Amy still has a tab on here, and she's welcome to continue to use it as her vehicle toward better h
I've been thinking about this quite a bit tonight. I'm going to take a break until Monday from the blog. My head just keeps going a million miles an hour, and I can't seem to quit wearing my heart on my sleeve. I'm not in a really bad place or anything. I just don't need one more thing to worry about, and believe it or not, it weighs on me when I let you down. This blog is supposed to be about weight loss, not gain. I feel like such a failure in so many ways, that I think I need a break from making some of my failures public. I've always been such a private person. This blog has really changed that in me. I think maybe too much... I think I'm making the right decision for me, in this moment. I think this is my healthiest choice. It's for me, not anyone else. Doing things just for me is hard, but it's something I'm working on. I appreciate you guys sticking with me through absolutely everything. I've never heard a negative word from you. It's unbelievable the amount of support you've given me. Hopefully I'll be back Mon. and be able to give you some good stories about weight loss and head health.
Amy still has a tab on here, and she's welcome to continue to use it as her vehicle toward better h
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Last night turned out to be a really good night. I made myself become a participant in my life and my boys’ lives. I’ve been so drained, that it felt so
great to feel alive. Brian had to work late (ended up being a nearly 16 hour day for him), so the boys and I were on our own. We took Junior for a walk down to the park. Caleb loves to hold the leash. It’s the cutest thing. Ryne is into riding his bike, which just scares the bejesus out of me. This kid pays attention to nothing. At least in our old neighborhood, he was always riding w/ the neighbor girl, Christina, and she kept him in line. I know, I need to relax a little and let him be a kid…. Anyway, Ryne rode ahead and Cal and I walked Junior. Once we got down to the park, there was a Golden Retriever in somebody’s front yard. She didn’t have a tag on her, but she looked well taken care of, and I believe she probably belonged to that house. Anyway, I let her and Junior do their welcome sniff. We then went across the street to the park, and the dog followed Junior over. They actually played! I nearly cried. I was so happy. I haven’t seen Junior act like that since Sara died. Now, mind you, he’s pretty darn old, so his “play” is not what it used to be, but he was having a ball. After a while, the other dog started humping Junior, which totally grossed the kids out. I thought it was totally funny. Ah, the old man’s still got it, and he doesn’t have to do the work! Anyway, it was a great way for all of us to spend time together. It also completely wiped Junior out, which was a good thing. He’s really been losing it lately, and he is driving us all nuts a lot of the time. (P.S. if that dog is out again tonight, I’ll knock on doors, and if nobody knows who she belongs to, she’s coming home w/ usJ Uh, but don’t tell Brian. He might lock me out. When we got home, my friend called, and we had an amazing conversation, as always. I also had 2 micros and a Coors Light during our conversation, so it was almost like we were at a bar together J I was feeling really great after our talk, and then I had a huge burst of energy. I went to do the dishes, and then my phone rang again. It was another really close friend. 2 phone calls in one night. This never happens! So, to hell with the dishes, I sat down, and had another phenomenal talk with a great friend. The timing of last night couldn’t have been more perfect. I really have been missing having friends around, something fierce lately. I woke up in a great mood this morning. Once again, the sun is out. I love it. The weather is really the only thing I like about the Midwest. I grabbed some mix c.d. from a couple of years ago, and cranked it on the way to work. Man, I make good c.d.’s.lol I blasted everything from Miley Cyrus to Michael McDonald, to Pink. I’m praying this mood continues. It feels so good. Anyway, I thought I’d do this early today, since I don’t what the day is going to hold. If able, I’ll add more later. I have started the day w/ a smoothie, which felt awesome. However, I am drinking a Pepsi right now. I’m trying to wean myself off of this poison, once again. Oh, and last, but certainly not least: today is Amy’s birthday. Happy Birthday, my friend. May you be able to enjoy some cake, cupcakes, or whatever today, without feeling the guilt. Much love to you. ~Jen Brian is working really late tonight, so I figure I better not wait and use his laptop. I’ll have Amy post this for me. So, the day will be incomplete, but you’ll get the gist of what’s up.
Most of yesterday went pretty good. I guess it was good until I went on a nice walk (about an hour and 15). It was 83 out, and it felt so good to get some Vit D on my skin. But as the walk went on, I just started missing everyone. I love to entertain, and I love hanging out w/ family or friends on nice days like that. It just made me miss anyone more than usual. It definitely made me sad. We are just so far away from everyone. So, of course, then my mind has to plan out the rest of our lives in that moment. I was thinking we should move to Central WA (which is one of the main areas Brian wants to move). That way we could be close to the ‘Couv, but even closer to my sisters. I really miss them. In the light of day today, though, again I’m still thinking Denver. It’s not a bad flight to go home and visit from there. I really just want to be somewhere that the weather will be ideal. For what Brian and I like, I think it’s our best bet. I find it gorgeous out there. But ugh…. I guess it doesn’t matter for now, we are still here. Still no friends… What a whiny b!tch I am today. If I were reading this, I’d be like, shut the f! up. Anyway, in a not so small nutshell, I was thrown for a loop last night. Then the cramps were crippling me, and it made it all worse…. But anyway, I have a phone date w/ one of my closest tonight, so hopefully I’ll get my friend fix in that way. I just wish it were over a beer (at least for me). She’d be throwing back wine like it was attached to a wine bong. I say that for her benefit, as she reads this daily. So, today is kind of like yesterday. For the most part I’m doing okay. I’ve had terrible food on my mind all day, but have made some decent decisions, as well as some poor ones. I started the day w/ a banana and a Diet Coke (f’ing heroin), then later I had a plain packet and an apple packet of instant oatmeal w/ water. For lunch I had a can of Progresso veggie lentil soup. I didn’t care for it all that much. I need to make some. Along w/ the soup I had a f’ing can of Pepsi…. This afternoon I’ve had another banana, and just finished another can of Pepsi. Oh, and I almost forgot…I had a tiny slice of homemade banana cream pie. That was especially dumb, since I just bought the ingredients to make one at home (with Silken tofu). Tonight should be a decent dinner. I plan on being better. Well, at least I hope. I made a cake for the kids last night, along w/ cookies for the week. I always guilt myself when I travel or can’t be home with them when they’re on vacation (Spring Break). I need to stop doing that. Buying love w/ food is just pathetic. Well, I should head out for my 1 hour commute. F’ing thing. Have a great night! Jen I guess you can tell by the title that Aunt Flow finally arrived this morning. Praise God. Hmmm... Guess I should've gone to church today. The lead up has absolutely kicked my ass. I've been so wiped out this past few days. Thurs. night I pieced together about 3 hours sleep. I'm usually a pretty light sleeper, and a nasty thunder/lightning storm came through and lasteed most of the night and into half my commute. No matter what terrible things I tried (sugar, caffeine, etc.), I could not really wake up on Fri. I felt like a zombie. After work, I also had to go another hour out of my way to pick up Junior's dog food. By the time I got home, I just passed out. I slept about 2 or 3 hours, and then woke up for a couple of hours before going to sleep for the night.
Yesterday we had a really nice family day. We got out of Dodge and finally got some groceries in the house. We also had to replace the Wii (which bit the dust same week as our computer). We bought a used one, so we were able to save a little money, thank goodness. We also had a nice dinner at Red Lobster. On the drive home, my stomach just started kiling me. Once again, it knocked me out. I slept for a couple of hours, and then woke up for a few hours, and spent time watching t.v. with Brian. He was very gentlemanly, in offering to uncork me, but I was too miserable to even think about it. haha. I woke up early this morning (as I now do everyday, with my new schedule). I was up for a while before Brian, and he noticed that I looked different right away. He said, "you actually have a smile on your face. You must be feeling better." That was about an hour before AF finally arrived. I tell you what....it's really been f'ing with me. I also have to take responsibility for my part in how badly its been messing with me. I know diet plays a big part in it. I let it take control over me, and fed into all of the demons that make it worse (except for alcohol, that was pretty limited). Today I feel myself again....whatever that is. I've also really been able to think about some things from therapy last week, and I find it healing. I'm my own worst enemy. I have to work hard on not beating myself up over not being "good enough" or "less than" anyone, or even caring for Christ's sake what people think. I don't know why I'm like this. I always have been, though. In a nutshell, I'm never good enough for myself, and I set my standards too high for people in my life, too. I let myself get let down too easily. It's another thing I need to work on. I need to just be happy with myself, period (no pun intended, but that was pretty good). I will say that I'm pretty proud of myself for some financial decisions I've made this week. I'm terrible with money.... It sucks that I'm the one in charge of it for this household, because really, I suck. I'm trying, though. I wish Brian could take it over, but he's even worse than me. He'd make sure we always had spending $, but he'd always forget about the bills. So, this week I actually made some good, grown up decisions. Oh, and I also got my first paycheck. That was GREAT feeling. I hated not feeling like a contributor. While the commute and gas usage completely suck, the job is growing on me. I just wish we lived closer, but I've decided it's my deal, and I'll need to suck it up. I don't want to move the kids, when we know that another move would probably be immenent in the next couple of years. I'll start logging my food and exercise tomorrow. It'll be a nice challenge on my heaviest flow day. My head should be on straight, and that's what it all comes down to, so hopefully I won'd dissapoint you guys. BTW, Amy is blogging again. Check it out. She is kicking some serious ass. It's inspiring. Hope you all have a great Sunday and remainder of your weekend. Much Love, Jen |
JenAge 47 Archives
August 2019
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