It was a shitty day out, and not a great hike. Still, I made myself do it for me. Tomorrow I will go to boot camp. I'm not afraid of the workouts, it's the social part that scares me. Again, feeling like things are written on my forehead. I pledge to work really hard on my diet this week. I need to throw myself into something healthy. I plan on watching a couple of food documentaries tonight to get me in that zone.

I have been continuing to take Vit D drops, Evening Primrose, and a hormone cream, along with my other vitamin supplements, and continue to go to therapy. I feel like depression has defeated me. When it takes hold, I began to feel myself drowning in pain, reliving things that have healed, and my head would spin over and over until it no longer felt like I was drowning, it felt like I had drown. Still, when I could - I would fight for myself. I would get out of bed an go to work. I would drink those smoothies. I worked on my vision board, appreciating the things I removed (because I had achieved), removing something that was not healthy for me and adding things that were. I will spare you from just how bad it all was. I can't even think about it. I'm terrified it will happen again with my next cycle, or I'll start spotting again today. Still, I see the OB tomorrow and will hopefully develop a plan. I feel as if I've drown, yes, but I will continue to work to get myself healthy. I've taken a lot of steps backwards, but today, I'm thinking of those that I took that were forward.
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I'm grateful to those of you who have stayed with me, even as I disappeared or have pushed away. I'm thankful to a friend who just showed up at my work on my birthday, when I wasn't making myself available. I'm blessed to be married to someone who will always be there, even though he doesn't understand any of what I'm going through. I'm glad he doesn't understand - because that would mean he would have felt this before, too. I'm happy to the both of you (ha!) that read all of this. I'm sure I lost most after the first sentence or two.
On this Sunday, I truly hope you're able to lead the kind of life you love. I'm working on it. I promise. Here's to good health.
~Jen