crisis is a term coined in 1965 by Elliott Jaques stating a time where adults come to realize their own mortality and how much time is left in their life.
A midlife crisis is experienced by many people during the midlife transition
when they realize that life may be more than halfway over. Sometimes, a crisis
can be triggered by transitions experienced in these years, such aandropause or menopause, the death of parents or other causes of grief, unemployment or underemployment, realizing that a job or career is hated but not knowing how else to earn an equivalent living, or children leaving home. People may reassess their achievements in terms of their dreams. The result may be a desire to make significant changes in core aspects of day-to-day life or situation, such as in career, work-life balance, marriage, romantic relationships, large expenditures, or physical appearance.
I’ve been feeling really off for a time now. This week I started to really wonder if I’m going through some sort of a midlife crisis. When I think midlife crisis, I think of that guy who goes and gets a toupee, or picks up a corvette, maybe trades his wife in on a younger, hotter model. Or I think of women who become so bored with their lives, that they actually walk away from their family, maybe they cheat, some go back to school to be what they’ve always wanted to be, and then of course there’s plastic surgery. We’ve all seen people go through some form of midlife crisis, but I really wasn’t sure what the definition was. I looked this up off of Wikipedia and also found one off of Webster’s. This, I think is more fitting to what most of us go through as a midlife crisis. I wonder: does everyone go through one? In now being 40, and seeing the fb posts of so many my age, it appears that a good deal of people hit their own version of a midlife crisis.
Although, the above definition hits in some areas, it certainly doesn’t adequately describe what I’ve been feeling as of late. But….it’s close enough to think that I think I may in fact, be going through some midife crisis. It’s
fucking crazy. Really? I never believed in this bullshit before? Now, I’m going through a weird phase, and I’m just like the masses. Ready to blame my feelings on some bullshit excuse: like a midlife crisis. Leading up to turning 40, I was an admitted mess. I couldn’t understand how a number could control my feelings like it did. I was horrified by the fact that I was turning 40.
How can this be? In so many ways, I feel like a kid still getting away with something when I buy beer, or watch some movie that “R.” But in many other ways, I feel….old….tired. I guess tired is a better way to describe it. And another thing has happened; I’ve developed raw emotions that I went through my whole life without ever having. I rarely cried…. Fuck, I hardly even cried at funerals. Now, it seems like I cry at damn near anything. It could be some stupid commercial, it can be an off comment that means really nothing from Brian, it can be me watching my phone ring when a friend calls, but I don’t answer it….I just watch it ring. How fucking stupid is that? I feel like if I answer it, they’ll know. They’ll find me out for not being the funny one, or the one that’s beyond easy going about damn near everything.
I do know that my hormones are a huge fuck up right now. I mean, if my emotions aren’t enough of a tell, then all I need to do is look closely at my chin (and sometimes my neck) on any given day. Sure enough, there’s nearly always some gross black or gray thick hair growing in there. Pretty.
I am a firm believer in we get out of life, what we put into it, and what we make of it. I’m trying. I’m not always a mess. Sometimes, I’m actually really happy. And always, always, no matter my mood, so appreciative for a husband that loves me, my kids, friends that have proven over and over again that I am like family to them, and that we have a roof over our heads. And of course, I’m
continually thanking God that I’m an American. So, in all of my ramblings of
today. I just feel it important for you to know that I’m not whining, I’m not going whoa as me….I just know that I’m off. I don’t want to be off. I feel like everything in my life is so out of control right now. So, my focus beginning today is my health. MY health, MY wellbeing. I’m going to work on waking up in the morning, thinking about myself and how I’m going to make myself happy today. I almost nearly always wake up worrying that something’s going to happen to Brian on his drive to work, that the kids will be sick, that I’m going to disappoint at work, I worry about my friends marriages and their happiness, before me own. I worry that they won’t find the happiness so many of them are searching for. I can’t control these things. Obsessing on these things isn’t going to make me happier. It hasn’t. It won’t. Fuck it. I’m 40. I’m trying a newway. I’m putting me first. And when that means, (like yesterday,
that my husband feels pissed that I spent the day with a friend), I’m going to
do it. I know what I need. If it’s a break, then I’ll take
it. How do you like them apples ;) So, here I am putting me first. And in putting me first, the most important thing I can do for me is eat properly.
I’m going to tackling this fucking demon. I’m going to tell that thing in my head that tells me, if I’m fat, nobody will love you, and you don’t deserve love from anyone. FUCK OFF, brain of mine. So, today is Day 1 of ETL. Eat to Live is my answer. It’s the answer for so many. I’m not saying that if I get all skinny this midlife crisis is going to be over. Do I want to be skinny, fuck yeah! Is that the sole motivation? No, I’m taking control of my health, so that I can be happier. Putting all of these God awful chemicals into my body, is just as bad as taking drugs. It takes me….from me…. So, as I sort out my head, I’m putting my efforts into this way of life and into being fit. A true tragedy for me at this point, would be for me to drop of a heart attack (which I totally have this imminent feeling about), and not ever really knowing myself. Not to mention, leaving behind a family that loves me. So, selfish, here I come. I know many ppl, who do selfish so well. And you know what, it’s becoming on them.
Here’s to a healthy us….
6:30 Smoothie (water, spinach, flax seed, frozen strawberries and peaches)
7:00 Can of Diet Coke (I’ve been weaning myself for a couple days now)
9:45 Bowl of fruit salad: banana, raspberries, strawberries
12:30 Bowl of tomato bisque soup (see recipe), salad (spring mix w/ spinach and lite vin. dressing), Soda water
2:30 Some edamame, and some more fruit salad, can of Diet
4:30 Green Juice
5:50 Wheat tortilla shell and filled it w/ SW bean soup (see recipe) and salsa, steamed broccoli w/ spicy Mrs. Dash
7:00 3/4 cup of shelled peanuts
Love this Waylon song:
always been crazy and the trouble that it's put me through
I've been busted
for things that I did, and I didn't do
I can't say I’m proud of all of the
things that I’ve done
But I can say I’ve never intentionally hurt anyone
I've always been different with one foot over the line
somewhere one step ahead or behind
It ain't been so easy but I guess I
I've always been crazy but it's kept me from going
Beautiful lady are you sure that you understand
your taking loving a free living man
Are you really sure you really want what
Be careful of something that's just what you want it to be
I've always been crazy but it's kept me from going insane
Nobody knows if
it's something to bless or to blame
So far I ain't found a rhyme or a reason
I've always been crazy but it's kept me from going