"But not a real green dress, that's cruel." I love this song.... It's been going through my head since my last blog entry. I'm happy to say that I'm starting to feel much, much better. I didn't get there overnight, and I guess recovery won't come overnight. It's been a process, but each day is much better than the previous day. I finally got to a place where I could start to take some control this week. I started to challenge myself each day to do something that might help me feel better and would be a benefit to my family. It was a tough challenge, as I really haven't felt like doing a thing, other than sleep. On Thursday, I made myself leave work on time, and let Cal stay at the after school program so I could have an hour or so to myself at home. I decided to use that time to wrap the Christmas gifts that we'd bought on Black Friday. I put on Christmas music and lit a nice smelling candle and went to work. I used up every minute of my free time, and I felt such a sense of accomplishment once I was done. The boys were so happy to see the wrapped gifts when they got home. It really was a mood lifter. On Friday, I went out after work with a few coworkers to play darts. I wasn't feeling up to it, but I once again, I made myself do something I would normally enjoy. I didn't drink, as I didn't want to mix alcohol with the new meds. Plus, I knew that I really shouldn't be drinking given how I'd been feeling lately. I had a decent time. I was my normal, overly competitive self, but I was ready to go after a short time. We got into a rubber
match situation, so I stayed a total of a couple of hours. As I'd been all week, I got home and was completely exhausted. I think I was asleep by 8:30 for the
second night in a row. I slept fairly good, and woke up at 4:55. Oh man, I was ticked. I just wanted to sleep, but I got up and got the day started. I started reading "Eat to Live," once again. I really, truly believe in the message of the book. It was an inspiring way to begin the day. Unfortunately, Brian was on-call and was called into work early in the morning. The boys and I got an early start on grocery shopping. It was nice to have it out of the way, and we were desperately short on groceries. I don't think we have a fresh thing in the house... So, I got the boys involved by letting them pick out what fruit they
would want. We had a pretty good day. Brian finally got home late afternoon, and I made him sit down and watch, "The Campaign" with me. Brian is an MSNBC nerd, so he was especially loving it. But about 20 mins into the movie, he was called into work again. He never gets called in that late. It was so disappointing for all of us. What really sucks, is on top of all of the hours he worked this week, and yesterday, he had to make that 2 hour roundtrip drive into work, twice. What a waste of 4 hours on a Sat. I finished watching the movie. BTW...it was hilarious! After that, I told the boys we were going to watch "Elf" together. Of course, Cal wanted no part of watching a movie. So, I told him he could bring his cars down to the living room and play with them while the movie was on. To my very pleasant surprise, he curled up next to me on the couch and actually laid his head on me, and watched the movie. I never
want to forget this... It was wonderful on so many levels.
I was surprised to have sleeping issues last night. I was up really late, for the first time in a long time. I was having some anxiety. It's so frustrating... I woke up at 5 something this morning, and boy was I pissed. I just wanted to sleep. Oh well, I guess it's another early start. Anyway, I put on some pajama's and headed into Cal's room (Brian's asleep in our room, and the boys were playing X-Box downstairs). I've had the pajama's forever. Nealy got them for me years ago for Christmas. I bent over near Cal's bed, and I heard and felt the rip... Yep, my fat ass ripped the back out. Ah, what a nice reminder of the weight I've put on. I'm at the heaviest I have been in years.... When I was at the Dr. earlier in the week, I weighed in at 223. And you have to know...it's never easy for me to put my weight on here. In fact, it's excruciatingly painful. But it is what it is... When I started this blog, I decided to put it all out there.
My weight has been an issue lately, in terms of having clothes that fit me, too. I can barely squeeze into 3 pairs of jeans. That's it...my fat pants are even too tight. So, now that I'm coming out of the fog a little, I know what I have to do. No, not what I need to do: what I have to do.... I'm killing myself with this weight, and my way of life. When my mind is in a bad place, I really don't care, because it all seems so hopeless. But now my eyes are open, and I'm so pissed at myself. I know that my diet has tied into the depression. I hate depression so much. I'm serious...I fucking hate it. So, I need to combat it with diet. I need to stay on this. The first time I did ETL, was the best feeling in my life. My mind was clear, and my body quickly responded to actually being taken care of. I know you're probably tired of hearing this, but I'm going to get my shit together. I'm not going to go on and on about is, as you've heard it a hundred times. I'm just going to say, I know what I need to do.
So, I started the new medication on Tues. I was already slowly starting to come out of it. So, I don't know if the med has anything to do with it, or if it's just the natural progression of coming out of the fog. But anyway, the med has caused me to wake up nauseous in the morning. I can totally live with that. My eyes have been really swollen because of lack of sleep and all the crying (which thankfully I don't think I've done in a few days now). I mean, it really looked like I had purple eye shadow on, as my eye lids were purple. As I've started to
become more rested, it's gotten better. But for a couple of days now, my right eye has been bothering me. It's become quite swollen on top. Enough that my eyebrows are uneven. My eyeball stings a bit, and this morning it looks even worse. I'm thinking this is a reaction to the medication. I have the med info at work, but I remember it saying something about the eyes. Once the pharmacy opens, I'm going to call them. I think I'm going to have to go off of it. I remember specifically that it said if you have double vision to immediately quit. I had a bit of it the first night, but I didn't want to give up that quickly (I know I'm dumb...). And it went away, but that's why I think it's related to the meds. We'll see how that shakes out.
Anyway, I hope this day finds you all doing well.
I hope you are finding the peace that we all search for within
ourselves.
Until tomorrow,
Jen
match situation, so I stayed a total of a couple of hours. As I'd been all week, I got home and was completely exhausted. I think I was asleep by 8:30 for the
second night in a row. I slept fairly good, and woke up at 4:55. Oh man, I was ticked. I just wanted to sleep, but I got up and got the day started. I started reading "Eat to Live," once again. I really, truly believe in the message of the book. It was an inspiring way to begin the day. Unfortunately, Brian was on-call and was called into work early in the morning. The boys and I got an early start on grocery shopping. It was nice to have it out of the way, and we were desperately short on groceries. I don't think we have a fresh thing in the house... So, I got the boys involved by letting them pick out what fruit they
would want. We had a pretty good day. Brian finally got home late afternoon, and I made him sit down and watch, "The Campaign" with me. Brian is an MSNBC nerd, so he was especially loving it. But about 20 mins into the movie, he was called into work again. He never gets called in that late. It was so disappointing for all of us. What really sucks, is on top of all of the hours he worked this week, and yesterday, he had to make that 2 hour roundtrip drive into work, twice. What a waste of 4 hours on a Sat. I finished watching the movie. BTW...it was hilarious! After that, I told the boys we were going to watch "Elf" together. Of course, Cal wanted no part of watching a movie. So, I told him he could bring his cars down to the living room and play with them while the movie was on. To my very pleasant surprise, he curled up next to me on the couch and actually laid his head on me, and watched the movie. I never
want to forget this... It was wonderful on so many levels.
I was surprised to have sleeping issues last night. I was up really late, for the first time in a long time. I was having some anxiety. It's so frustrating... I woke up at 5 something this morning, and boy was I pissed. I just wanted to sleep. Oh well, I guess it's another early start. Anyway, I put on some pajama's and headed into Cal's room (Brian's asleep in our room, and the boys were playing X-Box downstairs). I've had the pajama's forever. Nealy got them for me years ago for Christmas. I bent over near Cal's bed, and I heard and felt the rip... Yep, my fat ass ripped the back out. Ah, what a nice reminder of the weight I've put on. I'm at the heaviest I have been in years.... When I was at the Dr. earlier in the week, I weighed in at 223. And you have to know...it's never easy for me to put my weight on here. In fact, it's excruciatingly painful. But it is what it is... When I started this blog, I decided to put it all out there.
My weight has been an issue lately, in terms of having clothes that fit me, too. I can barely squeeze into 3 pairs of jeans. That's it...my fat pants are even too tight. So, now that I'm coming out of the fog a little, I know what I have to do. No, not what I need to do: what I have to do.... I'm killing myself with this weight, and my way of life. When my mind is in a bad place, I really don't care, because it all seems so hopeless. But now my eyes are open, and I'm so pissed at myself. I know that my diet has tied into the depression. I hate depression so much. I'm serious...I fucking hate it. So, I need to combat it with diet. I need to stay on this. The first time I did ETL, was the best feeling in my life. My mind was clear, and my body quickly responded to actually being taken care of. I know you're probably tired of hearing this, but I'm going to get my shit together. I'm not going to go on and on about is, as you've heard it a hundred times. I'm just going to say, I know what I need to do.
So, I started the new medication on Tues. I was already slowly starting to come out of it. So, I don't know if the med has anything to do with it, or if it's just the natural progression of coming out of the fog. But anyway, the med has caused me to wake up nauseous in the morning. I can totally live with that. My eyes have been really swollen because of lack of sleep and all the crying (which thankfully I don't think I've done in a few days now). I mean, it really looked like I had purple eye shadow on, as my eye lids were purple. As I've started to
become more rested, it's gotten better. But for a couple of days now, my right eye has been bothering me. It's become quite swollen on top. Enough that my eyebrows are uneven. My eyeball stings a bit, and this morning it looks even worse. I'm thinking this is a reaction to the medication. I have the med info at work, but I remember it saying something about the eyes. Once the pharmacy opens, I'm going to call them. I think I'm going to have to go off of it. I remember specifically that it said if you have double vision to immediately quit. I had a bit of it the first night, but I didn't want to give up that quickly (I know I'm dumb...). And it went away, but that's why I think it's related to the meds. We'll see how that shakes out.
Anyway, I hope this day finds you all doing well.
I hope you are finding the peace that we all search for within
ourselves.
Until tomorrow,
Jen
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