I so wish I were writing to tell you how I've been kicking ass and taking names. Hopefully, that is coming soon. My diet has been nothing short of atrocious. I'm eating like I'm on My 600 Lb Life. There you are sitting in the garden, clutching my coffee - calling me Sugar, you called me Sugar. Sorry, I'm listening to music as I write, and that line always gets me (Glitter in the Air by Pink). Anyway, it's like I've been eating to fill the voids, to mask the pain, to fill an emptiness. The funny thing is, I haven't really been down. I'm not sure if it's anxiety, but whatever it is, I began to put my shit back in order today. I had been up 8 pounds from my lightest weight for a while, but with the end of my job, a different offer that I really considered before deciding to stay with the original offer, and my Aunt passing away, I just ate and ate and ate….and after not being on the scale for a while, I got on to find I'd gained another 20 pounds in addition to the 8 I'd gained - oh, but that was the end of last week…I got on today and was up another 4. I'd been doing well for so long, I forgot just how quickly I can gain. My metabolism sucks, but mostly it's how out of control I get with the food. I have to work to keep my weight down - just like we all do. I threw it all out the window, but I'm grateful to have "awareness" back. I can honestly say I'm more disgusted by my body and my appearance than I was at my heaviest weight. I couldn't see it then. I can see it now. Every pound of it. With all of this, I'm trying to have some compassion for myself. This is something I've never been very good at, but I have had a lot on my plate lately. I'm beyond thankful that the worst of my illness is behind me. In fact, just in this last week, one of the things that was left over from the episode finally got much better. The one side of my body is much stronger, too. I really truly considered going to Boot Camp tonight, and had told myself I would do half of the reps. Being weaker on one side has made my walk different, though, and I'm putting uneven weight on my foot and leg. I'm afraid if I jump, I'll end up breaking something. It's a weird feeling. I did quite a bit of walking this weekend and really noticed just how off it all is. I know I need to push myself, but I think I should take smaller steps before BC. I'm really hoping I can get there soon, though. I miss the support of it all. I've started again with the 10,000 step daily goal, along with eating like an out of control baboon.
Caleb had a swim meet out of town this weekend. He did so well, and it was exciting to him so pumped up. There were long days at the pool, and it really gave me too much time to think. You know what I mean? There are things I wish I could just quit thinking of or replaying, but my brain just doesn't want to cooperate. Still, I work on the positive with things (as people I love do). I have so much fucking good in my life - why can't I over-think about all of that? I know some of you can relate but wish you couldn't. It's frustrating to say the least.
My new job seems really great. I enjoy the people I work with. I get a little overwhelmed, as is expected - starting a new job is never easy for someone who lacks confidence. In saying this, I must say it's the best start I've ever had to a job - by far. I had been really nervous that I made the right decision in which one to take. Happily, though, I do know it was the right decision to leave my last work place. I'll never believe that I'm one to stay in an office all day, but I am an adult (or so they tell me), with adult bills and adult responsibilities. If I have to have a desk job, this seems like a good fit.
It has been nearly two months, since the potassium hit its low point and put a good scare into me. I think it had been affecting me since at least December, though. That's when I really started noticing some things I couldn't explain or control. Going through all of this, has really stayed with me - there are parts of it I think about every day. Someone I love very much, emotionally told me that she needs me to take care of myself - that she can't lose me. It breaks my heart that she should even ever have to worry about that - especially given the loss she'd just endured. I don’t think I'm going anywhere, but I thought a lot about the promise I made her today as I once again became aware of my food choices. I believe we should all think of our lives like this - wanting to be the healthiest for us and those who love us. We just have this one life on earth. Let's live it to the fucking fullest.
-I'll ask you to please include my Aunt May in your prayers tonight. She will be forever and loved by many.
I'll leave you with a song, I've only heard a few times now - but it always hits me. It's a good one.
Have a wonderful - and healthy week,