Overall, I’ve felt a lot better mentally lately. It’s like things are just more even, overall. I can’t really say it’s any one thing, but maybe a lucky combination – or all of the work I’ve done – coming together. I’ve worked on making sure I spend time with friends. I’m blessed to know such good people, and I never regret the time I spend with them. I have been taking CBD oil, twice a day, over the past couple of months. It took a while to find the sweet spot, (okay….just heard Cal say, “You need to lose some weight,” heart leapt from chest, “Jesse.” Phew, thought he was going to say me and not the dog) – but once I was on the right amount of drops for me, I think it has made a difference in my anxiety. PSA- when you’re told how much – it is usually in drops, not dropperfuls, as I once thought….. I wrote one of those letters you never send, still go to therapy every other week or so. I work hard on putting the most positive spin I can, on even the most difficult of situations. I am not “up” all the time, of course. I don’t think any of us really are, but for now, I will take being “even.” It will get even better from here, I know.
I had a nerve test appointment with my surgeon this morning. We’ve done a couple different tests lately, as my fine motor skills have been diminishing over past few months. I’m back to dropping things, hands trembling out of nowhere, and increased neck pain. I know follow up surgeries on my neck are inevitable. Essentially they recently said, your neck is a real shit show, and it’s unfortunate for such a young woman. (I don’t mind being called young). So, I was worried another was in my near future. As it turns out, they believe what’s happening now is called, Thoracic Outlet Syndrome. It sounds much worse than it is, I think. I apparently have a pinched nerve/s on the “outside,” and my nerves are just fired up. It was the best case scenario, and I’ll take it because it doesn’t involve surgery now. I’ll start physical therapy next week, and again, I declined injections – but think I may have to breakdown. I’m regretting not getting the injections a bit now, but hopefully things will be better tomorrow. I have to stop typing this often, as my hand is shaking like a leaf. I got the shit shocked out of me today and had needles stuck into my muscles all over my arm and hand. How this makes my neck hurt so much today – idk.
My one year anniversary for my neck surgery is in nine days, and that date has been etched in my mind. I’m determined to make the most of that day. There are so many emotional and physical scars that reside from the illness/surgery. They are fading, but I have not been able to erase them – despite my best efforts.
I know that my weight really has nothing to do with what is wrong with my neck. I am sure that it is the biggest contributor to my back and knees hurting. I’ve been feeling it lately. My knee surgery was 9 years ago, and I was supposed to need another surgery within 5 years. There are legit issues there, but my knees were so much better before I put this weight on. The same thing with my back. I’ve been told I need back surgery, but I don’t think I’ll ever do that – just heard too many horror stories. Again, the back has been bad lately – but believe it is mostly due to all of this weight. Essentially, outside of my neck – it is likely, Diagnosis: Fat. This weight is causing so much pain, yet, I haven’t done much to correct it. I have to get my diet in check. I’ve felt so much better, mentally, lately – so I’m frustrated that I have not been successful in changing the way I’m eating. So, today, I’m taking in all the pain. I’m feeling it everywhere. I can correct this with weight loss. I have to remember this tomorrow morning when I get up. It’s not enough that fat looks awful on me – look like a whole other person – it is physically painful every single day. Fuck…I need to make those changes.
I made the decision to work from home today, knowing I would be in pain today from the tests. I put myself first, when everything at work is nuts right now. I hope this trend continues in how I treat myself. Eating well, working out, is self-love. I pray that I start now…and am thankful, I’m not starting from scratch really. I have put on a giant number that I know most would not be able to understand….makes me teary thinking about it, but I am a long way from my heaviest. This is my first win, as I get back on the trek for better health. I have a healthy understanding of what led me here, and I pray that is my biggest weapon as I get healthier.
Here’s to us….let’s show us the self-love we so very much deserve. Here’s to better mental and physical health for all of us. We may have different journeys, but we are all striving for the same things in life. Be healthy. Be happy.