feeling that way this week and progressively more so as the day goes by. Today may be due to the fact that I forgot my backpack at home (which has my wallet and my meds….) But I don’t think that’s really it. I think my mind’s trying to take me where I don’t want to go, but I’m going to fight it. I won’t lie. There’s been some monster stress in my life lately. And I haven’t dealt with it in a healthy manner this week (eating and then drank a bottle of Shiraz last night-which was actually really great, but not a long term solution). I know that if I’m feeling invisible, a lot of it is my own fault. I’ve done a lot of hiding out in my room. I’m terrible about getting back to people. I returned a message last
night that I thought was from a couple of weeks ago, but it was from a freaking
month ago (and it was from one of my closest friends). So, this week, when I feel like I’m just a courier/child care provider from my husband, it really comes back to the fact that I haven’t given anything, either. I haven’t given him a
reason to not look at me as such. I’ve been hiding in the room all week. Probably trying to make myself invisible…. It’s kinda funny when you think about the analogy of being invisible, and the fact that I am fat. That’s a lot of invisible, right there. Oh yes, and I’m also feeling very invisible at work. I think it’s because I’m so unfulfilled with my career choice. I don’t know… I work with a great bunch of people, but any fucking monkey can do this job.
So, I’m switching gears now…. I’ve always felt that I was pretty perceptive. In fact, it’s what one of my close friends and her Mom has always said about me. I’ve always felt that I am, but that doesn’t mean that like it. Maybe I’m always looking for the bad, I don’t know. But anyway, one of my closest friends was recently telling me that she has a hard time reading me. She mentioned that I don’t share how I’m really feeling about things. It caught me a little off guard, because I thought if anyone could read me, it was her. But she’s right. I don’t always share how I’m feeling about things (with the exception of this blog…it gives me the opportunity to let things out. I picture nobody reading it, and it could be close to nobody…but it’s an outlet for me). And then I totally mis-read that same friend last week. I’ve been really worried about her, when what she was referring to (in limited discussion) was actually a positive thing. I thought she was making this huge life change, and I was worried that it was going to be so hard for her. Turns out it was just discussion about her 40th (birthday party) next year. Man, I felt like a dummy. I told her about it today, and she’s like why didn’t you ask me? Well, I was giving her time to do what I thought she needed to do, and I didn’t want to ask her about something that might be painful for her. Stupid. So, I guess I’m not as perceptive as I think about things/people. I need to be better about asking questions and I need to be better about telling people what I need from them (hubby, kids, and friends, all). I think a lot of us are like that. Well, at least hopefully it’s not just this invisible girl…..
I saw the new video for Pink yesterday (for the song, Try). Wow. That girl is so damn talented. She is crazy, good. And some of her lyrics are so chilling. It’s as if she sings what’s written on my soul. Holy cow…. She really just blows me away. I’m obsessed with most of the album. There are a couple of songs that still need to grow on me… But anyway, I’ll add the lyrics to The Truth About
Love on here. She’s right on with so much of it. It’s not a statement about my marriage, though. My husband does a good job of loving someone who makes themselves invisible. Oh, btw, my friend and I have a disagreement on this line from the song: A strange fascination with his lips and toes. I think she’s writing about sucking his toes. What do you think???? Come on invisible people, let me know ; )
I’ll quit this depressing rant and hope for better tomorrow.
Much Love,
Jen
"The Truth About Love"
The truth about love comes at 3am
You wake up fucked up and you
grab a pen
And you say to yourself
I'm gonna figure it out, I'm gonna
crack that code
Gonna break it break it down
I'm tired of all these
questions
And, now it's just annoying
Cause, no one has the answer
So I
guess it's up to me
To find the truth about love
As it comes, and it
goes
A strange fascination with his lips and toes
Morning breath, bedroom
eyes on a smiling face
Sheet marks rug burn, and a sugar glaze
The shock
and the awe that can eat you raw
If the truth about love
I think it
just may be perfect
You're the person of my dreams
I never ever ever ever
been this happy
But now something has changed
And The Truth About Love is
it's all a lie
I thought you were the one, and I hate goodbyes
Oh, you
want the truth?
The truth about love is it's nasty and salty
It's the
regret in the morning, it's the smelling of armpits
It's wings, and songs
And trees, and birds
It's all the poetry that you ever heard
Terror coup
d'etat, life line forget-me-nots
It's the hunt and the kill
The schemes
and the plots
The truth about love is it's blood, and it's guts
Purebreds
and mutts
Sandwiches without the crust
It takes your breath, cause it
leaves a scar
But those untouched never got never got very far
It's rage
and it's hate
And a sick twist of fate
And that's the truth about love
The truth about love
I think it just may be perfect
You're the person
of my dreams
I never ever ever ever been this happy
But now something has
changed
And The Truth About Love is it's all a lie
I thought you were the
one, and I hate goodbyes
Oh you can lose your breath and
Oh, you can
shoot a gun and
Convince you're the only one that's ever felt this way
before
It hurts inside the hurt within and
It folds together pocket thin
and
It's whispered by the angels' lips and
It can turn you into a son of a
bitch man
The truth, the truth, the truth about love is
Truth, the
truth, the truth about love is
Truth, the truth, the truth about love is
Truth, the truth, the truth about love is
Truth, the truth, the truth about
love is
Truth, the truth, the truth about love is
Truth, the truth, the
truth about love is
Truth, the truth, the truth about love is
Truth, the
truth, the truth about love is
Truth, the truth, the truth about love is
Truth, the truth, the truth about love is
Truth, the truth, the truth about
love is
Truth, the truth, the truth about love is
Truth, the truth, the
truth about love is
Truth about love