Hey, Lucky just came on Pandora. I love this song.
It has really been a crazy few days. I’ve wanted to really take time for the blog, so I can help put my own thoughts together. My favorite saying is still: it sucks to be a grown up. It’s funny, how when we’re young, all we want to do is grow old enough to get out of the house, then we want to turn 21, then get through college. It’s cliché, but I really wish I could’ve appreciated it more, while I was in the moment. I’m sure most of us feel that way.
While we were at the Cubs game this weekend, Ryne said something about Sara being his favorite dog ever. I told him, “Honey, don’t say that. You should love them the same.” He said, “I thought you loved Sara more than Junior.” I said, “Oh no. I love them the same. They are/were both my babies. I love them the same, like I love you and your brother the same.” Ryne looked at me, and said, “I thought you loved Caleb more than me.” Those are the worst words, I’ve ever heard in my life. To tell you the truth, I go through phases of really remembering to show Ryne extra attention, and then other times, I get so caught up in Cal’s needs that I apparently don’t show Ryne how loved he is. This totally crushes my heart. Having one kid that has special needs
and one that is a typical (and can be very challenging-poor kid is just like
me….) is a tough thing. It’s hard to always have that balance, because it seems like I’m always having to spend my energy advocating for Caleb, or arrange his schedule, etc. I feel so defeated by motherhood at this point in time. I wish I could say I’ve spent the past few days solely focused on Ryne and how to make him more included or loved, but I’ve had to deal w/ Cal’s IEP, and what school is best for him. Of course, we want a great school for Ryne, too. However, Ryne will be able to excel wherever he is. He really is a bright kid.
The school district we are looking at would be a great fit for him all
the way around, too. But of course, that’s not why we started looking at other schools. We have to get Cal’s needs met, and it’s clear not every school can meet those needs. Cal wants to change schools. Ryne doesn’t. In changing schools, Ryne will once again be made to feel like we are putting Caleb first. I don’t know how to really fix this. We spoil the hell out of the kids, which isn’t good. I don’t know… I guess once again, I can say that I feel defeated in this moment. I wish I knew how to handle all of these things that come flying at me. We all have our own issues, and some of us handle them better than
others. I just wish I were one of those who could handle it better.
I have therapy today, and I’m really hoping she can guide me some of these things. I clearly can’t figure it all out on my own, that’s for sure. And you’re probably thinking, what does Brian think about all of this? To be honest, he’s just as confused as me, and he’d rather not make these decisions. I guess I can’t blame him. I certainly don’t like doing it.
I’ll add more tonight. I’ve gotta run. Hopefully Brian remembers his laptop tonight.