It feels like so long since I've been on here, I'm really not sure where to start. It all feels so overwhelming.....
I'll start with my Mom coming to visit. It had been 2 1/2 years since we'd seen her. Rural Illinois and Alaska aren't exactly close to each other. It was really nice to see her. In total, I guess she spent about a week at our house. Lordy, Lordy, Lordy was it a busy time. We didn't have as much time as would've been nice to show her the sights, etc., but we did get some of that in. She was here the week of Thanksgiving, so those couple of days leading up to the holiday were chalked full of shopping, and all things feast related. We did a lot of eating out those days. The first couple of days, I was sure to get my steps in, but soon, I just kind of gave up... Really, there was no excuse. I could've made it work. I managed to make it in the cold and through the business the first couple of days.
For Thanksgiving, we had a big house full! My Mom, of course my family, two of my sisters and their families came, an Aunt and Uncle were down from Alaska, my cousin and his family, another cousin and her long time boyfriend, and my sister's BFF (Kim) and her daughter. Kim is like family. She and her daughter attend all of our family stuff. It's been that way for many years. It's the same for my friend, Misty. So cool to have friends that become a real part of the family! Boy Howdy, you can't imagine all of the food we had. It was insane! There was lots of Alaskan seafood, too. There was way too much food, and just enough alcohol :) Well, a couple of runs were made, anyway! Really, it was a fantastic day. Kim's daughter plays the guitar and sings like an Angel. She entertained us, even doing the "Cups" thing, perfectly. Mostly, there was football and laughter. One thing about my family. They are damn funny. At one point, my 6'3 cousin comes out of the garage and has my red satin, h.s. championship basketball coat on. I'd had it on top of a box, as I wasn't sure where to put it. Well, Cole found it. OMG. We were in tears! Caleb had an epic game of Survivor go on that included the whole family. He'd go around asking everyone who they vote for, until there were just 3 of us left. Fortunately, I made it to the final round, but I lost to Kyla (young and pretty). Haha. Story of my life :) I thought it was so wonderful how patient everyone was with Caleb and how the indulged him. Oh, and Ryne is feeling better. He doesn't feel good, yet, but he is leaps and bounds better than he has been the past few months. He even was able to enjoy a lot of the food! What a fantastic day. I will say this, though: having been away from the family for so long, I was very much reminded of how overwhelming things can become to me. There were a couple of times, that I had to hide in the garage. I just needed some quiet. Lord, I'm becoming particular about things in my older age.
Friday came around and I took Mom and my Aunt Kathy to do a little shopping. We just shopped locally, but we were all able to get some things knocked off the lists. Afterward, we headed back to my house and everyone met up once again. This time was so much more relaxing. We put all of the leftovers out, and we all grubbed while watching the Apple Cup. That afternoon, was really the highlight of the week for me. Some of the group was hurting pretty good, as they went out after Thanksgiving was over. It was fun to hear the stories, though. We all laughed until we cried, when poor Kim tried to pin her hangover on "someone must've slipped me something." LOL. Uh, no...it was a good, old fashioned hangover! Alaska style.
Sat. I drove Mom over to Seattle. We did some shopping and stayed in a hotel. She flew out Sunday morning. I drove back later that morning, and let me tell you I could feel the week catching up with me. Yesterday I finally got some real rest. Good golly, was it needed!
Yesterday a friend that I grew up, posted something on fb about a friend of her's, friend posting his suicide note on fb. She ref'd some of the note's content, and how heartbreaking the subsequent panic to save this kid (actually I don't know his age, but I don't think he was really young). My friend commented that she's very fortunate to not really know what depression is. Another friend we grew up with commented with her own personal struggles with depression. I didn't know she had those struggles and was sad to hear it. How brave of her, though. Really. Anyway, I haven't been able to get the contents of the note out of my head. The guy was explaining that it was nobody's fault. That he had, had depression most of his life. In detailing what it feels like, I crumbled inside. His words were verbatim to what I once told my therapist. I wish I didn't "get it." I would give anything not to understand what depression is. Depression is so powerful that it is my biggest fear. I pray it never grabs a hold of me in the worst way again. I literally pray it never returns like that. I know, it's always going to be there. I know I'll always fight it. Thank God, it doesn't define me. Thank God, it doesn't have a hold of me now. It's been trying to sneak in lately....but I want to live. Of course I mean in the literal sense, but more than that, I mean to live a life out loud. To really live. To enjoy life. I know how blessed I am. I think of what we have living under this house, and I feel so undeserving of such miracles, but they are my miracles, and I'll live every day for them. And in the process, I'm trying to learn how to live for me, too. It seems like I live for everyone else. I live for the approval from people. I live to be there for those that I love. People can trust me, and they give me all the reason in the world for me to trust them. But I don't seem to let people in for me. I think that part has gotten worse, or lost in the past year or two. I'm a work in progress. I guess I always will be. Anyway, back to this guy who wrote the note. He spoke of it not being anyone's fault and didn't want anyone to hurt by his decision (I'm sure I'm not paraphrasing correctly). I feel for his family, for his friends....for those who probably thought they could've "saved him." I will pray for them all, but mostly I will pray for him. I can't imagine having that deep, deep depression for so very long. To have it consume you so much, and he knew right from wrong but just could no longer deal with it. I pray that he's found peace. I pray that if anyone reading this knows this pain, that you find help. It's not easy...but help is there. There is no shame in antidepressants, therapy or any of those things. I know a lot of people read this blog at times, and I just felt like I needed to say this. I hope you don't think I'm on some sort of soap box or anything. I can just say....depression is the worst...
Okay, heavy, heavy, heavy. I knew I wanted to talk about it, but I wasn't sure how it was going to come out.
Lastly, (because I can't leave on that note) I'm happy to say that I've actually gotten quite a bit of my Christmas shopping done. I've done most of it online, and I have to say fathead, NFLshop, Nascar, and even something off of QVC (don't judge!) have all taken a pretty penny from me, but it was so nice to do it from home. Mostly, because I can find exactly what I'm looking for. This is the first time I've done most of my shopping, online. So far, I like it. Now, I just hope all the stuff actually gets here.
Oh, and lest I forget...the whole reason I started this entry: my weigh ins... Week 11 (first day of period). I lost 2 fucking ounces... I got down to 0.0 without getting to that next number. As much as that sucks...I gained 5 fucking pounds last week. I NEED TO PULL MY SHIT TOGETHER. Too much alcohol and too much food. I wish I could say that I've gotten off to a good start this week, but I really haven't. I walked Jesse 4 miles today, but that's the extent of my healthy-ness this week. What a fat fuck...