I saw the above meme, and thought…yes….seriously….sometimes getting out of bed is the win. A while ago, when talking to my therapist about the fatigue - not thinking anyone would be able to understand - she said, "It must be exhausting just getting out of bed and then going to work." Knowing the place I was in, she congratulated me on what I had been able to do. Yes, congratulated me on functioning….and I knew she got it. Just the acknowledgment of the struggle meant so much to me. With the weight loss really came a boundless energy. I reveled in the fact that I was living at all times. I needed to experience life, to make the most of every moment. When the hormones/depression hit, it was if someone just plucked that part of my brain out of my head. During my last actual cycle, I came home from Cal's swim meet and went right to bed. It was probably mid-afternoon. I woke up 17 hours later. I'm not a great sleeper, so that was stunning to me. When I awoke, I just remember thinking I wanted to go back to sleep - but I figured out how many hours I'd been down and made myself get up and go grocery shopping, etc. I did not want to lose to this. The next weekend, I was down 20 hours. Night after night I would get home from work and feed the boys then go right to bed. It was that way for quite some time. It is a foreign feeling to me - this exhaustion. My arms actually feel heavy from my elbows to my shoulders. I feel it right now. Thankfully, this is getting better, though.
I was very hopeful going into my appointment with the OB. I was looking forward to speaking with someone familiar with menopause or whatever the fuck is going on. I believe it was a 5 week wait to get into see her. I took time off of work, drove the half hour to the appointment - where she walked in - without reading any of the notes the nurse had just taken - brought up the spotting/bleeding and said it could be normal for a woman my age and was ready to walk out. I stopped her, got her attention and then she tried to thrown an anti-depressant at me. I questioned her and then she went to a different brand, again I questioned her and now a third brand. She kept bringing up my age, and in defeat I just agreed and let her leave. She was in the room less than ten minutes. I then drove the hour to work, feeling worse than when I had walked in.
The depression continued over the next week, plus. On a Sunday, something really meaningless got to me. It was something small that would have gotten my attention before, but not caused me much pause for thought. This thing had me weeping. I could not quit weeping and on the drive to work the next day, I threw in the towel and decided to try the antidepressant. With all of my being, I did not want to take something. I am a firm believer in food/exercise healing most things. At this point, I was (and still am) taking nine different vitamins/supplements designed for better health and directly to better mental health and menopause. On top of this, I carry calming stones or wear the bracelets, I use essential oil. I also use salt lamps. Still, I could not beat this. In defeat, I started Zoloft that night.
In the beginning, Zoloft really messed my head up. I would get very foggy, and things were not connecting. It actually was scary for a bit, but thankfully that part started to settle down. I knew it would be a process - and not an easy one. From there, I lost my ability to feel things. I went from feeling everything way too much - to feeling nothing. I've sat across from people who would tell me heartbreaking things, and I would know it was sad and want to be there for them, but I would feel empty, unable to connect. I've worked hard on being there for people during all of this, I truly have. I empathize with things people are going through….it's just all changed. I no longer cry. I seriously can't cry. It is the weirdest feeling. I know this is too much. I just kept trying to go the full month on this to see if it would all even out. I'm a few days away from a month now, and it is getting better - but I am far from myself. Yesterday and today have been the best since taking the med, and I'm praying….it will all fall into place soon. What truly sucks about all that's been going on, is at one point (pre meds), I had 3-4 good days. Those were days that I thought were the beginning of being healed. Then, what would be my cycle hit (an off-month on the pill), and although I don't have a cycle - I still get the feels. In fact, here I am again, coming off another cycle of those feels - but in much different way.
I'm angry this has happened. I truly am. I feel like my life has been stolen from me. I love to live in a moment, to appreciate things that are often lost in the rush of life. I love to think about the best part of the worst day. Through this, I've had to work hard to see anything, to feel anything. The last time I hiked, I repeatedly made myself stop to just look at the trees, Jesse, the creeks, anything to feel alive. It would barely touch me. Working out doesn't give me the pleasure and satisfaction of treating my body well. I've been eating terribly, as my caring about anything has been gone… With this, I have an appointment set up in a week and a half to see an old Dr. of mine. Although she is not an OB, she is someone who listens and takes the time. I will continue to take the Zoloft until she can give me some different direction. My actual cycle will hit this next time, and I am terrified of it…terrified. It's why I won't take myself off of this med right now.
Going through this, I know how lucky I am to have the people I do in my life. I have a friend who has been through some of these exact things, and if I've had wine, I can bring myself to talk to her about it. It is helpful to know some of the crazy things I experience have happened to other people. I have one friend who sends me the sweetest things every once in a while. I know she'll always be there, and that's a comfort. Although I feel alone, I know I am not. I am blessed to have great friends and family, but in going through all of this - I have not wanted to talk to people about it. Who want to hear how fucking sad and depressed someone is, or how they have zero zest for life - or how they feel like they fail every single person in their life that they love? There's a genuine fear of judgment over this being exaggerated, or the choice to take Zoloft, or being the burden I already feel like I am. I don't think I could have understood any of this before, having not gone through it myself. I certainly don't expect people who love me to understand it.
Having said all of this - yesterday and today have been much better than the other days on this med. Yesterday, I functioned much higher than I thought I would be able to do - even going out of my comfort zone on something - and playing the part of a confident, intelligent woman, and nailing it. Going into it, I didn't think I could. Today, the family and I will go bowling together. The part of me - that refuses to lose to this - is reawakening. I will continue to pray to God for mercy through this and to pull through. As it has been, I have felt undeserving of this beautiful life he has given me.
A post like this, was never my intention for this blog. My hope has always been to be in a place to inspire. At the same time, this is where I am….but it is not where I'll stay. I will get through this. I promise.
I hope you all have a wonderful Easter. Please enjoy every single moment of your friends and family.