For somebody whose brain doesn't function properly, I sure overthink everything. So, I've been left wondering if this week was so bad, b/c I just came off a great mini-vaca? A weekend full of no responsibilities, none of my own stupid dissappointments? I wasn't at a job that I don't find fulfilling..... I wasn't thinking of all of those things. As I'm typing this out, I'm realizing that I lived in the "now" last weekend. Why in the hell can't I do that everyday? I have so many amazing, amazing things in my life. I spend so much of my time feeling the negative (which is funny...because I guess I never considered myself a negative person), that I don't allow myself to feel all of the positive. I can't do anything about all of the responsibilities in my life. They're, there..... We all have them. For fucks sake, they do tell us we are grown ups, right? I really don't know why I feel dissappointed at every turn....it all starts with me. A lot of the time, I feel like what I'm doing isn't good enough. And you know what, apparently that spills into my relationships, too (my hubby told him that I make him feel like that....in a very big discussion we had this week). That's so wrong....I don't want to make anyone feel that way: like whatever they do is never good enough. I certainly don't want to make the most important person in my life feel like that. So, there will be a lot of internal work coming up. Learning how to appreciate the positive, instead of finding the negative. And as far as my job.....it's certainly not my dream job. But you know what? It pays the bills. I need to work harder at it. I take it forgranted. I do really like many of my co-workers. I've even found a father figure there. Other than ppl that I've referred to as "dad," I've never had that. I've found him, and I've only been there less than 5 mos. I really love this guy. He calls me, "JJ." I've never had anyone call me that before. I love it. Probably b/c it's coming from him. All this being said, I will appreciate the job I have. But I really have to start concentrating on the jobs in life that would leave me feeling fulfilled. I need to be successful in my weight loss. I know how to do it. I've even started to figure out why I sabotage myself (which sucks, but it's a start). But I believe whole heartedly in a Vegan way of life. And I know it's not for everyone. I truly do. For me, it's not like the joke: How can you tell if someone is a vegan? Because they'll FUCKING tell you." I just wish we could all find our best way to be and feel healthy (mentally and physically). Whatever path that is (but dear God...please don't let it be the Dr. Atkins way....I do KNOW that this is not a healthy way....) Anyway, I have so many cool thoughts of how I can make a living out of being healthy and teaching others. I would feel so good about myself. And you know what else I think would happen? I really feel like those multiple moments of brain mushiness would go away during the work day. I need them to go away....I feel so crazy.
So, as I mentioned earlier this week has been a really rough one for me. What am I going to do about it? Put one foot in front of the other today, and enjoy what God has given me. And I'll try to repay him by actually living in the "now," today. There are so many things in my life that are out of control. But as Melinda once told me, there are only a couple of things that we can really control. And one of them is diet. She's so fucking smart. I know it's so hard for us to put ourselves first (which we need to really work on). But let's put ourselves first, by thinking about what we are putting into our bodies today. Let's take care of ourselves. Let's start this journey together. Do you feel alone in this? Please don't....there's no worse feeling. Take advantage of us that are going through the same thing. Get a hold of me. I'll buddy you up with someone. I'll buddy up with you. That's the best thing that this site has done for me....when I'm actually doing well, I feel like I have a purpose. I love hearing from you guys. It helps me in so many ways.