I saw this, this morning on fb, and it struck a cord. It didn't make me think of one friend, it made me think of a few. Not that I don't have a best friend, but there are a few friends in my life that I would trust with anything, and I do mean anything. Lately they've been exceptionally great listeners. I've always prided myself on being a good listener and the strong one in my friendships. It seems as if this last year, it's all changed around. I find myself leaning on them. I even find myself asking for help sometimes....which is not at all easy for me. But the reoccuring theme of the past year is that I've definitely turned into one giant pussy. H.P. commented on this on fb this morning, saying "your friends are lucky to have you." What did I do? I cried. I was being needy with Tammi the other day on chat, and I apologized if I was bugging her too much, and she said, "don't be silly, chatting with you is the hilight of my work day." I bawled like a bitch. I got a nice card from A-Bra the other day, and I found myself sobbing. WTF.... Turning 40 has really finally turned me into a girl, I guess. I've never found like I've been much of a girl. I've got this deep voice, I'm a full on Tom Boy, and I love drinking and working with a bunch of guys. So, now that I'm a full fledged Lady (lol, just wanted you to laugh....), it's funny that just now I'm also starting to get these ugly black, coarse hairs sprouting from my chin, along with one that keep sprouting up in the middle of my throat. Go figure!
I've been thinking about labels a lot lately. I think I beat myself up, because I feel the need to throw everything in one category or the other. I've always been like that. Life isn't about categories. It should be giant and open (like they describe the Autism spectrum :) I define myself a lot by my weight. It's hard for me to see past it. I can't understand how my husband can love someone so unattractive and fat. I can't understand how my friends want to hang out with me and love me like they do, when I feel like I'm an embarrasment to them. I caategorize myself and my thoughts into unhealthy boxes. It's hard for me to see out of those boxes. I've been working on this. My friends have been helping me with this. Yes, the cunt is crying as she type this.... Fuck...what has happened to me. It's got to be menopause, right? I've sat through funerals of ppl that I love without shedding a tear. I probably went years only crying a handful of times. Now, I can't make it through a work day without the tears flowing. Anyway, I guess I'm doing it again, labeling myself as a big fucking cry baby. Which I am.... But anyway, I'm working on this. I'm working hard on myself. I'm so lucky in so many ways, and I do know this. I just wish I could focus on all the good and analyze it instead of everything that's toxic.
My friend was recently talking about how she loves to workout, not neccesarily b/c of what it does to her body physically, but that it's the only time, she can calm her mind down. She's an over analyzer, too. Maybe if I quit putting the physical pressure on myself, and think of the mental well being I can gain from it, I'll do a better job of sticking with it. Here's hoping!
Oh, and I'm adding lyrics to one of my all time fave songs. If you don't know it, you should. Just makes you smile.
Love,
Jen
(performed by clarence clemons & jackson browne on the clarence clemons
album
Hero)
Striking out?
Well count me in
I'm gonna stand
right by your side through thick or thin
Ain't no doubt
Gonna win
A
walk through hell ain't bad compared to where we've been
Oh you can
depend on me
Over and over... over and over
Know that I intend to
be
The one who who always makes you laugh until you cry
And you can call
on me until the day you die
Years may come and go
Here's one thing I
know
All my life
You're a friend of mine
That argument
I can't forget
We fought so hard I don't think
I've recovered yet
The girls we knew
Who thought you were cool
I never
introduced my favorite ones to you
Oh you can depend on me
Over and
over... over and over
Know that I intend to be
The one who who always
makes you laugh until you cry
And you can call on me until the day you
die
Years may come and go
Here's one thing I know
All my
life
You're a friend of mine
Oh you can depend on me
Over and
over... over and over
Know that I intend to be
The one who who always
makes you laugh until you cry
And you can call on me until the day you
die
Years may come and go
Here's one thing I know
All my
life
You're a friend of mine
Oh you can depend on me
I'll be
fine
Cause you're a friend of mine
Yeeaah
I'll be fine
Cause you're
a friend of mine
I've been thinking about labels a lot lately. I think I beat myself up, because I feel the need to throw everything in one category or the other. I've always been like that. Life isn't about categories. It should be giant and open (like they describe the Autism spectrum :) I define myself a lot by my weight. It's hard for me to see past it. I can't understand how my husband can love someone so unattractive and fat. I can't understand how my friends want to hang out with me and love me like they do, when I feel like I'm an embarrasment to them. I caategorize myself and my thoughts into unhealthy boxes. It's hard for me to see out of those boxes. I've been working on this. My friends have been helping me with this. Yes, the cunt is crying as she type this.... Fuck...what has happened to me. It's got to be menopause, right? I've sat through funerals of ppl that I love without shedding a tear. I probably went years only crying a handful of times. Now, I can't make it through a work day without the tears flowing. Anyway, I guess I'm doing it again, labeling myself as a big fucking cry baby. Which I am.... But anyway, I'm working on this. I'm working hard on myself. I'm so lucky in so many ways, and I do know this. I just wish I could focus on all the good and analyze it instead of everything that's toxic.
My friend was recently talking about how she loves to workout, not neccesarily b/c of what it does to her body physically, but that it's the only time, she can calm her mind down. She's an over analyzer, too. Maybe if I quit putting the physical pressure on myself, and think of the mental well being I can gain from it, I'll do a better job of sticking with it. Here's hoping!
Oh, and I'm adding lyrics to one of my all time fave songs. If you don't know it, you should. Just makes you smile.
Love,
Jen
(performed by clarence clemons & jackson browne on the clarence clemons
album
Hero)
Striking out?
Well count me in
I'm gonna stand
right by your side through thick or thin
Ain't no doubt
Gonna win
A
walk through hell ain't bad compared to where we've been
Oh you can
depend on me
Over and over... over and over
Know that I intend to
be
The one who who always makes you laugh until you cry
And you can call
on me until the day you die
Years may come and go
Here's one thing I
know
All my life
You're a friend of mine
That argument
I can't forget
We fought so hard I don't think
I've recovered yet
The girls we knew
Who thought you were cool
I never
introduced my favorite ones to you
Oh you can depend on me
Over and
over... over and over
Know that I intend to be
The one who who always
makes you laugh until you cry
And you can call on me until the day you
die
Years may come and go
Here's one thing I know
All my
life
You're a friend of mine
Oh you can depend on me
Over and
over... over and over
Know that I intend to be
The one who who always
makes you laugh until you cry
And you can call on me until the day you
die
Years may come and go
Here's one thing I know
All my
life
You're a friend of mine
Oh you can depend on me
I'll be
fine
Cause you're a friend of mine
Yeeaah
I'll be fine
Cause you're
a friend of mine
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