The pity party from my previous post was fairly short lived. Usually I'd beat myself up for allowing myself to feel like that, but this time....I'm owning it. There were a lot of things at once. I'm glad that feeling is gone, but I believe it was actually warranted, for the time.
The move out here has been something else. Above everything, I feel very thankful that we got out here safely. Driving cross country always makes me nervous. We had a nice couple of days with my sisters, and were even able to stop at Kara's house in MT for lunch on our way out. Kara's Mom was also in town, and it's always great to see her. She was always in my life, growing up. We got out here on a Thursday night and stayed with our friends in town here. Friday morning we got to walk through the house and get the keys. Holy fucking shit... The house is so disappointing.... There's a lot of work that needs to be done, things that don't work, the highly touted jetted tub has duck tape in it (supposedly he's going to get this fixed...but has of yet to take care of it), the "new windows" have the old handles which aren't designed to handle the heavy windows, so most of them don't work. The house wasn't clean, in fact, some of it was just gross, even though he claimed to have a "cleaning lady." There were many things, but the biggest is the fact that he had taken out the fridge and stove. We were stunned to be renting a house w/out appliances. The appliances were in the info sheets/pics he sent me. He explained it was never his intention to keep them in the house, even though he didn't tell us that.... He did however offer to "sell" us the fridge for 750.... After an expensive, exhausting move, the last thing we wanted to do was go through buying appliances... We have purchased a stove, but we still need a fridge. Our friends have leant us their mini-fridge in the meantime. There were also issues with the moving truck. The divider was defective, which we notified the moving co. about, and they said they fixed. Only to have it fall flat before the truck even arrived to the origin station. Our stuff shifted, which resulted in taking more space, by the time they through another divider up, cost us more space/money. It's not an exaggeration in stating that half of our stuff was broken. Everything that was wood: book shelves, a couple dressers, stands, headboard, etc. all were broken. Part of it is on the moving truck, and I'm sure part of it is on the way it was loaded by Brian. He did it all himself, and the placements could've been better. So, we haven't had the greatest start out here.... But it will get better.
The moving didn't go well, but I'm really glad to say that Ryne settled right in. The night we arrived, he stayed the night with a friend. He has since stayed with friends and had friends stay the night. He went all of last year w/out staying over with anyone or having anyone even come to the house. He really does have a great group of friends out here. They are all good kids, too. We are really happy that he is so happy. Cal is also excited to be back. We saw his coordinator and also his swim coach on back-t0-school night, and Cal was over the moon. I took him to lunch at the local Mexican restaurant the other day, and he was eating his favorite dish, when he asked why we ever left. Haha. Love it. Brian also seems to be settling in to his new job really nicely. He's really glad to be back w/ the guys. As for me, I'm glad we are back, because of how happy it's making my family. But personally, I would definitely rather live in the NW. It's not that I hate it here, but it's just too far to be from friends and family for me. My friend Laura has already come to visit me twice, though. It's been nice to see her. She was on top of it, when she knew we arrived. I haven't gotten a hold of anyone to plan anything or tell them we are back. Truthfully, I'm just not in that social place right now. Plus, I'm so very embarrassed by my weight. Truly humiliated....
It's not only that only I haven't gotten a hold of anyone in IL, with the exception of one person, I can't even remember the last time I reached out to someone first. I've been okay about responding to people, but honestly.....it's been so long since I just text someone to say hi or checked on anyone, I really can't recall the last time, or the last time I wanted to.... My therapist told me it was because of depression, which makes sense, but I'm not really feeling down right now. I'm not up, but I'm not like I can be.... It's funny though, I had a lot of people check on me with the move and who have kept in touch, but the one person I've reached out to, is the one person who hasn't checked or who doesn't respond... I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. Makes sense, I guess. That's sounds like something I would do.... But I do miss my friends. I miss the ease of conversation. I miss them making me laugh. Hopefully I'll be in a place soon, where I am able to reach out and be a better friend to those who have stood by me, not matter what. I want to be in a place where I can appreciate those who choose to see the best in me.... Right now, I just feel distant from just about everything outside of those in my home.
I weighed myself last week, and it was awful, awful, awful. I'm at my all-time heaviest weight.... I weighed myself today, and I was down 3 pounds, without doing too much... I'm about ready to tackle this. I really am. I want to feel great, and I think weight loss is the gateway to my happiness. It will allow me to start to feel good...I believe anyway.
Last night I saw the horrible news about Robin Williams. I teared up at the story, when they said it was suicide. I feel for anyone who feels so hopeless. I feel so bad to know that people simply get too tired from the overwhelming feelings of darkness. More than the actual death, it hurts me to know that he lived with that kind of pain. I pray that he's found peace... I wish it were here on earth, as I wish it for everyone. I'm stating the obvious, but from someone who knows the pain and emptiness that depression brings, depression is the devil.
Hmmm. I guess that's not a great note to end on. Sorry for being Debbie Downer today. Today is going to be a good day. I know it. It's the last day w/ the boys before they go back to school tomorrow. I'll get more unpacking/settling done, and I'll accept the love that my family has to offer. Wishing you all a wonderful day, too.
Much Love,
Jen
The move out here has been something else. Above everything, I feel very thankful that we got out here safely. Driving cross country always makes me nervous. We had a nice couple of days with my sisters, and were even able to stop at Kara's house in MT for lunch on our way out. Kara's Mom was also in town, and it's always great to see her. She was always in my life, growing up. We got out here on a Thursday night and stayed with our friends in town here. Friday morning we got to walk through the house and get the keys. Holy fucking shit... The house is so disappointing.... There's a lot of work that needs to be done, things that don't work, the highly touted jetted tub has duck tape in it (supposedly he's going to get this fixed...but has of yet to take care of it), the "new windows" have the old handles which aren't designed to handle the heavy windows, so most of them don't work. The house wasn't clean, in fact, some of it was just gross, even though he claimed to have a "cleaning lady." There were many things, but the biggest is the fact that he had taken out the fridge and stove. We were stunned to be renting a house w/out appliances. The appliances were in the info sheets/pics he sent me. He explained it was never his intention to keep them in the house, even though he didn't tell us that.... He did however offer to "sell" us the fridge for 750.... After an expensive, exhausting move, the last thing we wanted to do was go through buying appliances... We have purchased a stove, but we still need a fridge. Our friends have leant us their mini-fridge in the meantime. There were also issues with the moving truck. The divider was defective, which we notified the moving co. about, and they said they fixed. Only to have it fall flat before the truck even arrived to the origin station. Our stuff shifted, which resulted in taking more space, by the time they through another divider up, cost us more space/money. It's not an exaggeration in stating that half of our stuff was broken. Everything that was wood: book shelves, a couple dressers, stands, headboard, etc. all were broken. Part of it is on the moving truck, and I'm sure part of it is on the way it was loaded by Brian. He did it all himself, and the placements could've been better. So, we haven't had the greatest start out here.... But it will get better.
The moving didn't go well, but I'm really glad to say that Ryne settled right in. The night we arrived, he stayed the night with a friend. He has since stayed with friends and had friends stay the night. He went all of last year w/out staying over with anyone or having anyone even come to the house. He really does have a great group of friends out here. They are all good kids, too. We are really happy that he is so happy. Cal is also excited to be back. We saw his coordinator and also his swim coach on back-t0-school night, and Cal was over the moon. I took him to lunch at the local Mexican restaurant the other day, and he was eating his favorite dish, when he asked why we ever left. Haha. Love it. Brian also seems to be settling in to his new job really nicely. He's really glad to be back w/ the guys. As for me, I'm glad we are back, because of how happy it's making my family. But personally, I would definitely rather live in the NW. It's not that I hate it here, but it's just too far to be from friends and family for me. My friend Laura has already come to visit me twice, though. It's been nice to see her. She was on top of it, when she knew we arrived. I haven't gotten a hold of anyone to plan anything or tell them we are back. Truthfully, I'm just not in that social place right now. Plus, I'm so very embarrassed by my weight. Truly humiliated....
It's not only that only I haven't gotten a hold of anyone in IL, with the exception of one person, I can't even remember the last time I reached out to someone first. I've been okay about responding to people, but honestly.....it's been so long since I just text someone to say hi or checked on anyone, I really can't recall the last time, or the last time I wanted to.... My therapist told me it was because of depression, which makes sense, but I'm not really feeling down right now. I'm not up, but I'm not like I can be.... It's funny though, I had a lot of people check on me with the move and who have kept in touch, but the one person I've reached out to, is the one person who hasn't checked or who doesn't respond... I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. Makes sense, I guess. That's sounds like something I would do.... But I do miss my friends. I miss the ease of conversation. I miss them making me laugh. Hopefully I'll be in a place soon, where I am able to reach out and be a better friend to those who have stood by me, not matter what. I want to be in a place where I can appreciate those who choose to see the best in me.... Right now, I just feel distant from just about everything outside of those in my home.
I weighed myself last week, and it was awful, awful, awful. I'm at my all-time heaviest weight.... I weighed myself today, and I was down 3 pounds, without doing too much... I'm about ready to tackle this. I really am. I want to feel great, and I think weight loss is the gateway to my happiness. It will allow me to start to feel good...I believe anyway.
Last night I saw the horrible news about Robin Williams. I teared up at the story, when they said it was suicide. I feel for anyone who feels so hopeless. I feel so bad to know that people simply get too tired from the overwhelming feelings of darkness. More than the actual death, it hurts me to know that he lived with that kind of pain. I pray that he's found peace... I wish it were here on earth, as I wish it for everyone. I'm stating the obvious, but from someone who knows the pain and emptiness that depression brings, depression is the devil.
Hmmm. I guess that's not a great note to end on. Sorry for being Debbie Downer today. Today is going to be a good day. I know it. It's the last day w/ the boys before they go back to school tomorrow. I'll get more unpacking/settling done, and I'll accept the love that my family has to offer. Wishing you all a wonderful day, too.
Much Love,
Jen
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