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Diariesofafatass.com

Remembering how to think.

9/1/2012

5 Comments

 
For many of my friends and I, we are literally finding it harder and harder to think these days  Is this a premenopausal thing?  It's odd that so many of us are experiencing it at the same time.  I swear, sometimes I'll go to remember how to do the easiest of tasks and my brain just turns to mush.  I'll just sit there and work sometimes and give my brain a minute to just turn back on.  WTF?  And let's just say, when it does come back on, it's not 100%  It's at those moments that I wonder, if I were doing something for a living that I really loved (not just something that is okay and provides a paycheck), but something that I was really passionate about, if I'd have these same issues?  This, along with a million other things have been on this tired brain of mine this week.  I can tell you that this week, has been so very challenging in a lot of ways.....

For somebody whose brain doesn't function properly, I sure overthink everything.  So, I've been left wondering if this week was so bad, b/c I just came off a great mini-vaca?  A weekend full of no responsibilities, none of my own stupid dissappointments?  I wasn't at a job that I don't find fulfilling.....  I wasn't thinking of all of those things.  As I'm typing this out, I'm realizing that I lived in the "now" last weekend.  Why in the hell can't I do that everyday?  I have so many amazing, amazing things in my life.  I spend so much of my time feeling the negative (which is funny...because I guess I never considered myself a negative person), that I don't allow myself to feel all of the positive.  I can't do anything about all of the responsibilities in my life.  They're, there.....  We all have them.  For fucks sake, they do tell us we are grown ups, right?  I really don't know why I feel dissappointed at every turn....it all starts with me.  A lot of the time, I feel like what I'm doing isn't good enough.  And you know what, apparently that spills into my relationships, too (my hubby told him that I make him feel like that....in a very big discussion we had this week).  That's so wrong....I don't want to make anyone feel that way: like whatever they do is never good enough.  I certainly don't want to make the most important person in my life feel like that.  So, there will be a lot of internal work coming up.  Learning how to appreciate the positive, instead of finding the negative.  And as far as my job.....it's certainly not my dream job.  But you know what?  It pays the bills.  I need to work harder at it.  I take it forgranted.  I do really like many of my co-workers.  I've even found a father figure there.  Other than ppl that I've referred to as "dad," I've never had that.  I've found him, and I've only been there less than 5 mos.  I really love this guy.  He calls me, "JJ."  I've never had anyone call me that before.  I love it.  Probably b/c it's coming from him.  All this being said, I will appreciate the job I have.  But I really have to start concentrating on the jobs in life that would leave me feeling fulfilled.  I need to be successful in my weight loss.  I know how to do it.  I've even started to figure out why I sabotage myself (which sucks, but it's a start).  But I believe whole heartedly in a Vegan way of life.  And I know it's not for everyone.  I truly do.  For me, it's not like the joke: How can you tell if someone is a vegan?  Because they'll FUCKING tell you."  I just wish we could all find our best way to be and feel healthy (mentally and physically).  Whatever path that is (but dear God...please don't let it be the Dr. Atkins way....I do KNOW that this is not a healthy way....)  Anyway, I have so many cool thoughts of how I can make a living out of being healthy and teaching others.  I would feel so good about myself.  And you know what else I think would happen?  I really feel like those multiple moments of brain mushiness would go away during the work day.  I need them to go away....I feel so crazy.

So, as I mentioned earlier this week has been a really rough one for me.  What am I going to do about it?  Put one foot in front of the other today, and enjoy what God has given me.  And I'll try to repay him by actually living in the "now," today.  There are so many things in my life that are out of control.  But as Melinda once told me, there are only a couple of things that we can really control.  And one of them is diet. She's so fucking smart.  I know it's so hard for us to put ourselves first (which we need to really work on).  But let's put ourselves first, by thinking about what we are putting into our bodies today.  Let's take care of ourselves.  Let's start this journey together.  Do you feel alone in this?  Please don't....there's no worse feeling.  Take advantage of us that are going through the same thing.  Get a hold of me.  I'll buddy you up with someone.  I'll buddy up with you.  That's the best thing that this site has done for me....when I'm actually doing well, I feel like I have a purpose.  I love hearing from you guys.  It helps me in so many ways.

Much Love,

Jen

5 Comments
Staci
9/1/2012 02:32:17 am

I am right there with you. I was unappreciated at work for so long. I became vey negative at work and home. Negativity is like cancer. I am now at a better job and can see the light clearer. I have to be purposeful in finding gratitude for what I have . I think to myself, I get to go to work, I get to exercise, I find and focus on what I love about my life husband and home. Don't focus on what's missing our what you don't like.

There was a Christian movie called the ring, I think. There was daily exercises the guy did to save his marriage. Some of them were pretty good ideas for anyone.

It's definitely frame of mind. Awareness is the key. You are on the right track.

Love you Jen, keep posting.

Reply
Jen
9/1/2012 08:22:13 am

Staci, I love seeing all of your weight loss progress on FB. You, my friend, are kicking ass and taking names. I'm so proud of you! I can tell that it's affecting your outlook on life. It's beautiful. Thanks for sticking with me.
Much Love,
Jen

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Asha
9/2/2012 09:12:53 am

I like following your weight loss on fb too!! You are so inspiring!!

hugs,
Ash

Asha
9/1/2012 03:04:22 am

Hey Girl, I just got ETL to read and hopefully put into effect soon. You will crack up at how I got it.......I got a package in the mail from Amazon, but here's the kicker.....I don't know who sent it. I didn't order it either, so that's what blows me away. This happened at the end of July and since then I have met a ton of people who have started following this eating lifestyle. Needless to say, I'm getting on board, but might have to do the version that allows for fish once a week:-) I also need a juicer, but I want that Nutribullet thingy. It looks awesome!

As for living in the now, my friend, that is a tough one. You are right, when you are not doing something you love for a living, or can't vaca all the time, or feel a little "less than" what you are capable it can take its toll for sure. I have to really think about living in today. I tend to wish for things to "be like they used to be" or worry about what's on the horizon. When I can keep my head in the now life is more simple. I can't predict the future, so why dwell right? I also can't go back and change the past. I have tried to make right the wrongs I have done, some people have graciously accepted my amends, some won't give me the time of day and I have had to let that go. Believe me, I have lost more important people (and not in death) in the last 2 years than I could have ever imagined. One was someone that I believed was one of my closest friends, one is my son, a half brother and sister, and my biological father. I can't make them change how they feel about me, so I have to hope for the best for them. All I really care about right now is my kiddo pulling his head out of his ass at some point and realizing that his mama kicked him out for a good reason.....to take care of herself and no longer allow her boy to sponge off her and take her for granted. He now has a great job and is finding his way. My hope is that he will eventually want me in his life again. I miss him. It is what it is. if certain things in the past hadn't gone the way they had I wouldn't be where I am now. I'm where I am now for a reason, so I have to go with it.

Sometimes I wonder why I work where I do and what is to come from what I'm learning because I don't think it's where I want to be in 10 years, but that may change, who knows. I do know that it becomes more fulfilling when I put my all into it, find new ways of doing things that are more efficient and allow my director to take the credit for my ideas-hahahaha, and enjoy the people I work with to the max (yikes! The max?). So even if I've had a day where I just felt like I was going through the motions, I know for sure that i've probably enjoyed a funny conversation with at least one person at work, hopefully made them smile, and that makes me feel good.

Jen, if you start to feel negative, there is always the old standbye that my sponsor consistently makes me do.....the dreaded gratitude list (I'm sure Mel knows about that too). It changes your perspective quickly to realize that no matter how bad things might seem you have much more to be grateful for!

I love you friend and am always here for ya. I'll message you with info on the retreat in October too:-)

Ash

Reply
Jen
9/1/2012 08:28:44 am

Ash, as always, so wonderful to hear from you. I love how you always seem to keep your positive outlook. You've told me about what happened with your closest friend, and I actually was just telling a short version of it to my friend last weekend. It's too bad. I know you tried.... True friendships are so valuable, and it's really too bad, when one can't see what they have or take it forgranted. I know how hard this has been for you. I hope you know how many of us love you, though. You will always be appreciated by us.
Thanks so much for thinking about me with this retreat. It's def food for thought!
As far as ETL, you know I completely believe in this... I am so excited to start it all over again on Tues. I pray that God will keep me on the right path with it this time. I know it's the best way of life for me. So many things are out of my control right now, so I feel like I need to take control of something...the most impotant thing we all have: our health. Let me know what you think of it as you're reading it, or if you have any questions. I'll be reading it again soon, too.
Love ya,
Jen

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    Jen

    Age 47
    Married 24 years
    2 boys, 18 & 15
    email: [email protected]


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