So, at 40 years old....I think I may have learned something new about myself last night. I let Junior out to go potty (for maybe the 20th time of the day....). Now, he acts like he has to go potty, but most of the time he's searching out dog shit to eat or aimlessly wandering into the street or the neighbors yard. So, it was no surprise when I watched Jr in the dark go around the side of our house and toward a neighbors house, completely unaware of what he's supposed to be outside for. I didn't bother to call him back, and he's gone to completely ignoring us out there anyway. I started to follow him, and I noticed the black kitten (which I'd thought was a boy, is actually a girl), start to follow Junior, like she, herself, was a dog, too. I nearly died. This cat has gone from being completely scared of Jr to thinking it's her brother or something. I brought Jr back around the front of the house and of course he wasn't listening, so I put him in the house. I stayed outside to give the cat some love. Jr poked his head through the curtains and just started barking. The kitty jumped up on our flower box, and stretched his little body up and put his face up to the window on the other side of Jr. I died laughing. Real belly laughs. It was just what I needed. Anyway, as I was out there, giving this stinky kitten some love, it hit me: I have a desperate need to feel like I'm needed. I don't think I've ever realized this about myself. When things get to be too much, I go to the place in my head where I'm all alone somewhere, anywhere, with nobody knowing where I am, and nobody needing anything from me. Everyday I feel the stress of feeling like I'm being pulled in too many directions by my husband, kids, family, friends needing too much from me. And after all of that, it turns out that's what I thrive on. I'm one of those ppl that....complains about the very thing that I need. OMG. I'm like my friends who complain about too much drama in their lives, when I can clearly see, that they wouldn't be able to function without it. haha. Well, I guess now that I recognize in myself that I have this need to feel needed, maybe I can deal with it better when it gets to be too much (as in my hubby pulling the same exact thing as last week, when I told him I just needed to finish this, but he keeps coming in here....even laying next to me. I guess I love that needy bastard. lol
Well, I finally watched the season finale of Cougar Town the other night. I don't think I watched but parts of a couple of episodes during the season, but I do love that show. What always makes a great character, is when you can see yourself in them. I'm Jules in a bunch of different ways. I love how indifferent she is to some things, which I can be overly guilty of, how she loves her red wine (even though I only drink it every couple of months or so), but mostly I love how she needs all of her friends around. I nearly died, when she had her friends produce all of the house key necklaces she'd made for them. I think I would love having ppl around like that. Maybe one day :)
Storms have been rolling in here all over the place, in between the stiffling heat. The latest just passed through, so I'm going to try and get a walk in with Brian before the next one comes through. Yesterday, I didn't eat so well, and I had 4 beers through the course of the day. I woke up this morning, deciding to try and take better care of myself today. Instead of Brian's Sunday Morning French Toast, I decided to have a smoothie. I guess it's one good decision at a time which will get me where I want to get: better health. I'm an idiot for destroying my body like I have. Big time idiot. I've felt good this week and want it to continue. I need it to continue. I don't want to be responsible for putting the ppl that love me in a position of pain, if I drop of a heart attack. How fucking selfish and pathetic would that be. I'm really trying to better myself all the way around. It's what we should all do, in our own ways, every single day. This morning, I watched an Alanis M interview. OMG, how I love her. It's like we're connected at the soul. Just too bad she doesn't know it. Anyway, it's like she's speaking for me. In her interviews, in her songs, she says things I think. In this particular interview, she spoke of the shame, and how it's always going to be there, and how she no longer feels like she needs to apologize for it. I really want to be her when I grow up.... She also performed Thank U, which will always be my song.
I hope today brings you much love, comfort, and your "black kitten." Life on this earth is too short. May every moment be something that makes you feel like you love your life. It's yours. As much as I've always wanted. Nobody else can make your life better, or what you want from it. It's up to us, and us only. We determine our futures.
Much love,
Jen
Well, I finally watched the season finale of Cougar Town the other night. I don't think I watched but parts of a couple of episodes during the season, but I do love that show. What always makes a great character, is when you can see yourself in them. I'm Jules in a bunch of different ways. I love how indifferent she is to some things, which I can be overly guilty of, how she loves her red wine (even though I only drink it every couple of months or so), but mostly I love how she needs all of her friends around. I nearly died, when she had her friends produce all of the house key necklaces she'd made for them. I think I would love having ppl around like that. Maybe one day :)
Storms have been rolling in here all over the place, in between the stiffling heat. The latest just passed through, so I'm going to try and get a walk in with Brian before the next one comes through. Yesterday, I didn't eat so well, and I had 4 beers through the course of the day. I woke up this morning, deciding to try and take better care of myself today. Instead of Brian's Sunday Morning French Toast, I decided to have a smoothie. I guess it's one good decision at a time which will get me where I want to get: better health. I'm an idiot for destroying my body like I have. Big time idiot. I've felt good this week and want it to continue. I need it to continue. I don't want to be responsible for putting the ppl that love me in a position of pain, if I drop of a heart attack. How fucking selfish and pathetic would that be. I'm really trying to better myself all the way around. It's what we should all do, in our own ways, every single day. This morning, I watched an Alanis M interview. OMG, how I love her. It's like we're connected at the soul. Just too bad she doesn't know it. Anyway, it's like she's speaking for me. In her interviews, in her songs, she says things I think. In this particular interview, she spoke of the shame, and how it's always going to be there, and how she no longer feels like she needs to apologize for it. I really want to be her when I grow up.... She also performed Thank U, which will always be my song.
I hope today brings you much love, comfort, and your "black kitten." Life on this earth is too short. May every moment be something that makes you feel like you love your life. It's yours. As much as I've always wanted. Nobody else can make your life better, or what you want from it. It's up to us, and us only. We determine our futures.
Much love,
Jen
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