Yesterday, I found myself hungry all day. It’s my own fault for not
eating as much as I should in this way of life. I know it seems like I’m eating a ton, but a lot of it is virtually no calories. I’ve also been bad about getting my beans in. I should be eating a cup of them every day. When I got home last night, the boys were asking for pizza. We don’t do it too often (also because of budget), but I figured I’d get
it last night. At first, I didn’t think I’d eat any. But that was a total lie that I told myself, as I ordered a veggie, too (told myself it was for Brian). The pizza came with free bread sticks. As soon as I got in the door with that stuff, I attacked those bread sticks, and then it was onto the pizza. The pizza didn’t even taste good, but I shoved it in my fat face anyway. And guess what….I physically started to feel like crap late in the evening and in the middle of the night. The funny thing is, I wasn’t really that mad at myself. Which is really a good thing for me. I shit the bed, and I figured I’d have to make up for it today. I first held myself accountable by weighing myself this morning. I didn’t weigh myself before I started 12 days ago. I didn’t want to know what horrible number I was at. I did weight myself this past Monday, though. I was at the weight from my last weigh in (a while ago, and I’d done much damage since): 214. So, I figured whatever number I saw this morning would be hurt by what I ate last night. And holy fucking shit….I was at 210 this morning (in 4 days, 4 lbs.). So, the scale was a great reminder to me this morning that it will pay off. I just have to keep plugging at it and forgive myself for my bad decisions (and there will be more). Now, I’m not naïve enough to think that the number might not have been the same if I waited to weigh myself until Monday. I know that’s not a “real” weight loss number. Sometimes it takes me 3 weeks to lose that.
But mofo; I’ll take it!
I think I mentioned that I felt really stupid the other day. And I think even saying “really stupid” doesn’t do it justice. There are some things in life that make you go, wtf? I had that pegged wrong. You mean I’m not right about everything??? And holy moly did it fuck with my head. I wish to God I didn’t overthink every single thing like I do. I let it all out w/ my friend H.P. that night. And when I said, I fucking hate that I overthink ever thing in my life:
she said, "I love that you do that. If you didn’t: you wouldn’t be you.” It gave me pause for thought, but really I wish it wasn’t to the extreme that it is.
Because inevitably whatever it is that I’m overthinking comes down to me not being good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, too fat, blah, blah, blah. Overthinking does not usually end well for me. I can blame myself for anything and everything. And that my friends, I do well. So, I’ve been sitting with this a couple of days, but a really nice thing started to happen yesterday. On my own, I started to stop hating myself. I started to stop blaming myself. I started to stop hating who I am. (Hate is really a strong word, but I’m all or nothing, you know that). And I started to make sense of it in my head. A comfortable “sense,” if you will. This rarely happens for me. I was so glad that I was being “kind” to myself (total therapy talk there, even though I haven’t seen one in quite some time). And what’s even better, is I woke up this morning with it mostly behind me. Nothing can ever really be behind me, because in my most insecure of moments, I pull things from time, that I should really never think of, whether it be, name calling as a kid/teenager/college student, and all kinds of terrible stuff. I guess I do it, just to solidify that I deserve whatever it is that I’m going through. But I’m not going to talk about that much. Because today, I’m trying to let things go. I’m trying not to hold myself 100% accountable for things that don’t really deserve me taking “credit” (haha) for. Anyway, I guess what I’m saying is that I have a little peace today. Peace is not always easy for me. In fact, it’s giving me anxiety just saying I have it, like something’s going to come take it away from me. I feel good. I feel like I’m on the right path in so many ways. And as I try to do, every single morning and night: I thanked God today for all of the wonderful blessings in my life. I’m thankful that you care enough about me to read this blog. I’m thankful that this way of life (way of eating) gives some of you pause for thought. I’m truly grateful for that. Just about everyone I’ve ever met, is stronger than me. If I can do it; You can probably do it better. Here’s a better life and better health. And of course to it
being Friday!
Oh, so the song today is, “I Don’t Want to Know,” by Fleetwood Mac. It
doesn’t hold any significance to my life. But I heard it yesterday, and as I hear it every time, this same fantasy goes through my head (and I actually can SEE it): I’m in Fleetwood Mac, I’m smoking hot, and it’s the end of our show, and we are all (you know all of us members of FM) are standing together singing it to end the show. We are all smiles. We are a band. We all have a part in this
song. And of course, Lindsey Buckingham is staring at me (oh, and he’s taller in my fantasy) with lustful eyes, because we both know as soon as we’re done with this song, it’s dressing room time ;) Haha. See, I OVERTHINK everything, even songs.
~Jen
Food:
6:30 Smoothie (water, spinach, flax seed, banana, frozen strawberries)
7:45 Hot Tea
9:45 Stawberries and Grapes
12:30 Well, I had the best of intentions of getting a veggie on wheat at Subway. Only problem was the oven was broken...and the only bread they had was flatbread. So, there was my excuse to have my flatbread/egg white sandwich.... Will be stellar the rest of the day.
Iced Tea
"I Don't Want To Know"
I don't want to know the reasons why
Love keeps right on walking
down the line
I don't want to stand between you and love
Honey, I just
want you to feel fine
Finally baby
The truth has come down now
Take a
listen to your spirit
It's crying out loud.
Try to believe
You say you
love me, but you don't know
You got me rocking and a-reeling
Oh
I don't
want to know the reasons why
Love keeps right on walking down the line
I
don't want to stand between you and love
Honey, I just want you to feel
fine
Finally baby
The truth has been told
Now you tell me that I'm
crazy
That's nothing that I didn't know
Trying to survive
You say you
love me, but you don't know
You got me rocking and a-reeling
I don't want
to know the reasons why
Love keeps right on walking down the line
I don't
want to stand between you and love
Honey, take a little
time.
eating as much as I should in this way of life. I know it seems like I’m eating a ton, but a lot of it is virtually no calories. I’ve also been bad about getting my beans in. I should be eating a cup of them every day. When I got home last night, the boys were asking for pizza. We don’t do it too often (also because of budget), but I figured I’d get
it last night. At first, I didn’t think I’d eat any. But that was a total lie that I told myself, as I ordered a veggie, too (told myself it was for Brian). The pizza came with free bread sticks. As soon as I got in the door with that stuff, I attacked those bread sticks, and then it was onto the pizza. The pizza didn’t even taste good, but I shoved it in my fat face anyway. And guess what….I physically started to feel like crap late in the evening and in the middle of the night. The funny thing is, I wasn’t really that mad at myself. Which is really a good thing for me. I shit the bed, and I figured I’d have to make up for it today. I first held myself accountable by weighing myself this morning. I didn’t weigh myself before I started 12 days ago. I didn’t want to know what horrible number I was at. I did weight myself this past Monday, though. I was at the weight from my last weigh in (a while ago, and I’d done much damage since): 214. So, I figured whatever number I saw this morning would be hurt by what I ate last night. And holy fucking shit….I was at 210 this morning (in 4 days, 4 lbs.). So, the scale was a great reminder to me this morning that it will pay off. I just have to keep plugging at it and forgive myself for my bad decisions (and there will be more). Now, I’m not naïve enough to think that the number might not have been the same if I waited to weigh myself until Monday. I know that’s not a “real” weight loss number. Sometimes it takes me 3 weeks to lose that.
But mofo; I’ll take it!
I think I mentioned that I felt really stupid the other day. And I think even saying “really stupid” doesn’t do it justice. There are some things in life that make you go, wtf? I had that pegged wrong. You mean I’m not right about everything??? And holy moly did it fuck with my head. I wish to God I didn’t overthink every single thing like I do. I let it all out w/ my friend H.P. that night. And when I said, I fucking hate that I overthink ever thing in my life:
she said, "I love that you do that. If you didn’t: you wouldn’t be you.” It gave me pause for thought, but really I wish it wasn’t to the extreme that it is.
Because inevitably whatever it is that I’m overthinking comes down to me not being good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, too fat, blah, blah, blah. Overthinking does not usually end well for me. I can blame myself for anything and everything. And that my friends, I do well. So, I’ve been sitting with this a couple of days, but a really nice thing started to happen yesterday. On my own, I started to stop hating myself. I started to stop blaming myself. I started to stop hating who I am. (Hate is really a strong word, but I’m all or nothing, you know that). And I started to make sense of it in my head. A comfortable “sense,” if you will. This rarely happens for me. I was so glad that I was being “kind” to myself (total therapy talk there, even though I haven’t seen one in quite some time). And what’s even better, is I woke up this morning with it mostly behind me. Nothing can ever really be behind me, because in my most insecure of moments, I pull things from time, that I should really never think of, whether it be, name calling as a kid/teenager/college student, and all kinds of terrible stuff. I guess I do it, just to solidify that I deserve whatever it is that I’m going through. But I’m not going to talk about that much. Because today, I’m trying to let things go. I’m trying not to hold myself 100% accountable for things that don’t really deserve me taking “credit” (haha) for. Anyway, I guess what I’m saying is that I have a little peace today. Peace is not always easy for me. In fact, it’s giving me anxiety just saying I have it, like something’s going to come take it away from me. I feel good. I feel like I’m on the right path in so many ways. And as I try to do, every single morning and night: I thanked God today for all of the wonderful blessings in my life. I’m thankful that you care enough about me to read this blog. I’m thankful that this way of life (way of eating) gives some of you pause for thought. I’m truly grateful for that. Just about everyone I’ve ever met, is stronger than me. If I can do it; You can probably do it better. Here’s a better life and better health. And of course to it
being Friday!
Oh, so the song today is, “I Don’t Want to Know,” by Fleetwood Mac. It
doesn’t hold any significance to my life. But I heard it yesterday, and as I hear it every time, this same fantasy goes through my head (and I actually can SEE it): I’m in Fleetwood Mac, I’m smoking hot, and it’s the end of our show, and we are all (you know all of us members of FM) are standing together singing it to end the show. We are all smiles. We are a band. We all have a part in this
song. And of course, Lindsey Buckingham is staring at me (oh, and he’s taller in my fantasy) with lustful eyes, because we both know as soon as we’re done with this song, it’s dressing room time ;) Haha. See, I OVERTHINK everything, even songs.
~Jen
Food:
6:30 Smoothie (water, spinach, flax seed, banana, frozen strawberries)
7:45 Hot Tea
9:45 Stawberries and Grapes
12:30 Well, I had the best of intentions of getting a veggie on wheat at Subway. Only problem was the oven was broken...and the only bread they had was flatbread. So, there was my excuse to have my flatbread/egg white sandwich.... Will be stellar the rest of the day.
Iced Tea
"I Don't Want To Know"
I don't want to know the reasons why
Love keeps right on walking
down the line
I don't want to stand between you and love
Honey, I just
want you to feel fine
Finally baby
The truth has come down now
Take a
listen to your spirit
It's crying out loud.
Try to believe
You say you
love me, but you don't know
You got me rocking and a-reeling
Oh
I don't
want to know the reasons why
Love keeps right on walking down the line
I
don't want to stand between you and love
Honey, I just want you to feel
fine
Finally baby
The truth has been told
Now you tell me that I'm
crazy
That's nothing that I didn't know
Trying to survive
You say you
love me, but you don't know
You got me rocking and a-reeling
I don't want
to know the reasons why
Love keeps right on walking down the line
I don't
want to stand between you and love
Honey, take a little
time.
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