Well, I must admit that yesterday’s entry was probably the most personal to date. The depths of my insecurities are really only known by a couple of people. And that took years and years to build up to be able to tell them (and plenty of alcohol). This blog is really a weird thing for me in a lot of ways. Trust is not an easy thing for me. It truly takes years for me to build up with people. And if that trust is broken, it’s gone. And in essence, I remove that person from my life. I only remember one instance, in which I could repair it in my mind. And that was fairly recently. So, me putting those thoughts out there for the world to see is such a weird thing. As I said, most of my closest friends have never even heard some of those things. Of course, the depths of my insecurities go even deeper than I put on paper yesterday, but I don’t want to think of all of them, and I sure as hell figure nobody wants to hear about them.
Knowing where my head was yesterday, I did take some steps in self-care. I woke up with my feelings as raw as they were the evening before. So, even though I really didn’t have time, I took a bath and shaved my legs (along w/ about everything else on my body. I am so f’ing hairy. Gross). Also, as my mind started to overtake me during the day, I made the decision to sweep the
warehouse. This is a 2 hour process, and I just let myself escape to music. After that, I cleaned our God awful work bathroom. It’s supposed to be just for the women (all 2 of us), but the guys use it, too. Oh, My Favorite Mistake just
came on. There’s another game for you. If you were forced to have “one mistake” who would you choose? That’s always a good drinking game. (Or helps the time fly if you’re bored at work). Anyway, I was so out of it when I was cleaning the disgusting bathroom, that I didn’t even get sick cleaning the toilet. I have literally vomited, while cleaning that gross toilet. So, it’s good I was so distracted. Last night Ryne had a band program. I got him so new clothes and dressed him in a tie. He looked so handsome. He plays the trumpet, and of course, we think he did an amazing job. Once we got home, I was completely spent from the events of this week (and my mind). I took the “big girl” anxiety pill. It’s the first time I’ve taken once, since the Dr. prescribed it a couple of months ago. It helped. I was probably asleep by 8:30.
The other night, when I was in my cleaning frenzy, I emailed my friend’s sister that lives about an hour and a half from us. I’ve spent time w/ her, but it’s always been w/ my friend being there. So, in my craziness, and realizing I needed some sort of escape, I emailed her about midnight that night. She’s crazy busy, with a million things, including 2 boys with cerebral palsy. But I asked if she’s ever able to get out for a GNO. She emailed me back, saying that she never gets that luxury, but invited me over for drinks tonight at her house w/ a couple of her friends. At first I was super excited, but now my f’ing mind is starting to f@ck with me. This gal is extremely pretty and beyond fit, and the friends I’ve met of hers are the same. I’m worried I’ll be too self-conscious all night. I’ll be thinking that they’re looking at me, thinking God, how somebody could let themselves get like that? That’s aside from the other normal things I think people think of me. Maybe I should give people more credit than that, but also I can’t blame them if they think like that. It’s what I think. So, now I’m trying to figure out what to do. I could use a night out/away. But not if it’s going to make things worse for me…
Today I’m also working on keeping myself busy. I’ve swept and cleaned up another part of the warehouse that’s been driving me nuts. I hope work gets crazy busy today. I really do need the distraction. I don’t do well, with just doing busy work.
Anyway, I hope you all have a fantastic weekend. I hope you are able to practice
whatever self-care you might find yourself needing.
~Jen
Knowing where my head was yesterday, I did take some steps in self-care. I woke up with my feelings as raw as they were the evening before. So, even though I really didn’t have time, I took a bath and shaved my legs (along w/ about everything else on my body. I am so f’ing hairy. Gross). Also, as my mind started to overtake me during the day, I made the decision to sweep the
warehouse. This is a 2 hour process, and I just let myself escape to music. After that, I cleaned our God awful work bathroom. It’s supposed to be just for the women (all 2 of us), but the guys use it, too. Oh, My Favorite Mistake just
came on. There’s another game for you. If you were forced to have “one mistake” who would you choose? That’s always a good drinking game. (Or helps the time fly if you’re bored at work). Anyway, I was so out of it when I was cleaning the disgusting bathroom, that I didn’t even get sick cleaning the toilet. I have literally vomited, while cleaning that gross toilet. So, it’s good I was so distracted. Last night Ryne had a band program. I got him so new clothes and dressed him in a tie. He looked so handsome. He plays the trumpet, and of course, we think he did an amazing job. Once we got home, I was completely spent from the events of this week (and my mind). I took the “big girl” anxiety pill. It’s the first time I’ve taken once, since the Dr. prescribed it a couple of months ago. It helped. I was probably asleep by 8:30.
The other night, when I was in my cleaning frenzy, I emailed my friend’s sister that lives about an hour and a half from us. I’ve spent time w/ her, but it’s always been w/ my friend being there. So, in my craziness, and realizing I needed some sort of escape, I emailed her about midnight that night. She’s crazy busy, with a million things, including 2 boys with cerebral palsy. But I asked if she’s ever able to get out for a GNO. She emailed me back, saying that she never gets that luxury, but invited me over for drinks tonight at her house w/ a couple of her friends. At first I was super excited, but now my f’ing mind is starting to f@ck with me. This gal is extremely pretty and beyond fit, and the friends I’ve met of hers are the same. I’m worried I’ll be too self-conscious all night. I’ll be thinking that they’re looking at me, thinking God, how somebody could let themselves get like that? That’s aside from the other normal things I think people think of me. Maybe I should give people more credit than that, but also I can’t blame them if they think like that. It’s what I think. So, now I’m trying to figure out what to do. I could use a night out/away. But not if it’s going to make things worse for me…
Today I’m also working on keeping myself busy. I’ve swept and cleaned up another part of the warehouse that’s been driving me nuts. I hope work gets crazy busy today. I really do need the distraction. I don’t do well, with just doing busy work.
Anyway, I hope you all have a fantastic weekend. I hope you are able to practice
whatever self-care you might find yourself needing.
~Jen
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