I’ve been all over the place the past couple of weeks. Two weeks ago, I burned the shit out of my hand, while making soup. I had a complete breakdown that lasted half the day. I wasted all of that time on a pity party. I never know when my hand(s) is going to give out, and I don’t remember ever injuring myself with it, so I wasn’t even thinking. I do better when I put all of my efforts into concentrating on holding things and watching my hands. For instance, I just walked from the cafeteria to my desk with hot soup. To me, it’s like completing American Ninja Warrior when I make it through with no issues. Anyway, the burn was the day before I was to start physical therapy. With nerve issues, it’s easy for me to think – it’s all in your head, there’s nothing really wrong, because there’s not always a clear answer as to why things are happening. Even though, I had a diagnosis, I still second guessed it. Burning my hand, was a good wake up call to take p/t seriously, and get this thing fixed. I also ended up burning my hand the next day too, when taking something out of the oven. That was also a doozy, and I worry it’s going to scar. After those issues, I treat the kitchen differently. Physical therapy is going well, and I am grateful to have such good care. I think it’s going to be a long stretch but am confident it will get me better.
I have been putting a lot of thought into why I’ve been eating the way I am. Why I ruined all of my previous hard work. I feel fortunate in that I think I’ve made some really great strides, mentally in last couple months. There have been some recent signs that my hormones are calming down, and it brings me hope that I’m on the downhill slide of menopause. This may play a big part in it all, as well. Still, I wasn’t able to change my eating habits. So, there’s no easy segue way here, and it’s not anything I want to write about – but my cousin Troy recently died in an accident. I was completely flattened. There was a lot of thought about the fragility of life. The amount of people that love us in this world. From this, I reached out to my friend who had recently mentioned going to Weight Watchers or in this new, Oprah, hip world: WW. She said she was serious about going, so I suggested we go to our first meeting the next day. We weighed in, in the morning, went for a 5 mile walk on a cool trail, I’d never been on and then had drinks and a huge lunch. (We had decided we were actually starting the WW program the next day). We were commemorating the one-year anniversary of my surgery, and I’m lucky to have a friend who knew how important this day was and wanted to acknowledge it with me. Anyway, it was a big step – getting on the scale that day.
I have (and did going into) mixed feelings about WW. I really believe that programs (with the exception of one lifestyle I won’t mention) that make you aware of everything you eat, are a recipe for success. In my previous journey, I realized that awareness was my biggest key to doing well. There are really great parts to the program, but I think it’s an easy plan to eat unhealthy on, while still being within your points (relying too heavily on their packaged products, “sugar free” foods, etc). I’m going into this to not only lose weight, but most importantly, to get healthier. I mention the pitfalls, because if they are there – I don’t trust myself to not take the easier path. For instance, I got off the Pepsi last week, but Diet Coke was a crutch. I ate more chicken breast than I normally would (because it’s 0 points), and I would prefer to eat less meat. I leaned on the WW brand of chips a couple of times while craving salt and crunch. I have work to do, to be better in my road to better health – I mean….drinking ass loads of wine (the bff was in town) on back to back nights, is not living my healthiest life – BUT for the most part, I slayed it. I thought about every single thing I put in my mouth. It was not easy, especially in the first few days, because I was at war with my brain. Brain: WW isn’t for you, you can still have this thing (because it’s vegan), how dare it have so many points, don’t follow this – you know how to do this – just….do it. The thing is, I haven’t been able to Nike it on my own. I’ve been failing miserably at holding myself accountable, and I need my brain to stop with the excuses. I chose to follow WW (which I had actually done for a short time like 20+ years ago with my in-laws), so I can learn some new, healthy ways to eat. I needed variety and ideas. Mostly, I needed the accountability of weighing in, in front of someone. WW was the least expensive program to do this in. I committed to 8 months, and it ended up being $33/mo, for the weekly meetings and app.
I am really pleased as to what did come out of this past week. I did learn new recipes and have taken away a lot from the 2 meetings I’ve been to (kinda reminds me of what AA meetings must be like – with food addiction). I have a friend to follow the plan with, and having that support is nice. Also, Brian volunteered to do it with me. He is not doing meetings/app but knows his points and looks things up. That is huge for me. I’ve always felt so alone in changing my habits, at home. Day one, my heartburn/acid reflux was gone. It had been plaguing me for months, and I was partially blaming work stress on it (as that’s when it was the worst), but of course, the reality was – I was turning to Pepsi, my beloved Cheez Its and anything else to help me through the day. In just a few days, I could feel the water retention go down. Really, I was surprised how quickly, eating well, helped me feel better. I didn’t weigh myself during the week, as I was scared to death of the scale. I’m 47, lost and gained weight, blah, blah, blah…..I just wanted to see my efforts pay off on the scale. As it turns out….it did with a 7 pound weight loss. I was floored and stunned. I almost couldn’t enjoy it, as I immediately started worrying about the next weigh in, because it can’t possibly be that good. I got the benefit of losing the water weight in week one. I over-thought it all for half the day, before being comfortable with it all. I have to work on my relationship with the scale but am aware that how good I feel, matters much more than anything that scale might ever say (good or bad). Big sigh, just feels good, to feel good.
The bff was here for a couple of days. She was travelling for work, and really went out of her way to make it my way, so we could spend some time together. It was so nice to see her and feel so blessed for our friendship. To me, there aren’t many things better in this world, then spending time with ppl you feel 100% comfortable with, with anything.
I feel really positive about so many things. Thanks for being here with me on this journey.