I was so relieved to wake up this morning without my chest being tight and feeling out of control. I'm not in a good mood, but that happens.... As long as it's not like yesterday. I haven't had a day like that in a while now. Thank God. I honestly thought those days were over. I mean, really?! I'm medicated, I workout, I eat right....you would think that would be enough to stop the anxiety.... When I thought about that, it really pissed me off yesterday. I don't know why anxiety has decided to take over a good part of my life this past year, but I fucking hate it. I can't see out of it, when it attacks me like that. I desperately, desperately hate it.... So, this morning, I've thought a lot about deleting yesterdays post. Then I see how many people already saw it, and think wtf. I guess it's out there. It's me. Sometimes I'm a total, out of control pussy. Sometimes I'm not. Today, I'm not. Today, I will just work hard to keep my shit together (along with my head). Which I must admit, must not be totally on straight. I forgot to put the banana in my smoothie. What a dumb ass. Anyway, I'll workout and do weights today, do some more cleaning (already been hitting it), and get to the store. Today, I will not allow anxiety or depression to pounce on me. I'm looking over my shoulder.
I sounded so positive this morning, didn't I? :) Shortly after writing that, I slept for 3 hours. The drool on the pillow kind of sleep. Once I woke up, I was a bit out of it for a few hours. I ate leftover fucking pizza. Then, I told myself, get your shit together, and I did what I know usually helps me when I'm in a bad place: I cleaned. I cleaned out our refrigerator (it was gross, another sign that I haven't been quite right the past month). I started cleaning it, and I knew it was helping and then bam...the tears. I'd clean a while. Sit and cry, and on and on. But hey, I made it through it. From there, I cleaned out bathtub. The tears stopped about then. Thank God. Then, it was off to get the boys. Brian got home early, and all I wanted to do, was go to sleep. But you know what, I drove my fat ass to the gym. I worked out hard. I did spin, knowing that it's dark in there, in case I decided to start bawling nobody would see. lol But thankfully, the worst of today was well behind me. The workout was great. It was my best spin class, yet. From there, I did full weights, and then went and picked up some things at Walmart. So, I'm quite proud of myself for distracting me from the craziness that sometime attacks me. It doesn't always work. Sometimes it's just too bad, but today was manageable. I go into tonight, feeling pretty good about how the day turned out, all things considered. I also go into tonight, praying this mofo'ing period hits. It's killing me!
I hope this post finds you all well. I know I'm terrible at keeping in touch sometimes, but just know, I think about you guys often.
All my love,
Jen
Food:
8:15 Smoothie (water, spinach, flax seed, blueberries, strawberries)
12:00 Nearly 3 pcs of pizza (cheese, green olives tomatoes) So not worth it...
4:00 Banana
7:00 Mixed steamed veggies and a salad (spinach, spring mix, and light honey mustard dressing)
8:30 Some pistachios
Exercise:
Spin Class
Full Weights
I sounded so positive this morning, didn't I? :) Shortly after writing that, I slept for 3 hours. The drool on the pillow kind of sleep. Once I woke up, I was a bit out of it for a few hours. I ate leftover fucking pizza. Then, I told myself, get your shit together, and I did what I know usually helps me when I'm in a bad place: I cleaned. I cleaned out our refrigerator (it was gross, another sign that I haven't been quite right the past month). I started cleaning it, and I knew it was helping and then bam...the tears. I'd clean a while. Sit and cry, and on and on. But hey, I made it through it. From there, I cleaned out bathtub. The tears stopped about then. Thank God. Then, it was off to get the boys. Brian got home early, and all I wanted to do, was go to sleep. But you know what, I drove my fat ass to the gym. I worked out hard. I did spin, knowing that it's dark in there, in case I decided to start bawling nobody would see. lol But thankfully, the worst of today was well behind me. The workout was great. It was my best spin class, yet. From there, I did full weights, and then went and picked up some things at Walmart. So, I'm quite proud of myself for distracting me from the craziness that sometime attacks me. It doesn't always work. Sometimes it's just too bad, but today was manageable. I go into tonight, feeling pretty good about how the day turned out, all things considered. I also go into tonight, praying this mofo'ing period hits. It's killing me!
I hope this post finds you all well. I know I'm terrible at keeping in touch sometimes, but just know, I think about you guys often.
All my love,
Jen
Food:
8:15 Smoothie (water, spinach, flax seed, blueberries, strawberries)
12:00 Nearly 3 pcs of pizza (cheese, green olives tomatoes) So not worth it...
4:00 Banana
7:00 Mixed steamed veggies and a salad (spinach, spring mix, and light honey mustard dressing)
8:30 Some pistachios
Exercise:
Spin Class
Full Weights
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