The last few weeks have been pretty good, with some very low, lows sprinkled throughout. It's frustrating....to have these lows. I don't want them...nobody wants to have them...I fight like hell, but they come, sometimes when I least expect it. I'm trying to work through the shame of it all. I'm trying to feel less broken, but there's so much work to get to that place. Obviously, it's not something I enjoy talking about. I had a very raw conversation about it with someone very close to me yesterday. It's exhausting to even talk about. Thankfully, I know the people who love me most, love me always: even when I feel unloveable.
Over the course of 2 1/2 weeks, I'm down 7 pounds. Most of that came in a short amount of time. I've been working hard, but the weight loss has gotten so much more difficult lately. I'm proud of that weight loss, but I'm nervous about the coming weeks. Some days, I totally kick ass in my thought processes and food choices, while others, I'm overly critical or make choices that aren't as smart. I never go completely crazy. I'm not downing a hot fudge sundae or eating a double butter burger (although both sound amazing), but last night I had Thai food (I had the house all to myself and wanted to indulge...which I really didn't need to do-considering a had a couple of glasses of wine with a friend earlier that night). I didn't need those extra calories. Today, I met someone for lunch at this amazing diner. My plan most of the morning was to have a salad. Instead...I had breakfast. I didn't eat it all, but there was no nutritional value on my plate. I wouldn't worry about it, but tonight we had steak. We've done Blue Apron the past few weeks. I like it, but it is expensive, and can be time consuming. I'm not sure we'll continue. Brian actually cooked the Blue Apron tonight, which was a very nice surprise. It was so great to walk into the house and have dinner there waiting. Seriously, my favorite part of the day. Again, though, two not great choices in one day. I know better than this.
With the scale not responding much a few weeks ago, I had my measurements done. Normally, I don't really know what the numbers mean, but to learn I had lost nearly 34" since October was pretty amazing. I just kept picturing 3' on a tape measurer. When I look in the mirror, I still don't see it all, but I do see some of it. I went digging through boxes this week in search of pants that fit. I found 11 pairs of jeans, 2 dress pants, 3 capris, a pair of shorts, and a dress (Yes! a dress). I haven't had clothes that fit in quite some time, so I'm pretty pumped up to wear things that don't require a belt. I have another 11 pairs of pants that I'm quite a ways from fitting into, but I know when I do-I'll be around my goal weight. It's nice to have a visual!
This weekend we went to a BBQ, where burgers and brats were on the menu. I brought a lone chicken thigh. Would I prefer to have what they were cooking...hell yes. I just know, it's not worth it to me. I still enjoyed the chicken, but more importantly, I was there for the company. I love that we are always the only non-blood relatives at our friends family BBQ. It really does make my heart happy, that they think of us this way. The weekend also brought a 5 mile hike with a lot of incline. It felt so great! By far, it was the most my back has been able to handle in months. My back is far from perfect, but I can live with it the way it is now. I just keep waiting for it to tweak again, though. Everytime I think I'm on the mend, it seems to flare up. I will be getting injections in a couple of weeks, though. I don't want to take any chances before the Alaska trip. Without the injections, I'm not even convinced my back would handle the long plane rides.
I hope this day find you full of life and not just going through the motions. It's so easy to go through the motions...the fight is so hard sometimes, but life is meant to be lived. Go out there and live the shit out of it.
As we go into Friday, please add Eddie to your prayers tonight. He will be laid to rest tomorrow, and his loss is felt very heavily by some I love the most.
I'll leave you with is what is probably my fave current song. It's catchy and probably can make everyone think of someone. Enjoy.